Throughout my journey, I have had numerous revelations. It seems that as soon as "something" dawns on me I feel strong and convicted. However, that feeling seems to leave just as fast as it appeared. So I really, really need to hold on to this one.
I was enjoying a nice rest today (thank you boys!) while my kiddos were sleeping and my wheels started turning and I began to pray. While I was talking to God, I realized that my prayers have a common denominator..."ME". Suddenly, it hit. My newest revelation.
Please don't get upset at me for JUST now realizing this. I have thought about this before, but never in this magnitude. So here it is- I am in control. Me. Just me. Me and me only.
My parents didn't make me fat. My friends didn't make me fat. My husband doesn't keep me fat. My children don't make me fat. I am in charge of, well, EVERYTHING! I cannot blame anyone else for where I am except for myself. I got myself into this mess and I have to get myself out.
It has always been so easy to blame my anger or depression about an injustice for my weight problems. So many times I have told my dear friend Kate, "If only I knew why I did this". This statement always bore a certain responsibility for my situation, but what I was really asking was, "What happened to me in the past that made me fat?". Was it my father's constant criticism? Was it my mother's lack of attention to me? Was it this? Was it that? WHO CARES!!!
I need to get over it. The past is the past. Only I can control the future. The rest of it doesn't matter. I can be anything I want to be. I can stay fat. I can do that, if I want. I can get fit and healthy. I can become an avid camper, skier, biker, hiker. I can be a happy, energetic mommy for my boys. I can be a happy, loving wife. I choose my destiny. I am my own worst enemy.
Why have I chosen to be fat, sad, depressed, angry, hostile...who knows. But I want to be something else, and I am the only one who can change me. It is time to stop blaming and to start becoming the person I want, and have always wanted, to be!