Thursday, July 30, 2009

More to Judge

Oh, I mean Love. Okay, I finally watched the dvr'd premiere of More to Love. Hmmmmm, where to start, where to start. I have such mixed emotions. Notice how the same guy who created ABC's Bachelor created this show, but only FOX could be talked into airing it? Interesting.

So first of all, when all of the skinny-minnie size 4 models/cheerleaders show up to star on ABC's Bachelor, their height and weight isn't displayed for all to see. I mean, seriously!? Seriously!? Who in the he!! thought of that one? Those poor girls. The viewers can plainly judge for themselves who might weigh DOESN'T MATTER who weighs 170 and who weighs 278. Isn't the whole show supposed to be about how size doesn't matter? But yet, the Bachelor keeps talking about how he likes large/curvy women. So, should all the skinny girls be upset about the biased casting for THIS show? I know that is far fetched, but why can't shows like this cast a variety ( just like real life folks) of sizes?

THEN, you have the Bachelor...what's his name....Luke? Who talks like he is in some kind of Dr. Phil therapy session with all of the girls. So, when he tells a girl how beautful she is and how any guy would be lucky to have her, is she supposed to feel all warm and fuzzy inside when he sends her packing? Most (if not all) of the girls have stated that this is their "last ditch effort" to find love, their last chance. How sad. The show doesn't show impowered, strong woman. It focuses on an almost desperate side of how miserable the ladies are, further establishing the "poor fat girl" theme. They're always crying in the confession segments!!! I might tune in again to see if the theme changes, but for now I feel that the show is nothing but blatant exploitation set out to stomp on the hearts of 19 poor woman.

I wonder how many frat houses all over the country tune-in just for the night's entertainment?

Oh, my gosh! I almost forgot. How about the fact that not only did they serve food, but they showed the girls eating? They have NEVER shown, or served for that matter, food at the socials on ABC's the Bachelor. What's next, their "fantasy dates" at McDonalds? I can't believe Emme is okay with how the show turned out. Let's hope it gets better.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I am My Own Worst Enemy

My husband and I went to a Jason Mraz concert tonight, and I couldn't help but be moved when he said:

"You can have anything you want at anytime."

It Worked Out Great!

Thanks for all of your well-wishes everyone! The evening turned out to be just fine, and I actually really enjoyed the performance. We saw The Sound of Music, it was wonderful!

When my friend and I first arrived at our row, I noticed another lady in her party was sitting towards the end and I was thinking, oh good- she'll scoot in and I will have the end seat! But, she stood up to let us by. The other lady claimed that she was going to take up three seats because she wanted leg room. Did she notice I needed a$$ room? :)

As it turned out, nobody sat to the right of me, so I was able to lean away from my friend. I prayed a few times in my head, thank you God, thank you God, thank you God....

I couldn't cross my legs or move around, but I was perfectly comfortable. Phew!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

So Worried...

My friend invited me to attend a Broadway production with her this evening, and I am absolutely panic stricken! I am SO afraid that I won't fit comfortably in the seats and that I will be "spilling" over into the seats next to me. I HATE this! These are the times where you hit yourself in the head with a frying pan for not having lost weight yet.

Please pray that I get through this evening with my dignity intact and that I actually enjoy the show!

Saturday, July 25, 2009

What's The BIG Deal?

Okay, so have you seen advertisements for Fox's new show More to Love hosted by Emme? I would love to know what all of you think about it.

Good idea? Why? Why not?

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Lawn Chairs and Breastmilk

Now, how's that for a post title?!

Yesterday the boys and I were invited to a "pool party". One of my friends had a few other gals and our kiddos come over for sprinkler fun in her back yard. While I was getting the boys ready to leave, a thought hit me like a thunderbolt. "Oh no! She is probably going to have folding lawn chairs to sit on!". Unfortunately, my fears came true. Once we got there I couldn't help but notice four strategically placed lawn chairs that donned seating areas about 14 inches wide made out of weathered fabric. Oh good, not only are they small, but the fabric is already all dry rotted! Let's see, let's see..... hmmmmm..... how am I going to avoid sitting down? All of the other ladies were already sitting down next to one another enjoying conversation when one of them dropped the bomb, "Sit down right here and come chat with us". Great, so now if I don't sit down it's because I don't want to "chat".

Thinking like a stressed out Mommy (that isn't hard to do), I quickly told them that I wasn't even going to bother sitting down because as soon as I did, one of the boys would need me. So, I might as well just stand up and prepare myself to run around. Did they buy it? Maybe. Maybe not. But I got some weird expressions. To top it off, one of the gals who probably weighs around 110, announced that she felt like her chair was going to break. Ha!

Switching noodles-
On my way home I decided to go ahead and pick up the prescription for my new anti-depressant. My best friend so kindly convinced me that I was worth the $60. Before my doctor's office called it in, they told me that it should be just fine to continue nursing my one year old off and on while taking this medication. So, I forked over the $60 and read the patient information sheet once I got home. And there it was. In BIG, BOLD letters: DO NOT BREASTFEED WHILE TAKING THIS MEDICATION. Oh great. Thanks Doc! Men.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

My Husband is so Cute...

Tonight at dinner, my husband looked at me and said something very cute, but I couldn't understand him at first because the restaurant was noisy.

Hubby: So, when the van is paying....
Me: WHAT!?
Hubby: So, when the band is praying...
Me: WHAT!? I CAN'T hear you! Our van is praying?!
Hubby: (poor guy) When. your. band. is. playing...what will you eat when we come here?
Me: When my band is playing? Is that going to be your code for when I am banded?
Hubby: Yes.

I love him.

On another note, I contacted a surgery center in Monterrey, Mexico following several wonderful referrals to Dr. Rumbaut. I was so impressed with his US contact, Cathy, that I was all prepared to schedule my surgery, apply for my passport and arrange airfare. However, my husband asked for me to call BCBS ONE more time and talk to them about our policy covering it.

And guess what? They DO cover the procedure. Now, how stupid do I feel? We will still have to pay quite a bit out of pocket because our plan is not that wonderful, but it is still better than $21,000!!! My fear now is that we will have to wait for a year or two while jumping through a bunch of hoops to satisfy BCBS all the while paying obscene rates which will eventually pay for the surgery anyways!

If I went to Mexico, $7,900 would cover everything and the surgery could take place as soon as I am ready. Like now. But here in the US, I have heard that it takes substantially longer. So, I am waiting to hear back from my local surgeon after they have worked a bit with my insurance.

I am starting to feel extremely anxious. But, my husband has been uber supportive which is just wonderful. There is nothing worse than trying to make a life changing decision and your loved one not being on board.

Now all I have to do is mentally prepare myself for if the time comes that I have to tell my parents that their "little girl" is traveling to MEXICO for surgery!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Do You Have $20,100 I Can Borrow?

I got in touch with my local bariatric surgeon's office today and discussed briefly what the fee schedule would be for a cash-pay patient for the Lap-band procedure. Hoping for a reduced rate, compared to what they might charge health insurance companies, I held my breath waiting for the information.

Here is the breakdown:

Surgeon: $5,000 (not bad, not bad...I can swing this...breathe)
Anesthesiologist: $1,600 (ouch, okay...we can do this...breathe)
Hospital fee: $13,500 (ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!? GASP)
Grand Total: $20,100

Why on earth would the hospital be so darn expensive? Even if the surgeon had reduced rates, the hospital doesn't give a fart and won't budge an inch. The lady at the surgeon's office told me that they have made special requests in the past only to be denied.

What irritates me majorly about this is the fact that IF my BCBS DID pay for such a procedure, the hospital would be lucky to see $3,000 of it once the contracted rate had been paid. Why are cash paying patients punished!? I hate it! You think I could march in there and say, " Look, BCBS would only pay you $3,000, BUT it's your lucky day because I am willing to pay you $3,500 if you are interested". Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way.

Mexico anyone? I never did go on a Spring Break fling.

Hurt Feelings

So this morning I can't help but feel saddened. I am in the process of making a terribly hard decision. One that undoubtedly will change my life forever. The change ahead could be wonderfully healthy or tragically flawed. I DO NOT know what lies ahead.

I lay in bed at night and echos of my friend's and family's voices fill my head with, "Ah Lynn, why don't you just eat less and exercise more!?". I would love to have an answer for them, but after 25+ years of absolute self hatred and madness, I am terrified to "try one more time" only to fail again.

I am tired of doing well for three days and then shoving my finger down my throat because I ate something I wasn't supposed to. I have tried numerous diets, counseling, medication....etc. in the past and I have failed. It is this fear of failure, yet again, that has led me to consider the Lap-band surgery.

It is NOT that I am weak, or taking the easy way out. It is merely a tool that I have not tried yet- a last resort if you will. Some people are understandably upset about my consideration -after all, I haven't gone under the knife just yet- and I have no problem with hearing others' words of disappointment. Trust me, I am disappointed in myself that I have even had to consider this option. But, why would care about me any less? Why am I all of a sudden not of interest to you? Does my story and struggle no longer exist? If you don't want to keep up with my continuing battle with my ill health, then that is fine. But, please don't make me feel any worse than I do. I understand that some people might feel frustrated...think I am a dumb little girl...but, just because you have lost weight successfully the old fashioned way, doesn't mean that I can or that you can magically do it for me.

I have a past as well, and while I might not be able to blame a terrible molestation experience on my situation, I am still left to struggle with what I have been doing to myself for over two decades. Can I dare risk struggling for 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 13 more years? Can I risk that I won't be here for my boys when I die of a heart attack at the age of 39?

If someone has a magic globe out there, please let me know. But until then, I am going to trudge along reading all of your stories for continuing inspiration while I also explore all of my options. I hope you can all understand. I look up to all of you in all different ways...some of you are father figures...some of you mothers....some of you the best friend that will never turn your back...and I thank each and every one of you for being patient with me. I can only hope that I will continue to find non-judgmental support.

I just want to add one more thing. When I thought I had finally "gotten it" last summer I too felt bad for those who hadn't yet "gotten it". I remember looking at overweight individuals and feeling bad for them. I wanted them to feel how wonderful it feels to lose weight- how easy it was for me now. If they would just give it a try- Something had clicked and it felt wonderful. Food wasn't my crutch anymore for some reason and I had successfully lost 35 pounds. It felt wonderful! Then, unexpectedly.... well, you know the rest. Can I keep going in circles?

Monday, July 20, 2009


When I woke up this morning, I felt like a different person. I noticed I was more patient with my children, I was singing, and for once felt optimistic about things. But unfortunately, things went downhill from there. It's amazing how irritating small hiccups along the way can be when you are feeling poorly about yourself...and life for that matter.

I ended up on the phone with Vonage for over 5 hours today. Seriously, 5 hours! So for 5 hours, my poor 1 and 3 year olds were given the cold shoulder while the Vonage reps tried their best to give me a heart attack. I was almost certifiable by the time I got off the phone with them. It ended up taking them another 3 hours to fix the problem. All just to add a line- somthing that should have taken 5 minutes. I digress.

I am trying to feel good about myself and my decision, but the fact that my insurance will not pay for the procedure has really put a burden on my decision and my interaction with my poor hubby. I can tell he wants so badly to be supportive, but deep down inside I can tell he doesn't think we can swing it. I also found out today that my new anti-depressant costs over $60 a month! So, I am afraid to risk trying a new prescription in case it doesn't work for me. I am currently taking Wellbutrin, but it has contributed to my anger and out the window it goes!

I am sure you all can relate- sometimes when it seems like you can finally start feeling better about yourself and things around you- you run into more bumps in the road. I just get so tired of feeling like I am constantly treading water just to keep my head above the surface. I want so badly to give life my all!!!

I appreciate everyone's supportive comments about my proceeding to look into the Lap-band procedure. Thank you! And thank you to the people who have so graciously, and generously, decided to support me on this endeavor by helping me get closer to my goal.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Why I Have Decided to Undergo the Lap-Band Procedure

I realize that with any decision to undergo bariatric surgery comes a whole host of reservations and judgment. I have decided that bariatric surgery is a highly personal decision and that it takes a great deal of strength to make it.

After fighting with my weight for more than 25 years, I have decided that I have no more time to waste. I have two young boys, and I need to save myself for them, my husband and most importantly for me. I am facing a future of obesity related cancers and heart disease and the idea of leaving my family early terrifies me.

I have decided that the Lap-Band procedure will provide me with one small piece of the puzzle and with proper counseling, nutrition and exercise, I will uncover a new me. I need to be healthy and active for my family. I want to be able to participate in my favorite activities comfortably. I want to fly freely, without fear of not fitting in the seat. I want to hike, bike, camp, canoe, run, go to amusement parks, go to the beach and most importantly live. I am tired of turning down all invitations to social gatherings in fear of being seen.

I have hidden behind walls for too long. It is time for me to break free and do something for myself.

Thank you so much for reading my story and for your consideration to help me. I am truly blessed in many aspects of my life and I am so grateful to have all of you. THANK YOU!!!

If you cannot help financially, that is okay. Please know that your supportive comments are always welcomed.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Days 8, 9,10 & 11....I think...I've Lost Count (With Pictures!!! Oh Goody)

Well, for the most part, things have been going pretty well. One bad thing is that my back has still been bothering me, so I haven't been able to get in any exercise, which might explain how I have actually GAINED 2 pounds. Seriously!? Seriously.

I have been giving this low carb my all- keeping my carbs around 35 grams per day and the scale is moving up. I have decided that I am going to stick with it while I start exercising and see what happens. It looks like I am going to have to also start counting my calories which I REALLY didn't want to have to do. When I count calories I totally obsess and usually end up starving myself and practicing my good'ole bulimic habits. Hate. it.

I plan on doing at least 30 minutes on the elliptical tonight so hopefully this will get things moving in the right direction.

And for my motivational entertainment.......... (I have NO idea why I had that horrible, disgusted look on my face. Maybe it was the sun?)

I feel so disgustingly ugly in these pictures, I can't even stand it. I don't even recognize THIS
person. Who is this?

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Days 5, 6 & 7 of Low Carb

My best friend came for a visit on Friday, so I haven't been able to update my progress with my "new eating plan". For the most part, things are going well. However, my best friend is also my old eating buddy. So, I had quite a few chances to blow it, big time.

Instead of eating like crazy the WHOLE time she was here, I think I did pretty well. I strayed away from the low carb plan for a whopping serving of chocolate cake, french toast, and several cookies. BUT, I stayed away from french fries, milk shakes and Dr. Peppers (DPs are the love of my life and are always knocking on my front door) and that is actually a victory for me believe it or not.

My husband and I decided that Sundays are going to be our "eat what we want days" so I helped myself to a serving of Cinnabon for breakfast and CiCi's for dinner with a sundae from Dairy Queen to top it all off. We start again tomorrow with no more than 35 carbs per day.

Instead of beating myself up for my apparent weakness over the course of the weekend, I am trying to realize that I could have done MUCH more damage and I need to feel grateful for any improvement. On the plus side (or minus) I've lost another pound even with my obvious indulgence. So, maybe there is something to be said for restricting certain days of the week and then indulging one day to help reset your metabolism.

On another note, I have decided that I need to speak with a counselor. I have known for a while now, that I really need to be talking with someone, but the time has come for me to get my hiney in gear and make an appointment. I am feeling nervous though about reaching out to the woman in my life for a referral. Wish me luck.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Day 4 of Low Carb Eating

First, the good news: I am down to 284 from 290 on the fourth morning of eating low carb.

The bad news?

Well, if having a summer cold, a herniated disc and no AC wasn't enough, my husband just told me that one of our credit card companies just raised our interest rate from 7% to 35% just because they can. Isn't that lovely? So, in addition to coming up with an extra $5,000 for our new AC unit, we have to come up with another $500 a month to compensate for the rate increase. I can't believe this is actually legal! Advanta is the company, but apparently they went under and some "other" company is now handling the accounts. My husband said that the representative barely spoke English, and that he just kept repeating the same thing over and over again. The government regulates everything- but who in the heck is regulating this! We are just a typical American family fighting hard to make ends meet, and this is what we get. We're moving!!!

Okay, rant over.

But, I can't tell you how delicious a plate of carbs sounds right about now. I think I will go take a nap instead.

Apparently there is a new law signed by Obama that states that credit card companies cannot raise rates unless a consumer is OVER 60 days late for a payment. BUT, the law doesn't come into effect until February, so credit card companies are scrambling NOW to raise all the rates before they are no longer able to do so. B@stards. So, watch out!!!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Day Three of Low Carb- GRUMPY!

Well, I have heard that eating low carb can cause mood swings, but I am out of control! My poor husband. He is probably outside plotting our divorce this very minute. ;)

We decided to eat at Long Horn tonight and I ordered prime rib with steamed veggies. Unfortunately, my dinner is now sitting in the fridge because my one year old refused to sit still at the restaurant for one more second. Also, there will be no exercise for me, yet again, because I irritated my slipped disc this morning- Ouch! I am having all I can do to not take my prescribed narcotics. Even though my dear husband is a Chiropractor, there isn't much he can do for this. And to top it all off, it's my TOM. Joy.

Some other bad news today, our air conditioning unit is DEAD. As in will not work. AND, it was almost 94 degrees here in the southeast today. So to pass some of the day, I ran a few errands with the boys to stay out of the house. We have all the fans running and blinds closed, so we should be good for a while. It is going to cost us close to $5,000 to replace it. And lets face it folks, nowadays people just don't have an extra 5 grand sitting around. I have a small shop on ETSY, but I am afraid that it will take me 10 years to make that much! :)

Hope you are all well, and I look forward to sitting down and catching up with all of you.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Day 2 of Low Carb- Feeling Good so Far!

Today was our second day of low carb eating, my husband is doing it with me, which is very helpful. Even though he doesn't really need to lose weight, it helps if we both eat the same things. I hate having to prepare totally different meals for the family.

I don't feel deprived at all...yet. We have discovered delicious spicy soy and flax seed torilla chips from Trader Joe's that are super, super yum and only have 6 carbs per serving and are packed full of fiber and protein. AND, they actually fill me up! In addition to that, to help with my sweet cravings, we have found that Atkins makes a to-die-for chocolate and coconut bar (that tastes just like the Mounds candybar) and only has 3 net carbs and Breyers makes a low carb ice cream that tastes better than the original. Seriously.

The scale showed a five pound loss from 290 to 285 in one day. BUT, I could tell I lost a ton of water. I am interested to see what the scale says tomorrow. I plan on following a low carb meal plan until I shed a few pounds and start to feel better about myself. After that I want to go back to following a low calorie sensible diet and once my feet don't hurt so bad from gaining 40 pounds overnight, I hope to start pounding the pavement.

Switching noodles- I was at Target today with my boys and while heading towards the exit, we passed a woman. My three year old son turns to me and says, "That was a lady Mommy. She was a small lady and you're a big lady". I simply said, "Thanks for the observation honey". *SIGH* We can always count on our kids for brutal honesty can't we.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Wait! Stop! You're going the wrong way!!!

Or is that WEIGHT stop, you're going the wrong way. Instead of my scale moving down, down, down, I have successfully put ALL my lost weight back on and then some. I have managed to go from 253 all the way back up to 290. I started my serious weight loss attempts over a year ago at 288.

In addition to ridiculous depression, which I am on meds for now, I have absolutely no energy. It's horrible. I am usually the big person who surprises people with my energy and can keep up no problem. BUT, last night while shopping in Wal*Mart (I hate that place), I found myself winded and experiencing muscle fatigue walking quickly across the store.

I have decided to give low-carb a try. Today was my first day and I was successful. I can't tell you how badly I want a crunchy snack or a sweet, declicious cookie, but besides surgery I just don't know what else to do.

Has anyone been successful at losing a good deal of weight eating low carb? I am at my wits end. I want out of this body- one way or another.