Friday, March 20, 2009
May I Help YOU?
Obviously during this time of contemplating surgery, I have done a TON of thinking and soul searching. One trait of my silly brain that I have noticed, time and time again, is my undying desire to help others.
I can remember years ago, while in high school, sitting next to a guy named Cory. He was severely over weight and was picked on unmercifully for his large size. I would always think to myself, "How could I help him? Maybe he would meet me at the track and exercise every morning. Maybe I could sit next to him at lunch and help him eat healthy foods...etc.". When I see other large people, I immediately think to myself, "Oh, he/she must be so unhappy. I want to help him/her! No one realizes how much they are suffering". My heart constantly aches for other people who I am pretty sure are suffering.
I have a very close friend who is on the fast track to a heart attack, and what do I do? I make him send me his meals for the week so I can scrutinize everything he eats so I can give him "advice" (well isn't this the pot calling the kettle black!) on how to make improvements. After all, struggling with the same issue for over 20 years surely makes me an expert. Right!?
So, at what point will I find my heart possessing the same compassion for myself that I constantly feel for others? Why am I always trying to help ("fix") other people? Am I that afraid to face myself? Why are complete strangers worth it, but I am not?
I am anxiously waiting for the time to come when I actually do something to help myself. Whether that is surgery or something other than, I just don't know. The soul searching continues.