Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Oh, I'm Sorry, Sorry for Being Sorry, I'm Sorry
While I was riding my bike this evening, something happened that made me think about my success in my journey. I really think a mind shift needs to occur in me before I can fully commit 100% to finally taking care of myself.
I have always been a people pleaser. It is my nature to nurture and to ensure that everyone is happy. Even while attending someone else's get together, I will take on the roll of a hostess and make sure everyone has what they need. It's annoying. I guess I have just always wanted everyone to like me, so I try hard, too hard.
Tonight while riding my bike, I happened to pass a man walking his dog a few times and I smiled as I rode by. Upon passing him for the last time, his dog decided to lunge at me and almost knock my off my bike. I was riding downhill and going pretty quickly, and I freaked out! In the blink of an eye, and without thinking, I hollered out, "Whoa, sorry!". Sorry? What in the heck was I sorry for? The man didn't apologize for his dog, but darn it, how dare I ride my bike on the road.
During my husband's externship, we lived with his aunt and uncle. Several times during our stay, I was told by them if I were to apologize one more time, they were kicking me out. It really got on their nerves, but I couldn't help it! Apparently I am just sorry for my existence, and I need to change that. I always feel like I am in someone else's way, that I don't deserve to take up any space or dominate a conversation.
I talk fast, really fast, and most people can't understand me. I don't think it has anything to do with my birthplace being NY state, but I don't feel like I am important enough for people to have to stop and listen to me, so I blurt it out quickly as to save their time.
I really want and need to change my mentality surrounding my existence. I would love to finally feel important enough to talk to someone for more than 2 minutes at church, maybe they would actually get to know me and vice versa. I want to stop saying "yes" when I really want, and need, to say "no!".
My MIL often requests that I pick up groceries for her while I am out and about. Normally I wouldn't think twice about a helpful request, however, she visits at least 3-4 stores daily. She goes to every drug and grocery store within a few miles to use various coupons and stock up on sale items. I have two young children in tow, 8 months and 2 years. I am the last person she needs to be asking to pick up her stuff. She can get her own stuff. If anything, she should be calling me up and asking if she can grab something for me while she's out. But, what do I do? I call her while I am out to get her list, and I even deliver it to her house. And get this, if she doesn't like something or it is the wrong thing...I return it for her. Can I get anymore masochistic?
I need to start learning that I am important, and important enough that I need to start taking care of myself as well and as much as I care for others. My husband would tell me I need to grow some balls. I'm working on it...uh- hum, well not the balls part.