Thursday, July 31, 2008
From the Tanita website:
The results are analyzed along with gender, age, height and weight for the most accurate and comprehensive at-home reading ever available. Measurements include Weight, Body Fat %, Body Water %, Daily Caloric Intake, Metabolic Age, Bone Mass, Muscle Mass, Physique Rating, and Visceral Fat Rating.
I would just love to see that my muscle mass is increasing even though my weight might be going up. I think this will really help with my psyche. I realize I shouldn't put so much weight (no pun intended here folks ;)) on a scale, but I can't help it, I am a scale-a-holic.
I just think that it is the coolest thing ever! I carried on about how much I would love to have it, but with a price tag of $120, it was a firm no-can-do. Sooooo, I came home and started researching the scale and I found it at The Competitive Edge for only $111.99 with free shipping! :)
I bought it.
So my story gets cooler. I was sitting here after I pressed the submit order button and started feeling very guilty for my purchase. What if my husband gets mad at me? Ugh. I hate that instant buyer's remorse syndrome. I quickly called my MIL to tell her about some lightning fire in my neighborhood (super scary), and out of nowhere she told me that they would like to contribute $30 towards the scale. She didn't even know I had just bought it!!! Oh my smiles, they are the most tight, frugal people you will ever meet, so this is a huge compliment. I can't believe it. I am so excited. I will let you all know if it is worth a darn once I am able to start using it. Oh, that UPS man can't come fast enough.
(Oh, poop. I had to use a promotional code to get the special price, so if you are interested, rest assured I will post it as soon as I find it again.) PHEW! I found it... Enter PU906A when checking out.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Switching noodles and moving right along...I have a veggie dilemma. Upon the advice of many of you fellow bloggers, I have decided to not only have fresh veggies in my fridge, but I plan on keeping them cut up and ready to go for quick and easy snacking. So today I purchased broccoli, cauliflower, celery, carrots and some bell peppers and cut them all up. Right before it was time for dinner, the munchies hit. So out came the veggies. I dug in pulling some celery out first, and YUCK! it tasted awful. On to the cauliflower...EWW, that was gross too. What the heck!?
I have always LOVED fresh veggies in all colors, shapes and sizes. I have never had this problem before. All the veggies taste horribly bitter and yucky to me. My husband has always complained about vegetables being bitter and nasty. Has this ever happened to any of you? I don't want to have to dip them into ranch to cover the taste up, that would defeat the purpose. I also have Jane's crazy mixed-up salt, but that's seasoned salt and I don't want to consume all that sodium. Gees Lou Pete. It's always something.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Here's where it might get weird for some of you. But, last Sunday our Pastor talked about the evil realm that exists. We can all accept that God exists, but talking about Satan and demons is too weird for us to accept. But, what is out there that we aren't even aware of? He had a box on stage and asked us to describe it...."rectangle....gray...big...plastic..." came from the crowd. He later opened the lid and revealed that there had been a boy inside the box the whole time. At no time did anyone guess, "contains a human life". Even a beagle could have guessed correctly. There are just some facts that our senses are too weak to pick up on.
So, for a lack of better words, I have been feeling "possessed" lately. I have been feeling grouchy, negative, tired and it has been increasingly difficult for me to smile. I have been wondering if I needed to rid myself of some "demons" that may be affecting me. Last night I went to bed at my wits end...the towel was not wanting to be thrown...but I was feeling like it was time to head on home and admit defeat. Once I fell asleep, I had the weirdest dream. To sum it all up, I was in a small box shaped room and a large demonic woman appeared and she was uglier than sin, let me tell ya'. She was drooling and had horrible fang teeth and treacherous fingernails. She seemed to float around the room as she came at me to attack. I ended up putting her in a headlock and some other weird Matrix like crap happened...and she was dead...either that or my baby woke me up. Anywho- it was almost like I killed the evil that had been harboring inside of me for the past few weeks.
I woke up feeling uniquely positive and for the first time in quite a while, with a smile on my face. AND, here's the big and...I also had a weight loss this morning. THANK YOU LORD. I am hoping that all of this weirdness will add up to equal a fresh start on my path. I feel like I have a renewed resolve and I can't wait to feel the natural high of making healthy choices, declaring control again, and seeing that scale move down, down, down.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
I am starting to feel as though I am running a (what seems never ending) marathon. I close my eyes and think about reaching my weight loss goals...and the finish line seems sooooo far away. I am currently sitting at a virtual rest stop along this journey, my brows are sweaty and my legs are so tired. I can't seem to catch my breath, stand back up and go for it. I see all these "runners" passing me and crossing over the finish line and I want to follow, but I am too exhausted and my body aches. I am holding my cup of water and knowing that I don't want to throw in the towel.
I see the crowd cheering me on at the other end, but their faces are fuzzy and their voices are starting to fade away. The sun is going down, and I am starting to hear the crickets. As tired as I am, I know that I have so much further to go. I want so badly to pick myself up and join the last few runners that are trickling by. I don't want to quit and go home, but I just can't seem to find the strength. My body lays draped over a chair and I feel like my feet and arms have lead in them.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
I have been blogging about my funk lately, and I have definitely learned a lesson during my time off the wagon. While I was feeling depressed, my whole body ached. I was exhausted, and any minor task seemed daunting. My overall feeling about my body took a direct hit as well. I was so much more aware of all the things that are "wrong" with me. Instead of feeling more confident, I was back to criticizing my body.
I felt so blubbery and yucky, I stopped undressing in front of my husband, and I started feeling like I didn't want to leave the house. Besides my sister coming for a visit, there was also one other major difference during the past week...I didn't find time to exercise.
I made sure I got out and rode my bike tonight, and it felt great! I am so happy that I was able to get out there and do it even with the storms coming and going. I already feel like I have a different spring in my step. It is so amazing how powerful the mind really is. I have learned that I MUST take time for myself or everyone, me the most, suffers for it. We don't need Prozac people, we just need the wind in our hair!
Oh, and watch out everybody because I'M BA-ACK. Woo-Hoo!!!
Your body is the baggage you must carry through life. The more excess the baggage, the shorter the trip.
Arnold H. Glasgow
(By far, my favorite. Remember my post My Liver is Shrinking?)
If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution. ~Author Unknown
I keep trying to lose weight... but it keeps finding me!
So, which one speaks loudest to you?
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Also with God's grace, the scale reflected no weight gain during my wallows in the abyss. I ate a healthy breakfast with my husband this morning, and I plan to stay on track for the rest of the day.
Thanks again to all of you for pushing me along. I know that I couldn't be successful if I was alone.
Monday, July 21, 2008
I think my sister's depression rubbed off onto me, either that or I am going to get my period for the first time since my baby was born. Who knows, but I do know that it feels very strange to be in such a murky place. It seems like I have had a few ups and downs since starting my journey, but for some reason I feel like I am at rock bottom right now. Gees, I really hate to be so glum, sorry for such a dreary post.
My food was okay today, it could have been better, but I am hoping to get back on the bandwagon starting tomorrow. I need to read through some of your blogs for some motivation, and also go back and read through my blog to see what has motivated me during these past few months. I need a swift kick in the arse!
My fortune at the Chinese restaurant tonight said: There are ups and downs along life's journey. Fitting.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Last night, I took my sister out to get ice cream, but it turned into my eating mine next to a catatonic body. She is like stone and understandably so, divorce is by far one of the most difficult things that anyone can go through. So, in my efforts to get her out and about, I am sabotaging my food plan. I have been so stressed that my face is breaking out like a teenager's and I have been suffering from a daily tension headache.
"Dennis the Menace" (my sister's son) hasn't started behaving any better. My two year old is now screaming "NO" and "NOW, I want it NOW" at my husband and me. "Dennis" has ripped my curtains from their rings, ruined a few blinds, pulled salt shaker corks out and dumped salt everywhere, ruined our sandbox and a few puzzles, and pillows and blankets continue to be strewn across the house. Every time I reprimand him, my sister gets upset with me. "Dennis" doesn't even know what discipline is, and when I scold him, he runs to his Mommy where he is greeted with a "Oh, mercy, poor Gabriel. What did Aunt Lynn do?". I came home from an errand today only to find my diet cheese and my whole weeks allotment of apples littering my kitchen floor. All with ONE bite taken out of each of them. Wouldn't that drive you crazy too? So with a fizzle and a flop I have eaten and gained miserable.
My husband has extended his offer to allow them to stay as long as they need to. However, I think they are leaving tomorrow. PHEW! I REALLY need to get back on plan here. I haven't been able to get to the computer to reach out and read your blogs for inspiration because they have all been staying in our computer room. I really need to catch up and get my head back in the game. I hope you are all doing well. I should be "back" tomorrow. I can't wait to spend some quiet time and catch up on all of you.
Friday, July 18, 2008
The first day she was here, I did fine. However, I haven't exercised since her arrival and today my food has been awful. I consumed almost 2,ooo, yup 2,000, calories JUST by eating pecans this morning. How funny is that, I binged on pecans. I am such a dork.
This is not a very nice thing to say, but her youngest son who is three is a holy terror. He is my nightmare, the complete opposite from my very well behaved two year old. He throws everything everywhere...pillows, blankets, TOYS, there is no room to walk in this house without tripping on the wake of his tornado. He smeared gum all over my son's play kitchen and onto the playroom floor. He is also the most wasteful little consumer. When I wake up in the morning there is a spread fit for a King on my kitchen table complete with cut up fresh fruit (which my husband works very hard for) that goes untouched and turns brown. This morning there were bananas, apples, grapes, goldfish crackers, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, a bowl of soggy cheerios and left over pizza. For a THREE year old! What is my sister thinking! Now I am being yelled at by her for disciplining her Tasmanian devil. I give up.
I need to take a deep breath and focus on my plan. I don't need to let my past obsessions with food control me while my sister is visiting. I should focus on being there for her during this difficult time. But it is so darn hard! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.............
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Cristina wrote about how when she was traveling she had to order something from McDonalds, so she chose a grilled chicken breast. When she got back on the road, she realized that they had given her a fried chicken sandwich.
I am seriously starting to think that there is a conspiracy. Maybe the fast food industry doesn't want us to eat better, be healthier, and lose weight. They want us to keep eating and craving their carcinogenic yucky-ness.
Click here to see some fast food grossness.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Oh. I can say that when I was tempted to go downstairs and raid my kitchen this afternoon, I went into our bonus room, cranked up some music, and danced around with my son. Instead of binging, I ended up working out!
Monday, July 14, 2008
I was talking with my best friend, who is going through this WHOLE deal right along with me, earlier this morning about how slow this weight loss stuff is. We were discussing how discouraging it is to eat healthier and exercise only to step on the scale and see little or no loss at all.
We talked about how even though we don't see a change on the scale, our clothes feel and fit differently. In the whole month my scale didn't show a change, my pants started falling off of me. It is hard for us to see the loss of weight because it is such a slow process, and that is the way it should be in order for it to be healthy and to help assure us we can keep it off.
We like to think that even when we can't tell that our body is changing...it is! Just think about how much healthier our "insides" are. Our bodies are pretty darn smart and they certainly have many survival tactics. So, it only makes sense that when we start to lose the fat, we are losing it first on our insides. Our livers, our kidneys, our hearts, all of our organs are surrounded with unhealthy fat. So even though I cannot see my thigh shrinking right in front of my face, at least my heart is healthier and is able to beat with less hindrance. Hey, I may never be "skinny" but at least my heart will be. That's a great feeling! You go heart.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
My husband has also shared with me an awkward situation for him. A few times while he has been discussing one of his patient's weight and health issues, they have actually turned to him and asked, "Well, what about your wife?". The fact that I am overweight in no way reflects on my husband's ability to be a good doctor. Do these people not realize that I am my own person and that my poor husband can't control me or force me to do something? We often bump into my husband's patients while we are out and about, and I am always so self conscious. I have stopped and talked with patients before at the grocery store, and I always feel like they are eye sweeping the food in my cart. The good thing is now they will only see healthier foods in my cart, so sweep away.
Now, if I could only somehow figure out the right words to say to someone who has just told me: "Oh, wow, I didn't know your husband was a doctor, you don't look like a doctor's wife".
On a great note, I am finally down 20 pounds this morning!
While we were there, I noticed a small group of teenage guys who were acting their age, but it didn't bother me at all. My family and I just kept to ourselves and enjoyed our family outing. After eating half of my burrito (my two year old ate more than me, so that was good!), I started heading to the soda machine to get my son some more water. The group of guys arrived at the same time I did, so I flashed a smile and backed up so that they could go first. They appeared to be in their own little world and I wasn't in a hurry. I got the water, walked to our van and started settling in our boys.
I reached over to lay our leftovers onto the floor when I heard it..."Woo-hoo look at me (unintelligible), I'm a WHALE! Check out the whale. Tee-hee-hee-hee ha ha ha ha ha...".
OMG. Did that really just happen? A car carrying the gaggle of teenage boys fled past our van and sped away with cheers and fits of laughter as they hung their heads out the windows. Mortified, I asked my husband, "What did they say?" as if I hadn't heard. He also chose to play dumb, probably guarding my feelings (thanks Honey) and denied understanding the yelling.
I'm telling you, I have finally earned my Black Belt, my PhD in embarrassing moments. People around here are just not used to seeing overweight people. The truth of the matter is that I live in a very yuppy, wealthy area full of woman who would rather work out five times a day at their $300 a month gyms than stay at home and take care of their children. The overweight people are forced into hiding in fear of being made fun of and stared at.
I was mortified. I was called a whale. In public. In front of my whole family. People are so cruel.
Normally I would stew and fester inside while desperately trying to plan my next fast food run so I could place an order for $10 worth of fried, greasy band-aids to heal the pain. But, this time, I called my best friend, ooohed and awwwed about what had happened and I feel totally over it already. Moving right along...
(UPDATE: I am now covered in hives. Weird. Maybe I am more bothered by my experience than I am aware!? I'm not really thinking about it anymore, so I don't really understand how there could be a possible connection.)
Friday, July 11, 2008
I just checked my account at Startyourdiet.com, and after typing in my current weight, it appears as though I have lost an average of 2.4 pounds a week since I have started trying. 2.4 pounds a week? I can't believe that. Here I am thinking I am totally failing at this hard as hell effort. I have achieved 16% of my goal, that makes it sound so worth it!
Also, you may have noticed that there is a picture of me with a face now posted. I finally realized that the fat "police" weren't going to come and find me, and I am tired of hiding. This is who I am now, but not for long. My original fear was that someone I know would somehow find my blog and read it! But, o'well. It is no secret that I need to lose weight.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
I specifically remember sitting behind this guy in trigonometry class whom always emitted a yucky odor. Unfortunately, we had assigned seats in that class, so I was privy to the unpleasant olfactory treat every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. He was a heavy fella, and I learned to associate the smell as "fat people smell". I can say that because I am fat, so no getting defensive here, okay? I remember counting the rolls on the back of his neck one day during lecture...I think I counted four or five. He was always sweaty and panting. I felt sorry for him because I assumed that he didn't have access to a daily shower or proper hygiene.
I have consistently been concerned with my own body odor. I shower daily, use LOTS of deodorant and make sure I scrub every inch of my body well. It has been a fear of mine for years that I would one day smell like the trig guy.
I had to run to the grocery store today and while I was putting my baby back into his seat, it happened. I caught a whiff of "that smell"! Freaking out for a second, I quickly checked my son in hopes that he had a dirty diaper...nope. Had I gotten something rotten or soured on my clothes? Nope, my shirt was dry. Oh dear God, where could that smell be coming from? While looking down in desperation to find the stinky source, I found it. It was me. Yup. Me. Apparently my nice sweaty chest was the culprit. Ewwwwwwww. Wie. Nice, huh?
This has put even more fuel in my fire. I went for a bike ride tonight thinking about how I DO NOT want to be that "poor stinky fat woman". Gees Louise, this is blatant madness.
So where in the heck did the expression PU come from? This is what I found:
1) It's a shortened term for puteo, which is Latin for 'to stink, be redolent, or smell bad.' I actually called a professor of Latin at the University of Florida to verify this one.
2) It's actually spelled "piu," but is often pronounced as "pee-yew". It's root is the Indo-European word "pu," meaning to rot or decay. A lot of other languages use this root word and have the same general meaning."
There, now you know.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
yet another rainy sky. This was our local radar at 8:00 tonight. Normally I would never complain about the much needed rain, but I really wanted to go for a bike ride.
Luckily, I was able to sneak a quick ride once the rain had almost ended. It was kind of nice to feel the rain on my face. I was reminded about how efficient bike riding is as a mode of transportation-I rode FAST! It was great.
I have to admit though, I felt a little dorkish wearing my helmet, but I need to make sure I protect my sons' Mommy. I am pretty sure I got a fairly decent work out. My heart was pounding away and my face is nice and red. I can't wait to go again tomorrow night and to start finally seeing the scale move!
First lets talk about my new bike. I almost didn't get my new bike yesterday, everything that could have gone wrong, did. My husband needed to be at his office at a certain time, and we were already running late. We went downstairs with the boys and started getting ready to leave. The dog and fish needed fed and cared for, my oldest had on the wrong shoes, my baby was who knows where and my husband was tapping his feet. I ended up slamming the garage door to keep my son from leaving with the wrong shoes on and my husband internalized my action as me being out of control and "losing it" so he left without me because he "didn't want to be with me" while I was so "crazy". Whatever.
I decided to put both of the boys in the car myself and go. After a change of shoes, and putting the dog away we piled into the car. I then realized that I forgot the packages I needed to mail. I left the boys in the car with a movie and ran back inside. Once I was ready to leave, my phone rings, it's my husband who wants to know if it is safe to come home. We decide that we will meet him somewhere on the way to the bike store and I quickly pull out of the garage. THEN, I realize as I am pulling out that several boxes stored in the garage had fallen on top of and behind the van. So my husband is waiting and I am still at home re-organizing our garage. Once done with my rearranging, I take off only to realize that I don't even know where this place it. No problem, I'll just type it into my GPS. Well, good old Natalie the Navigator doesn't know where the shop is. (This could go on forever, how 'bout I just wrap this up?) So to make an even longer story shorter, after several meeting places gone wrong, my husband and I are finally together and we eventually find the store. THANK GOD. Once inside the store everything went smoothly. Thinking to myself last night, "Take THAT Satan, you tried your darndest to keep me from getting a bike to help me become healthy!". THEN, he decided to fight back and threw two hours worth of thunderstorms our way. I never got to ride last night.
So, here is my serious HUMPH. I have been trying major-ly hard at this weight loss stuff for almost two months now, and for the past 4 weeks I have seen NO loss on the scale. I just don't get it! I am seriously about to scream, stomp my feet, and pull my hair out. Why, why, why, why, WHY? I am eating totally different from before...more veggies, fruit...consuming a lot less calories...and I am still nursing my son! I really expected to see some serious weight loss by now. I am starting to feel like it just isn't going to happen. Why "suffer" through having to obsess about every morsel that goes into my mouth when I can eat whatever I want without the scale changing? Okay, okay, I know, I am healthier now, I get that. BUT why in the heck have I gained a pound over the past three days of eating really well? I read about other bloggers and their awesome weight loss and how they are doing it. I am honestly so happy for everyone who is breaking free from the fatty barbed wire, but why in the heck isn't it working for me!? This really stinks. I am soooooooo frustrated.
Today is going to be a BAD day.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Great news on this end...my husband let me buy a new bike! I am sooooo super excited. Isn't she purty? My plan is to ride, ride, ride once my little guys go to bed. I haven't been able to find any other time to exercise during the day, so now I won't have an excuse. I don't like walking at night anymore because it is so darn HOT around here! But, with the bike, there will be wind in my hair! I can't wait, I feel like I am 14 again.
I chose the Raleigh Venture 4.0 because I was able to ride my brother-in-law's bike, which is similar, while we were visiting and I loved it! It actually didn't hurt where bike seats normally hurt if you know what I mean ;). I absolutely love it.
Now, if you can all remind me every once in a while to not stop riding it.
Monday, July 7, 2008
It was ONE week, so I am forgiving myself and moving right along. The funny part is I actually watched what I ate. But, then his Mother showed up, and suddenly I couldn't stop eating! Funny how she does that too me. I consumed MUCH less than I normally have in our past romps up to his brother's house, but I snacked way too much on WW cookies, apples and peanut butter and baked chips! However, I did manage to stay away from the M&Ms and Pepsi the whole time we were there. I actually dreampt several dreams about being thinner...these were great and kept my head up.
Switching noodles, I heard Pastor Joel Osteen speaking on TV last night while I was drifting off to sleep. He seemed to be saying exactly what I needed to hear.
- The Lord has GREAT things in store for us
- God DOES NOT want us to be in the same place next year as we are right now (BIG one for me, this really hit home- you mean I don't have to be fat year after year after year...?)
- With God, anything is possible, don't sell ourselves short
- Don't harbor anger and resentment, move on (really important for me right now due to family issues)
UPDATE: It appears as though I gained a total of one pound. Not bad for a week long vacation.