Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Rant'in And A Rave'in

Today's Rant:

Why must department stores put the "Today's Woman" department in a "special" place that cannot be found without having to ask for help? Seriously, as if we didn't already feel alienated enough, they make us shop upstairs and in the back corner.

Gross.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Need Help. Fashion Emergency.

Okay ladies (and gents!), I am down 35 pounds as of this morning, and my clothes are starting to suffer because of it. I was looking at myself in the mirror last night and my jeans are starting to look like parachute pants!

There are two pairs of pants, one pair of jeans and a pair of dressier pants, and a small handful of shirts that I can wear. I am getting tired of wearing the same thing every other day, but I don't want to spend money on new clothes right now! What do I do? What have you done?

How have you transitioned smoothly from one size to another without breaking the bank!?

Added December 28th- I need size 18/20 (1xl) tops and pants for those of you who have anything to pass along. I promise I will pay it forward!

Friday, December 25, 2009

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!

I hope your day is full of peace, health and family. Enjoy this special day.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

34 Lost


It's almost 2:00 am and I am up because my three year old has pneumonia. I have given up trying to sleep in between his coughing, um excuse me, hacking spells for the past four nights. I feel so bad for him!

Oh, sleep....where are you....why must you elude me so. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Funky

I'm officially in a funk today.

I have a UTI (urinary tract infection).

I have gained a few pounds over the past few days. (?)

Everyone is irritating me.

I am down right nasty today.

Blech.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Just Another Non-Scale Victory

Last night before going to bed my husband thanked me for being such a good little "housewife" lately. He was referring to the amount of laundry, bed stripping and overall chores and tasks I have been completing lately. Which leads me to this:

If you are not sitting on the couch for hours a day stuffing your face,
you have a TON more time to list/sell/mail things on Ebay, do laundry
run errands, take naps!, clean.....etc.

Just another non-scale victory.

I have however, come across at least two things that are bad about losing weight. Yeah, I said it. Bad! The first being, as you lose weight, your hips start to disappear. This is not so wonderful if you have a two year old that likes to sit on them and be held all day long. I am having to use muscles I have never used before to keep my little bugger in place! Second, my jewelry. I am a jewelry whore. I have quite a few sterling silver rings that cannot be sized and most are a size 9. When I wear my size 9 rings now, they spin around and usually fall off. So, I hope my husband plans on making a few extra dollars here soon, because I need to increase my size 8 collection!

Oh yeah, see you later pound number 33!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Brrrrrrrr, Chilly Brrrrrrrrrr

I am down 32 pounds this morning, but still find myself in a weird funk. I am terribly grouchy today! Geesh, losing a pound used to be euphoric for me and would last at least two days. Am I getting greedy? Maybe. But I think my head is just in a strange place today because last night I laid in bed thinking about how exciting it would be to see 258.

On another note....

I wrote on the LapBand forum recently about experiencing chills, cold hands and feet, and not being able to become warm enough to fall asleep at night, even with an electric blanket, two comforters and a sheet. When I brought it up with my surgeon he said that was perfectly normal. He said once we start losing weight, our bodies have to learn how to account for the sudden loss of fat. Basically, its as though we have been comfortable under a 30 pound blanket for years, and then all of a sudden we throw it off! So we start to feel cold.

Okay, I promise I am going somewhere with this. Bear with me... I was laying in bed last night talking with my husband, and warming my icy hands under his back, and we started talking about how my metabolism has to learn to warm up. Then an AHH-HA! moment.

Try to follow me here. If we continue to smother our bodies with a fat laden coating, our bodies have to cool down, right? So, it would make sense that our bodies cool down by slowling down our metabolism to produce less heat, right? And of course when our metabolisms slow down, we gain weight easier. Essentially the more weight we pack on, the harder it is to lose it because our metabolism slows down. So maybe, just maybe, as we begin to lose weight, our metabolisms will have to kick in a bit to keep our bodies warm, burning more calories.

This theory of mine makes all the sense in the world to my biology/chemistry major brain late at night.

You might also find this tid-bit interesting; when we lose weight, we actually lose fat around our inner ear, and until our body finds a new equilibrium, it can make us feel dizzy. Pretty interesting, huh?

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Starting to See Myself


This journey sure has been an interesting and very enlightening one. During the course of my life I have only gained. And if I had lost any weight, it was going right back on, and quickly.

Last year we got our Christmas picture taken as a family. I was hoping and praying that it would turn out okay, and by okay I mean me not looking like a giant heifer. Once our picture was presented to us I was overjoyed with what I saw! I was SO happy with it. As a matter of fact, I assumed the photographer must have done a little photo-shoppy shop on my face because it looked so much less "swollen" looking. I framed that picture and have it proudly hanging in our house for all to see.

I see that picture, everyday, several times a day in fact. And one thing I have noticed is how "fluffy" my face looks to me in that picture now. It's amazing to me. I have only lost a little over 30 pounds and I am already used to my "new face" in the mirror looking back at me.

In the past, successful weight loss was defined for me as severe, hospital worthy "morning sickness" with my two pregnancies. It's so weird to see myself changing, and I really like what I see. I am starting to notice my waist again, my bras continue to become looser, my jeans are baggy and my chronic foot issues are starting to resolve. I can only daydream about how wonderful these next few months are going to be as I transform into who I have always pictured myself being. The person I have always felt like, the person I have always been on the inside. A happy, confident person.

Friday, December 11, 2009

The 250s !!!!


Yay! It feels so good to see 259 on the scale this morning. It's been a L O N G time since I was firmly planted in the 50s. Now, I am already feeling impatient for the 40s!

My last fill has left me a bit too tight. I haven't been able to eat more than a half of a banana or a cracker here or there. It's even hard to get liquids through, but when the fill was first done, liquids went through just fine, so I am probably swelling quite a bit. I am going to give it through the weekend and see how I feel on Monday before going for an un-fill. I am so excited to finally have restriction, but this might be a smidgen too much. For the first time though, I understand when people say they can only eat 1/4 cup of mushies. I'm there.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Seeing is Believing....Right?

I've made an interesting observation over the past few weeks, and wanted to discuss it with all of you.

Last summer, I was able to lose 30 pounds. On my own. Through good old fashioned hard work and exercise. BUT, I GAINED IT ALL BACK and then some. Welcome to my life. That was the last straw for me. I couldn't imagine living my life always wondering when I would be "fluffy" again IF I had managed to lose weight again. Hence my decision to finally explore WLS after struggling with my weight for 20+ years.

Anywho, last year I had everyone tell me how wonderful I was looking and how my weight loss was very obvious. I couldn't bump into anyone without them noticing. My mother-in-law would carry on and try to touch me in all of the places I was thinning out. It was a great feeling...not being touched by my MIL, but having everyone notice!

BUT, I have noticed that this time is different. I have lost 30 pounds in about 3 months and no one really says anything. It's weird. Do you think that maybe people are scared to carry on like they did before fearing that I will just put it all back on again? I don't know what to think.

Now, I do realize that me feeling better, my clothes fitting better, my relationship with my husband improving....etc. is really all that matters. But I am just left scratching my head about whether or not people can tell. On another note... some farewells are in order for pounds number 29 and 30. Sianara suckers! :)

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Another One Bites the Dust


Doot, doot, doot... another one bites the dust! Hit me.
And another one gone, and another one gone,
Another one bites the dust.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Another One Gone!


Sorry if this is obnoxious, but I really have to make a special point to celebrate every pound lost. It is way too easy for me to get down on myself and feel like a failure.

Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention that now I am no longer morbidly obese, just severely.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Only 99 To Go!



I haven't been feeling well lately, so please excuse my absence from Bloggyland. I have been trying to keep up, but have failed miserably.

After suffering with a sore throat virus, that turned into a throat infection and having to take antibiotics, I went straight into a nasty head/chest cold. I am sure you know the one, you are probably suffering from it as well! If so, I hope you feel better VERY soon!

So...because I have been feeling like crap (for lack of a better word) lately, I haven't been able to exercise. I am now down to 264 (I ALWAYS start typing a 1 instead of a 2!), but I am afraid that might be from muscle loss after not really working out for the past four weeks. BUT, I am going to celebrate nonetheless.

With my new low, I officially have less than 100 pounds to lose before hitting my goal. FINALLY. I am out of the triple digits!

Thanksgiving went extremely well and I am going for another fill next Tuesday. Not only am I not losing as fast as I would hope, but I am able to chew normally without really getting stuck. Two days after Thanksgiving, we had not one, but TWO cakes in the house for my little guys 2nd and my Mom's 60th birthdays. Temptation, temptation, temptation.

One major NSV that I am loving, is the fact that my husband and I are flirty and frisky once again. It's been a L O N G time since I remember him getting touchy feely with me. YAY!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

100 pounds to Go!


Today is the day folks. The day where we either stuff our faces and die of guilt for weeks to come why we try to burn off our celebration, or the day where we can enjoy small portions, blessings and family.

I plan on the latter.

I woke up to wonderful news this morning....25 pounds down! So, I would love to keep it that way.

AND....drum roll please.......

After finally discussing my little "problem" with my husband last night, we frolicked and voila....AHHHH-CHOOOOOO!!! Yup, I sneezed! Whoo-hoo.

If you are confused by this, read my last post. :)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Effects of Effexor


Well, this is going to be one of my first real candid, gone way too far, provided way too much information, make you blush post. So, sit back, open up your mind and let me know if you can relate.

I have been on Effexor now for about four months. However, I recently discovered that I have been taking the generic form, which is fine, but the generic is not a slow release. When I was taking it, it was dumping into my system too quickly and making me feel like I was going to die (headache, dizzy, sweats, nausea)... literally. But, I had gotten used to it. I happened to mention how awful it makes me feel while I was at my doctor for a sore throat last week, and he switched me to the REAL Effexor which is slow release.

Weeeeeee-eeeelll, there has been a not so nice side effect since I started taking the real stuff. Lately, when my hubby and I "frolic", I have been having a problem with the "CHOO" part. As in a sneeze with an aaahhhh, Ahhhhhh, but no AHHHHH CHOO! if you catch my drift. It's so frustrating!

Have any of you experienced a similar side effect? Did it subside?

Friday, November 20, 2009

Hold The Phone....

It's NEW MOON Friday! (Insert high-pitched squeal here.)

At long-last...we meet again my dearest Edward.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Tourettes Syndrome Moment


You know those moments in a movie when you can't believe that the movie just took that kind of turn, only to find out that the actor was imagining a tourette like outburst, but it didn't really happen? Well, I can't help but notice that whenever I am around a person/group of people that I do not wish to know about my surgery, I flirt with the idea of just screaming out "I had Lap-Band surgery!". Then I snap back into reality. Anyone else flirt with disaster?

Anyone? Anyone?

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Fill'er Up.....or Not

I went in for my third fill yesterday. But after reviewing my "case", my surgeon's PA decided that I wouldn't be getting a fill. His reason? I had lost too much weight. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Seriously? Too much!? He wanted to see around 2-6 pounds in a month, but I had lost 10 according to their scales, so no fill for me because he feels I am obviously working the band properly and don't need more restriction.

I do have to say that I seem to be getting stuck a lot and having to run to the bathroom for quite a bit of PB'ing lately. Do any of you notice that your restriction changes from day to day?

Sometimes I can eat anything and other days I can't even think about eating something that isn't the consistency of mashed potatoes. It's just weird.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Back From the Beach




Hey everyone!!! I got back from the beach just a few hours ago, and boy do I need to make a few confessions.

My friend and I ate like food was going out of style. It was pretty bad. Reese's Cups, Butterfingers, Dr. Peppers, cake, Whoppers, doughnuts...and I don't even like sweet foods! Ugh. My body is probably going to be sooooo sore and stiff for the next few days until all the poison is cleansed.

I am going to go and workout and hopefully burn off at least ONE doughnut. I feel like such an idiot! The only good news is that I got overeating out of my system for quite a long time. I never did tell my friend about me being banded, but she did tell me she was worried about me because I wasn't eating us much as I normally do at meals. HA! Funny.

I will update with a post tomorrow to divulge my rebellious weight gain.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

101 To Go


After feeling a loss coming today, I searched for the perfect number "23". But, upon stepping on the scale this morning, I was surprised to find out that I should have been looking for a "24"!!!

I can't wait until I have less than 100 to lose. I am afraid that that might be a while, however, since I have a beach trip planned for this weekend. The plan is to stick to eating right, but I probably won't get any exercise in.

On another note, I took my boys to a play space full of bouncy houses the other day. Now, the last time I went, I left my shoes on and watched my boys struggle to surmount the obstacles because there was now way in HE!! that I was going to put my fluffy self onto one of those things and embarrass the snot out of myself in front of all of the skinny Moms. BUT, this time I threw off my shoes and had a blast with the boys. I am tired of waiting to live my life. And I didn't worry for two seconds what anyone thought of me, it was great. Let me tell you, those slides are scary!

Have a GREAT day everyone!!!

Small shout out for poor little pound 23.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Another One Down, 103 To Go

Whoo-hoo! Number 22!

I was afraid that the scale wouldn't be so kind to me this morning after munching on my boys' Halloween goodies, but after my 65 minute workout on the elliptical last night, I was sweetly rewarded.

My resistance muscle is growing stronger and stronger everyday and eating better is getting easier. I was at Starbucks with a few friends late one night, and they were giving away all of their goodies. I had my eye on a slice of lemon pound cake and I wanted it SO bad. So, I hatched a plan. I asked for that and one other piece of pound cake and requested that they cut them into multiple little squares for us. They happily obliged and I was able to enjoy ONE little square and stop there. It was so yummy!

I also had another NSV the other morning. About a month ago, I went out to eat with a friend and wore a pair of 20 jeans that were WAY too tight. After laying down on the floor to button them, I wore them hoping that I wouldn't be able to eat much. When I tried the same jeans on a few days ago- they were too big! Amazing.

After being "fluffy" (thanks Amy for that very politically correct word) for all of my adult life, I am still having a hard time accepting my inner diva starting to emerge. I am hoping that I don't sabotage myself due to some perverse fear of finally being happy.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Two Month Bandiversary Stats

Well, it's been two months ago today since my band surgery and here are the current stats:

October 29, 2009 (Two months after Lap Band Surgery)
Weight: 269 (-21) (Hence the "21" balloon!)
Left Arm- 17 " (-1)
Right Arm- 17" (-1)
Left Thigh- 33" (-2)
Right Thigh- 33" (-2)
Left Calf- 19.5" (-1)
Right Calf- 19.5" (-1)
Hips- 56" (-.5)
Bust- 45" (-3)
Waist- 43" (-4.75)
44.1% fat (-6%)

TOTAL Inches lost: 16.25

Size 22/24 to start and currently a size 18/20.

I am very pleased with my results so far and hope that by next month's stats, I will have lost a little bit more of my stubborn butt and hips! :) I weighed 269 when I got married 6.5 years ago, so I am so happy to see that number again this morning.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Ham Hocks, Waves and Butts

I sneaked away the other day long enough to pick up some badly needed groceries. After being trapped inside the house for six days, we had no food! (Which could be a good thing for me- but not so much for my boys!)

While I was standing at the deli ordering some meat and cheese, I couldn't help but notice an 18 pound ham hock. Good grief, that thing was huge! I couldn't believe I had lost an equivalent, and then some, to this HUGE slab of meat and bone. Just crazy. And, equally as crazy is that I have about 6 more of them to go! I need to take a picture of it the next time I go to the store.

I picked up some avocado, sprouts and sliced chicken for sandwiches and I decided to grab some of the recently advertised Arnold's 100 calorie multi-grain, thin slice sandwich bread. So today for lunch, I piled avocado, sprouts and chicken onto the bread and it was to die for! I must have ooohed and aaaahed after ever bite and surely drove my husband crazy. It's my new favorite lunch. Mmmmmmmmm. It felt good to have a healthy and yummy lunch after all we have been going through with illness with my three year old. I have been craving nothing but crap!

Switching noodles here-
This morning while cuddling with my boys, my oldest decided it would be fun to "kick" my leg. After his initial kick he curiously asked, "Mommy, what's inside your leg?". Laughter ensued when he realized that Mommy had waves under her skin. SO NOT FUNNY! Sigh.

AND

When I was looking back at my pre-op pictures, I had scrolled down far enough to get a wide view of my rear view. That was it, nothing but my big'ole bah-dunk-a-dunk was visible and my soon-to-be two year old excitedly proclaimed, "It's Mommy!". Uh, that obvious huh.

I am looking forward to the day when my legs don't remind my boys of the ocean and when my butt is easily confused with the butts of others.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

H1N1

My boys' health has taken a turn for the worst. Both of my little guys are sick now. My three year old has been vomiting for the past five days and today he has been weak and lethargic with a high fever. I am fearing the H1N1 virus and I am worried sick about them. I am on my way to bring them to the doctor's.

Please say a prayer for them.

And of course, the last thing I can even think about right now is losing weight, but I won't give up.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Attack of the Bug

My family has been attacked by the stomach flu. So, needless to say the weekend completely SUCKED! My three year old has been really sick since Saturday morning and he continues to throw-up all over himself. My poor baby has it coming out both ends. It's not pretty.

Off to go bathe and do more laundry. I hope this is over today, LORD willing.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Wait, Let Me Get My Pants On

Okay, so I need to explain the title of this post, but I have to tell the story from the beginning.

I was sitting at my kitchen table clipping coupons, and I decided to start singing. I was making my boys laugh by belting out "Born Free" at the top of my lungs, opera style. I should tell you that I was doing all of this in my undies (my boys don't care, they're used to it!). Still singing, I heard someone knock at the door. Knowing I wasn't dressed, I panicked for a second and ran to the front door to see who was there.

I looked out and saw my husband's friend's truck. He came to build some shelves in the garage for us. Anywho- I knew he needed the garage door to be opened, so I walked over to the interior garage door and swung it open in preparation to open the outside door. SURPRISE!!!

There he stood. Already inside the garage...on the steps...two feet from me. I almost DIED! I quickly hid behind the door and he covered his eyes. SO EMBARRASSING. Especially since this guy is young, in great shape, and is very much into eating healthy. And there I stood...all 270 pounds of me...in my undies. How attractive.

He just stood there and asked if he could use the bathroom, neither of us knew what to do, it was so awkward. So, after I announced that I needed to get my pants on, in he came.

I don't know what is more embarrassing, being caught in my undies, or knowing that he was standing at my door while I was belting out opera. Needless to say, he didn't make eye contact with me for the rest of the day.

If anything, this occurring and having two people tell me in one day that I have such a pretty face, has only provided some serious fuel for my fire. Burn on!!!

So Sad For You...

...number 272. You're gone! I originally planned on celebrating every five or tens pounds. BUT, I've decided that for now, I am going to celebrate every-single pound that I lose. Hello 271. I am so excited to see the 60's again, I can't wait! :)

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

FINALLY! :)


Whoo-hoo! YES! FINALLY!!!
After going back and forth from 275.4 to 277, I finally showed
275 who is boss. When I stepped on the scale this morning, I was so determined to
see 274, that when I first looked down I was disappointed because the 4 wasn't there.
But, upon closer inspection, the 4 was a 2! Hallelujah!!! Hello 272, don't get comfortable, you won't be around long.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Okey-Dokey Folks, I Did It!

This morning I had my second fill with my doctor's office's PA. Okay, let me just say he totally rocked! For the first time, I have had an overwhelmingly positive experience at the office, and I told him that.

It was his enthusiasm for me and my goals that led me to finally do it. I finally ate right and followed the plan since right after surgery. I had a protein shake for breakfast, a protein shake for lunch, a serving of peanut butter pretzels (150 cals.) for a snack and another shake for dinner. All-in-all, I would say no more than 900 calories for the day. AND, I was able to get in a one hour hike.

I have to say, I feel so wonderful compared to the all of the other evenings I have gone to bed feeling like a failure. I have been grasping for some hope from someone/somewhere only to keep failing myself. But, today was different. I made a special point to put myself first and hold myself accountable. Although I wasn't supposed to have solids today, I was proud that I stopped with a single serving of the pretzels instead of telling myself I blew it anyways only to eat even more.

The PA put in another 1.5 ccs so now I have a total of 4.5. He originally put in 2, but I wasn't able to swallow water so he backed out .5 ccs.

I am going to bed looking forward to tomorrow instead of praying that I don't fail once again.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

I Just Got My Arse Kicked

I decided to go for a bike ride tonight and throw in some fresh air with my exercise. I learned that exercising on the elliptical everyday is NOT the best workout. The bike ride totally WHOOPED my ARSE, big time.

I can barely move!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Uh-oh, I Really Think I am Losing it



Folks, I have a serious problem. I CANNOT for the life of me get my act together. I have been eating lately like there is an actual threat of food going out of style.

Yesterday, I ate a bowl of cereal and some chicken salad around 4:00pm and declared that that would be my dinner, and I would eat nothing else for the rest of the day. THEN, my friend called and reminded me that we had dinner plans. Great. So, I ordered a taco and ate chips and salsa and sucked down a HUGE Dr. Pepper.

Determined to make today better, I woke up with plans to get some laundry done and finish with some house cleaning. All was going well until my three year old announced to me that my soon-to-be two year old had literally drained half of the tub's water onto the floor. The whole bathroom was flooded. The bathroom rug was under an inch of water and my bedroom carpet was soaked. I LOST IT. I screamed so loud at my children that I actually peed in my pants and scared the crap out of myself in the process. Now, I do have to say that between an upset belly and my little guy playing go-fetch with Me and his pacis all last night, I probably got 3 hours of sleep and no more than 30 in one stretch. So, I am dealing with some exhaustion today.

My head is messed up and to help fix it I have administered one King size Reese's pumpkin, an order of cheese sticks from Sonic and a small strawberry slushy. So, it is 2:30 and I have easily packed away all of my calories for the day already.

I need to be honest here, I'm worried about myself.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

My Motivation for the Day...

This is what 15 pounds of fat looks like (each blob is 5 pounds):



Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Randomness....

This post is going to be completely random, so hold onto your socks 'cause here we go.

First of all, I am getting kind of humphed with my dear hubby. I hope he means well, but I have been hearing things come out of his mouth that make me want to slap it. One thing in particular that is really getting my goat is that the band is not working, and won't work.

Now let's see. The only way that I could possibly relate how hurtful those kinds of statements are was to go below the belt, so that is exactly what I did. I simply asked him if he had a tee-tiny little peenie and the WHOLE world could see and know about it and he was ridiculed and made fun of for how ridiculously small it was- would he appreciate me telling him his peenie extender was a joke and wasn't going to work? I know this is a giant stretch (no pun intended), but I didn't know how else to portray to him how frustrating it is to not have his support and enthusiasm.

Next, is my poor mother. I called her the other day to tell her how frustrated I am becoming with the lack of scale movement even though I have been exercising 1.5 to 2 hours a day and that I am eating 1/4 of what I used to. Her response? "Well Honey, maybe you need to start exercising". Yeah. Thanks for listening. AND, she keeps asking me questions about how much I can eat and if I am still over-eating.

I definetly have more to learn about living with my new band friend (poor little thing still doesn't have a name). It seems like I am getting stuck a little too often- I need to learn how to take smaller bites and chew, chew, chew more before my next fill. And speaking of getting stuck, how do you fellow bandsters deal with getting stuck in public? I had to excuse myself to the restroom the other night while eating out and quickly hurried for the nearest stall. The restaurant was almost empty so I was looking forward to a scantily occupied bathroom. Unfortunately, the bathroom was small and very busy. I couldn't help but wonder if the people "sitting" in the stalls next to me noticed that my feet were facing the toilet. I was afraid that people were going to think I was in there making myself get sick. So ladies, how do I deal with that?

AND, the best for last. The scale moved 2.6 pounds this morning! Hip-hip-hooray! Now, I am still sitting at 275.2 which means a total loss of 14.8 pounds, but I'll take it seeing how I haven't seen 275 in a few weeks.

That's it for now. Thanks for reading my totally random post!!!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

My Hair is Going to Come Out...


but not because of my surgery. No, no. I am going to pull my hair out any given second now. I have waited and waited before posting this entry, because I have been hoping that I wouldn't have to.

I have been eating GREAT. I have been working out for almost TWO HOURS a day- 45 minutes or so on the elliptical machine and then 15 minutes of ab and muscle work in the morning and before bed. Sound great, right? Well, could someone pah-leeze explain to me why I have been playing ping-pong now with the same three pounds!? I lost 15 pounds in the blink of an eye right after the surgery, and now nothing. Absolutely nothing. It has been over a month and my scale sits stagnant.

After my last post about my whopping one pound loss, it showed up again on the scale this morning. I am working so hard to lose this weight, but it keeps finding me!

I am beyond frustration. What gives? I really think I am just going to start crying and not be able to stop. My dear Amy reiterated to us all how important it is NOT to compare, but I had major weight loss surgery here folks, and other bandsters are doing so well.

I have been doing my best to remain positive and stick with it, but I really needed to vent.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

1 Pound

I was happy to see that my scale no longer resents me this morning. It accepted my apologies by gifting me with a 1 pound loss.

I happily announced the news to my husband, to which he replied, "One pound, huh. And that's a big deal? I mean I can lose a pound in ten seconds."

Thanks honey, I know. I know.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

I've Had my Fill and Then Some

Well, I had my first fill last Thursday, I just stink at blogging lately. Sometimes I feel that I shouldn't blog unless I have something profoundly wise or positive to contribute.

My fill went swimmingly. I was a little apprehensive, but after a quick pinch and a little burn it was all done! The FNP added 3 cc s, and I quickly scheduled my next fill for the 7th of October. I am NOT wasting any time messing around with finding my "sweet spot".

I have found that food does not go down as well as it has been, so I can definitely feel the increase in restriction. BUT, I am still having a problem not eating too much. I am confusing the "stuck" feeling with fullness and vice versa. Am I full? Should I stop? My head hunger has been getting in the way. It is hard to wrap my head around eating less when my brain tells me I haven't eaten enough. It's very strange. So, just like I wrote in my last post, I am working hard at forming new, healthier habits.

I had to grab Wendy's while I was out and about today, and I opted for a kid's meal with chicken nuggets and a diet coke. I was only able to eat the nuggets because french fries are a big no-no for me. In the past my meal would have been MUCH LARGER. My left over "sick" self is constantly thinking of ways to sabotage myself. I need to get a grip! I have days where I just set myself up for failure. I have failed at all of my last attempts, so I am obviously going to fail again. The little voice needs to find a new tag line, because that one is getting old!

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

Now that food isn't the love of my life, I have found a new passion. SHOPPING. It's bad. Really, really bad. I buy and return. Buy some more and then return some more. Buy. Buy again. Feel guilty when my husband threatens that we have to sell our house. Wait a few days. Buy. Return and return. *SIGH* I am deep in the throws of trying to complete my sons' wardrobes for the Fall/Winter so I unfortunately have an excuse. I buy sale items and then return them when they go further on sale only to buy them again. I have made a nifty little game out of saving as much moola as possible while spending money. It keeps me busy.

Ahhhhh, yes. A fellow blogger just reminded me- in addition to shopping, cleaning and doing laundry (yes, laundry) have actually become a pastime as well.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Old Habits Die Hard. Real Hard.

I drove home from my parents' house today and I am exhausted. I decided it would be a good idea to stop for lunch at one of our favorite burger joints when my little ones' hunger began protesting while still on the road. What did I get? A grilled chicken sandwich with an ice water? Nope. I ordered a HUGE Mr. Pibb, a large cheese burger, a milkshake and a large french fry.

Ha, ha, ha, as if!

My poor nutrition deprived brain wasn't thinking, like always, and I fell right into 30 years of old habits. The good news?

I wasn't able to eat it all, not even close. I only nibbled on my burger, ate 2-3 fries, drank a few sips of my soda and the milkshake was a complete bust. THANK GOD FOR MY BAND. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

Now that I am home I am completely devoted to getting right back on track. I am going to exercise tonight and plan on eating a VERY light dinner. I am so looking forward to my fill THIS Thursday! Woot!

Friday, September 11, 2009

NSVs

I finally had some NSVs today- two weeks after my surgery. I have been feeling poorly about not losing weight quicker than I have been, so having some non-scale victories were certainly welcome!

We had a get together with a bunch of friends tonight and I was scrounging for something to wear. I grabbed my jean capris and hesitantly pulled them up. Now, normally I have to s-q-u-e-e-z-e into them and suck in my stomach as much as possible to button them up. I expected the squeezing to be worse because they had just come out of the dryer!

But, to my surprise- right up they went, and no sucking in was required! Woo-hoo. There was even some extra room so they didn't look like they were painted on me.

Once we got to the gathering I noticed the spread- chips, dips, cookies, brownies, soda.... the works. I realized that nothing looked appealing to me...nothing. I didn't even feel hunger or that I needed to use self-restraint. Another NSV. Normally in social settings, I eat out of nervousness and because the food looks so darn good! Not tonight. Not a single nibble.

The scale has started to move down again, not by much, but it's moving. I'll take slow and steady in the right direction anyday over being 50 pounds heavier this time next year.

I hope you have a great weekend!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

The Damage & The Damage

It has been a week and four days since my surgery and a LOT has happened. My best friend came for a visit to help care for me and the boys and we ended up going to Myrtle beach over the weekend. The change of scenery was great, but my food selection, not the best. I did what I could and nibbled here and there, and chewed, chewed and chewed well! When I left I was down to 275 from 290 and I expected to be in the 260s by the time I got home because of how little I could eat, that and I ended up with a fluky stomach bug and was sick at both...well you know the rest.

But, alas, upon my return home the scale read 277. I am going to forget the scale and concentrate on healing for now. I also realize that my appetite is going to increase from here until my first fill in about another three weeks or so. I am prepared for that, but also discouraged that the hunger monster is already rearing it's ugly head. Now...on to the damage:


Check this out!:
(And this doesn't include the $3,000 worth of pre-op testing. CRAZY. $27,000 in all.)

1 week, four days Post-op:



1 Day after Surgery:


Wednesday, September 2, 2009

5 Days In

It's been five days since I was banded, and things are going pretty well. I arrived at the hospital at 10:15 on Saturday morning and was called back about 45 minutes later to begin prepping for surgery. Everyone was very nice and things progressed smoothly. I had to strip down and put on the hospital gown and compression hose. When it was time to put on my gown, I noticed that the nurse had dropped off an extra one- just in case. Well, the extra one was the size of a small house, so in order to preserve a shred of my dignity, I put on the smaller one which fit just fine.

Once my IV was in and my belly was all washed I was off to the second holding room where they fitted me with a gorgeous hospital hairnet. I was there for a total of 10 minutes or so and then I was whisked away into the operating room. Once I got there, it seemed like ten different people confirmed who I was and what surgery I was going to have. (I guess they didn't want to amputate the wrong leg! :)) Of course the room was freezing, but all the techs. were super nice and they moved like there was a race to be won- which was a little unnerving. One lady was strapping me down and placing warm towels on my body while another was placing "boots" on my lower legs which massaged them during the surgery to increase circulation and help prevent blood clots from forming. That felt nice for all of two minutes, because before I knew it, the nurse anesthetist told me she was putting something in my IV to help calm me and I passed out a second later. I was gone.

"Diane...Diane....you need to cough for me honey. Diane? Diane, you need to breath honey, you're not breathing....come on honey....breath."

Where was I? And who the heck was Diane? Oh no! Maybe they DID preform the wrong surgery after all.

I finally came around and the nurse took out the intubation tubing that was still in my throat.

"Diane, honey you need to breath."

No, no, my name is Lynn.

"Diane, I know it hurts, but I can't give you any more morphine."

No, my name is L y n n. (I couldn't talk because my throat was all sore and scratchy.)

"Diane, I can't give you any more pain medicine because you have already had too much, that is why you are having a hard time breathing."

No, my name is LYNN. Finally it came out.

"Oh, I am so sorry. My sisters' names are Lynn and Diane and when I heard your name, I was thinking I wouldn't forget it".

PHEW. That means the right surgery had been preformed after all.

Right then, my surgeon came around the corner and told me that everything went smoothly and that I was all done. I nodded and went back to sleep. I woke up in the recovery room where my husband was able to join me. My husband told me that the surgeon said that my hernia was more severe then he had suspected, so I immediately assumed that I was no longer a candidate for single incision surgery and expected to see five or six holes. They kept me there for about an hour and made sure that I could walk, pee and drink water. The water tasted nasty so I made my husband drink it, but only after making sure that I could keep a few swallows down. While I was getting dressed I looked down at my poor belly only to see a beat up belly button and one small little hole just below my two breasts. My surgeon was able to do the banding and correct the hernia all through my belly button, but the hole at the top was for an instrument that held my liver out of the way. They reviewed my diet restrictions and I was home by 5:00pm. I ended up sleeping for almost three whole days, and even five days later, I am still wanting to sleep all the time.

I am thinking that at this point, I am just weak and tired from a lack of calories. It's really hard to only have 200-300 calories a day while you are healing from surgery. But I have to say, it is definitely getting easier. My best friend Kate came up with her girls to stay with me and help with my boys. She is such a God sent.

I have lost 14 pounds over the past six days and I am looking forward to what my future holds. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat, no regrets.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

I'm Banded

I am signing in long enough to let everyone know that my surgery went fine. I had a moderate to severe hernia that had to be corrected, so I have a great cover story for those whom I chose not to share with. I will try to post some more tomorrow, but at this point it is still hard for me to sit up and type.

I'll be back soon.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Pre-op Admission Testing and Pregnancy

Today I had to go to my pre-op appt. at the hospital where my procedure will be preformed. When I entered the main entrance, I approached the information desk and asked the man where I needed to go. He gave me directions and I was on my way. I couldn't help but notice all the babies around me as I neared my designation, but that all made sense once I entered the pre-op room. There on the wall was a sign that said: Obstetric Pre-op. Yup. Obstetric. The information dude thought I was pregnant. I guess it's a good thing I am having lap-band surgery. My embarassment doesn't end there.

On my way out, I had to take en elevator back down to ground level. There was a nurse in the elevator whom immediatly complimented me on my shirt. She then went on to ask me if I had the baby yet. Really? Baby? Can you not tell the difference between a FAT person and a pregnant person? In an effort to not embarass her- enough of that had already gone on today- I told her, yes the baby had already arrived. She then went on and enquired about gender and name....etc. I provided the correct information for my youngest. How's that for going out with a banb? That had NEVER happened to me before. But, I guess if it were going to happen, a hospital would be the right place.

Besides all of that, the testing went fine. I found out that my surgery was moved up from 2:00pm to 10:20am. So, that's good. Just rip that band-aid off.

I really don't know how anorexics or bandsters do it folks. I am so hungry I could seriously capture, kill and eat a small animal right about now. AND this is only my FIRST day of fluids! Any advice bandsters? Are there any secrets that I need to know? My mother is going to have to prepare dinner this evening because I don't know if I can remember not to test taste a noodle- eating is such a habit.

Well, here I go everybody. My next post will be about my surgery experience. I am so nervous, excited, scared, and cranky all rolled into one!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I CANNOT BELIEVE IT

Well, it's official. I am scheduled for my surgery THIS Friday- the 28th of August. My very first visit was on the 4th of August. In 24 days I completed all of the paper work, lab work, radiology exams, psych evaluation, nutrition counseling, had my surgeon consultation, received approval from BCBS, went to the pre-op and then surgery. This has to be record time baby. Record time. This is quicker than going the Mexico route for sure.

I am still in shock. I woke-up this morning ready to settle in for a few months time while the process ran the course, but BAM! I heard that BCBS approved the surgery at 4:00pm and by 4:55 I was scheduled. I don't even know what to think. Luckily, my surgeon only requires one day of clear liquids- the day before surgery. (I just noticed I have hives. I must be more freaked out than I thought! I itch.)

I cancelled plans I had this evening and told my husband we were going out to eat- the "last supper" so to speak. I chose Outback. I am not sure why I chose Outback, but that was my choice. We settled in and ordered a Bloomin onion, dr. pepper, coke, salad, soup, bread, we each orderd a 16 oz. prime rib, I had steamed veggies and my hubby had fries. Words cannot explain the excitement I felt regarding my "last binge".

The blooming onion came- eh, it tasted pretty decent. My salad arrived- but the ranch dressing didn't taste the way I remembered. Then the prime rib, veggies and grilled shrimp. Veggies- yum. Prime rib- dry, tough and disgusting and it got sent back. The shrimp were pretty good. But all-in-all the dinner totally sucked. I had a brief moment were I couldn't help but feel greatly dissapointed about my "farewell" dinner. It was supposed to be supremely divine, an absolutely glorious memory to hold forever into eternity. Then it hit me.

The dinner sucked. My last BIG meal sucked. I was totally stuffed and grossed out by the whole experience. But, that was a good thing. I suddenly realized that my last memory of a huge meal was a bad one. Instead of going into surgery with the feeling that I won't ever be able to enjoy massive amounts of yummy food, I am going to realize that all that disgusting food left me feeling icky. It was NOT worth it. At all.

So, I feel like my sianora was a happy one after all. Farewell big meals full of ick. Hello small, healthy meals.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Waaaah. Boo. Hiss. With an UPDATE!


Today was my surgery consultation. I finally got to meet the surgeon, and he was wonderful.

However, to make a super-long story short.....his staff bites the big one.

Instead of being able to mark my calendar with my surgery date, I get to wait a few more weeks while his incompetent staff figures out how to do their jobs.

So I sit and wait, consumed with anxious anticipation I compare to waiting for my sons' births.

UPDATE:
At my appt. yesterday, I gave the surgeon an ear full regarding my experiences with his staff, apparently it helped my case quite a bit! I jut got a phone call from their insurance coordinator to say that they have already gotten the approval letter from BCBS!!!! Woo-hoo! I was also told that there had been a surgery cancellation for this Friday. THIS FRIDAY! Could you imagine? I will keep you all updated.

UPDATE x2:
The doctor's office just called and told me to eat nothing but clear liquids tomorrow because it looks like they can get me on the books for Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As in the day after tomorrow. The day after tomorrow!!!!!! Oh my GOD.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Free Floater

I have known for quite sometime now that I need to find a new bathing suit. I have been wearing my maternity suit for almost four years. But, it's black, cute and covers my bodacious behind.

Last night, I had the privilege of hanging out with a few extra kiddos while their parents went to a concert. To kill some time, I took everyone to our pool- wearing of course my stretched out maternity suit. While I was jumping up and down and playing, I noticed that I had to keep pulling my suit up. Now, I don't know if my boobies have been shrinking because I don't nurse anymore, or if the two-tons of fabric were being weighted down by the water but the "girls" kept trying to escape.

I threw my one year old into the air and on his way down, my forearm felt some nipplage. Terrified, I looked down and sure enough one of the girls had proclaimed that they were a free boob. There she sat, bobbing in the water. I have no idea how long she was free, but the pool was quite crowded and the male life guard was staring right at me and there were tons of children around me.

Oh'well. I hope that I haven't left some poor pre-pubescent boy scarred for life.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

$$$ ~Cha-Ching~ $$$

My friend Kate told me about a cool site call Swagbucks that actually rewards you for using their search engine. Like always I resisted, but since, I have signed up and it's pretty cool. With today's economy, and since you search the internet anyways, who couldn't use free stuff! Click here if you are interested in signing up, it's free! After earning swagbucks, you can redeem them for gift cards at restaurants, stores, Amazon...etc.

Also, there is a website called Southern Savers that does all the work for you when it comes to grocery store specials, freebies and coupons. Best of all, it's free! The lady that heads SS shows you how to save tons of money on groceries and maps out exactly what you need to do to save the most and get free stuff.

Have fun saving money!

Friday, August 21, 2009

Yikes!


After receiving an email that was supposed to show me some scary sweetness, I came across this site looking for the broken email links.

Click here to see how other foods/beverages "stack" up in sugar cubes.

Thanks Everyone

I appreciate all of your comments on my last post. I realize that she is certainly not a winner, and I actually came home and told my husband that we have nothing in common, and I won't be spending anymore time with her.

She is NOT my best friend, nor a good friend. She is just an acquaintance from church whom I thought would be a good friend once I got to know her better. I was wrong. I almost think that my self consciousness about my weight acts as a barrier around people who so blatantly advertise their disgust about overweight people directly to an overweight person. It's just weird. We're like oil and water- we just don't mix.

Thanks again everyone, I enjoyed reading all of your takes on the situation.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

You Eat What!?

I went out with a friend from church tonight and really enjoyed doing something other than taking care of my boys. So, that was nice. But I do have a few things I need to bounce around.

First of all....my friend is super skinny. Like 5'8" and 110 pounds skinny. Figure skater thin and muscular. Blech! Anywho- after walking around for a while, she decided to order a milkshake from Chick-fil-A and I ordered a large water- so exciting I know. While we were walking around, I decided to take the opportunity to ask her what she eats on a daily basis. I have always wanted to know what she eats- thinking that it may put my daily consumption into perspective for me. This is what she eats on any given day:
Breakfast: 2 cups or so of Lucky Charms w/milk
Snack: Bagel (normal size-yes I asked) w/butter or jelly
Lunch: Peanut butter and jelly with regular chips (not baked) and juice
Snack: 5-6 cookies (seriously)
Dinner: Chicken with rice and cheese (she says she cooks with lots of cheese)
Snack: More cereal or ice cream
Oh. My. Gawd. Can you believe it? Doesn't this sound like a lot of food for someone who is so uber-skinny? Maybe I need to eat more! ;)

Then, after that super enlightening food diary, we ended up sitting on some stools. They were the kind that went up or down using hydrolics. And guess what? Yup, when she sat down on hers, nothing. When I sat down on mine- big whoosh of air and I sunk about 12 inches below her. So not cool.

Now, a little background that I did not provide earlier in the post. This girl was the same one who announced in bible study that "fat" people "gross her out". Excuse me? She said that glutony was one of the seven sins, and that "fat" people were all sinners and needed to eat less. Oh-kay. She also told me this evening that my mother isn't exactly small. What? How did my poor mom get brought into this conversation? My mother is a perfect size 14 and is in great health thank you very much.

It is people like this that make me want to lose 130 pounds over night just to smack them in the face when I am on an even playing ground.

Holy Bananas


I just got back from Trader Joe's with a new stock of freeze dried fruit. And let me just say that their freeze dried bananas are ridiculously delicious. I know that there are worse things that I can be indulging in, but good grief, these things are super yummy! There are two servings per bag and each serving is 150 calories.

If you have a TJ's nearby- go get some! If you don't, then I feel very sorry for you.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

So Torn

I have decided to keep my decision to have surgery under wraps. Only my husband, best friend and my parents know of my plans. However, I do have another dear friend who has been weighing heavily (no puns here) on my mind.

I will call this friend, Joy. Joy and I have been friends for a LONG time, and she considers me her best friend. While we were out the other night, I happened to mention an incident that really upset me and told her that I called my friend Kate. She was immediately offended that I hadn't called her right away. "Why did you call Kate and not me?". Ugh. Kate and I have been best friends for (ever) over 20 years now and she is pretty much another half of me. She knows EVERYTHING that goes on with me; all my thoughts, all of my actions, hopes, dreams, problems.... all the ins and outs. There is NOTHING that we don't share with one another- we even share problems with weight and food addiction. I don't feel this close to my friend Joy at all.

Joy is a little pruddy- and by that I mean she comes across as being a prude. If I bring up the subject of sex or something even mildly personal, she blushes and giggles like I had crossed the line. Okay, ladies. Who out there hasn't talked about sex with their best friends? If I am her best friend, she should be able to share with me a lot more than I feel she does.

Okay, so here is my problem. What happens if/when she finds out that I had surgery? I am so afraid that she will be terribly hurt and insulted that I hadn't come forward with my plans. Honestly, the way she is, if she kept something like this from me I wouldn't be shocked at all, I would almost expect it. But she expects me to share everything with her. She has a tendency to be judgmental and I am afraid that she will tell her other friends. But again, I am afraid to hurt her feelings by not telling her now. I don't think she will understand my choice not to tell her.

What do I do?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I Want to Look Like This Again.....



I am the one on the right.


Okay, so the last one isn't really me. :)

?

Why do I have such a compulsion to keep checking my emails and Facebook? What am I expecting to happen? I think I am losing my mind. Hey! - at least I am not eating! :)

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Waffle Wake-Up

I couldn't find anything to make for dinner, and I didn't want to pile the boys in the car to pick-up fast food. After looking in the fridge and freezer at least ten times, I settled on making a few waffles.

While the waffles were toasting, my three year old said, "Mommy, ladies don't eat waffles". "What? What do you mean ladies don't eat waffles?" to which he replied, "Mommy, ladies don't eat waffles because they aren't healthy, they aren't good for your body".

I have such a HUGEmongous influence on my boys right now, and will continue to for the rest of their lives, I am sure. That is why I have got to change my life and my lifestyle. Not only for me, but for my precious boys and their children, and their children.... who knows who I will hurt in the future if I do not set a good example for my boys, now, while I can.

My List

Well, I have heard that it is a good idea to come up with a list of pros and cons of having surgery. I plan on reflecting back on this list as I continue forward on my journey. This list will be evolving, I am sure, as things progress along. In no special order, here is the beginning of my list:

Cons:
  • Anesthesia- this scares me a bit. I hate the thought of leaving my two babies behind without a Mommy, or my husband without a wife.
  • risk of complications from incision or band itself
  • vomiting
  • loose skin (BUT, as Amy said, I would rather be healthy with loose skin, than obese with tight skin!)
Pros:
  • Live longer! The idea of having a heart attack at the age of 45 and abandoning my family has been haunting.
  • prevent obesity related diseases
  • to set a better example for my children so that they won't travel down the same path as I have
  • more energy!
  • I am looking forward to not being so darn hot all the time-less sweating
  • to be able to once again do the activities that I have always loved and have missed so much
  • to once again feel attractive and increase the level of intimacy with my husband
  • to be able to sleep on my back without snoring from being crushed by my own weight
  • to sleep at night free of heartburn
  • once again exercise comfortably- I cannot wait to jog again!!!
  • I would love to have a lap that my kids don't slide off of.
  • shopping at ANY store for clothes
  • the resolution of my chronic foot pain and to prevent knee and hip replacements
  • I am looking forward to having an increased self-esteem.
  • not embarrassing my children in the future for being so large
  • not having to worry about fitting in/breaking chairs
  • I have always wanted to sit "Indian style" on a chair.
  • being able to cross my legs without an extreme exertion of effort
I will be adding to this list as things occur to me- there really are so many that it's hard to list them all.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Feelings and Other Men

Okay men, you have been forewarned by the title of this post. It indeed is regarding feelings- feelings of a female. So, you better scream and run now! On second thought, maybe you should stick around, you might be able to provide me with some wonderful advice.

I have been having a few emotions running around my head lately, and figured this would be the place to work some of them out.

I asked my husband lately how he would feel if I lost 100 pounds, I asked only after he asked me the same question. His reply was purely sexual. So....... Is that really what it is all about? Is that why we aren't as intimate as I would like to be? It saddens me that I turn him off that badly. As if I am not disgusted with myself enough as it is.

It is really hard to communicate with my husband, it's a bit like talking to a tree honestly. For instance:

When I say, "Honey, can we talk about a few things?"
He hears, "Come here. Sit down. And shut up. I am going to fuss at you for the next hour about how miserable you make my life and how inadequate you are as a human being".

Seriously! This is how he acts. I am a person that thrives off of communication and verbal approval, he is not. His love language is acts of service- which I try my best with. He doesn't care if I say "I love you" everyday or tell him how handsome he is, or what a great job he is doing- but I do. I need to hear those things. I have shared this with him so many times, that I feel as though I will never get through to him. I have tried writing letters, sending emails (same thing), joking around, counseling....etc.

The part that bothers me are the dreams that I have been having. I am so starved for personal love and affirmation from my husband that I dream about other men. Now, don't get all excited- there is NOTHING sexual about the dreams, at all. I don't know these "men"- they are just men. But in my dreams they portray such a sense of longing to be with me, of loving me and making me feel so valued and precious. It's kind of hard to explain. I wish I didn't have to rely on these dreams to fulfill me emotionally. Has anyone else ever experienced this?

I just don't know what to do. It has been so long since there has been any kind of healthy jealousy in our relationship, that I wonder how he will handle me being losing 100 pounds and not being such a turn-off. Okay, so basically I want there to be something more than purely sexual- I sound like every woman out there, I know. I would love for our relationship to be based on so much more. If I become thin (thinner), will he be staying with me just because I am once again attractive? or because he loves me to pieces and can't imagine life without me no matter how much I weighed?

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I Could Use a Little Help

*Warning: Sound off below.

As many of you already know, I have two boys- one's three years old and my youngest is 20 months old. My three year old has been putting me through the ringer lately with his behavior. I was thinking he is just acting out because we have been stuck inside the house due to illness for the past week and a half. So, we woke up nice and early this morning and took a nice long walk. I was hoping some exercise and fresh air would help us all. Yeah, no. I just don't know what to do with him anymore! Everything is, NO! And now my one year old is starting to copy him. After dealing with this for several days, I am just fed up. The whining....the screaming....the fussing....the kicking.... I have just had it!

My mother-in-law is in the area, and she NEVER offers to help. NEVER. It drives me absolutely bonkers. I would just die if she picked up the phone and called me to ask if she could help in any way. When she called this morning and I told her I was going to lose it, she facetiously chuckled and started talking about herself. ARGH. Why can't she actually DO something? How about you come over to my house and visit with YOUR grandchildren so I can think straight for TWO minutes and MAYBE, just maybe, get some stink'in laundry done!?

I just wish, so badly, that the boys had a grandma that lived close by that actually gave a hoot about them. It makes me so sad that she doesn't want to take them to a park or just spend time with them. If she happens to watch them while I go to a doctor's appt. or something, she comes at the last minute and leaves just as soon as I get home.

I just need help sometimes. I need a chance to recuperate. Sorry for the rant.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I Know You

Today was the day that I had to go for all of my pre-op testing. Because the hospital is so close to my house, I was afraid that I would see someone I knew, who would then let the questions rip. I was REALLY hoping to avoid stuttering an excuse for my beinging at the hospital for testing.

I arrived at 8:30- registration- check! All sent smooth.
At 8:50- lab work and EKG- check! Smooth sailing.
At 9:00- Ultrasound- check! Not so smooth.

When the girl called me back her face looked familiar, but I wasn't going to go there, you know? BUT, she did. When she laid me on the table, she actually asked me why I was having pre-op tests. I replied that I was considering the lap band procedure. THEN she says, "I know you!". Gah-Rate. She was my husband's best friend's wife's best friend. Did you follow that? So basically the one group of people that I definitely don't want finding out about my surgery now has a direct information source.

After that little hiccup, the barium swallow/upper GI and x-rays all went smoothly. No more friends, thank GOD!

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Not Tonight Honey, I'm Too Tired


After we ate dinner tonight, my husband decided it was time we all pile in the car and go get some ice cream. My husband's favorite dessert is a milkshake from Chick-fil-A. As I have stated in previous posts, I am not a big milkshake and ice cream fan. But, I hopped in the driver's seat and headed towards CFA.

Knowing I wouldn't be getting a milkshake, my husband asked me what I was going to get. Hmmmmmmmmmm......... What was I going to get? Some of my favorite desserts come from our local Harris Teeter bakery- they have a gourmet chef there, and their desserts are dang-er-ous.

I started heading towards the grocery store once my three men had their slurpy goodness when suddenly it hit me. I was too tired to get out of the car and walk inside the grocery store.

I drove home with nothing. It's pretty bad when you are too tired to get yourself dessert. That speaks volumes, doesn't it!? :)

Friday, August 7, 2009

Ooooooh, I am SO Hot!

I have been waiting ALL week to hear back from the surgeon's office regarding my pre-op testing appointment. I assumed I would have heard back from them by now, but I was trying to be patient. I decided to send an email inquiring as to when I could expect to get my appointment but I never got a response. So, I decided to call them.

When I called, I was able to speak with the lady who was supposed to schedule my appointment and she told me that she got my email, but that she was waiting until the billing lady returned to the office on Monday. When I asked her why, she told me it was because my $250 enrollment fee wasn't applied to the right account, and it needed to be fixed first.

NOT MY PROBLEM!!!!! I paid the money....now make my appointment. I can't believe that!

I am so mad I am shaking. That office needs to get in gear or I am on my way to Mexico- who by the way has been in touch almost every other day to check in on me and my decision. Hmmmmmmm, American patient support versus Mexico....Mexico wins, hands down.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

It Is What It Is

I just logged onto Facebook and found out that one of my friends has posted a few recent pictures of me- and of course tagged me. So, there I am for everyone to see in all of my blubbery glory.

My first instinct was to immediately un-tag myself, but then I realized something. It is what it is. I am who I am and I can't change that right now- but I am learning to like myself. For someone who VERY carefully selected the photos I chose to post, this is quite an accomplishment of resignation on my behalf.

Just Like the Ocean


This morning, while laying on my bed, my three year old decided to "pat" my upper leg. This is what he said:

"Mommy, I'm making waves just like the ocean!".

That's my sweet boy!

Ahhhhhhh, the good'ole bowl full of jelly feeling. Jiggle, jiggle!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Weird..... Just Weird

So, today was the big day- my first bariatric surgery consultation. Upon arriving at the office this afternoon, I couldn't help but notice immediately all of the quite large waiting room chairs. After checking in at the front desk, and being smacked with a $250 "enrollment fee", I swiveled around and eyed the comfy looking chairs, but out of pride selected a smaller chair. I ended up waiting for 45 minutes and found myself questioning why I was there.

There was a little voice inside of my head that kept saying, "You don't belong here....leave....just get up and leave". It was really weird. Again, probably just pride. Once I was called back, the family nurse practitioner brought me back to a room where she very simply asked, "Do you want the lap band or gastric bypass?". Um, lap band? Was that it? No, "why are you here today....tell me about your journey....why do you think you are a good candidate for surgery?" Nothing. Just- which one?

So the FNP was a little lack luster, but the surgeon would be so much better. Right? After taking my blood pressure, listening to my heart, and of course recording my weight, she had some time to ask questions. I have to be honest, I felt like I knew more than she did. I don't know if I just did really awesome research so there was nothing I didn't know, or if she is just used to "dumb" people coming in who don't ask all the nitty-gritty questions. But I put her through the ringer. Once I was done with her, she sent me to meet with the insurance lady.

The insurance lady sat down and handed me a few pieces of paper and said, "Sign here, and here, and here, and here. You will need to have an upper GI, blood work, an EKG, a chest x-ray and a gallbladder ultrasound, what day works out better for you?". "Um, Tuesday?". "Okay, have you paid your enrollment fee?". "Yes". "Okay, because you have to pay that to proceed. You will need to call this person and this person to schedule your pysch and nutrition evaluations. Any questions?". "No, I guess not". "Okay, well you can check out right here" (as she walks me to the check-out desk).

While I was checking out, I realized that I have been told on several occasions that it is very important to feel a good connection with your surgeon. It is important to feel at ease. But....but....I never got to meet the surgeon. What the frick? I asked the lady when I will have the chance to meet the surgeon and she acted confused. "You didn't meet him today?". I told her no, and while looking puzzled she said, "Well, you'll just meet him when you come back for your test results".

WEIRD. So instead of making sure I had the chance to meet the man who will be cutting me open, and hopefully changing my life, I have to wait. I WILL be emailing the office administrator about that. Isn't that strange? How can I be asked to sign-up and pay a $250 enrollment fee for a surgery when I don't even know who the surgeon is? I plan on liking the doctor, so hopefully it won't be an issue. I have heard a lot of great things about him, so I am going to blindly trust what I have heard.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Sticky Pants

Well, tomorrow is the big day. I hope to have my questions answered and my nerves calmed. I can tell you however, that I am becoming very, very excited about having the surgery. I have moments when I am ready to jump on a plane to Mexico to "just do it already"!
My husband has been riding the fence lately, still asking me why I can't just lose weight with diet and exercise. He is a fit 180 pounds, and has never had weight issues. We went for a three mile walk yesterday and I had all I could do to keep up! It was super hot and the humidity down here in the south was around 100%. My pants were sticking to me the whole time and riding up my behind. I kept looking over my shoulder to see who was being tortured with the view of my backside. By the time we were done, I had blisters on my feet and I was drenched! One good thing that came from it was realizing that I can still walk three miles, and then some. My husband just walks too fast for my current fitness level I guess.

So here are the questions I plan on asking the surgeon tomorrow morning. Even though I know the answers to some of these questions, I want to hear what HE says.

  • How many have you performed?
  • What size band will I get?
  • Irreversible damage to stomach?
  • How many incisions do you perform?
  • Reflux? Esophageal Cancer?
  • How large is the pouch opening normally?
  • Liquids? Stretch pouch, or go right through?
  • Don't solids just go right through the hole into the larger stomach?
  • What poses the greatest risk for the need of a second surgery?
  • How common is band slippage? How common is stomach prolapse?
  • How soon do you do fills? How aggressive are you?
  • Has anyone ever paid you in nickels before?
I'll let you know how it goes!

Saturday, August 1, 2009

I have been feeling extremely anxious about my decision to look into the Lap-band surgery. I have pretty much been consumed with all possible scenarios. As a wife and mother of two, just going into surgery makes me a nervous wreck. The idea of surgery, for a worrier like myself, is a daunting one. But...I must move forward. Just having the hope that one day I will beat this makes me smile on a daily basis.

I have still been hearing off and on from my husband, "Why don't you just exercise everyday?". I cringe every time I hear it because it is so obvious. DUH. Why don't I just exercise everyday and eat less? It takes only a split second to say, and it is pure, unadulterated common sense. However, as easy as it is to say, doing it is something different entirely.

When I overeat, I become someone else. The relatively intelligent college grad that is inside my head somewhere checks out periodically while my split personality takes over to enjoy the sin of pleasure. It's like I don't even exist until the whole "ordeal" is over. And then the overwhelming self hate, regret and guilt sets in. I feel that having a tool, such as the band, will FORCE me to be held accountable and not check out. I won't have the option! I will HAVE to chew, chew, chew and pay very close attention to everything that goes into my mouth. I won't have the ability to totally tune-out.

I have heard many bandsters warn that you can overeat such things as ice cream, milkshakes...etc. I am not worried about that, because, fortunately I am not a big ice cream person. I can pass on a bowl of ice cream easily. So, I'm good in that aspect! Now, mashed potatoes are another thing- good thing we don't allow those at our dinner table anyways!

My first consult with the surgeon is this Tuesday, the 4th, and I am equally as excited as I am nervous. We still haven't heard back from BCBS yet, so fingers crossed.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

More to Judge

Oh, I mean Love. Okay, I finally watched the dvr'd premiere of More to Love. Hmmmmm, where to start, where to start. I have such mixed emotions. Notice how the same guy who created ABC's Bachelor created this show, but only FOX could be talked into airing it? Interesting.

So first of all, when all of the skinny-minnie size 4 models/cheerleaders show up to star on ABC's Bachelor, their height and weight isn't displayed for all to see. I mean, seriously!? Seriously!? Who in the he!! thought of that one? Those poor girls. The viewers can plainly judge for themselves who might weigh what....it DOESN'T MATTER who weighs 170 and who weighs 278. Isn't the whole show supposed to be about how size doesn't matter? But yet, the Bachelor keeps talking about how he likes large/curvy women. So, should all the skinny girls be upset about the biased casting for THIS show? I know that is far fetched, but why can't shows like this cast a variety ( just like real life folks) of sizes?

THEN, you have the Bachelor...what's his name....Luke? Who talks like he is in some kind of Dr. Phil therapy session with all of the girls. So, when he tells a girl how beautful she is and how any guy would be lucky to have her, is she supposed to feel all warm and fuzzy inside when he sends her packing? Most (if not all) of the girls have stated that this is their "last ditch effort" to find love, their last chance. How sad. The show doesn't show impowered, strong woman. It focuses on an almost desperate side of how miserable the ladies are, further establishing the "poor fat girl" theme. They're always crying in the confession segments!!! I might tune in again to see if the theme changes, but for now I feel that the show is nothing but blatant exploitation set out to stomp on the hearts of 19 poor woman.

I wonder how many frat houses all over the country tune-in just for the night's entertainment?

Oh, my gosh! I almost forgot. How about the fact that not only did they serve food, but they showed the girls eating? They have NEVER shown, or served for that matter, food at the socials on ABC's the Bachelor. What's next, their "fantasy dates" at McDonalds? I can't believe Emme is okay with how the show turned out. Let's hope it gets better.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I am My Own Worst Enemy

My husband and I went to a Jason Mraz concert tonight, and I couldn't help but be moved when he said:

"You can have anything you want at anytime."

It Worked Out Great!

Thanks for all of your well-wishes everyone! The evening turned out to be just fine, and I actually really enjoyed the performance. We saw The Sound of Music, it was wonderful!

When my friend and I first arrived at our row, I noticed another lady in her party was sitting towards the end and I was thinking, oh good- she'll scoot in and I will have the end seat! But, she stood up to let us by. The other lady claimed that she was going to take up three seats because she wanted leg room. Did she notice I needed a$$ room? :)

As it turned out, nobody sat to the right of me, so I was able to lean away from my friend. I prayed a few times in my head, thank you God, thank you God, thank you God....

I couldn't cross my legs or move around, but I was perfectly comfortable. Phew!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

So Worried...

My friend invited me to attend a Broadway production with her this evening, and I am absolutely panic stricken! I am SO afraid that I won't fit comfortably in the seats and that I will be "spilling" over into the seats next to me. I HATE this! These are the times where you hit yourself in the head with a frying pan for not having lost weight yet.

Please pray that I get through this evening with my dignity intact and that I actually enjoy the show!

Saturday, July 25, 2009

What's The BIG Deal?


Okay, so have you seen advertisements for Fox's new show More to Love hosted by Emme? I would love to know what all of you think about it.

Good idea? Why? Why not?