Friday, August 29, 2008

Hallelujah, Hallelujah...FINALLY!!!

Thank you LORD! After struggling this WHOLE month just to lose 3 pounds, I finally made it. 25 pounds lost, finally! Woo-hoo! I so needed this today, giving up had started looking mighty appealing. I wasn't expecting the miracle this morning because when I weighed last night (I like to try to guess what it will be in the morning) the scale showed 269. So, I guess all the water I chugged after my bike ride last night kept the number high.

I am going to wear a perma-smile ALL DAY. :)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go download a new HYC button. YAY!

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. I am severely obese today. No longer morbidly obese. That sounds so much better!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Today's Laugh

I just read a friend's blog in which she goes on to say that their health insurance rate is $10 higher than they were expecting. The reason? Because her husband is 10 pounds underweight. Damned if you do, damned if you don't!!!

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Obsession 101

I have blogged several times before expressing my dismay when it came to my recent obsessing over what I eat. A wave of irritation came over me yesterday, and I couldn't help but feel fed up with having to work on my weight loss so darn hard. I thought about how much easier it would be to just accept myself the way I am, and to eat whatever and whenever I want. It is so much easier then counting calories, trying to burn off what I DO eat, and obsessing about what I will eat for the next meal. The brain work that goes into this is tremendous.

But, let me tell you. This thought of mine was very short lived. My thinking was quickly diverted into remembering how things were for me "before". I remembered how when I was eating and living unhealthy, I was still obsessing. I obsessed about what I was going to eat next, how much of it I could eat, and who would know. I obsessed about how fat and miserable I was and how I was such a failure. I obsessed about how my husband must be grossed out by me. I obsessed about how I was going to die early and miss out on my grandchildren and how angry my children would be at me for not taking better care of myself. I obsessed about never being able to go to the pool, skiing, horseback riding, amusement parks, to try on clothes or be seen in public PERIOD without feeling terribly uncomfortable in my own skin. I worried about what chair I could fit into, and how I hoped I wouldn't break it. You name it, I obsessed about it.

It is so clear, even when I am tempted to fall back into my old behaviors, that my obsessions are healthy obsessions now. I would much rather worry about what I am going to eat and making sure it is low in calories and healthy than having to worry about all the things I used to worry about. I would much rather obsess about something that will yield a healthy result, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

I Lost 100 Lbs. in Two Seconds!

Want to know the secret to my amazing 100 lb. weight loss in two seconds? Simply weigh yourself in your closet! Yup, that's right folks, weigh yourself on your carpeted closet floor, and miraculously enough, you will lose 100+ pounds! ;)

My husband and I couldn't decide where to put "our" (MY!) new scale, so I decided to store it in our closet to keep it away from moisture and our little ones. While I was placing it down on the floor, I decided to give it a whirl. And guess what?! I weighed only 165 lbs! Amazing, I know. So, from now on, I told my husband, I will be weighing myself in our closet. I like those numbers much, Much, MUCH better.

When we first got the scale, my husband told me that it doesn't work. He said that the reason I like it is because it registers 8 lbs less. Oh, not true my love. I wish though. So interestingly enough our new scale is wrong for him, but our old scale is wrong for me. Weird.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Smelling the Roses

I can't help but feel like for every step I take in the right direction, I also take two steps back. Over the past few months, I have lost weight, made better and healthier decisions about food and worked on changing my food and weight mentality. However, I have also slipped back into a cycle of stress, anxiety and depression.
I feel as though I have cinder blocks strapped to my feet holding me back whenever a small part of me wants so badly to move ahead quickly. I just put my baby to bed, and while I was nursing him I was struck with a wave of fear about how much further I have to go. I have at least 65 pounds to lose before I even get to declare residency in Onederland. I am trying so hard to focus on how far I have come, but I am so impatient by nature. I am severely Type "A". I feel so flustered when there is nothing at all to be feeling flustered about. So, my point here is having a "task" that I cannot complete NOW or in a timely manner really seems to stress me out. I want very much to enjoy this journey and smell the roses along the way. I just don't know how to change who I am by nature to make that possible. I know, and keep telling myself, that "slow and steady wins the race". I just need to start trusting that.

HYC Check-In

I am feeling okay, but I would just love to start losing again. I have been holding nice and steady for a while now. I saw a little bit of a loss this morning, but I haven't gone below my last lowest yet. Frustrating! I could be eating better and snacking a bit less, but my calories seem to be right on check, so I must be doing something wrong. I hope next week brings a definitive display of some new bling-bling!

Friday, August 15, 2008

The Warm Fuzzies

After my last honesty post, I have come to a major realization. It wasn't hard at all to confess my weight loss wrong doing because this one felt different for me somehow. I have talked with my friend Kate many times about how while on the way to a binge, we won't call one another in fear of actually being talked out of our quest. Once I have the idea in my head, I don't want anyone knowing about it until it's all over. It's so much more fun to bitch about guilt than to be told that I should go for a walk or eat an apple instead. So time for my realization.

After my 1,200 calorie binge yesterday I realized that I felt no sense of "relief". I didn't feel all warm, fuzzy and numb. It seemed as though my "good friend" had failed me. Every bite was disgusting and I told myself the whole time how this just wasn't doing it for me anymore. This is huge for me because once I had eaten all that sugary poison, I couldn't help but feel an ingraining into my brain that binging is NOT worth it anymore.

It appears as though I have made concrete strides towards my effort to change myself permanently this time. My old self is tempted to over indulge, but my healthier, weight losing self seems to really understand this time that food is not the answer. This is HUGE for me folks. I just hope that this sunny thought will shed light on any future clouds of bad judgment.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

We're Here to be Honest, Right?

I must confess, I am just bursting at the seams to spill all (can you sense my facetiousness ?) about my daily caloric intake. I started the day off with a bang and continued to do well until this afternoon. My two year old decided not to take a nap, so instead of laying in my bed (trying to sleep) and listening to him talk over the monitor, I decided it would be a great idea to go downstairs and eat! So guess what my food of choice was...

For some reason I chose to consume 1,200 calories worth of 100 calorie swiss chocolate rolls. Smart! I am so darn proud of myself!!! (Again, more facetiousness)

I didn't get to eat dinner, and I just went for a walk. Tomorrow is a new day and besides, all the swiss rolls have all been eaten, so I don't have to worry about them anymore. I took care of that little problem.

Don't worry or lecture please, I don't plan on having swiss rolls in the house anymore. I am such a dork!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The Heebie-Jeebies

The other night I was laying in bed thinking about how hard I have worked for a 25 lb. loss. It dawned on me that after working tediously for months and months to achieve my goal weight, I could put it all right back on in the blink of an eye. That's when the fear struck. Wouldn't it be so much easier to just eat what I want, whenever I want? It gives me the heebie-jeebies to think about continuing to work so hard, only to end up right back where I started.

Do any of you fear this? I am reminded by my dear friend, Kate, that fear is not from God, so I need to send it right back to the A-hole who sent it to me, thank you very much. I compare it to working your butt off at work for several years only to be told by your superior that you may or may not be receiving that raise you were promised for all your hard work. With no guarantees, I am feeling heebie-jeebed out big time.

After I tossed around these depressing thoughts for a while, I was pleasantly distracted by some thoughts of my recent NSVs. The other day my friend came for a visit, and within 10-15 minutes or so, I noticed she looked me up and down. Fearing that she was just judging me like the rest, I cringed thinking about her looking at me. But, instead I received a nice NSV, Wow, Lynn you are looking really, really good. You've lost weight, a lot of weight, haven't you?". I couldn't help but wear a perma-smile for a few seconds, I felt silly because I couldn't wipe the grin off my face.
Later that same day, my mom arrived for her visit. My mother, who always means well, is the first to tell me how heavy I am and how I need to start taking care of myself. I was nervously anticipating her noticing my weight loss when again, within 10-15 minutes of her arrival, I heard it, "Lynn, you look wonderful Honey, have you lost weight? It is so nice to see you finally start taking care of yourself". BUT, like most moms, she couldn't and wouldn't stop there. She continued to say, "I told you that you needed to start taking care of yourself...didn't I tell you? See...see...". Um, see what? That you are taking credit for the last three months of me working my a** off??? It made me chuckle on the inside to hear her take credit for my hard work and devotion. If she only knew. She is half my size, and the mother of four by the way. She works hard for her figure though. She walks about 5 miles or so a day and always has for as long as I can remember. I have NEVER seen her eat a candy bar or eat any other junk food. She is the kind of woman who orders her dressing on the side and gingerly dips a fork-full of lettuce into a drop of dressing. I guess I never really took notes from her while I was growing up. I much preferred to eat like my Dad I guess! :)

My bonus NSV of the century however, came from my dear husband. My husband is the kind of man who cannot show his emotions and he has a horrible time expressing any kind of affection. So, the things that come out of his mouth always mean the most. He was waiting for me in the car of the Wal*Mart parking lot the other day while I ran in for something. Once I returned, he turned to me and said, "Hey Baby, want'a wrestle?". So romantic, I know. However, the great part about that was I haven't heard that question since we were both in college 8 years ago! I can only assume he saw something in me that he liked as I was walking across the parking lot. Woo-hoo!!!

These NSVs and all of you and your encouragement are exactly what I need to keep on trucking along this sometimes treacherous journey. Thank you all so much for your continuing support!

All Swirly

My head seems to be swirling lately. There just seems to be so much going on. I haven't left our house since Saturday because my baby has been running a high fever. And now, my two year old and I are starting to feel poopie.
Speaking of poopie, while working on potty training my son, he accidentally smeared a little goodness onto our bed, so when I was desperate to go to bed at 8:00 last night, I couldn't because the bedding was still in the dryer. I finally made it to bed at 11:30 last night because my baby is cutting teeth and he refused to nurse. So needless to say, after an hour or so of trying to pump (which didn't work, I had to thaw so frozen milk), the baby finally drank a bottle and went off to sleep. Wow, that was a serious mental sidetrack, sorry about that.

Because I have been feeling all swirly, my food has been lack luster. I am hoping that I will be able to establish a firm grasp on my food today. Besides, I will be so busy today trying to find some milk for my son, that I shouldn't even have time to worry about feeding myself. Which leads me to my question... if my breasts won't let down to the pump, and my baby won't eat, how in the heck do I get out of this pickle?

Again, I am sorry to bring that back up, but that is what I am facing right now. Uh, it's going to be a long day.

I hope you are all doing well.

Oh, and on another side note, my cousin got attacked by a shark a few days ago while swimming off the coast of Florida. His legs are a mess. He was only chest deep. I will NEVER swim in the ocean again.

UPDATE: My baby has Roseola...that would help explain the stress in our household these past few days.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Sunday Blues

My scale was finally delivered on Friday, but my Mother is here for a visit, and I haven't really had the chance to play with it yet. I do know, however, that I am not worthy of a new 25 lbs. lost bling quite yet.

My food has been fine since my Mom arrived and we have even been exercising. So, I hope that I will continue to do well once she leaves. For some reason, I have noticed in the past that when visiting family leaves, I start to get the munchies, probably due to feeling blue I would guess. I am very close to my Mom, and I hate to see her go today. She is extremely helpful around the house. She does my laundry (folds and puts away!), goes grocery shopping, and loves to take over the care of my little ones. She rocks! I have been pleading with her all morning not to leave, but the time has come. :(

One new NSV for me...I was able to wear a pair of capris, yesterday, that I haven't been able to wear. I bought them too small a few years ago hoping for some motivation. They could be a little more comfortable, but hey, I didn't have to suck in or lay down to get them buttoned! That works.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

I am Almost Severely Obese. YAY!

How funny is that title. I was treated to a nice weight loss this morning, thank you very much Mr. Scale. I have been riding out a very long plateau for about a month now. But, I am almost down to 262 lbs. at which I will no longer be morbidly obese, just severely obese. Now, doesn't that sound so much better! :)

I want that 25 lbs. lost button...tomorrow...darn it!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Oh, I'm Sorry, Sorry for Being Sorry, I'm Sorry

While I was riding my bike this evening, something happened that made me think about my success in my journey. I really think a mind shift needs to occur in me before I can fully commit 100% to finally taking care of myself.

I have always been a people pleaser. It is my nature to nurture and to ensure that everyone is happy. Even while attending someone else's get together, I will take on the roll of a hostess and make sure everyone has what they need. It's annoying. I guess I have just always wanted everyone to like me, so I try hard, too hard.

Tonight while riding my bike, I happened to pass a man walking his dog a few times and I smiled as I rode by. Upon passing him for the last time, his dog decided to lunge at me and almost knock my off my bike. I was riding downhill and going pretty quickly, and I freaked out! In the blink of an eye, and without thinking, I hollered out, "Whoa, sorry!". Sorry? What in the heck was I sorry for? The man didn't apologize for his dog, but darn it, how dare I ride my bike on the road.

During my husband's externship, we lived with his aunt and uncle. Several times during our stay, I was told by them if I were to apologize one more time, they were kicking me out. It really got on their nerves, but I couldn't help it! Apparently I am just sorry for my existence, and I need to change that. I always feel like I am in someone else's way, that I don't deserve to take up any space or dominate a conversation.

I talk fast, really fast, and most people can't understand me. I don't think it has anything to do with my birthplace being NY state, but I don't feel like I am important enough for people to have to stop and listen to me, so I blurt it out quickly as to save their time.

I really want and need to change my mentality surrounding my existence. I would love to finally feel important enough to talk to someone for more than 2 minutes at church, maybe they would actually get to know me and vice versa. I want to stop saying "yes" when I really want, and need, to say "no!".

My MIL often requests that I pick up groceries for her while I am out and about. Normally I wouldn't think twice about a helpful request, however, she visits at least 3-4 stores daily. She goes to every drug and grocery store within a few miles to use various coupons and stock up on sale items. I have two young children in tow, 8 months and 2 years. I am the last person she needs to be asking to pick up her stuff. She can get her own stuff. If anything, she should be calling me up and asking if she can grab something for me while she's out. But, what do I do? I call her while I am out to get her list, and I even deliver it to her house. And get this, if she doesn't like something or it is the wrong thing...I return it for her. Can I get anymore masochistic?

I need to start learning that I am important, and important enough that I need to start taking care of myself as well and as much as I care for others. My husband would tell me I need to grow some balls. I'm working on it...uh- hum, well not the balls part.

HYC Check-In

I am moving right along and looking forward to this week being one of my best yet!

Monday, August 4, 2008

Hair Stylist Poll

Okay, you lovely people are voting on my posted poll, which I greatly appreciate- thank you. However, I would LOVE to know your point of view. If you have the time to explain/argue your case, please leave me a comment. My head is really spinning with this one. THANKS A BUNCH!

(Basically, our hair stylist does all of our hair, and in return my husband provides free care at his office and I can't figure out if it is appropriate to tip or not.)

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Random Thoughts and Questions

  • Why is it that clothing designers think that:
    • we want to wear clothes that look like our grandmother's tapestries?
    • we don't already demand enough attention while overweight, so they design clothes with animal prints? Not to mention, bright pinks and faux fur.
    • it will boost our self-esteems, therefore boosting their sales, by making their sizes too small forcing us up one size? Does this make any sense? I don't know about you, but I sure am not going to buy more if I am feeling like an elephant.
    • horizontal stripes are thinning. No, no people, it's VERTICAL stripes. Geesh. I don't think I have ever seen a plus-size shirt with vertical stripes. Someone needs to tell them.
    • overweight people don't want to wear what is in style. Why can't they make the same clothes that are the latest and hottest trends but just a little larger for us?
  • It appears as though my mother-in-law only contributed to my new scale because she herself wants to use it. Sure, you give me $30, and I'll pay the rest so you can use it every time you come over, I get it. There is always a motive. The "generous" thought was nice while it lasted, I was actually flattered for a wee bit of time there. Silly me.
  • I am very excited about getting my scale. I stepped on one similar to mine at BB&B the other day, and it registered a nice low number of 255. It was wrong, but it still made me feel good! :)
  • Eating apples with peanut butter before going to bed will ensure that no weight loss will be displayed on the scale the following morning. I promise. It works EVERY time.
  • Why do people have to say, "You have such a pretty face". Why can't they just say, "You look pretty tonight"?
  • Why does it bother me so much when my MIL has to touch me where she is telling me I have lost weight. *CRINGE* Hands off lady!
  • My parents are finally coming for a visit this week. I am super excited! It has been almost three months since we have seen each other. That's a long time for us.
  • I want to go downstairs and eat right now, but I am going to go to bed instead. Good night!
  • I hope you are all doing well.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Updated Picture Post

It is kind of hard to see any difference when the pictures aren't side by side, but I can definitely see a difference in the width of my back, my hips and my arse!
Can you see a difference?
288 vs. 266 pounds
2.5 months into my journey