Somber

I can't help but feel a little somber today and I was hoping by writing this post I can get past this and move on.

I found out I was pregnant for the third time about 6 days ago. Although I was in complete disbelief, I couldn't help but be overcome with joy and excitement. We were going to have a third baby! Hopefully a girl this time. I laid in bed at night running through baby names and the thought of bringing home another precious little one.

Unfortunately, my pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 2:00am this morning. I had been spotting and cramping off and on, but I was reassured that spotting and cramping are normal in the early stages of pregnancy. But there was just this feeling deep down inside that I just could not shake. I kept worrying about miscarrying, but at the same time I was sure that the pregnancy would carry on normally yielding a healthy baby.

So, I am feeling a bit confused, sad and angry today and all I want to do is eat, Eat, and EAT some more. If there is one time in my life where food is not a focus, it is when I am pregnant. I was looking forward to settling into the next 9 months or so with a clear head. I just wish I could figure out how to feel that way without being pregnant.

I was telling a friend that when I am pregnant, I feel that I have a "good excuse" to eat whatever I want, and because of this I don't desire to overeat. BUT, when I feel like I don't have an "excuse" I hide what I eat and can't eat enough. The mentality behind this is just weird. Basically all of the pressure to eat less and lose weight is completely gone when I am pregnant.

So....moving right along. Just another day.

***I was thinking this would be just like any other day, but this has proven to be quite a bit to handle for me. I had no idea, when my pregnancy was threatened, that it would be this painful.