I have decided to keep my decision to have surgery under wraps. Only my husband, best friend and my parents know of my plans. However, I do have another dear friend who has been weighing heavily (no puns here) on my mind.
I will call this friend, Joy. Joy and I have been friends for a LONG time, and she considers me her best friend. While we were out the other night, I happened to mention an incident that really upset me and told her that I called my friend Kate. She was immediately offended that I hadn't called her right away. "Why did you call Kate and not me?". Ugh. Kate and I have been best friends for (ever) over 20 years now and she is pretty much another half of me. She knows EVERYTHING that goes on with me; all my thoughts, all of my actions, hopes, dreams, problems.... all the ins and outs. There is NOTHING that we don't share with one another- we even share problems with weight and food addiction. I don't feel this close to my friend Joy at all.
Joy is a little pruddy- and by that I mean she comes across as being a prude. If I bring up the subject of sex or something even mildly personal, she blushes and giggles like I had crossed the line. Okay, ladies. Who out there hasn't talked about sex with their best friends? If I am her best friend, she should be able to share with me a lot more than I feel she does.
Okay, so here is my problem. What happens if/when she finds out that I had surgery? I am so afraid that she will be terribly hurt and insulted that I hadn't come forward with my plans. Honestly, the way she is, if she kept something like this from me I wouldn't be shocked at all, I would almost expect it. But she expects me to share everything with her. She has a tendency to be judgmental and I am afraid that she will tell her other friends. But again, I am afraid to hurt her feelings by not telling her now. I don't think she will understand my choice not to tell her.
What do I do?
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- After struggling with my weight for over 25 years, I have decided to undergo the Lap-Band procedure and hope that I will continue to have all of your support even after making such an important and difficult decision. I was banded on August 28th, 2009. I would love for you to follow my journey, so come on in, put your feet up and take a look around! :)
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14 comments:
Why not tell her? What will it hurt?
I think you do what youa re the most confortable doing. If she is truly your friend, she will respect your decision either way.
If you wanted to tell her, you would. Clearly, you have reservations about this -- and it sounds like the main reason is that you are worried about her not respecting your privacy. That is a VERY GOOD REASON not to tell her.
Honestly, this really isn't her business. If you ever do tell her about the surgery, why can't you just say that you kept it private and that she is one of the very first to know. That will be true, and she doesn't have to know what date you told your real best friend.
This girl kind of sounds like. . well, not that good of a friend. If this might be enough to ruin the friendship, I don't think (based on the very little I know) that you would really be losing that much.
Good luck with your decision. Don't let guilt rule what you decide. I haven't been able to tell my own brother about my surgery because I don't want his (rude, skinny) wife to know about it. If you want to maintain your privacy, you will have to make some tough calls about who not to tell.
Good luck with this!
Catherine
Do what feels right to YOU and don't worry about pleasing anyone else or hurting anyone else's feelings. This is all about YOU!! This surgery is for YOU!! YOU decide if and when you want to share the story. I came to the conclusion I didn't care what peeps thought about me having this type of surgery ~ I admit I know what to do and how to do it I just didn't and the gizmo helps me along and to stay on track! I'm excited for YOU!! ;-)
You're under no obligation to tell her. Considering that it's something you want to keep private for now and that you think she might spread it around (both of which you said in the post), I certainly wouldn't.
If and when the moment ever feels right, you can let her know. For the time being, I wouldn't. She doesn't have a "right" to know personal information about you.
I 100% agree with Catherine. It is up to you on who you should tell and who to keep it private from. Besides the fact that some people are just judgmental, there are others who don't know how to keep a secret and be respectful of someone's wishes. It doesn't sound like she would be quite mature enough anyways to understand your decision.
I guess you have to decide if you want the friendship to really continue. I'm saying that not because I think you should tell her, but if she finds out (and she probably will) then she may be so upset that your friendship won't survive.
It's a hard call either way. You have to do what you feel comfortable with. Will she be supportive or not?
Ditto....I agree 100% with Catherine. There is a reason why you don't feel comfortable telling her.
Personally, I believe you have to trust your intuition. Don't we all have friends that don't know everything about us? Don't we all have friends that we tell some things, but not others, and vice versa with other friends? Don't we share things with our best friends that we might not share with our husbands (girl stuff, sex, etc.). This is a personal choice, and I believe that you can't make a decision based on how they might react if they didn't know. If she truly is your friend, she might be hurt that she didn't know, but she will understand and be respectful of your decision, and support you AND your decision to have the surgery AND not tell her. Remember too, that you never have say why you didn't tell her IF she finds out. You could simply say that it is a delicate subject. If she walks away from a friendship because you didn't share a 'secret' with her, then she wasn't a good friend anyway. I'd remember too that IF she finds out, then someone else you trusted let your secret slip.
If you are worried she'll be judgmental and tell others you don't want to know and if she doesn't tell you personal things anyway, those are some serious red flags. If you are wanting to keep it quiet (I understand that), remember that her telling anyone could make it so that your wishes there are completely shattered. I agree that a friend who would walk away/get mad over your not sharing this in a timely way or sharing it at all is probably not a true friend.
If she is not completely trustworthy, you have every right to keep it from her. End of story. If she gets mad, so be it. You are not required to share every single thing about yourself with every friend, no matter how close they consider themselves. If she is a true friend she should be able to accept that. If not, well...that says something about her.
Bethany
he best way to keep a secret is not to tell it.
So,don't tell. I agree with many above. Only my husband knows about me. I wouldn't mind telling my sister or my mom or even my friends - its just something I want to keep to myself. I don't want it to get out in general, so I just don't tell anyone b/c that way I know my secret is safe.
Well I think that if she is truly your best friend, according to her that is, then she will understand that this was not something you felt comfortable sharing. She can choose to accept it or not. How she responds to you isn't your problem, it's hers. She can choose to put your feelings before hers (something that best friends should try to do) and understand and be supportive or she can choose to be hurt!
Right now, you need to do what is best for you!! :)
Oh and my response above is a logical one, my emotional response - I know what you mean. It's hard to disappoint people. Try not to lose any sleep over it and hold on to the fact that you aren't being malicious and trying to hurt her, you're trying to protect yourself and that's OK! Good luck!
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