I talked on the phone last night with my dear friend Kate about how my resolve had seemed to dissolve. I have also expressed a feeling to her that I wasn't in control of my body anymore. There have been two voices in my head lately. One telling me, "You know, you can just put that peanut butter back in the fridge, turn off the kitchen light and be done for today" and another seemingly taking over my body and smothering the other small voice. I didn't want to pick and snack all day long, but I seemed to be at a complete loss of control. I have been feeling like I am eating in my sleep. I am there, I am awake, but I can't control my munching. I am in a semi-comatose state. It's just been weird.
Here's where it might get weird for some of you. But, last Sunday our Pastor talked about the evil realm that exists. We can all accept that God exists, but talking about Satan and demons is too weird for us to accept. But, what is out there that we aren't even aware of? He had a box on stage and asked us to describe it...."rectangle....gray...big...plastic..." came from the crowd. He later opened the lid and revealed that there had been a boy inside the box the whole time. At no time did anyone guess, "contains a human life". Even a beagle could have guessed correctly. There are just some facts that our senses are too weak to pick up on.
So, for a lack of better words, I have been feeling "possessed" lately. I have been feeling grouchy, negative, tired and it has been increasingly difficult for me to smile. I have been wondering if I needed to rid myself of some "demons" that may be affecting me. Last night I went to bed at my wits end...the towel was not wanting to be thrown...but I was feeling like it was time to head on home and admit defeat. Once I fell asleep, I had the weirdest dream. To sum it all up, I was in a small box shaped room and a large demonic woman appeared and she was uglier than sin, let me tell ya'. She was drooling and had horrible fang teeth and treacherous fingernails. She seemed to float around the room as she came at me to attack. I ended up putting her in a headlock and some other weird Matrix like crap happened...and she was dead...either that or my baby woke me up. Anywho- it was almost like I killed the evil that had been harboring inside of me for the past few weeks.
I woke up feeling uniquely positive and for the first time in quite a while, with a smile on my face. AND, here's the big and...I also had a weight loss this morning. THANK YOU LORD. I am hoping that all of this weirdness will add up to equal a fresh start on my path. I feel like I have a renewed resolve and I can't wait to feel the natural high of making healthy choices, declaring control again, and seeing that scale move down, down, down.