Tuesday, December 23, 2008
There are two of me right now. One wants so badly to "clean up my act" while the other wants to stay angry and bitter. My clean self keeps hoping to find a source of inspiration, while my bitter self continually finds excuses to stay that way.
My family and I have all been suffering from an illness that has really thrown us for a loop. I have found myself eating even when I feel sick to my stomach. It's just plain weirdness. I am using food to feel better, and I know that. I just wish that my sick little brain would realize that eating while nauseous is never a good idea. My sick kiddos are on my last nerve, and Mommy needs a break!
I have managed to pack on 10 pounds over the last month or so. I keep telling myself at least I haven't gained it "all" back, but a 10 pound gain has left me feeling like one blubbery blob. I was feeling so good for a while. I want that feeling back.
My life has been thrown in a few different directions lately, but I hope to have the time to sit down and visit with all of you once again. I don't mean to be a downer, so please forgive me! I am looking foward to spending Christmas day with my extended family, and I hope that you all have a wonderful Holiday as well!!! Merry Christmas everybody.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
I desperately want to return to blogging on a regular basis and give this journey my all! Please bear with me. I am currently struggling.
Monday, November 17, 2008
I was enjoying a nice rest today (thank you boys!) while my kiddos were sleeping and my wheels started turning and I began to pray. While I was talking to God, I realized that my prayers have a common denominator..."ME". Suddenly, it hit. My newest revelation.
Please don't get upset at me for JUST now realizing this. I have thought about this before, but never in this magnitude. So here it is- I am in control. Me. Just me. Me and me only.
My parents didn't make me fat. My friends didn't make me fat. My husband doesn't keep me fat. My children don't make me fat. I am in charge of, well, EVERYTHING! I cannot blame anyone else for where I am except for myself. I got myself into this mess and I have to get myself out.
It has always been so easy to blame my anger or depression about an injustice for my weight problems. So many times I have told my dear friend Kate, "If only I knew why I did this". This statement always bore a certain responsibility for my situation, but what I was really asking was, "What happened to me in the past that made me fat?". Was it my father's constant criticism? Was it my mother's lack of attention to me? Was it this? Was it that? WHO CARES!!!
I need to get over it. The past is the past. Only I can control the future. The rest of it doesn't matter. I can be anything I want to be. I can stay fat. I can do that, if I want. I can get fit and healthy. I can become an avid camper, skier, biker, hiker. I can be a happy, energetic mommy for my boys. I can be a happy, loving wife. I choose my destiny. I am my own worst enemy.
Why have I chosen to be fat, sad, depressed, angry, hostile...who knows. But I want to be something else, and I am the only one who can change me. It is time to stop blaming and to start becoming the person I want, and have always wanted, to be!
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I just don't get it. I was doing so great a few months ago, and now I seem to have just lost all of my discipline. Somehow I am right back to the "I just don't care" attitude. How does this happen?
Just a few months ago, I was exercising regularly, able to make wise choices when it comes to food, and I was losing and feeling great! Now, I am eating endlessly and I can't seem to stop....again. What is it about this self-defeatist attitude I have? It seems like whenever I am doing great and finally starting to feel good about myself again, I start to destroy it. Do any of yo
I was getting compliments left and right from the people who really matter in my life and my clothes were starting to fall off. I was on track to achieving all of my goals and now I am just wallowing in self despair once again.
Do you have any advice for me? I really want to know if this happens to you, and why you think we do this to ourselves. I know I am worth it, but the evil one sitting on my left shoulder tells me otherwise I guess. I wish I could just flip the switch, but it is too dark in here and I can't find it.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
I am not sure if you saw the new Bed, Bath & Beyond flier yet, but it displays quite perfectly what lays ahead. There are four pictures. In the upper left corner, a picture of beautifully prepared food with a "Yummy" printed, in the picture below that...more food and another "Yummy". The picture in the top right corner? More treats, and more "Yummy". The last picture, the picture in the bottom right corner, is a picture of a woman standing on a scale that quite simply says "Uh-Oh".
It's that time of year again folks and there is no better time than now to put all of our hard work and resolve to the test. I am trying to gear up. In order to ensure that no Halloween candy is left over, we are giving out play-doh and toys (This also works well to rest well at night knowing that we will not be contributing to someone else's health and obesity problems later in life.) Also, for Thanksgiving, we usually treat ourselves to a rather pricey buffet meal at an outrageously delicious( and quite expensive) restaurant. The buffet works well for us because we feel that we get to eat all that we can in one sitting and we have no leftovers at home to haunt us for the days following.
I don't know about you, but I am quite positive that a fair portion of my left thigh can be directly contributed to my ten servings of left over dressing every year while growing up. By eating at the restaurant, we get to sample all the yummy food without having to bare the guilt of finishing all the leftovers.
Do you have any helpful hints to help us all make it through these food centered months ahead? I know I would love to hear them. I need all the help I can get ladies (and gents :))!
Monday, October 27, 2008
I am looking forward to taking my time tomorrow to visit all of you. I hope you are all doing great!
I ate like a horse while I was at my parents' house and my Aunt Flo came for a visit! So needless to say, I am not looking forward to my weigh-in tomorrow morning.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
- I now run around with my son at the playground- WITHOUT worrying about what the other parents are thinking. This is huge for me. Up until recently skipping around with him was more like dragging concrete blocks around strapped to my feet.
- My clothes are getting baggier and a bit too large to be wearing.
- My husband told me the other day that my legs are "little". I am sure he meant to say "smaller". ;)
- And, last but certainly not least, my two year old son is starting to refuse offerings of sugar. Isn't that amazing? I have been trying to teach him about the negative effects that sugar has on our bodies, both short and long term, and it seems to be working! Last night he had a chance to vend for a gumball and he said, "No, I don't want it. I don't need a treat, I've had enough and it's not good for my body." He then turned to me and gave my quarter back. Yay! (There is a catch to this lesson however, he is also abusing the recent health teachings to say such things as, "No thank you Mommy, salad is bad for my body". O'well. A work in progress...)
Friday, October 10, 2008
I remember like it was yesterday seeing the official diagnoses of "Obese" on my doctor's routing slip back when I was still in high school. I cried so hard in my car, the whole way home. I vowed to lose weight, but never did. I only moved from obese, to severely obese, and then right on up to morbid obesity.
Since starting my journey a little over four months ago, I have moved out of the morbid range, into the severe range, and now into just obese. It's amazing to see how these subtle weight changes actually effect your health and overall BMI. I am struggling to keep my head in the game right now, but seeing the rest of you succeeding and reading your stories is keeping me going. Thank you.
I saw a segment on The Sunday Morning Show the other morning of some great footage of the current peak season up in Vermont. It depicted some of the most beautiful images of vibrantly colored leaves, and gorgeous sounds of babbling brooks and raging rivers. It brought me back to my days of camping and hiking, and I am holding onto this feeling for dear life. My plan is to schedule a Vermont getaway with my husband for this time next year. I want to be able to hike, canoe and enjoy the outdoors while soaking in the crisp fall air, all while enjoying being significantly healthier and smaller. I plan to look forward to the plane ride up there, for the first time in my life without fear of not fitting into the seat comfortably.
If I make the reservations, there is no going back; some serious extra motivation.
I always stop and look at all of the tents and camping gear while shopping in Target. I am dreaming of the day that I can live an active life again, without embarrassment. My husband deserves it, my boys deserve it, and by-golly so do I.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
My two children and I have spent the past three days stricken with a nasty stomach bug- at both ends (TMI, I am sure). So, needless to say, things have been pretty interesting around here. My two year old started it off, and my poor 10 month old is still getting sick. I feel so sorry for the little guy, he doesn't understand! At least he has breast milk to help him recover quickly. I have always wondered how a mother takes care of herself and her children (bathing, changing clothes, diapers, changing bedding, doing laundry, mopping up the floor and scrubbing the carpet...) while they are all throwing up, but now I know all too well. I hope we don't have to do this again...EVER!
Last Monday, I made a decision to STOP all of my madness, and break my cycle. I promised I wouldn't "get sick" anymore. THEN I woke up sick (beyond my choice). How ironic. Over the past few days, I have lost a total of 10 pounds. I am sure a good 5 pounds of that is dehydration.
So, I hope to take my new weight loss kick-off and run with it. A fresh new start. The only good thing that can come out of a situation like this.
Thanks again you guys for actually caring about me.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
In addition to my undying desire to lead a healthier (and much thinner) life, I am dealing with a few other thought occupying matters.
First of all, money. Please know I realize we all have money woes. However, I make our situation worse by dealing with it by indulging in retail therapy and buying junk food. Enter more stress.
We are in the process of moving my husband's office to a new location to be more convenient for his patients. This move has occupied my husband's time day and night, so I am receiving very little help at home with the kids. We have had to rack up our credit cards even more by installing walls, doors, carpet/baseboards/tile and painting to get the new space move-in ready. My husband has been one huge ball of stress himself, and at this point we are just pinging off each others' emotions.
In addition to everything else, my son has started pulling his hair out. This has happened before, and we had to shave all of his hair off. I was told by his pediatrician, and by a child psychologist, that he may require cognitive therapy and behavioral rehabilitation. I am NOT dealing well with this development. At all. I can't help but feel that there is something I could have done to prevent this. I was told that this is his response to stressful situations. Aren't we just a pretty family? I'm fat and my son is bald.
So, that is a sampling of what is occurring in my life right now. I have had little time to devote to my weight loss efforts. I am so exhausted at the end of the day, that exercise seems impossible. I have been tied up in a cycle of breaking down and binging, feeling guilty about it, starving myself the rest of the day and promising myself I will do better tomorrow, only to wake up and start the cycle all over again. I am going to look into some bulimia support groups in my area. Hopefully there is something that is low cost or free. I wish I understood myself better so that I could learn to handle my emotions in a better way.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
I really can't figure out why stress makes me overeat. I mean, my stomach hasn't grown along with my stress levels, so where is it all going? A few weeks ago before all of my anxiety occurred, I was content and always felt full with a "normal" serving. Now, it seems as though I am always hungry and I can't ever seem to fill the hole.
According to what I have experienced and read on other blogs, it appears that this is a common trend amongst most of us.
If anyone would like to shed some light on this mystery, I would greatly appreciate any insight. It has always made me scratch my head. I would love to hear your opinions.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
My choices were either pizza (too messy for a two year old), Burger King, Subway (again, too messy), chinese or Chick'fil A. I opted for Chick'fil A because it was quick, easy and I knew my son would eat it. So began my second round of fastfood for the day. Halfway through my lunch, a conversation ensued between my WW doing friend and me. Now, keep in mind this is the SAME friend who has in the past invited me for all sorts of ice cream and fastfood runs when she needed a friend to accompany her. Why not call your fat friend? Right? And she always tries to get me to eat fastfood while we are meeting up for playdates. So, anyways...this is what was said:
FDWW (Friend doing Weight Watchers): That's a lot of points.
Me (not smiling with an eyebrow raised): Yup, I am sure.
FDWW: Your fries are like 12 points alone.
Me: Okay, thank you. I don't really care today. Today is just that kind of day for me.
FDWW: That Dr. Pepper is 6 points, and...
Me: Please, seriously, just be quiet, I don't care.
FDWW: ...did you get a wheat bun or a regular?
Me (both eyebrows raised): Well, I assume regular because I didn't specify.
FDWW: So, your sandwich is like 13 points. Did you get lowfat mayonnaise?
Me: I don't really care today. I am just in the mood to eat what I want.
FDWW: So, which one?
FDWW: Lowfat or regular?
Me (SIGH): Regular. BUT I DON'T CARE. SO PLEASE BE QUIET!!! I REALLY DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!
FDWW(with a smirk): So that is like 35 points for ONE meal. That is a WHOLE days worth for you.
Me: Thank you very much. I guess that's bad, huh?
Was it possible she was just trying to be helpful? I doubt it. She hasn't proven to be a friend who really watches out for me and my weight, so the conversation just really annoyed the heck out of me.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
My husband is in the process of opening a new office, and the work involved is never ending. I haven't been getting much support from him lately, and I feel like things are starting to take a toll on us. The kiddos are taxing the mess out of me and my head is spinning in so many directions.
Yesterday was a horrible day. I started off okay, but ended up going on a binge/purge run to Micky D's (only because it was the closest source of grossness), eating all day long, purging after dinner and desert and of course no exercise. I laid in bed last night realizing that I have developed a REAL problem here. My past behaviors have come back to haunt me...full force. It's amazing how many emotions are involved in this kind of behavior. There seems to be such a relief after the fact. All of my feelings, that have been bottled up, come hurling (sorry, no better word) out leaving behind a huge feeling of ease.
I think I may need to address my issue with either counseling or medications, but we don't have the money for counseling, and my son is still nursing which rules out the medication. I realize that I could ween my son, but nursing him longer means the world to me.
I am just spinning out of control. I don't know what to do.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
My efforts to purge from my garage and house were a flop.
My exercising has flopped, big time.
My weight loss efforts are flopping in the wind.
Flop, flop, flop....it's fun to say, but what kind of word is flop anyways?
I just feel floppy.
Okay, one more....here it comes....hold on....flop. That's the last one, I promise!
Friday, September 26, 2008
What a long week this past week has been. I have been so stressed out, it's unbelievable! My Mom decided to come for a visit, which was great, but I am kind of relieved to have her gone. For some reason we did our fair share of arguing while she was here. She really stressed me out. I guess I will always be her "little girl" which grants her the right to nag, pick on and irritate the mess out of me. But, my boys LOVE her to pieces, so I am always sad for them when she has to go.
We are having a neighborhood garage sale tomorrow, and I have had ladies calling me for weeks to come and see what baby stuff I have left. At the rate I am going, I am going to have measly scraps to put out at the sale tomorrow. It sounds good, but I am just trying to clear enough space to get my husband's car back in the garage. We have so much junk it isn't even funny.
I have heard, from several sources, that having a cluttered house actually contributes to weight gain- which I completely agree with. It seems that I get so overwhelmed with the messes I have in our nooks and crannies and all the stuff packed into our closets, that instead of grabbing the bull by it's horns and cleaning, I shut down and pass the stress by eating. It's kind of like leaving your mouth loose and open yields a quicker and easier childbirth- it's all connected. With that I mean the stuff we carry around in our lives seems to weigh us down- possessions and extra weight. When my closets are clean, I feel much lighter. And when I feel lighter I probably burn more calories with the extra bounce in my step and eat less because I feel better. Does that make sense?
I am hoping to greatly reduce the clutter in my house over the next few weeks. It just seems like I am always bringing more "stuff" into the house, ie. diapers, fall/winter clothes for the boys, groceries...etc, then I can ever purge. I just want a HUGE pick-up truck to show up in my driveway and haul it all away. It would be so liberating not to have all this clutter.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
...that's always a good feeling. I was so relieved last night to find out that my Aunt Flo had come for a visit. I haven't seen her in almost 19 months...crazy. As disappointing as her appearance was, it was such a great feeling to realize that my past few days worth of psycho symptoms are being laid to rest. My brownie making, french fry craving, crying for no reason, water retention...all there for a reason. PHEW!
AND, the best part of the story was my weight this morning. Aunt Flo came bearing a gift...the gift of weight loss. I FINALLY got to see the 250s this morning, 258.4 to be exact. I am so happy, but still moody so don't mess with me!!! ;)
Monday, September 15, 2008
Exercise? Addicting? Yup, the Wii Fit does a great job of making you want more...More...MORE!!! After engaging in an absurdly large amount of sugar yesterday (I made the brownies :( and my husband bought donuts from Dunkin...which I didn't eat), my husband and I decided it was time to set up the Fit. Up until then, we hadn't quite decided if we were going to keep it. However, with the kiddos in bed and it being way too hot to exercise outside, we booted up the Wii.
Within minutes we were fighting over the possession of the remote. It was actually really neat! We had to create Miis, characters that look like you to play the Wii, which was loads of fun. The Fit did some really neat calculations and provides tips, motivation, goal setting, BMI, weight, progress reports, charts and graphs!
Once we started attempting some of the exercises, we found ourselves just plain wanting more. They make it addicting by allowing room for continual improvement, and when you are competing with your spouse, you can't go to bed until the last man standing wins! Which was of course my husband :). I found the hola-hoop exercise to be quite demanding, after three turns I was winded and my abs are sore this morning! My husband attempted a four minute, run-in-place exercise and repeated continually, "I'm going to die, I'm going to die, I'm going to die....". It was hilarious! He actually had a hard time getting through it.
Goals for today: stay away from sugar and fast food, and beat my husband at slalom skiing!!!
Saturday, September 13, 2008
I have been having a hard time with my food and exercise. Due to my lack of scale rewards, my NSVs seem to be pushed onto the back burner at the moment. I haven't exercised for the past four days, and I have been feeling FAT, LAZY, and TIRED. I don't know if I am about to get my monthly (I haven't had one since my son was born 9 months ago...so I just don't know) or if some personal and business stresses have contributed to my blatant lack of motivation.
There is a box of brownies in the pantry downstairs just calling my name. The ONLY reason I am NOT making them is because I don't think my husband would remain silent about such a splurge, and I just don't feel like listening to a speech tonight. I am just craving BAD, BAD, BAD food lately. I don't know why. Ugh. I hope for my sanity I can get a grip. And soon.
Monday, September 8, 2008
I have been doing really well with food lately. My life has been very hectic and I have been extremely busy, too busy to eat! I have been sure to get in all three meals with a bite or two of a snack in between, and I have been downing quite a bit of unsweetened green tea. I have also been able to squeeze in some nightly exercise and I have been achieving my goal of no eating after dinner. It's been kind of nice to be too busy to worry so much about food.
So here's the killer....
I stepped on the scale yesterday, after 3 days of wonderful, on-track eating and the scale showed a whopping 264. WHAT? I was just 260 3 days ago. THEN...when I stepped on the scale this morning, again after another day of good eating, it showed 265.4. Are you kidding me? I am gaining? Now, I really, Really, REALLY don't think I have gained 5 pounds of muscle. So, seriously, what in the heck is going on here? I am completely bewildered.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
So, on to the funny stuff. Well, not funny ha ha, but funny how ironic. I came up to my computer after my stretching and cool down only to find my husband finishing off his Mickey D's ice cream. He shook his head and muttered, "You're going to be skinnier then me if you keep this up." Yes please. :)
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
So, how many of you either own a Wii and Wii Fit, or have heard about it? I know that the internet says they are the latest craze, but are they really worth it? It being $400+ for everything you would need?
I was able to get my hands on a Wii today, and I have a Wii Fit set up with someone from Craigslist. My husband thinks I am planning to either return the system or sell it to someone else who has been looking for one.
I need to know if it is worth a $400 fight? Money is by no means knocking on our door these days, but I would really like to have one. I think. I am afraid if we wait until we can afford one, we won't be able to find one again. Christmas is rapidly approaching, and I am sure that the Wii will be impossible to find. Because of our financial situation, I really feel like I am asking ALOT from my husband. So, is it worth it!? Any helpful information would be greatly appreciated!!!!!!!
It was interesting to see my highs and lows today while I was on the Wii mission. When I heard that my local Wal*Mart had one in stock, I got the kids into the car and sped off all the while feeling a wonderful sensation of excitement and anticipation. Would it still be there when I got there? The hunt was on. I literally ran with two kids in tow to the electronics department.
Well, it was there. I bought it. I headed home.
I felt a huge sense of dissapointment while driving back to my house. The hunt was over.
Then my husband said maybe we could keep it! I felt all smiley and excited all over again. I even danced around the house a bit.
But, I already feel all dissapointed again. Buyers remorse I guess.
My point here? My point is that this has always been my food cycle. When I am on my way to buy food, I am so super excited about my upcoming celebration with all sorts of delicious goodies. Then, after I have eaten them, I feel all depressed.
Why do I feel a need to put myself through such torment? What on earth do I get out of throwing myself into such horrible uncomfortable situations? I am working on this question. If it isn't food, it's something else. Anything for that quick, very short-lived high.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Last Friday night, around 9:30pm, my husband could no longer repress his craving for McDonalds. Being the good "little" wife that I am, I grabbed the car keys and proceeded to take his order. I quickly realized that I was more than happy to go for him and even felt some excitement.
After I analyzed my emotions, it was clear to me that the "old me" was so happy to have an "excuse" to binge on McDonalds late at night. The "new me" chimed in with an overwhelming feeling of guilt for wanting to poison my husband with the toxic spill they call food. I decided rather hastily that I would not be getting any food, but I still felt that I needed to keep my husband happy and I jumped in the car.
Not once on the way did I waiver on my decision not to order any food. I decided that I would order a large un-sweetened icedtea and enjoy that on the way home instead of being tempted to pick at my hubby's fries.
I arrived, ordered the "food" and started driving away. I put a straw into my icedtea and took a big'ole gulp. PLUCK! It was super, d-duper sweet! Of course. Down here in the south, the sweet tea is more like a cup full of corn syrup with tea flavoring. So, I had to go back! For a split second, I was scared I would decide to order food, but I stayed strong.
I was also able to ward of the late night temptations again, when my husband decided he wanted Arby's for dinner, on the way home from visiting with family last night. This is really big for me you guys. One of my favorite things in the past was to talk about cravings late at night with my husband and then have one of us jump in the car to go fetch a large amount of food.
I am feeling so good about how much easier it is getting to avoid bad foods. I feel like I have come too far on this journey to turn back, and that my body is becoming so much healthier. My brain is receiving better nutrition and therefore making MUCH better judgment calls. The more I am away from all the fast food junk, the less I even want it. Not only have there been many times when I had the excuse to eat junk food, but I actually have an adverse reaction to it now. Yuck, no thank you!
Friday, August 29, 2008
I am going to wear a perma-smile ALL DAY. :)
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go download a new HYC button. YAY!
Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. I am severely obese today. No longer morbidly obese. That sounds so much better!
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
But, let me tell you. This thought of mine was very short lived. My thinking was quickly diverted into remembering how things were for me "before". I remembered how when I was eating and living unhealthy, I was still obsessing. I obsessed about what I was going to eat next, how much of it I could eat, and who would know. I obsessed about how fat and miserable I was and how I was such a failure. I obsessed about how my husband must be grossed out by me. I obsessed about how I was going to die early and miss out on my grandchildren and how angry my children would be at me for not taking better care of myself. I obsessed about never being able to go to the pool, skiing, horseback riding, amusement parks, to try on clothes or be seen in public PERIOD without feeling terribly uncomfortable in my own skin. I worried about what chair I could fit into, and how I hoped I wouldn't break it. You name it, I obsessed about it.
It is so clear, even when I am tempted to fall back into my old behaviors, that my obsessions are healthy obsessions now. I would much rather worry about what I am going to eat and making sure it is low in calories and healthy than having to worry about all the things I used to worry about. I would much rather obsess about something that will yield a healthy result, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
My husband and I couldn't decide where to put "our" (MY!) new scale, so I decided to store it in our closet to keep it away from moisture and our little ones. While I was placing it down on the floor, I decided to give it a whirl. And guess what?! I weighed only 165 lbs! Amazing, I know. So, from now on, I told my husband, I will be weighing myself in our closet. I like those numbers much, Much, MUCH better.
When we first got the scale, my husband told me that it doesn't work. He said that the reason I like it is because it registers 8 lbs less. Oh, not true my love. I wish though. So interestingly enough our new scale is wrong for him, but our old scale is wrong for me. Weird.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
I feel as though I have cinder blocks strapped to my feet holding me back whenever a small part of me wants so badly to move ahead quickly. I just put my baby to bed, and while I was nursing him I was struck with a wave of fear about how much further I have to go. I have at least 65 pounds to lose before I even get to declare residency in Onederland. I am trying so hard to focus on how far I have come, but I am so impatient by nature. I am severely Type "A". I feel so flustered when there is nothing at all to be feeling flustered about. So, my point here is having a "task" that I cannot complete NOW or in a timely manner really seems to stress me out. I want very much to enjoy this journey and smell the roses along the way. I just don't know how to change who I am by nature to make that possible. I know, and keep telling myself, that "slow and steady wins the race". I just need to start trusting that.
Friday, August 15, 2008
After my 1,200 calorie binge yesterday I realized that I felt no sense of "relief". I didn't feel all warm, fuzzy and numb. It seemed as though my "good friend" had failed me. Every bite was disgusting and I told myself the whole time how this just wasn't doing it for me anymore. This is huge for me because once I had eaten all that sugary poison, I couldn't help but feel an ingraining into my brain that binging is NOT worth it anymore.
It appears as though I have made concrete strides towards my effort to change myself permanently this time. My old self is tempted to over indulge, but my healthier, weight losing self seems to really understand this time that food is not the answer. This is HUGE for me folks. I just hope that this sunny thought will shed light on any future clouds of bad judgment.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
For some reason I chose to consume 1,200 calories worth of 100 calorie swiss chocolate rolls. Smart! I am so darn proud of myself!!! (Again, more facetiousness)
I didn't get to eat dinner, and I just went for a walk. Tomorrow is a new day and besides, all the swiss rolls have all been eaten, so I don't have to worry about them anymore. I took care of that little problem.
Don't worry or lecture please, I don't plan on having swiss rolls in the house anymore. I am such a dork!
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Do any of you fear this? I am reminded by my dear friend, Kate, that fear is not from God, so I need to send it right back to the A-hole who sent it to me, thank you very much. I compare it to working your butt off at work for several years only to be told by your superior that you may or may not be receiving that raise you were promised for all your hard work. With no guarantees, I am feeling heebie-jeebed out big time.
After I tossed around these depressing thoughts for a while, I was pleasantly distracted by some thoughts of my recent NSVs. The other day my friend came for a visit, and within 10-15 minutes or so, I noticed she looked me up and down. Fearing that she was just judging me like the rest, I cringed thinking about her looking at me. But, instead I received a nice NSV, Wow, Lynn you are looking really, really good. You've lost weight, a lot of weight, haven't you?". I couldn't help but wear a perma-smile for a few seconds, I felt silly because I couldn't wipe the grin off my face.
Later that same day, my mom arrived for her visit. My mother, who always means well, is the first to tell me how heavy I am and how I need to start taking care of myself. I was nervously anticipating her noticing my weight loss when again, within 10-15 minutes of her arrival, I heard it, "Lynn, you look wonderful Honey, have you lost weight? It is so nice to see you finally start taking care of yourself". BUT, like most moms, she couldn't and wouldn't stop there. She continued to say, "I told you that you needed to start taking care of yourself...didn't I tell you? See...see...". Um, see what? That you are taking credit for the last three months of me working my a** off??? It made me chuckle on the inside to hear her take credit for my hard work and devotion. If she only knew. She is half my size, and the mother of four by the way. She works hard for her figure though. She walks about 5 miles or so a day and always has for as long as I can remember. I have NEVER seen her eat a candy bar or eat any other junk food. She is the kind of woman who orders her dressing on the side and gingerly dips a fork-full of lettuce into a drop of dressing. I guess I never really took notes from her while I was growing up. I much preferred to eat like my Dad I guess! :)
My bonus NSV of the century however, came from my dear husband. My husband is the kind of man who cannot show his emotions and he has a horrible time expressing any kind of affection. So, the things that come out of his mouth always mean the most. He was waiting for me in the car of the Wal*Mart parking lot the other day while I ran in for something. Once I returned, he turned to me and said, "Hey Baby, want'a wrestle?". So romantic, I know. However, the great part about that was I haven't heard that question since we were both in college 8 years ago! I can only assume he saw something in me that he liked as I was walking across the parking lot. Woo-hoo!!!
These NSVs and all of you and your encouragement are exactly what I need to keep on trucking along this sometimes treacherous journey. Thank you all so much for your continuing support!
Speaking of poopie, while working on potty training my son, he accidentally smeared a little goodness onto our bed, so when I was desperate to go to bed at 8:00 last night, I couldn't because the bedding was still in the dryer. I finally made it to bed at 11:30 last night because my baby is cutting teeth and he refused to nurse. So needless to say, after an hour or so of trying to pump (which didn't work, I had to thaw so frozen milk), the baby finally drank a bottle and went off to sleep. Wow, that was a serious mental sidetrack, sorry about that.
Because I have been feeling all swirly, my food has been lack luster. I am hoping that I will be able to establish a firm grasp on my food today. Besides, I will be so busy today trying to find some milk for my son, that I shouldn't even have time to worry about feeding myself. Which leads me to my question... if my breasts won't let down to the pump, and my baby won't eat, how in the heck do I get out of this pickle?
Again, I am sorry to bring that back up, but that is what I am facing right now. Uh, it's going to be a long day.
I hope you are all doing well.
Oh, and on another side note, my cousin got attacked by a shark a few days ago while swimming off the coast of Florida. His legs are a mess. He was only chest deep. I will NEVER swim in the ocean again.
UPDATE: My baby has Roseola...that would help explain the stress in our household these past few days.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
My food has been fine since my Mom arrived and we have even been exercising. So, I hope that I will continue to do well once she leaves. For some reason, I have noticed in the past that when visiting family leaves, I start to get the munchies, probably due to feeling blue I would guess. I am very close to my Mom, and I hate to see her go today. She is extremely helpful around the house. She does my laundry (folds and puts away!), goes grocery shopping, and loves to take over the care of my little ones. She rocks! I have been pleading with her all morning not to leave, but the time has come. :(
One new NSV for me...I was able to wear a pair of capris, yesterday, that I haven't been able to wear. I bought them too small a few years ago hoping for some motivation. They could be a little more comfortable, but hey, I didn't have to suck in or lay down to get them buttoned! That works.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
I want that 25 lbs. lost button...tomorrow...darn it!
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
While I was riding my bike this evening, something happened that made me think about my success in my journey. I really think a mind shift needs to occur in me before I can fully commit 100% to finally taking care of myself.
I have always been a people pleaser. It is my nature to nurture and to ensure that everyone is happy. Even while attending someone else's get together, I will take on the roll of a hostess and make sure everyone has what they need. It's annoying. I guess I have just always wanted everyone to like me, so I try hard, too hard.
Tonight while riding my bike, I happened to pass a man walking his dog a few times and I smiled as I rode by. Upon passing him for the last time, his dog decided to lunge at me and almost knock my off my bike. I was riding downhill and going pretty quickly, and I freaked out! In the blink of an eye, and without thinking, I hollered out, "Whoa, sorry!". Sorry? What in the heck was I sorry for? The man didn't apologize for his dog, but darn it, how dare I ride my bike on the road.
During my husband's externship, we lived with his aunt and uncle. Several times during our stay, I was told by them if I were to apologize one more time, they were kicking me out. It really got on their nerves, but I couldn't help it! Apparently I am just sorry for my existence, and I need to change that. I always feel like I am in someone else's way, that I don't deserve to take up any space or dominate a conversation.
I talk fast, really fast, and most people can't understand me. I don't think it has anything to do with my birthplace being NY state, but I don't feel like I am important enough for people to have to stop and listen to me, so I blurt it out quickly as to save their time.
I really want and need to change my mentality surrounding my existence. I would love to finally feel important enough to talk to someone for more than 2 minutes at church, maybe they would actually get to know me and vice versa. I want to stop saying "yes" when I really want, and need, to say "no!".
My MIL often requests that I pick up groceries for her while I am out and about. Normally I wouldn't think twice about a helpful request, however, she visits at least 3-4 stores daily. She goes to every drug and grocery store within a few miles to use various coupons and stock up on sale items. I have two young children in tow, 8 months and 2 years. I am the last person she needs to be asking to pick up her stuff. She can get her own stuff. If anything, she should be calling me up and asking if she can grab something for me while she's out. But, what do I do? I call her while I am out to get her list, and I even deliver it to her house. And get this, if she doesn't like something or it is the wrong thing...I return it for her. Can I get anymore masochistic?
I need to start learning that I am important, and important enough that I need to start taking care of myself as well and as much as I care for others. My husband would tell me I need to grow some balls. I'm working on it...uh- hum, well not the balls part.
Monday, August 4, 2008
(Basically, our hair stylist does all of our hair, and in return my husband provides free care at his office and I can't figure out if it is appropriate to tip or not.)
Sunday, August 3, 2008
- Why is it that clothing designers think that:
- we want to wear clothes that look like our grandmother's tapestries?
- we don't already demand enough attention while overweight, so they design clothes with animal prints? Not to mention, bright pinks and faux fur.
- it will boost our self-esteems, therefore boosting their sales, by making their sizes too small forcing us up one size? Does this make any sense? I don't know about you, but I sure am not going to buy more if I am feeling like an elephant.
- horizontal stripes are thinning. No, no people, it's VERTICAL stripes. Geesh. I don't think I have ever seen a plus-size shirt with vertical stripes. Someone needs to tell them.
- overweight people don't want to wear what is in style. Why can't they make the same clothes that are the latest and hottest trends but just a little larger for us?
- It appears as though my mother-in-law only contributed to my new scale because she herself wants to use it. Sure, you give me $30, and I'll pay the rest so you can use it every time you come over, I get it. There is always a motive. The "generous" thought was nice while it lasted, I was actually flattered for a wee bit of time there. Silly me.
- I am very excited about getting my scale. I stepped on one similar to mine at BB&B the other day, and it registered a nice low number of 255. It was wrong, but it still made me feel good! :)
- Eating apples with peanut butter before going to bed will ensure that no weight loss will be displayed on the scale the following morning. I promise. It works EVERY time.
- Why do people have to say, "You have such a pretty face". Why can't they just say, "You look pretty tonight"?
- Why does it bother me so much when my MIL has to touch me where she is telling me I have lost weight. *CRINGE* Hands off lady!
- My parents are finally coming for a visit this week. I am super excited! It has been almost three months since we have seen each other. That's a long time for us.
- I want to go downstairs and eat right now, but I am going to go to bed instead. Good night!
- I hope you are all doing well.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Can you see a difference?
288 vs. 266 pounds
2.5 months into my journey
Thursday, July 31, 2008
From the Tanita website:
The results are analyzed along with gender, age, height and weight for the most accurate and comprehensive at-home reading ever available. Measurements include Weight, Body Fat %, Body Water %, Daily Caloric Intake, Metabolic Age, Bone Mass, Muscle Mass, Physique Rating, and Visceral Fat Rating.
I would just love to see that my muscle mass is increasing even though my weight might be going up. I think this will really help with my psyche. I realize I shouldn't put so much weight (no pun intended here folks ;)) on a scale, but I can't help it, I am a scale-a-holic.
I just think that it is the coolest thing ever! I carried on about how much I would love to have it, but with a price tag of $120, it was a firm no-can-do. Sooooo, I came home and started researching the scale and I found it at The Competitive Edge for only $111.99 with free shipping! :)
I bought it.
So my story gets cooler. I was sitting here after I pressed the submit order button and started feeling very guilty for my purchase. What if my husband gets mad at me? Ugh. I hate that instant buyer's remorse syndrome. I quickly called my MIL to tell her about some lightning fire in my neighborhood (super scary), and out of nowhere she told me that they would like to contribute $30 towards the scale. She didn't even know I had just bought it!!! Oh my smiles, they are the most tight, frugal people you will ever meet, so this is a huge compliment. I can't believe it. I am so excited. I will let you all know if it is worth a darn once I am able to start using it. Oh, that UPS man can't come fast enough.
(Oh, poop. I had to use a promotional code to get the special price, so if you are interested, rest assured I will post it as soon as I find it again.) PHEW! I found it... Enter PU906A when checking out.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Switching noodles and moving right along...I have a veggie dilemma. Upon the advice of many of you fellow bloggers, I have decided to not only have fresh veggies in my fridge, but I plan on keeping them cut up and ready to go for quick and easy snacking. So today I purchased broccoli, cauliflower, celery, carrots and some bell peppers and cut them all up. Right before it was time for dinner, the munchies hit. So out came the veggies. I dug in pulling some celery out first, and YUCK! it tasted awful. On to the cauliflower...EWW, that was gross too. What the heck!?
I have always LOVED fresh veggies in all colors, shapes and sizes. I have never had this problem before. All the veggies taste horribly bitter and yucky to me. My husband has always complained about vegetables being bitter and nasty. Has this ever happened to any of you? I don't want to have to dip them into ranch to cover the taste up, that would defeat the purpose. I also have Jane's crazy mixed-up salt, but that's seasoned salt and I don't want to consume all that sodium. Gees Lou Pete. It's always something.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Here's where it might get weird for some of you. But, last Sunday our Pastor talked about the evil realm that exists. We can all accept that God exists, but talking about Satan and demons is too weird for us to accept. But, what is out there that we aren't even aware of? He had a box on stage and asked us to describe it...."rectangle....gray...big...plastic..." came from the crowd. He later opened the lid and revealed that there had been a boy inside the box the whole time. At no time did anyone guess, "contains a human life". Even a beagle could have guessed correctly. There are just some facts that our senses are too weak to pick up on.
So, for a lack of better words, I have been feeling "possessed" lately. I have been feeling grouchy, negative, tired and it has been increasingly difficult for me to smile. I have been wondering if I needed to rid myself of some "demons" that may be affecting me. Last night I went to bed at my wits end...the towel was not wanting to be thrown...but I was feeling like it was time to head on home and admit defeat. Once I fell asleep, I had the weirdest dream. To sum it all up, I was in a small box shaped room and a large demonic woman appeared and she was uglier than sin, let me tell ya'. She was drooling and had horrible fang teeth and treacherous fingernails. She seemed to float around the room as she came at me to attack. I ended up putting her in a headlock and some other weird Matrix like crap happened...and she was dead...either that or my baby woke me up. Anywho- it was almost like I killed the evil that had been harboring inside of me for the past few weeks.
I woke up feeling uniquely positive and for the first time in quite a while, with a smile on my face. AND, here's the big and...I also had a weight loss this morning. THANK YOU LORD. I am hoping that all of this weirdness will add up to equal a fresh start on my path. I feel like I have a renewed resolve and I can't wait to feel the natural high of making healthy choices, declaring control again, and seeing that scale move down, down, down.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
I am starting to feel as though I am running a (what seems never ending) marathon. I close my eyes and think about reaching my weight loss goals...and the finish line seems sooooo far away. I am currently sitting at a virtual rest stop along this journey, my brows are sweaty and my legs are so tired. I can't seem to catch my breath, stand back up and go for it. I see all these "runners" passing me and crossing over the finish line and I want to follow, but I am too exhausted and my body aches. I am holding my cup of water and knowing that I don't want to throw in the towel.
I see the crowd cheering me on at the other end, but their faces are fuzzy and their voices are starting to fade away. The sun is going down, and I am starting to hear the crickets. As tired as I am, I know that I have so much further to go. I want so badly to pick myself up and join the last few runners that are trickling by. I don't want to quit and go home, but I just can't seem to find the strength. My body lays draped over a chair and I feel like my feet and arms have lead in them.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
I have been blogging about my funk lately, and I have definitely learned a lesson during my time off the wagon. While I was feeling depressed, my whole body ached. I was exhausted, and any minor task seemed daunting. My overall feeling about my body took a direct hit as well. I was so much more aware of all the things that are "wrong" with me. Instead of feeling more confident, I was back to criticizing my body.
I felt so blubbery and yucky, I stopped undressing in front of my husband, and I started feeling like I didn't want to leave the house. Besides my sister coming for a visit, there was also one other major difference during the past week...I didn't find time to exercise.
I made sure I got out and rode my bike tonight, and it felt great! I am so happy that I was able to get out there and do it even with the storms coming and going. I already feel like I have a different spring in my step. It is so amazing how powerful the mind really is. I have learned that I MUST take time for myself or everyone, me the most, suffers for it. We don't need Prozac people, we just need the wind in our hair!
Oh, and watch out everybody because I'M BA-ACK. Woo-Hoo!!!
Your body is the baggage you must carry through life. The more excess the baggage, the shorter the trip.
Arnold H. Glasgow
(By far, my favorite. Remember my post My Liver is Shrinking?)
If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution. ~Author Unknown
I keep trying to lose weight... but it keeps finding me!
So, which one speaks loudest to you?
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Also with God's grace, the scale reflected no weight gain during my wallows in the abyss. I ate a healthy breakfast with my husband this morning, and I plan to stay on track for the rest of the day.
Thanks again to all of you for pushing me along. I know that I couldn't be successful if I was alone.
Monday, July 21, 2008
I think my sister's depression rubbed off onto me, either that or I am going to get my period for the first time since my baby was born. Who knows, but I do know that it feels very strange to be in such a murky place. It seems like I have had a few ups and downs since starting my journey, but for some reason I feel like I am at rock bottom right now. Gees, I really hate to be so glum, sorry for such a dreary post.
My food was okay today, it could have been better, but I am hoping to get back on the bandwagon starting tomorrow. I need to read through some of your blogs for some motivation, and also go back and read through my blog to see what has motivated me during these past few months. I need a swift kick in the arse!
My fortune at the Chinese restaurant tonight said: There are ups and downs along life's journey. Fitting.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Last night, I took my sister out to get ice cream, but it turned into my eating mine next to a catatonic body. She is like stone and understandably so, divorce is by far one of the most difficult things that anyone can go through. So, in my efforts to get her out and about, I am sabotaging my food plan. I have been so stressed that my face is breaking out like a teenager's and I have been suffering from a daily tension headache.
"Dennis the Menace" (my sister's son) hasn't started behaving any better. My two year old is now screaming "NO" and "NOW, I want it NOW" at my husband and me. "Dennis" has ripped my curtains from their rings, ruined a few blinds, pulled salt shaker corks out and dumped salt everywhere, ruined our sandbox and a few puzzles, and pillows and blankets continue to be strewn across the house. Every time I reprimand him, my sister gets upset with me. "Dennis" doesn't even know what discipline is, and when I scold him, he runs to his Mommy where he is greeted with a "Oh, mercy, poor Gabriel. What did Aunt Lynn do?". I came home from an errand today only to find my diet cheese and my whole weeks allotment of apples littering my kitchen floor. All with ONE bite taken out of each of them. Wouldn't that drive you crazy too? So with a fizzle and a flop I have eaten and gained miserable.
My husband has extended his offer to allow them to stay as long as they need to. However, I think they are leaving tomorrow. PHEW! I REALLY need to get back on plan here. I haven't been able to get to the computer to reach out and read your blogs for inspiration because they have all been staying in our computer room. I really need to catch up and get my head back in the game. I hope you are all doing well. I should be "back" tomorrow. I can't wait to spend some quiet time and catch up on all of you.
Friday, July 18, 2008
The first day she was here, I did fine. However, I haven't exercised since her arrival and today my food has been awful. I consumed almost 2,ooo, yup 2,000, calories JUST by eating pecans this morning. How funny is that, I binged on pecans. I am such a dork.
This is not a very nice thing to say, but her youngest son who is three is a holy terror. He is my nightmare, the complete opposite from my very well behaved two year old. He throws everything everywhere...pillows, blankets, TOYS, there is no room to walk in this house without tripping on the wake of his tornado. He smeared gum all over my son's play kitchen and onto the playroom floor. He is also the most wasteful little consumer. When I wake up in the morning there is a spread fit for a King on my kitchen table complete with cut up fresh fruit (which my husband works very hard for) that goes untouched and turns brown. This morning there were bananas, apples, grapes, goldfish crackers, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, a bowl of soggy cheerios and left over pizza. For a THREE year old! What is my sister thinking! Now I am being yelled at by her for disciplining her Tasmanian devil. I give up.
I need to take a deep breath and focus on my plan. I don't need to let my past obsessions with food control me while my sister is visiting. I should focus on being there for her during this difficult time. But it is so darn hard! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.............
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Cristina wrote about how when she was traveling she had to order something from McDonalds, so she chose a grilled chicken breast. When she got back on the road, she realized that they had given her a fried chicken sandwich.
I am seriously starting to think that there is a conspiracy. Maybe the fast food industry doesn't want us to eat better, be healthier, and lose weight. They want us to keep eating and craving their carcinogenic yucky-ness.
Click here to see some fast food grossness.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Oh. I can say that when I was tempted to go downstairs and raid my kitchen this afternoon, I went into our bonus room, cranked up some music, and danced around with my son. Instead of binging, I ended up working out!
Monday, July 14, 2008
I was talking with my best friend, who is going through this WHOLE deal right along with me, earlier this morning about how slow this weight loss stuff is. We were discussing how discouraging it is to eat healthier and exercise only to step on the scale and see little or no loss at all.
We talked about how even though we don't see a change on the scale, our clothes feel and fit differently. In the whole month my scale didn't show a change, my pants started falling off of me. It is hard for us to see the loss of weight because it is such a slow process, and that is the way it should be in order for it to be healthy and to help assure us we can keep it off.
We like to think that even when we can't tell that our body is changing...it is! Just think about how much healthier our "insides" are. Our bodies are pretty darn smart and they certainly have many survival tactics. So, it only makes sense that when we start to lose the fat, we are losing it first on our insides. Our livers, our kidneys, our hearts, all of our organs are surrounded with unhealthy fat. So even though I cannot see my thigh shrinking right in front of my face, at least my heart is healthier and is able to beat with less hindrance. Hey, I may never be "skinny" but at least my heart will be. That's a great feeling! You go heart.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
My husband has also shared with me an awkward situation for him. A few times while he has been discussing one of his patient's weight and health issues, they have actually turned to him and asked, "Well, what about your wife?". The fact that I am overweight in no way reflects on my husband's ability to be a good doctor. Do these people not realize that I am my own person and that my poor husband can't control me or force me to do something? We often bump into my husband's patients while we are out and about, and I am always so self conscious. I have stopped and talked with patients before at the grocery store, and I always feel like they are eye sweeping the food in my cart. The good thing is now they will only see healthier foods in my cart, so sweep away.
Now, if I could only somehow figure out the right words to say to someone who has just told me: "Oh, wow, I didn't know your husband was a doctor, you don't look like a doctor's wife".
On a great note, I am finally down 20 pounds this morning!
While we were there, I noticed a small group of teenage guys who were acting their age, but it didn't bother me at all. My family and I just kept to ourselves and enjoyed our family outing. After eating half of my burrito (my two year old ate more than me, so that was good!), I started heading to the soda machine to get my son some more water. The group of guys arrived at the same time I did, so I flashed a smile and backed up so that they could go first. They appeared to be in their own little world and I wasn't in a hurry. I got the water, walked to our van and started settling in our boys.
I reached over to lay our leftovers onto the floor when I heard it..."Woo-hoo look at me (unintelligible), I'm a WHALE! Check out the whale. Tee-hee-hee-hee ha ha ha ha ha...".
OMG. Did that really just happen? A car carrying the gaggle of teenage boys fled past our van and sped away with cheers and fits of laughter as they hung their heads out the windows. Mortified, I asked my husband, "What did they say?" as if I hadn't heard. He also chose to play dumb, probably guarding my feelings (thanks Honey) and denied understanding the yelling.
I'm telling you, I have finally earned my Black Belt, my PhD in embarrassing moments. People around here are just not used to seeing overweight people. The truth of the matter is that I live in a very yuppy, wealthy area full of woman who would rather work out five times a day at their $300 a month gyms than stay at home and take care of their children. The overweight people are forced into hiding in fear of being made fun of and stared at.
I was mortified. I was called a whale. In public. In front of my whole family. People are so cruel.
Normally I would stew and fester inside while desperately trying to plan my next fast food run so I could place an order for $10 worth of fried, greasy band-aids to heal the pain. But, this time, I called my best friend, ooohed and awwwed about what had happened and I feel totally over it already. Moving right along...
(UPDATE: I am now covered in hives. Weird. Maybe I am more bothered by my experience than I am aware!? I'm not really thinking about it anymore, so I don't really understand how there could be a possible connection.)