Monday, July 20, 2009

Hiccups

When I woke up this morning, I felt like a different person. I noticed I was more patient with my children, I was singing, and for once felt optimistic about things. But unfortunately, things went downhill from there. It's amazing how irritating small hiccups along the way can be when you are feeling poorly about yourself...and life for that matter.

I ended up on the phone with Vonage for over 5 hours today. Seriously, 5 hours! So for 5 hours, my poor 1 and 3 year olds were given the cold shoulder while the Vonage reps tried their best to give me a heart attack. I was almost certifiable by the time I got off the phone with them. It ended up taking them another 3 hours to fix the problem. All just to add a line- somthing that should have taken 5 minutes. I digress.

I am trying to feel good about myself and my decision, but the fact that my insurance will not pay for the procedure has really put a burden on my decision and my interaction with my poor hubby. I can tell he wants so badly to be supportive, but deep down inside I can tell he doesn't think we can swing it. I also found out today that my new anti-depressant costs over $60 a month! So, I am afraid to risk trying a new prescription in case it doesn't work for me. I am currently taking Wellbutrin, but it has contributed to my anger and anxiety...so out the window it goes!

I am sure you all can relate- sometimes when it seems like you can finally start feeling better about yourself and things around you- you run into more bumps in the road. I just get so tired of feeling like I am constantly treading water just to keep my head above the surface. I want so badly to give life my all!!!

I appreciate everyone's supportive comments about my proceeding to look into the Lap-band procedure. Thank you! And thank you to the people who have so graciously, and generously, decided to support me on this endeavor by helping me get closer to my goal.

6 comments:

Bethany said...

Lyn, I'm with ya, sister. I'm struggling right now with depression and any little bump is enough to set me off. It's so frustrating and discouraging, but there is hope in sight! *Hugs*
Bethany

Brooke said...

Ack- sounds like a looong day.

I'm having mys surgery Aug 7, I'm self pay (TJ Mexico). I wrestled with it for a long time. I was actually on a wait list for gastric bypass. For two years I waited just to get the initial appt with the surgeon.

He was so disorganized (though very nice) and so noncommittal about every detail of the possibility of surgery- right down to the type and what I should do while I waited. I walked out feeling so frustrated! Would it be another two years of waiting? More? Would I ever get to put this past me?

When I got home I told my DH all about it. And then I told him that after 2 years of waiting for that initial appt, only to have to wait an additional 2 years with no guarantees, that I wanted to dig into our savings was, well hard on him.

I don't like spending money on myself and he is as cheap as me.

So that was my long way of saying I totally get where you're coming from and hope your day (evening?) looks up from here on in :-)

Sean Anderson said...

I'm sorry, I can't help it. I have to say this:

You CAN do this without surgery. I spent nearly 20 years at over 500 pounds. I know how misery feels. I know how hopeless it can be. I know what it feels like to be desperate for a solution. After reading Brooke's comment about waiting two years for a consult about surgery---I just couldn't withhold my two cents. How have I lost nearly 200 pounds in ten months??? I haven't been waiting on something to do it for me. And listen---if you think that my life is perfect, and it must have been easy for me---you would be totally wrong. Something I've never shared in my writings is how we've struggled financially--so bad---and with such high stress and anxiety---How have I still been able to stay on track???
Because it's too important. You've got to simplify your approach...and get super honest with yourself. Listen, I could write a book here, and it's not going to relay the message as effectively as you reading my archives from day 1.
Really reading and understanding where I was mentally and physically at 505.

I know you have it in you to do this without surgery. If my pathetic butt can do it---ANYONE CAN.

Please--at least give it a chance.
Or delete me as a follower---or I can delete myself.

Sean

carla said...

Id never TELL YOU you can do it without surgery as Ive not walked a mile in your shoes.

make the decision which feels right in your heart.

Miz.

kgrenier12 said...

Lyn:

I've been following your blog - its great.

I think it takes alot of courage and strength to tell the world about your decision.

I also have made the decision for WLS(RNY) after struggling with obesity.

2 months ago I started a program through a hospital which is thorough.

It's an amazing process - they say it is stomach surgery not brain surgery. I've been reading alot about the surgery and meeting people who've had it. I'm also addressing my emotional eating issues. Still trying to figure out what to do in place of eating away the emotions.

I met with a nutritionist, psychologist and attended group meetings. I also had a sleep study done as part of the process and will get a cpap machine.

I always feel sluggish. I am hoping the surgery, a cpap machine and taking off 120 pounds will improve my quality of life and health.

Keep writing!
Sincerely,
k

Brooke said...

Hi Sean,

I don't mind your comment at all!

What I didn't say in my post was that I lost 70 lbs on my own, without surgery.

But when I recently went through a very traumatic situation I turned back to food to cope and regained 25 of those lbs. I'm on way back down, on my own without surgery.

But I have about 20 years worth of compulsive/binge eating that shapes the way I interact with food. Regaining that weight showed me that as great as diet and exercise have been for me, and as much as I had genuinely changed I need something in place so that if I am ever feeling that destructive again (what's more destructive than a binge) there is something in place to stop me.

But that's just me. I couldn't say why other people choose to have the surgery.