Why is it that even though I try so damn hard, I keep going UP on the scale? I am going to throw her to the curb- we've had a seriously tumultuous relationship, and I seriously hate her right now.

She is in the bathroom right now, hiding behind the toilet like the coward she is, plotting how to dash my hopes and dreams tomorrow morning. I think she's worked a deal out with Satan & the Fat Fairy.

I haven't been completely "clean" when it comes to food, but I SURE AS HELL have not been eating enough to deserve the kind of gain that I have been seeing. I almost feel like I should at least be enjoying some seriously yummy, and bad for me food, to be blowing up like a freaking balloon. *SIGH* One or two rice krispy treats, or a medium Dr. Pepper here and there, should NOT be adding this kind of weight! A dozen doughnuts a day, I could see.

AND! Even if I was eating like I did BEFORE my surgery (all day, whatever I wanted), just adding my 400+ calorie burn workouts everyday should be yielding SOME results, no!?

Tomorrow...

Day One

Day one is almost to an end, and I feel skinnier already! ;)

My day?

Breakfast: one English muffin with a poached egg and a sprinkle of cheese
Lunch: Fish filet sandwich w/o bread
Snacks: TOO many cookies. :(
Dinner: Tuna with curry and TONS of baby lettuce and an apple
Exercise: 350 calories burned walking at 3.6 mph at an incline of 10

I did not have a PERFECT day, but what I DID have was a day full of MINDFUL eating, not just blindly going about. I actually have a deficit of 120 calories for the day- so, that works!

I Gained 18 Pounds Using My Treadmill!

GAINED!?

HUH!?

Nope, I didn't write the post title wrong, unfortunately.

Since I bought my treadmill back in December, I have gained almost 20 pounds. AND, I have used my treadmill for a hefty 300-700 calorie burn almost every single day!

No, I am not going to sit here and tell you my sob story about how I am doing everything right; eating right, exercising daily, being nice to my neighbors... etc, and I just don't know WHY I am gaining!? Woo if me.

Okay, moving along. I am gaining because I am eating too much. Plain and simple. I am not eating too much of the "bad" things like ice cream, soda, cookies... but I am obviously doing something wrong. Could it be the sugar I am adding to my "healthy" strawberry smoothie in the mornings? Yup. Could it be the extra cheese I order on my "healthy" lunch at the Mexican restaurant? Yup. Could it be the extra miniature Peppermint Patty I eat at night? Yup.

I have become so good at convincing others that I am eating well, that I am now convincing myself! While sabotaging my life in the process. It's late here on the East Coast- it's well after midnight, and for a Mom who has been dealing with the stomach bug wreaking havoc on our laundry, our carpets, our public outings and OUR LIVES for over a week now, I should be sleeping.

I can't sleep right now. I can't sleep because I am suffering from heartburn and reflux. I am suffering from these things because of the loads of weight I have packed onto my poor body over the course of the last five months. I can feel my body panicking, pleading with my brain to "get control!" already. Laying in bed thinking about how my aches and pains are back- my feet hurt! my hips hurt! my knees hurt!, my reflux is back, my sleep apnea is back, I have no clothes that fit, my five year old is now asking me why I am "so tough?", his word for fat, and worst of all- I feel absolutely horrible about myself.

So, why would all of this be worth the 20 seconds it takes to enjoy one chocolate cookie? one small soda? one LARGE soda? one Christmas dinner? one special date night with my husband? just one more, just one more, just one more... I'll start again tomorrow.... I'll be good tomorrow... I deserve this... I'm tired.... I've been under a lot of stress lately... I'm happy... I'm sad.... You hurt my feelings...

Nothing, NOTHING is worth it. NOT ONE THING. Maybe except sparing the life of one of my children or even my husband, but we are talking about sparing MY life here. MY LIFE. ME.

Wow, talk about a heavy, unloading post here folks. But, it's been too long since I've posted, so long in fact that I almost forgot how to log in. I need to stay active amongst the rest of you, I need to hold myself accountable. I need your help.

Some of you noticed that I have been MIA lately, thank you so much for your thoughts. I appreciate ALL of you SO, SO much. Instead of running away and hiding when things get bad, I have to stay here, stay positive, and use this wonderful tool.

I'm going to sign off now- the leaning tower of Pisa, aka the family laundry pile, is on the guest bed next to me and making me want to go and eat. ;)

Until tomorrow my friends. Good night!!! Hope you are all doing well.