Friday, April 24, 2009


Well, I keep creeping on up the scale. After whats seems like a snap, but really almost a WHOLE year! I am starting ALL OVER AGAIN. This time with a starting weight of 276.6. I have quite a ways to go, but I have reached my limits again.

I find it so interesting how looking back over the past year, all I remember is how wonderful it felt to lose weight, and how awful and defeating it felt to gain. You know what I don't remember however? The food that I just had to eat.

So, why is it that if food makes us feel so "good", we wouldn't remember all of those wonderful temporary "highs"? I can't remember a single morsel that tasted better than losing weight feels. So, why wouldn't I choose to continue to feel good by losing weight?

It just doesn't make any sense.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Well, I Finally Did it

Yesterday was the day for my MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) meeting, and even though I still did not feel like socializing, the idea of sitting down for two hours while someone else cared for my boys sounded immensely appealing.

After dropping my boys off at the nursery, I headed on upstairs and prepared myself to socialize and plastered on a fake smiley face. I found my seat and placed my belongings down. When I hung my purse on the chair, I realized it felt a little loosey-goosey. "Great", I thought to myself, "I hope I don't break this chair".

Well, guess what!? After years and years of surviving through one of my greatest fears, I failed to continue that survival trend. In front of 40+ women (who are all quite thin- it's the area I live in, remember!?) I decided to take my seat. And take my seat I did, almost right down to the floor. When I sat down there was a cracking noise and I fell to the left. The woman on my right threw her arms out in an effort to "catch" me. To say I was humiliated doesn't properly portray the moment. What was I supposed to do, stand up and proclaim, "It was already broken, I promise!". I could have just died.

On my way to church for the MOPS meeting, I was reflecting on my life over the past week, and thinking about how I have managed to pack on 6 pounds in only 7 days. I was wondering to myself how I was going to stop my weight from spiraling out of control. I have been eating over my miscarriage, and I wasn't sure what was going to stop me.

Now, I am not one to think that the LORD reaps any benefit or joy out of embarrassing one of his children, but he sure did set me straight yesterday. When my chair broke I immediately thought to myself, "Oh, so this is how I am going to stop LORD. I see".

Monday, April 13, 2009

Just Get Over it Already

I have definitely secluded myself these past few days, and now it is to the point where I don't even want to answer the phone anymore.

I just can't stand the fact that everyone either completely ignores what happened, or they say the stupidest things. We spent yesterday with my in-laws and my MIL kept talking about all of the ladies in her life who had just had babies. SERIOUSLY? Can people be anymore insensitive? I sat through Easter service yesterday morning only to cry uncontrollably (quietly) through the whole thing :cry:. I couldn't stop the tears rolling down my face. My MIL and husband ignored me the whole time...not so much as a tissue or a holding hand.

I asked my MIL if she could watch my boys for me while I went to my midwives to ensure I didn't need a D&C and she acted like it would be a huge inconvenience (she doesn't even have a job!) and she never answered me. Am I asking too much to hear a, "Sure, no problem. I will help out anyway possible".

My own mother keeps telling me to, "Move on Honey. You need to stop thinking about it. You are bringing this on yourself right now Honey because you won't let it go". Does she honestly think I can just "stop thinking about it" when every few hours I am reminded when I go to the bathroom? How can I forget when I am still feeling the pain of my MC that happened less than a week ago?

I realize the people who I am referring to have never suffered a MC and obviously don't understand. But, I don't understand how everyone can expect me to "get over it".

I am sorry that this post seems so angry. I may be taking my pain out on the others around me.

Friday, April 10, 2009


So now that my hormones have plummeted since my pregnancy ended I have been experiencing what feels like the post-partum blues. I am an absolute mess...headaches, cramps, horrible snappy mood swings and my husband doesn't get it!

I asked him if he felt sad at all, and his reply was "Uh, nope, not really". He is completely "over it". Which leaves me to feel like I have to mourn on my own. I realize it might seem silly to "mourn" since my pregnancy lasted all of 6 weeks, but I can't control a lot of how I am feeling because of these darn hormones! AND, knowing that I was pregnant, even though for so little time, I had plenty of time to plan, hope and dream for so much.

At lunch time yesterday he told me that he had already told a few of his friends and patients that I was pregnant. When I asked him what he was going to tell them he said, "I am just going to tell them that just had a weird menstrual cycle and that you were never pregnant." I asked him if that was what HE thought, and he said "Yes, I don't think you were ever pregnant. I think you were just seeing things [the positive test]". So, now instead of receiving support from my OWN freak'in husband, he is in turn going to tell everyone that I am a complete looney by making me sound like a liar.

I just can't get over how insensitive he is being. He actually thinks I was never even I made up the whole blasted story or something!!! I have to go in for an appointment with my midwife next week to make sure I don't need a D&C which I am NOT looking forward to.

Oh, and one more thing, my husband has actually had the nerve to harp on me today about losing weight so we can save money on health and life insurance. He is so in the doghouse.

I am just so angry today. I can't stand it! I think I am going to end up in the nuthouse right next to my husband's doghouse.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


I can't help but feel a little somber today and I was hoping by writing this post I can get past this and move on.

I found out I was pregnant for the third time about 6 days ago. Although I was in complete disbelief, I couldn't help but be overcome with joy and excitement. We were going to have a third baby! Hopefully a girl this time. I laid in bed at night running through baby names and the thought of bringing home another precious little one.

Unfortunately, my pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 2:00am this morning. I had been spotting and cramping off and on, but I was reassured that spotting and cramping are normal in the early stages of pregnancy. But there was just this feeling deep down inside that I just could not shake. I kept worrying about miscarrying, but at the same time I was sure that the pregnancy would carry on normally yielding a healthy baby.

So, I am feeling a bit confused, sad and angry today and all I want to do is eat, Eat, and EAT some more. If there is one time in my life where food is not a focus, it is when I am pregnant. I was looking forward to settling into the next 9 months or so with a clear head. I just wish I could figure out how to feel that way without being pregnant.

I was telling a friend that when I am pregnant, I feel that I have a "good excuse" to eat whatever I want, and because of this I don't desire to overeat. BUT, when I feel like I don't have an "excuse" I hide what I eat and can't eat enough. The mentality behind this is just weird. Basically all of the pressure to eat less and lose weight is completely gone when I am pregnant.

So....moving right along. Just another day.

***I was thinking this would be just like any other day, but this has proven to be quite a bit to handle for me. I had no idea, when my pregnancy was threatened, that it would be this painful.

Friday, April 3, 2009


Well, I am a complete jewelry nut and I have decided to buy and sell jewelry as a way to help contribute to our household income. I am super excited about this new venture, but also extremely nervous that it will flop. It seems like most things I have tried in life have led to failure. (Great attitude, huh!?)

I am going to primarily sell on Ebay and Craigslist, but I would love to one day branch out to a kiosk in our local mall (high hopes, I know). BUT, there are a few wonderful things that are going to come out of this new, crazy idea of mine.

For starters, I love to obsess. Surely you are not surprised by that, but this new idea has provided a wonderful distraction from my addiction to food. Instead of day dreaming about my next snack, I am feverishly searching online for jewelry.

And instead of buying further into debt, I can buy to help pull us out! It's a win-win situation. I get to shop for jewelry, buy it, drool over it once I have it in my hot little hands and then once I am over it, sell it!!!

With any luck, I will sell tons of stuff and I will be WAY to busy to think about over eating. I will become so rich that I will be able to afford a personal chef and ALL of my problems will melt away along with all of my extra fat. Oh wait, sorry I just pinched myself and woke up.

We can all dream, can't we?