Nope, I didn't write the post title wrong, unfortunately.
Since I bought my treadmill back in December, I have gained almost 20 pounds. AND, I have used my treadmill for a hefty 300-700 calorie burn almost every single day!
No, I am not going to sit here and tell you my sob story about how I am doing everything right; eating right, exercising daily, being nice to my neighbors... etc, and I just don't know WHY I am gaining!? Woo if me.
Okay, moving along. I am gaining because I am eating too much. Plain and simple. I am not eating too much of the "bad" things like ice cream, soda, cookies... but I am obviously doing something wrong. Could it be the sugar I am adding to my "healthy" strawberry smoothie in the mornings? Yup. Could it be the extra cheese I order on my "healthy" lunch at the Mexican restaurant? Yup. Could it be the extra miniature Peppermint Patty I eat at night? Yup.
I have become so good at convincing others that I am eating well, that I am now convincing myself! While sabotaging my life in the process. It's late here on the East Coast- it's well after midnight, and for a Mom who has been dealing with the stomach bug wreaking havoc on our laundry, our carpets, our public outings and OUR LIVES for over a week now, I should be sleeping.
I can't sleep right now. I can't sleep because I am suffering from heartburn and reflux. I am suffering from these things because of the loads of weight I have packed onto my poor body over the course of the last five months. I can feel my body panicking, pleading with my brain to "get control!" already. Laying in bed thinking about how my aches and pains are back- my feet hurt! my hips hurt! my knees hurt!, my reflux is back, my sleep apnea is back, I have no clothes that fit, my five year old is now asking me why I am "so tough?", his word for fat, and worst of all- I feel absolutely horrible about myself.
So, why would all of this be worth the 20 seconds it takes to enjoy one chocolate cookie? one small soda? one LARGE soda? one Christmas dinner? one special date night with my husband? just one more, just one more, just one more... I'll start again tomorrow.... I'll be good tomorrow... I deserve this... I'm tired.... I've been under a lot of stress lately... I'm happy... I'm sad.... You hurt my feelings...
Nothing, NOTHING is worth it. NOT ONE THING. Maybe except sparing the life of one of my children or even my husband, but we are talking about sparing MY life here. MY LIFE. ME.
Wow, talk about a heavy, unloading post here folks. But, it's been too long since I've posted, so long in fact that I almost forgot how to log in. I need to stay active amongst the rest of you, I need to hold myself accountable. I need your help.
Some of you noticed that I have been MIA lately, thank you so much for your thoughts. I appreciate ALL of you SO, SO much. Instead of running away and hiding when things get bad, I have to stay here, stay positive, and use this wonderful tool.
I'm going to sign off now- the leaning tower of Pisa, aka the family laundry pile, is on the guest bed next to me and making me want to go and eat. ;)
Until tomorrow my friends. Good night!!! Hope you are all doing well.