Thursday, August 13, 2009

Feelings and Other Men

Okay men, you have been forewarned by the title of this post. It indeed is regarding feelings- feelings of a female. So, you better scream and run now! On second thought, maybe you should stick around, you might be able to provide me with some wonderful advice.

I have been having a few emotions running around my head lately, and figured this would be the place to work some of them out.

I asked my husband lately how he would feel if I lost 100 pounds, I asked only after he asked me the same question. His reply was purely sexual. So....... Is that really what it is all about? Is that why we aren't as intimate as I would like to be? It saddens me that I turn him off that badly. As if I am not disgusted with myself enough as it is.

It is really hard to communicate with my husband, it's a bit like talking to a tree honestly. For instance:

When I say, "Honey, can we talk about a few things?"
He hears, "Come here. Sit down. And shut up. I am going to fuss at you for the next hour about how miserable you make my life and how inadequate you are as a human being".

Seriously! This is how he acts. I am a person that thrives off of communication and verbal approval, he is not. His love language is acts of service- which I try my best with. He doesn't care if I say "I love you" everyday or tell him how handsome he is, or what a great job he is doing- but I do. I need to hear those things. I have shared this with him so many times, that I feel as though I will never get through to him. I have tried writing letters, sending emails (same thing), joking around, counseling....etc.

The part that bothers me are the dreams that I have been having. I am so starved for personal love and affirmation from my husband that I dream about other men. Now, don't get all excited- there is NOTHING sexual about the dreams, at all. I don't know these "men"- they are just men. But in my dreams they portray such a sense of longing to be with me, of loving me and making me feel so valued and precious. It's kind of hard to explain. I wish I didn't have to rely on these dreams to fulfill me emotionally. Has anyone else ever experienced this?

I just don't know what to do. It has been so long since there has been any kind of healthy jealousy in our relationship, that I wonder how he will handle me being losing 100 pounds and not being such a turn-off. Okay, so basically I want there to be something more than purely sexual- I sound like every woman out there, I know. I would love for our relationship to be based on so much more. If I become thin (thinner), will he be staying with me just because I am once again attractive? or because he loves me to pieces and can't imagine life without me no matter how much I weighed?


Manuela said...

It was so great to see your comment!

Wow, that is some message and it's something so many women complain about and most of the time I feel sorry for men because they just don't get it!!!!

I think when you're in a relationship you have to accept the other's good traits and bad ones. Of course I think that when you're in love with something you don't care what they look like but do care if they are healthy--physically and emotionally.

(BTW, didn't know you were having surgery. I wish you ALL the best and will be back to check in on you!)

Manuela said...

Oops, just reread the message and it should say "in love with someONE not someTHING!

momma2fi said...

It was a bit heart wrenching reading your post - I feel so bad for you! I think that there are so many men that are not in tune with what women need, and/ or are not demonstrative in affection. For me, I would need to know for sure that my husband loved me, and that I loved him. If you are sure, then can you be open with him and tell him that though it is not his personality, you NEED him to tell you that he loves you everyday. You NEED him to give you verbal and physical love (even like simply touching the small of your back as he passes you in the kitchen). And tell him other things that you need him to do. Ultimately, he should get the feeling that you NEED HIM - which is what alot of men need to know/hear. This can certainly be a turn on to them (wink!). Sorry to give my 2 cents, but I just felt so bad for you - don't give up, and keep your chin up. You will have a better day tomorrow!

Brooke said...

That is a touch one!

My husband likes to perform acts of service, too. He says I love you, but I would like a comment on my appearance every once in a while that isn't a thinly veiled invitation for sex.

I think that expecting to get all of what we need from one person doesn't work- even the person that is supposed to be closest to you.

But you should still feel loved and accepted and precious to that person.

It sounds like you've tried the usual routes- have you ever written down your feelings to him, my husband responds well to letters?

carla said...

I love what brooke said and was going to add the same.
kind of.

for me it wasnt as much about GIVING the letters (I ended up not) but my crafting them I CRYSTALLIZED my own feelings and we finally had a true comversation.
( yes Im trying to be a bit vague in the public forum :) but you get what I mean)

the act of writing REALLY helped me to realize the depth of my emotions so I could convey them far better.

Lynn said...

My husband and I had this issue as well... I think it's just built into a lot of men to be incommunicado.



I sat down a few times with my husband and pushed him into talking to me; what he said was this: "I love you so much it's like breathing. I can't live without it. However, like breathing, I just don't THINK about it much. I don't have to. It's automatic. I just DO."

I think, in the end, you just have to accept that what he thinks of love and what you think is love may very well be two different things. If service is what he can give you, accept that.

You cannot change how someone else acts or reacts. All you can do is change how YOU react to it. (as a side note, I think sometimes our men do this to us on purpose... how many times do you tell your guy you love him/he's gorgeous, etc because YOU need the gold stars that you're not getting? By refusing to respond to you, by keeping it to himself, he's practically guaranteeing that you'll CONTINUE to try to get his attention and verbal approval. But then, I can be a cynic sometimes.)

Getting back to the main point: You have to change how YOU react, because it's obvious at this point that he's NOT going to change... certainly not at your urgings (people in the end change only for themselves). When he does something for you (like take out the trash) say "thanks, I love you, too." Get dressed up nicely, look in the mirror, glance at him, then say "Thanks, I like this dress, too." Act like he said the things you want him to say.

Liz - Lizzle - Libby Lou said...

I did go thruogh this, w/ my ex. I didn't work out. If you are a communicator and you're w/ someone who is not a communicator, how can it ever work out?? I did eventually "dream" about other men and I refused to be a cheater. "Dreaming" about other men is telling you that your subconscious MIND is wanting something else, something more. It can be emotionally detached and just tell you what you want. If this isnt' a relationship you feel like leaving, I'd suggest counseling b/c some couples can't handle one person losing weight...and it seems like you guys are already on unstable ground. It's major if you ask me. Something different needs to be done.

and ps. I'm a firm believer in astrology. Just for fun you should look up both of your signs and find out their compatibility. Some signs will come up with "these two will never work" kind of thing. Interesting to see. Oh and some men are great communicators, a libra, aquarius or gemini are GREAT communicators.