Saturday, July 16, 2011

I'm Back

I'm back, in two ways.

1. Back on my blog.


2. Back to my original starting weight.

Thank you to all of you who have written to check-in with me during these past few months. I'm sorry that I haven't been around to be supportive of your journeys.

I have found myself laying in bed late at night writing my next blog post- for the past TWO months. After starting to go up, Up, UP on the scale, I think there has been a part of me that was too embarrassed to get on here and admit failure. After all, I DID have weight-loss surgery. SURGERY! Sigh.

I wake-up EVERY morning vowing to start anew, but go to bed every night BEGGING our glorious LORD to please help me.

Besides my husband deciding to start a new career path, after putting almost 11 years of school into his current career, I really have no sources of new stress. Albeit, my husband's mid-life crisis (apparently he's not going to live past the age of 70) is definitely stressful, I SHOULD be able to manage my life efficiently, incorporating healthy eating and exercising into my schedule. How was THAT for a run-on sentence!?!?

After getting down to an all-time adult-low of 220, I am back up to 285. In less than 8 months! Is that even possible? Back in November, when my band had to be set free for a while, I decided to go on vacation with her. But instead of her returning after only a week away, she stayed away for two months due to my esophagus swelling to a dangerous size. It all went down hill from there. In that time, ALL of my old behaviors came tumbling back.

Around 260 pounds, my foot started hurting pretty badly, grounding me from jogging. Now, at 285, the podiatrist has said that the pads that are between my toes and the connection point to my foot- at the first MP joints- are torn. So, I am stuck in a catch 22. Exercising is extremely painful, so I HAVE to get some of this weight off to finally induce some healing.

My feet hurt. My knees hurt. I have fat rolls where I've never had fat rolls before. I am thoroughly depressed and discouraged. I am hot all of the time. I don't run and play with my boys anymore. I don't fit into cars comfortably. I don't enjoy my husband touching me again. I don't, I don't, I don't.

I need to start living my life again! Last summer, at 220 pounds, I felt like a whole new person! My life was so different in so many ways. If I listed all of the benefits of being at that healthier weight, I would be here at the computer for two weeks.

I have decided to contact a new surgeon on Monday in hopes that he will put some saline into my band (only after being fully informed about my history of course). At this point, I am willing to enlarge my esophagus if that means that I will live past the age of 45!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Moving Along

I am just kind of here. Not doing GREAT and not doing poorly. I might see a loss on the scale by a pound or two and then a gain of a pound or two. I'm just trying not to obsess.

So, that's me.

Hope you are all doing wonderful! Thanks for reading and for your support. I really need it.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Why is it that even though I try so damn hard, I keep going UP on the scale? I am going to throw her to the curb- we've had a seriously tumultuous relationship, and I seriously hate her right now.

She is in the bathroom right now, hiding behind the toilet like the coward she is, plotting how to dash my hopes and dreams tomorrow morning. I think she's worked a deal out with Satan & the Fat Fairy.

I haven't been completely "clean" when it comes to food, but I SURE AS HELL have not been eating enough to deserve the kind of gain that I have been seeing. I almost feel like I should at least be enjoying some seriously yummy, and bad for me food, to be blowing up like a freaking balloon. *SIGH* One or two rice krispy treats, or a medium Dr. Pepper here and there, should NOT be adding this kind of weight! A dozen doughnuts a day, I could see.

AND! Even if I was eating like I did BEFORE my surgery (all day, whatever I wanted), just adding my 400+ calorie burn workouts everyday should be yielding SOME results, no!?


Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Day One

Day one is almost to an end, and I feel skinnier already! ;)

My day?

Breakfast: one English muffin with a poached egg and a sprinkle of cheese
Lunch: Fish filet sandwich w/o bread
Snacks: TOO many cookies. :(
Dinner: Tuna with curry and TONS of baby lettuce and an apple
Exercise: 350 calories burned walking at 3.6 mph at an incline of 10

I did not have a PERFECT day, but what I DID have was a day full of MINDFUL eating, not just blindly going about. I actually have a deficit of 120 calories for the day- so, that works!

I Gained 18 Pounds Using My Treadmill!



Nope, I didn't write the post title wrong, unfortunately.

Since I bought my treadmill back in December, I have gained almost 20 pounds. AND, I have used my treadmill for a hefty 300-700 calorie burn almost every single day!

No, I am not going to sit here and tell you my sob story about how I am doing everything right; eating right, exercising daily, being nice to my neighbors... etc, and I just don't know WHY I am gaining!? Woo if me.

Okay, moving along. I am gaining because I am eating too much. Plain and simple. I am not eating too much of the "bad" things like ice cream, soda, cookies... but I am obviously doing something wrong. Could it be the sugar I am adding to my "healthy" strawberry smoothie in the mornings? Yup. Could it be the extra cheese I order on my "healthy" lunch at the Mexican restaurant? Yup. Could it be the extra miniature Peppermint Patty I eat at night? Yup.

I have become so good at convincing others that I am eating well, that I am now convincing myself! While sabotaging my life in the process. It's late here on the East Coast- it's well after midnight, and for a Mom who has been dealing with the stomach bug wreaking havoc on our laundry, our carpets, our public outings and OUR LIVES for over a week now, I should be sleeping.

I can't sleep right now. I can't sleep because I am suffering from heartburn and reflux. I am suffering from these things because of the loads of weight I have packed onto my poor body over the course of the last five months. I can feel my body panicking, pleading with my brain to "get control!" already. Laying in bed thinking about how my aches and pains are back- my feet hurt! my hips hurt! my knees hurt!, my reflux is back, my sleep apnea is back, I have no clothes that fit, my five year old is now asking me why I am "so tough?", his word for fat, and worst of all- I feel absolutely horrible about myself.

So, why would all of this be worth the 20 seconds it takes to enjoy one chocolate cookie? one small soda? one LARGE soda? one Christmas dinner? one special date night with my husband? just one more, just one more, just one more... I'll start again tomorrow.... I'll be good tomorrow... I deserve this... I'm tired.... I've been under a lot of stress lately... I'm happy... I'm sad.... You hurt my feelings...

Nothing, NOTHING is worth it. NOT ONE THING. Maybe except sparing the life of one of my children or even my husband, but we are talking about sparing MY life here. MY LIFE. ME.

Wow, talk about a heavy, unloading post here folks. But, it's been too long since I've posted, so long in fact that I almost forgot how to log in. I need to stay active amongst the rest of you, I need to hold myself accountable. I need your help.

Some of you noticed that I have been MIA lately, thank you so much for your thoughts. I appreciate ALL of you SO, SO much. Instead of running away and hiding when things get bad, I have to stay here, stay positive, and use this wonderful tool.

I'm going to sign off now- the leaning tower of Pisa, aka the family laundry pile, is on the guest bed next to me and making me want to go and eat. ;)

Until tomorrow my friends. Good night!!! Hope you are all doing well.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Interactive Health Partner

My awesome new treadmill comes with a USB port so I can download and sync my workouts with a program called, Interactive Health Partner. It's really neat stuff.

My treadmill counts and records the number of steps I take, calories burned and all sorts of cool stats per workout period. It's the Lifespan 1200i model and so far, even though I haven't used it, I love it! ;)

I plan on hopping on the beauty tomorrow morning, regardless of my respiratory health status. I'm just going to do it!

On a side note- I just changed my weight loss ticker to reflect my lengthy "Band Holiday". There are no excuses, but MAN, I am feeling crushed. Geez Louise. It's better than being UP 50 pounds from my starting weight though.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Chomping At The Bit

My treadmill was delivered several days ago. BUT, because I am STILL recovering from the flu, I haven't had a chance to use it yet.

I feel like a horse at the starting gate- I just want to GO, GO, GO!!!!!!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Shop Amazon???

This isn't spam- just a really good deal!!! :) Thought I would pass it along to my fellow bloggers.

Buy a $20 giftcard for for only $10!!!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

All is Calm, All is Bright

Well, there is light at the end of my tunnel folks. Phew.

My esophagus HAS healed, and my allergic symptoms (although still there) have faded as well. My surgeon highly doubts I have an allergy to the band. HUGE sigh of relief. I am going to be going to the allergist soon to have him test me for what might be causing my symptoms.

I have gone back three times now for fills since my esophagus "blew up". The first fill brought no restriction, it basically primed the tubing. The second fill was cut short when my doctor hit a nerve on the way in and I passed out cold on the floor. EMBARASSING. So, I went back today for my third fill, which FINALLY brought some restriction. I can definitely tell I have a band again. THANK YOU GOD.

Besides fighting off the flu, things are good right now. I am so relieved that things are looking up. My new treadmill is even going to be delivered tomorrow! Woo-hoo! There is one thing I hate more than running on a treadmill, not being to run at all. Since I can't run outside because of my asthma, treadmill it is. I plan on posting a few of my "before" photos on the dashboard for some inspiration to KEEP GOING even when I want to stop.

I am up 25 pounds since all hell broke loose two months ago. That's a lot to lose all over again. BUT, it's something I have done before, and something I can and will do again. By golly.

One very important lesson I have learned from all of this: Do not assume that a "Band Holiday" is going to be short lived, go out and go hog wild with food, only to have your brief stint in Buffet-ville extended until before you know it, you've packed on 25 pounds. I will not make that mistake again. Poor judgment call big time on my part.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Scared Out of My Shorts- CHECK!

About five weeks ago I had to go to my surgeon's office for an un-fill. I was having horrible reflux issues (ie. stomach contents coming back up and choking me during the night). It was just awful!!! I didn't get any sleep for about three nights. It turned out that I was swollen shut and I had to be un-filled completely. During the fluoroscope, the surgeon noticed that my esophagus was unusually enlarged. It was SO large in fact, he told me that if the esophageal cells remained that enlarged, they would become aplastic- a fancy word for cancerous. In an effort to reduce the swelling and return my esophagus back to normal, I was given a round of steroids and told to come back in two weeks.

SO- three weeks ago I went back in for my recheck. Esophagus looked a little better, still not back to normal. Only put 2ccs back in which gave me NO restriction. I was told I needed to wait another two weeks before putting any more fluids in. Oh- and by the way, my cardiac hernia is back. F-A-N-T-A-S-T-I-C. What does this mean? I may need to have another surgery to correct my hernia. Okay, okay. Whatever I need to do. Not my first choice, but lets get this band a-rock'in! I feel like out of the 17 months I've had this sucker, I've only had about 7 months of "good" restriction. Other than that, I've been too full and had to be drained due to swelling. That's my routine! I swell shut after a fill and that's all she wrote.

I am anxiously awaiting my appointment for this Tuesday. My husband plans to go with me to hear if/why I need surgery. It helps for the surgeon to explain why we'll be dropping another $5,000+ on our out-of-pocket expenses this year. Joy!

So why am I scared?

Weeeeeeeeeelllll.... in the meantime, I have been experiencing some not so nice symptoms. It's been about a month, but I have off and on spells of all over body chills and itching. I occasionally have what I describe as a "racoon face"- flushing all over my face but not around my eyes, in a mask like fashion. Sometimes the itching is so intense it actually reduces me to tears. I feel like a mental patient constantly digging at myself. Then, I will have two to three days of no itching at all.

My general practitioner prescribed an antihistamine and another round of steroids to combat my body's inflammation. He said we may never know what caused my allergic reaction, but the medicine should take care of it.

It didn't.

I continue to have flushing, dizzy spells, itching, burning up and chills. I have even started having bad night-sweats where I wake-up during the night and can't even move because I am stuck to the sheets I am so wet! So I went to the doctor again today.

He wants me to take another round of steroids and he drew some blood. All of my symptoms sound like Lymphoma, so I have been nervous. My doctor stuck his nose up to my Lymphoma theory and acted kind of aloof. He wouldn't give me any ideas as to what is going on with me. He was about to leave the room, and I blurted out, "Could I be allergic to my band!?". He looked down at the floor, shook his head and very sheepishly said, "Yes. I didn't want to go there, but that is where I am afraid this is heading".


I am beside myself with the fear of the possibility of losing my band. I called my mother to tell her what the doctor's theory was and she calmly said, "Awwwwww, Honey, look on the bright side. You've had over a year to develop new habits and strategies. You'll be just fine. You don't need that crutch. Ask yourself, why do you need that crutch?".


If I have changed so much over the past year+, why have I gained 20+ pounds over the past two months!?

I am trying so hard not to worry about the possible outcome, but I am constantly reminded of my potential allergy with every single spine tingling chill that moves over my body every couple of minutes. I am pale, sweaty and feel sick.

I never thought that for a split second I would ever wish I had Lymphoma.

Adult Truths

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.