Wait, I am a Little Confused. No. Make That VERY Confused.

Over the past few weeks I have been securing a pretty darn good milestone for myself. That milestone would be the absence of any fast food runs. For two weeks, or so, now I haven't visited a drive-thru in hopes of hiding food from my husband. I have had NO Dr. Peppers other than when we have gone out to eat.

I used to drive through at least once, if not several times a day to grab a large Dr. Pepper. It has been my weakness for quite a while. But of course, if you are buying a soda you might as well buy some fries and a sandwich to go with it. But wait! If you are going to buy all of that, you should just buy a meal and save money! Right!? I would often buy a pre-lunch lunch, or an afternoon lunch for a "snack". Feeling too full, I would feel victory when I sat at the dinner table with my family while "nibbling" on my small portion. I was purchasing a meal to go with my DP at least once a week. I would make a turn into a shopping center near a Chik-fil-A, and my three year old would ask, "Mommy, are you going to go get a snack now?". UGH, what am I doing? Not only to myself but to my kids. This is awful!!!

Our finances finally caught up with us, and I was stripped of any extra funds I might have previously been allowed to carry around in my purse. So, I guess you could say I was forced to stop eating fast-food. But, it worked. And now I haven't had the urge or even the thought while driving around town running errands. When my son has been asking for chocolate milk lately (which was his treat at Chik-fil-A), I simply tell him "no". I HAVE GOT to start setting a better example for my boys. They are both at the age where they are tiny human sponges and their patterns for life are being established RIGHT NOW.

So, where does the confusion part come in? I have gained almost 6 pounds over the past 2 weeks. GAINED. I really don't get it. I am eating so much less now that my fast-food runs have been eliminated. I have also been making a special point to eat better at home and I have been drinking nothing besides water or an occassional glass of Pepsi One here and there. I mean, what is going on? 6 pounds is quite a bit to consider ruling in womanly bloating or general water retention. My clothes are getting tighter and it isn't because they are shrinking.

GOD I hate this.

It Fits!!!

Well, not really. But, I CAN get it over my head! :) I decided to grin and bear it for some "before" pictures of my pretty new dress. I am hoping there will be some "after" pictures within the next year. Please don't mind the bed-head. So, here is my attempt to wear my new size 14 dress for the camera: (NO LAUGHING!!!- that would be just plain mean.)

Well the Weather Outside is Frightful...

...but my potato soup was delightful. I don't know about the rest of you, but where I live it's kind of yucky outside. I decided today would be a great day to try out a new, Weight Watchers friendly, potato soup recipe. I have to say, It was dee-lish!!! Here are the stats:

3 cans of chicken broth
1 bag of frozen Orieda O'brien potatoes
1 small onion, diced (optional, but yummy!)
1 packet of McCormick's white country gravy mix
***Optional: weight watchers cheese and Hormel REAL bacon bits

*Place the onion in the bottom of a sauce pan with just a splash of the chicken broth. When the onions have sauteed for a while, add chicken broth for a total of two cans. Stir in the potatoes and bring to a boil. While the potatoes are coming to a boil, place the third can of chicken broth in a bowl and whisk in the packet of gravy mix. When the potatoes have begun to boil, add the broth/gravy mixture to the pot and stir. Simmer for 15 minutes until broth has thickened a bit. Serve with a sprinkle of cheese and bacon bits. Enjoy!!!

1 cup= 1 WW pt.

Pitter-Patter Dress

I just wanted to let you all know that I got the VERY LAST Pitter-Patter dress from Anthropologie. I was so close to not getting it at all!!! Phew. It has already been shipped out, and should be here tomorrow or Wednesday. I am so excited.

Quote for the Day

"Don't count the days, make the days count."

No, That's Too Wrinkly

The Goodwill. Oh, the Goodwill. I have to say the idea of shopping at the Goodwill has been sounding mighty appealing lately with the economy the way it is right now. I graced our local store with my presence for the very first time (besides donating items) in hopes of finding some Spring/Summer shirts. My mother-in-law was with me looking as well.

I started on the pink rack and worked my way through the reds, purples and blues all the while finding a very common trend. There were absolutely NO plus sized shirts. I mean none. It was kind of weird.

While I was hopelessly searching, I was also looking for some items for my MIL. Every other shirt was from The Loft, Liz Claiborne, Talbots...etc. and they all seemed to be in HER size...a whopping medium. A medium PETITE to boot. Doesn't that P on the tag just add insult to injury? Anywho- I picked out tons of really cute/pretty shirts and held them up for her to see. "Uh, no" "Nope" "That's not my favorite color" "I already have something kind of like it" "That looks way too big" "No, that's too wrinkly"....etc... was all I kept hearing.

After leaving with NOTHING and my picky as he!! mother-in-law leaving with only one thing, even though she could have bought half the store, I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to have so many choices.

I guess we don't have the luxury of shopping for tons of clothes at a time. We are forced to chose from whatever our local plus gal shop is selling. I pretty much find something that fits and buy it in every color! I don't ever worry about something possibly looking wrinkly. If it fits, and looks pretty...buy it darn it!!!

I digress.

Comment Clarification

I do want to make sure that people who have left comments regarding the lap band issue are clear about something. I am in no way being insulted or upset by what you are all saying. This is a safe place to leave your opinion, and I have found everyone's opinions interesting. My last post about the issue was just to make sure that everyone knows that I would never consider making such a decision uniformed or on a whim. So, please don't feel like any apologies need to take place. Okay!? I love you ALL! But, some more than others. (Just kidding :) )

Holy Crap!

I just did something for myself!!! My husband might have my head on a platter, but I just bought my Pitter-Patter dress from Anthropologie!!! It was heavily discounted, and I was so scared that it would sell out on-line. They only had size 14 left, so a size 14 it is. I am so excited to get it! Maybe I should hang it in my pantry.

May I Help YOU?

Obviously during this time of contemplating surgery, I have done a TON of thinking and soul searching. One trait of my silly brain that I have noticed, time and time again, is my undying desire to help others.

I can remember years ago, while in high school, sitting next to a guy named Cory. He was severely over weight and was picked on unmercifully for his large size. I would always think to myself, "How could I help him? Maybe he would meet me at the track and exercise every morning. Maybe I could sit next to him at lunch and help him eat healthy foods...etc.". When I see other large people, I immediately think to myself, "Oh, he/she must be so unhappy. I want to help him/her! No one realizes how much they are suffering". My heart constantly aches for other people who I am pretty sure are suffering.

I have a very close friend who is on the fast track to a heart attack, and what do I do? I make him send me his meals for the week so I can scrutinize everything he eats so I can give him "advice" (well isn't this the pot calling the kettle black!) on how to make improvements. After all, struggling with the same issue for over 20 years surely makes me an expert. Right!?

So, at what point will I find my heart possessing the same compassion for myself that I constantly feel for others? Why am I always trying to help ("fix") other people? Am I that afraid to face myself? Why are complete strangers worth it, but I am not?

I am anxiously waiting for the time to come when I actually do something to help myself. Whether that is surgery or something other than, I just don't know. The soul searching continues.

Lap Band Discussion

I have really enjoyed reading everyone's opinions regarding lap band surgery. Thanks to all of you who have offered your 2 cents.

My husband and I plan on attending an information seminar sometime next month, which is the very first step towards any bariatric surgery. As much as I would like to "cancel" it, I very much would like to keep all of my options open for now.

I plan on stepping up my weekly exercise, which has been working so far, but food is still such a stinker for me right now. I hate it! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!! I hate it so much, I eat it to make it go away. :)

My husband says he will support me 100% with whatever my decision is, but he is very concerned about me having surgery, as is the rest of my family. I realize that after surgery, my diet and exercise will have to be pretty flawless in order for the procedure to be successful. So, I now beg the question, "If you have to eat right and exercise after the surgery, then shouldn't I just eat right and exercise without traumatizing my body?". Seems like common sense, right? I just keep thinking that to be FORCED to follow a plan and have a sense of structure will really help me.

I am still tapping my chin. This is not a light decision. But, my thoughts mostly point towards no at this moment.

***I do want to add that I DO NOT see this as a quick fix or easy way out. I HAVE been reading and researching this procedure for quite sometime now and feel pretty educated as to what I am even considering at this moment. I have shed quite a few tears and had many sleepless nights, and YES I do understand that there are healthier ways, but, just as with anything in life one-size-fits all isn't always the case. I can tell, by a few of the comments that are being left, that some of you think I was up late one night and happened to see an infomercial about lap band surgery. This is far from the truth. I just wanted to let you guys know that, I promise, I am not a complete idiot. I just think that my thinner/healthier self is inside screaming to get out, and all avenues are being scrutinized. That's all. :)***

Lap Band Surgery

So, I am taking a poll. I would like to know how many of you out there are terribly opposed to having lap band surgery. I am starting to flirt with the idea after 20 years of fighting what feels like a losing battle. My boys are getting older and are much more active. I am starting to feel like I can't keep up. Instead of feeling motivated, I am slipping more and more into a deep depression.

I am positively miserable and because of this I feel like I am not a nice person to be around. I snap at my kids and bite my husband's head off for no reason. There is just so much anger pent up inside of me regarding how much I hate my image.

I realize many people view the Lap Band as an easy way out. However, I feel that anyone who has that opinion hasn't struggled with the same demons that an overweight person has. I suffer from frequent panic attacks when I think about the fact that there is a good possibility I will continue to lose this battle. That isn't a good attitude to have, and I know that. But, after so many failed attempts, I am so tired of failing.

People suggest therapy and there is nothing wrong with that. But, for me therapy doesn't really help because there are no issues causing me to overeat other than my self image. It is a vicious cycle for me. I have such a poor self image that I overeat. Overeating causes me to feel bad about myself...I am fat, ugly, a failure...so I eat some more. I am sure this makes sense to most of you.

I was never abused while growing up, physically or mentally. Neither of my parents died, they never divorced and I have a strong, large, supportive family. SO WHAT IS MY PROBLEM!!!???

STUFFED

It's pretty bad when my only form of exercise for the day is packing myself into my jeans.

That's all I need to say about that.