Weird..... Just Weird

So, today was the big day- my first bariatric surgery consultation. Upon arriving at the office this afternoon, I couldn't help but notice immediately all of the quite large waiting room chairs. After checking in at the front desk, and being smacked with a $250 "enrollment fee", I swiveled around and eyed the comfy looking chairs, but out of pride selected a smaller chair. I ended up waiting for 45 minutes and found myself questioning why I was there.

There was a little voice inside of my head that kept saying, "You don't belong here....leave....just get up and leave". It was really weird. Again, probably just pride. Once I was called back, the family nurse practitioner brought me back to a room where she very simply asked, "Do you want the lap band or gastric bypass?". Um, lap band? Was that it? No, "why are you here today....tell me about your journey....why do you think you are a good candidate for surgery?" Nothing. Just- which one?

So the FNP was a little lack luster, but the surgeon would be so much better. Right? After taking my blood pressure, listening to my heart, and of course recording my weight, she had some time to ask questions. I have to be honest, I felt like I knew more than she did. I don't know if I just did really awesome research so there was nothing I didn't know, or if she is just used to "dumb" people coming in who don't ask all the nitty-gritty questions. But I put her through the ringer. Once I was done with her, she sent me to meet with the insurance lady.

The insurance lady sat down and handed me a few pieces of paper and said, "Sign here, and here, and here, and here. You will need to have an upper GI, blood work, an EKG, a chest x-ray and a gallbladder ultrasound, what day works out better for you?". "Um, Tuesday?". "Okay, have you paid your enrollment fee?". "Yes". "Okay, because you have to pay that to proceed. You will need to call this person and this person to schedule your pysch and nutrition evaluations. Any questions?". "No, I guess not". "Okay, well you can check out right here" (as she walks me to the check-out desk).

While I was checking out, I realized that I have been told on several occasions that it is very important to feel a good connection with your surgeon. It is important to feel at ease. But....but....I never got to meet the surgeon. What the frick? I asked the lady when I will have the chance to meet the surgeon and she acted confused. "You didn't meet him today?". I told her no, and while looking puzzled she said, "Well, you'll just meet him when you come back for your test results".

WEIRD. So instead of making sure I had the chance to meet the man who will be cutting me open, and hopefully changing my life, I have to wait. I WILL be emailing the office administrator about that. Isn't that strange? How can I be asked to sign-up and pay a $250 enrollment fee for a surgery when I don't even know who the surgeon is? I plan on liking the doctor, so hopefully it won't be an issue. I have heard a lot of great things about him, so I am going to blindly trust what I have heard.

Sticky Pants

Well, tomorrow is the big day. I hope to have my questions answered and my nerves calmed. I can tell you however, that I am becoming very, very excited about having the surgery. I have moments when I am ready to jump on a plane to Mexico to "just do it already"!
My husband has been riding the fence lately, still asking me why I can't just lose weight with diet and exercise. He is a fit 180 pounds, and has never had weight issues. We went for a three mile walk yesterday and I had all I could do to keep up! It was super hot and the humidity down here in the south was around 100%. My pants were sticking to me the whole time and riding up my behind. I kept looking over my shoulder to see who was being tortured with the view of my backside. By the time we were done, I had blisters on my feet and I was drenched! One good thing that came from it was realizing that I can still walk three miles, and then some. My husband just walks too fast for my current fitness level I guess.

So here are the questions I plan on asking the surgeon tomorrow morning. Even though I know the answers to some of these questions, I want to hear what HE says.

• How many have you performed?
• What size band will I get?
• Irreversible damage to stomach?
• How many incisions do you perform?
• Reflux? Esophageal Cancer?
• How large is the pouch opening normally?
• Liquids? Stretch pouch, or go right through?
• Don't solids just go right through the hole into the larger stomach?
• What poses the greatest risk for the need of a second surgery?
• How common is band slippage? How common is stomach prolapse?
• How soon do you do fills? How aggressive are you?
• Has anyone ever paid you in nickels before?

I'll let you know how it goes!

I have been feeling extremely anxious about my decision to look into the Lap-band surgery. I have pretty much been consumed with all possible scenarios. As a wife and mother of two, just going into surgery makes me a nervous wreck. The idea of surgery, for a worrier like myself, is a daunting one. But...I must move forward. Just having the hope that one day I will beat this makes me smile on a daily basis.

I have still been hearing off and on from my husband, "Why don't you just exercise everyday?". I cringe every time I hear it because it is so obvious. DUH. Why don't I just exercise everyday and eat less? It takes only a split second to say, and it is pure, unadulterated common sense. However, as easy as it is to say, doing it is something different entirely.

When I overeat, I become someone else. The relatively intelligent college grad that is inside my head somewhere checks out periodically while my split personality takes over to enjoy the sin of pleasure. It's like I don't even exist until the whole "ordeal" is over. And then the overwhelming self hate, regret and guilt sets in. I feel that having a tool, such as the band, will FORCE me to be held accountable and not check out. I won't have the option! I will HAVE to chew, chew, chew and pay very close attention to everything that goes into my mouth. I won't have the ability to totally tune-out.

I have heard many bandsters warn that you can overeat such things as ice cream, milkshakes...etc. I am not worried about that, because, fortunately I am not a big ice cream person. I can pass on a bowl of ice cream easily. So, I'm good in that aspect! Now, mashed potatoes are another thing- good thing we don't allow those at our dinner table anyways!

My first consult with the surgeon is this Tuesday, the 4th, and I am equally as excited as I am nervous. We still haven't heard back from BCBS yet, so fingers crossed.

More to Judge

Oh, I mean Love. Okay, I finally watched the dvr'd premiere of More to Love. Hmmmmm, where to start, where to start. I have such mixed emotions. Notice how the same guy who created ABC's Bachelor created this show, but only FOX could be talked into airing it? Interesting.

So first of all, when all of the skinny-minnie size 4 models/cheerleaders show up to star on ABC's Bachelor, their height and weight isn't displayed for all to see. I mean, seriously!? Seriously!? Who in the he!! thought of that one? Those poor girls. The viewers can plainly judge for themselves who might weigh what....it DOESN'T MATTER who weighs 170 and who weighs 278. Isn't the whole show supposed to be about how size doesn't matter? But yet, the Bachelor keeps talking about how he likes large/curvy women. So, should all the skinny girls be upset about the biased casting for THIS show? I know that is far fetched, but why can't shows like this cast a variety ( just like real life folks) of sizes?

THEN, you have the Bachelor...what's his name....Luke? Who talks like he is in some kind of Dr. Phil therapy session with all of the girls. So, when he tells a girl how beautful she is and how any guy would be lucky to have her, is she supposed to feel all warm and fuzzy inside when he sends her packing? Most (if not all) of the girls have stated that this is their "last ditch effort" to find love, their last chance. How sad. The show doesn't show impowered, strong woman. It focuses on an almost desperate side of how miserable the ladies are, further establishing the "poor fat girl" theme. They're always crying in the confession segments!!! I might tune in again to see if the theme changes, but for now I feel that the show is nothing but blatant exploitation set out to stomp on the hearts of 19 poor woman.

I wonder how many frat houses all over the country tune-in just for the night's entertainment?

Oh, my gosh! I almost forgot. How about the fact that not only did they serve food, but they showed the girls eating? They have NEVER shown, or served for that matter, food at the socials on ABC's the Bachelor. What's next, their "fantasy dates" at McDonalds? I can't believe Emme is okay with how the show turned out. Let's hope it gets better.

I am My Own Worst Enemy

My husband and I went to a Jason Mraz concert tonight, and I couldn't help but be moved when he said:

"You can have anything you want at anytime."

It Worked Out Great!

Thanks for all of your well-wishes everyone! The evening turned out to be just fine, and I actually really enjoyed the performance. We saw The Sound of Music, it was wonderful!

When my friend and I first arrived at our row, I noticed another lady in her party was sitting towards the end and I was thinking, oh good- she'll scoot in and I will have the end seat! But, she stood up to let us by. The other lady claimed that she was going to take up three seats because she wanted leg room. Did she notice I needed a$$ room? :)

As it turned out, nobody sat to the right of me, so I was able to lean away from my friend. I prayed a few times in my head, thank you God, thank you God, thank you God....

I couldn't cross my legs or move around, but I was perfectly comfortable. Phew!

So Worried...

My friend invited me to attend a Broadway production with her this evening, and I am absolutely panic stricken! I am SO afraid that I won't fit comfortably in the seats and that I will be "spilling" over into the seats next to me. I HATE this! These are the times where you hit yourself in the head with a frying pan for not having lost weight yet.

Please pray that I get through this evening with my dignity intact and that I actually enjoy the show!

What's The BIG Deal?

Okay, so have you seen advertisements for Fox's new show More to Love hosted by Emme? I would love to know what all of you think about it.

Good idea? Why? Why not?

Lawn Chairs and Breastmilk

Now, how's that for a post title?!

Yesterday the boys and I were invited to a "pool party". One of my friends had a few other gals and our kiddos come over for sprinkler fun in her back yard. While I was getting the boys ready to leave, a thought hit me like a thunderbolt. "Oh no! She is probably going to have folding lawn chairs to sit on!". Unfortunately, my fears came true. Once we got there I couldn't help but notice four strategically placed lawn chairs that donned seating areas about 14 inches wide made out of weathered fabric. Oh good, not only are they small, but the fabric is already all dry rotted! Let's see, let's see..... hmmmmm..... how am I going to avoid sitting down? All of the other ladies were already sitting down next to one another enjoying conversation when one of them dropped the bomb, "Sit down right here and come chat with us". Great, so now if I don't sit down it's because I don't want to "chat".

Thinking like a stressed out Mommy (that isn't hard to do), I quickly told them that I wasn't even going to bother sitting down because as soon as I did, one of the boys would need me. So, I might as well just stand up and prepare myself to run around. Did they buy it? Maybe. Maybe not. But I got some weird expressions. To top it off, one of the gals who probably weighs around 110, announced that she felt like her chair was going to break. Ha!

Switching noodles-
On my way home I decided to go ahead and pick up the prescription for my new anti-depressant. My best friend so kindly convinced me that I was worth the $60. Before my doctor's office called it in, they told me that it should be just fine to continue nursing my one year old off and on while taking this medication. So, I forked over the $60 and read the patient information sheet once I got home. And there it was. In BIG, BOLD letters: DO NOT BREASTFEED WHILE TAKING THIS MEDICATION. Oh great. Thanks Doc! Men.

My Husband is so Cute...

Tonight at dinner, my husband looked at me and said something very cute, but I couldn't understand him at first because the restaurant was noisy.

Hubby: So, when the van is paying....
Me: WHAT!?
Hubby: So, when the band is praying...
Me: WHAT!? I CAN'T hear you! Our van is praying?!
Hubby: (poor guy) When. your. band. is. playing...what will you eat when we come here?
Me: When my band is playing? Is that going to be your code for when I am banded?
Hubby: Yes.

I love him.

On another note, I contacted a surgery center in Monterrey, Mexico following several wonderful referrals to Dr. Rumbaut. I was so impressed with his US contact, Cathy, that I was all prepared to schedule my surgery, apply for my passport and arrange airfare. However, my husband asked for me to call BCBS ONE more time and talk to them about our policy covering it.

And guess what? They DO cover the procedure. Now, how stupid do I feel? We will still have to pay quite a bit out of pocket because our plan is not that wonderful, but it is still better than $21,000!!! My fear now is that we will have to wait for a year or two while jumping through a bunch of hoops to satisfy BCBS all the while paying obscene rates which will eventually pay for the surgery anyways!

If I went to Mexico, $7,900 would cover everything and the surgery could take place as soon as I am ready. Like now. But here in the US, I have heard that it takes substantially longer. So, I am waiting to hear back from my local surgeon after they have worked a bit with my insurance.

I am starting to feel extremely anxious. But, my husband has been uber supportive which is just wonderful. There is nothing worse than trying to make a life changing decision and your loved one not being on board.

Now all I have to do is mentally prepare myself for if the time comes that I have to tell my parents that their "little girl" is traveling to MEXICO for surgery!

Do You Have $20,100 I Can Borrow?

I got in touch with my local bariatric surgeon's office today and discussed briefly what the fee schedule would be for a cash-pay patient for the Lap-band procedure. Hoping for a reduced rate, compared to what they might charge health insurance companies, I held my breath waiting for the information.

Here is the breakdown:

Surgeon: $5,000 (not bad, not bad...I can swing this...breathe)
Anesthesiologist: $1,600 (ouch, okay...we can do this...breathe)
Hospital fee: $13,500 (ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!? GASP)
Grand Total: $20,100

Why on earth would the hospital be so darn expensive? Even if the surgeon had reduced rates, the hospital doesn't give a fart and won't budge an inch. The lady at the surgeon's office told me that they have made special requests in the past only to be denied.

What irritates me majorly about this is the fact that IF my BCBS DID pay for such a procedure, the hospital would be lucky to see $3,000 of it once the contracted rate had been paid. Why are cash paying patients punished!? I hate it! You think I could march in there and say, " Look, BCBS would only pay you $3,000, BUT it's your lucky day because I am willing to pay you $3,500 if you are interested". Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way.

Mexico anyone? I never did go on a Spring Break fling.

Hurt Feelings

So this morning I can't help but feel saddened. I am in the process of making a terribly hard decision. One that undoubtedly will change my life forever. The change ahead could be wonderfully healthy or tragically flawed. I DO NOT know what lies ahead.

I lay in bed at night and echos of my friend's and family's voices fill my head with, "Ah Lynn, why don't you just eat less and exercise more!?". I would love to have an answer for them, but after 25+ years of absolute self hatred and madness, I am terrified to "try one more time" only to fail again.

I am tired of doing well for three days and then shoving my finger down my throat because I ate something I wasn't supposed to. I have tried numerous diets, counseling, medication....etc. in the past and I have failed. It is this fear of failure, yet again, that has led me to consider the Lap-band surgery.

It is NOT that I am weak, or taking the easy way out. It is merely a tool that I have not tried yet- a last resort if you will. Some people are understandably upset about my consideration -after all, I haven't gone under the knife just yet- and I have no problem with hearing others' words of disappointment. Trust me, I am disappointed in myself that I have even had to consider this option. But, why would care about me any less? Why am I all of a sudden not of interest to you? Does my story and struggle no longer exist? If you don't want to keep up with my continuing battle with my ill health, then that is fine. But, please don't make me feel any worse than I do. I understand that some people might feel frustrated...think I am a dumb little girl...but, just because you have lost weight successfully the old fashioned way, doesn't mean that I can or that you can magically do it for me.

I have a past as well, and while I might not be able to blame a terrible molestation experience on my situation, I am still left to struggle with what I have been doing to myself for over two decades. Can I dare risk struggling for 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 13 more years? Can I risk that I won't be here for my boys when I die of a heart attack at the age of 39?

If someone has a magic globe out there, please let me know. But until then, I am going to trudge along reading all of your stories for continuing inspiration while I also explore all of my options. I hope you can all understand. I look up to all of you in all different ways...some of you are father figures...some of you mothers....some of you the best friend that will never turn your back...and I thank each and every one of you for being patient with me. I can only hope that I will continue to find non-judgmental support.

I just want to add one more thing. When I thought I had finally "gotten it" last summer I too felt bad for those who hadn't yet "gotten it". I remember looking at overweight individuals and feeling bad for them. I wanted them to feel how wonderful it feels to lose weight- how easy it was for me now. If they would just give it a try- Something had clicked and it felt wonderful. Food wasn't my crutch anymore for some reason and I had successfully lost 35 pounds. It felt wonderful! Then, unexpectedly.... well, you know the rest. Can I keep going in circles?

Hiccups

When I woke up this morning, I felt like a different person. I noticed I was more patient with my children, I was singing, and for once felt optimistic about things. But unfortunately, things went downhill from there. It's amazing how irritating small hiccups along the way can be when you are feeling poorly about yourself...and life for that matter.

I ended up on the phone with Vonage for over 5 hours today. Seriously, 5 hours! So for 5 hours, my poor 1 and 3 year olds were given the cold shoulder while the Vonage reps tried their best to give me a heart attack. I was almost certifiable by the time I got off the phone with them. It ended up taking them another 3 hours to fix the problem. All just to add a line- somthing that should have taken 5 minutes. I digress.

I am trying to feel good about myself and my decision, but the fact that my insurance will not pay for the procedure has really put a burden on my decision and my interaction with my poor hubby. I can tell he wants so badly to be supportive, but deep down inside I can tell he doesn't think we can swing it. I also found out today that my new anti-depressant costs over $60 a month! So, I am afraid to risk trying a new prescription in case it doesn't work for me. I am currently taking Wellbutrin, but it has contributed to my anger and anxiety...so out the window it goes!

I am sure you all can relate- sometimes when it seems like you can finally start feeling better about yourself and things around you- you run into more bumps in the road. I just get so tired of feeling like I am constantly treading water just to keep my head above the surface. I want so badly to give life my all!!!

I appreciate everyone's supportive comments about my proceeding to look into the Lap-band procedure. Thank you! And thank you to the people who have so graciously, and generously, decided to support me on this endeavor by helping me get closer to my goal.

Why I Have Decided to Undergo the Lap-Band Procedure

I realize that with any decision to undergo bariatric surgery comes a whole host of reservations and judgment. I have decided that bariatric surgery is a highly personal decision and that it takes a great deal of strength to make it.

After fighting with my weight for more than 25 years, I have decided that I have no more time to waste. I have two young boys, and I need to save myself for them, my husband and most importantly for me. I am facing a future of obesity related cancers and heart disease and the idea of leaving my family early terrifies me.

I have decided that the Lap-Band procedure will provide me with one small piece of the puzzle and with proper counseling, nutrition and exercise, I will uncover a new me. I need to be healthy and active for my family. I want to be able to participate in my favorite activities comfortably. I want to fly freely, without fear of not fitting in the seat. I want to hike, bike, camp, canoe, run, go to amusement parks, go to the beach and most importantly live. I am tired of turning down all invitations to social gatherings in fear of being seen.

I have hidden behind walls for too long. It is time for me to break free and do something for myself.

Thank you so much for reading my story and for your consideration to help me. I am truly blessed in many aspects of my life and I am so grateful to have all of you. THANK YOU!!!

If you cannot help financially, that is okay. Please know that your supportive comments are always welcomed.

Days 8, 9,10 & 11....I think...I've Lost Count (With Pictures!!! Oh Goody)

Well, for the most part, things have been going pretty well. One bad thing is that my back has still been bothering me, so I haven't been able to get in any exercise, which might explain how I have actually GAINED 2 pounds. Seriously!? Seriously.

I have been giving this low carb my all- keeping my carbs around 35 grams per day and the scale is moving up. I have decided that I am going to stick with it while I start exercising and see what happens. It looks like I am going to have to also start counting my calories which I REALLY didn't want to have to do. When I count calories I totally obsess and usually end up starving myself and practicing my good'ole bulimic habits. Hate. it.

I plan on doing at least 30 minutes on the elliptical tonight so hopefully this will get things moving in the right direction.

And for my motivational entertainment.......... (I have NO idea why I had that horrible, disgusted look on my face. Maybe it was the sun?)

I feel so disgustingly ugly in these pictures, I can't even stand it. I don't even recognize THIS
person. Who is this?

Days 5, 6 & 7 of Low Carb

My best friend came for a visit on Friday, so I haven't been able to update my progress with my "new eating plan". For the most part, things are going well. However, my best friend is also my old eating buddy. So, I had quite a few chances to blow it, big time.

Instead of eating like crazy the WHOLE time she was here, I think I did pretty well. I strayed away from the low carb plan for a whopping serving of chocolate cake, french toast, and several cookies. BUT, I stayed away from french fries, milk shakes and Dr. Peppers (DPs are the love of my life and are always knocking on my front door) and that is actually a victory for me believe it or not.

My husband and I decided that Sundays are going to be our "eat what we want days" so I helped myself to a serving of Cinnabon for breakfast and CiCi's for dinner with a sundae from Dairy Queen to top it all off. We start again tomorrow with no more than 35 carbs per day.

Instead of beating myself up for my apparent weakness over the course of the weekend, I am trying to realize that I could have done MUCH more damage and I need to feel grateful for any improvement. On the plus side (or minus) I've lost another pound even with my obvious indulgence. So, maybe there is something to be said for restricting certain days of the week and then indulging one day to help reset your metabolism.

On another note, I have decided that I need to speak with a counselor. I have known for a while now, that I really need to be talking with someone, but the time has come for me to get my hiney in gear and make an appointment. I am feeling nervous though about reaching out to the woman in my life for a referral. Wish me luck.

Day 4 of Low Carb Eating

First, the good news: I am down to 284 from 290 on the fourth morning of eating low carb.

The bad news?

Well, if having a summer cold, a herniated disc and no AC wasn't enough, my husband just told me that one of our credit card companies just raised our interest rate from 7% to 35% just because they can. Isn't that lovely? So, in addition to coming up with an extra $5,000 for our new AC unit, we have to come up with another $500 a month to compensate for the rate increase. I can't believe this is actually legal! Advanta is the company, but apparently they went under and some "other" company is now handling the accounts. My husband said that the representative barely spoke English, and that he just kept repeating the same thing over and over again. The government regulates everything- but who in the heck is regulating this! We are just a typical American family fighting hard to make ends meet, and this is what we get. We're moving!!!

Okay, rant over.

But, I can't tell you how delicious a plate of carbs sounds right about now. I think I will go take a nap instead.

FYI:
Apparently there is a new law signed by Obama that states that credit card companies cannot raise rates unless a consumer is OVER 60 days late for a payment. BUT, the law doesn't come into effect until February, so credit card companies are scrambling NOW to raise all the rates before they are no longer able to do so. B@stards. So, watch out!!!

Day Three of Low Carb- GRUMPY!

Well, I have heard that eating low carb can cause mood swings, but I am out of control! My poor husband. He is probably outside plotting our divorce this very minute. ;)

We decided to eat at Long Horn tonight and I ordered prime rib with steamed veggies. Unfortunately, my dinner is now sitting in the fridge because my one year old refused to sit still at the restaurant for one more second. Also, there will be no exercise for me, yet again, because I irritated my slipped disc this morning- Ouch! I am having all I can do to not take my prescribed narcotics. Even though my dear husband is a Chiropractor, there isn't much he can do for this. And to top it all off, it's my TOM. Joy.

Some other bad news today, our air conditioning unit is DEAD. As in will not work. AND, it was almost 94 degrees here in the southeast today. So to pass some of the day, I ran a few errands with the boys to stay out of the house. We have all the fans running and blinds closed, so we should be good for a while. It is going to cost us close to $5,000 to replace it. And lets face it folks, nowadays people just don't have an extra 5 grand sitting around. I have a small shop on ETSY, but I am afraid that it will take me 10 years to make that much! :)

Hope you are all well, and I look forward to sitting down and catching up with all of you.

Day 2 of Low Carb- Feeling Good so Far!

Today was our second day of low carb eating, my husband is doing it with me, which is very helpful. Even though he doesn't really need to lose weight, it helps if we both eat the same things. I hate having to prepare totally different meals for the family.

I don't feel deprived at all...yet. We have discovered delicious spicy soy and flax seed torilla chips from Trader Joe's that are super, super yum and only have 6 carbs per serving and are packed full of fiber and protein. AND, they actually fill me up! In addition to that, to help with my sweet cravings, we have found that Atkins makes a to-die-for chocolate and coconut bar (that tastes just like the Mounds candybar) and only has 3 net carbs and Breyers makes a low carb ice cream that tastes better than the original. Seriously.

The scale showed a five pound loss from 290 to 285 in one day. BUT, I could tell I lost a ton of water. I am interested to see what the scale says tomorrow. I plan on following a low carb meal plan until I shed a few pounds and start to feel better about myself. After that I want to go back to following a low calorie sensible diet and once my feet don't hurt so bad from gaining 40 pounds overnight, I hope to start pounding the pavement.

Switching noodles- I was at Target today with my boys and while heading towards the exit, we passed a woman. My three year old son turns to me and says, "That was a lady Mommy. She was a small lady and you're a big lady". I simply said, "Thanks for the observation honey". *SIGH* We can always count on our kids for brutal honesty can't we.

Wait! Stop! You're going the wrong way!!!

Or is that WEIGHT stop, you're going the wrong way. Instead of my scale moving down, down, down, I have successfully put ALL my lost weight back on and then some. I have managed to go from 253 all the way back up to 290. I started my serious weight loss attempts over a year ago at 288.

In addition to ridiculous depression, which I am on meds for now, I have absolutely no energy. It's horrible. I am usually the big person who surprises people with my energy and can keep up no problem. BUT, last night while shopping in Wal*Mart (I hate that place), I found myself winded and experiencing muscle fatigue walking quickly across the store.

I have decided to give low-carb a try. Today was my first day and I was successful. I can't tell you how badly I want a crunchy snack or a sweet, declicious cookie, but besides surgery I just don't know what else to do.

Has anyone been successful at losing a good deal of weight eating low carb? I am at my wits end. I want out of this body- one way or another.

Ugh, Could We Please Do Away With All Of The Drama?

Well, my heart monitor scan came back normal. The irony of the situation is, that the few days after the holter monitor was removed, my heart palpitated like crazy. Figures.

The doctor decided to put me on Zoloft to help with my anxiety issues. He thinks that may be what is causing all of my ailments. WELL, after my third day of taking the Zoloft, I began to feel VERY sick. I developed a migraine and started vomiting, and by the end of the day, my Mom (who was visiting) found me on the bathroom floor. So, needless to say I am DONE taking Zoloft. I must be allergic to it or something.

I go tomorrow for a 4 hour blood test from 7:30am-noon, so I need to find a good book to read!

Unfortunately, with all what is going on, any weight loss hopes and desires have been thrown out the window. I want so desperately for all of this to be over so I can start feeling better and get back on track!

Day Four Failure

Well, the cleanse lasted for a whole (well almost) four days! On the evening of the fourth day, both my husband and I found ourselves downstairs in the kitchen looking for something to eat that didn't come from the ground! He chose Triscuits and cheese while oddly enough I chose a salad- but with CROUTONS! Yum.

So, day five...six...seven...and now day eight have all been with and without our cleansing rules. We're awful!

I have to say, I don't feel any better, and I lost 0 pounds! My dear hubby lost 5 pounds. No fair.

Switching noodles:

I went to the doctor today to discuss some episodes of light-headedness, nausea, chest pains, headaches and passing out. The doctor was fine, but I hate when they don't know the answers! It's always a big, fat guess. So, after an EEG, I find myself strapped to a 24-heart monitor (holter monitor) that falls off EVERY single time and lean over to pick up one of my children or one of their many toys. OBNOXIOUS. I just pray that it doesn't fall into the toilet. How on earth would I explain that one!? Gross. I also have to go in for a four hour blood sugar test to make sure I am not suffering from low blood sugar. Oh yeah! Guess what!? The scale at the doctor's said I weigh 270! I'll take it! Should I tell them it's wrong?

So, that's me right now. I hope you are all in your happy places!!!

Hmmmm, did someone say something about a HUGE steak? Because, I could seriously use a little protein right about now.

Ugh.

I'm STARVING!!!

Scrub, Scrub

My husband and I are starting a ten-day cleanse today. Wish me luck.

I don't plan on cheating, really I don't. But, I am afraid that my meals, consisting of a mysterious-black powder, will decide not to stay down.

We have to take 7 special vitamins 3 times a day and at least two fruit smoothies made from the mystery powder, flax oil and water. In between, we are only allowed to eat vegetables and fruit. I feel nauseous already.

I plan on living on applesauce with ground flax seed and cinnamon. Yum. I am glad I have the last book of the Twilight series to finish- it will be a great distraction from my rumbling tummy.

My husband is convinced this is the answer to ALL of my problems. I hope he's right. Wouldn't that be so nice? If after ten days ALL of my problems went away? I'm holding my breathe. Really. Really I am.

Okay, maybe not. It's breakfast time... here I go. I'll let you guys know how it goes!

Why?

Seriously!? Why do we insist on asking questions that we do not want to hear the answers to? Why do we choose to punish ourselves in such a way!?

(Last night while lying in bed next to my husband.)

ME: "Honey, how much more would you love me if I weighed 110 pounds?"
HIM: "I have no idea."

Okay, really. Could he throw me a freak'in bone here?

I asked. He answered.

One Size Fits Most

I happened upon this expression, yet again, while purchasing a cloth brace for my sore foot. When I noticed the "disclaimer" I couldn't help but wonder what went down at that meeting table during the politically correct conference that so cleverly developed this saying.

I imagined what a few of the discarded, deemed non-politically correct, rejects might have been:

• Warning: If you have ever worried about breaking, or have already broken a chair, this product will not fit you.
• One Size Fits "Normal" People
• If you are considered overweight, obese or morbidly obese, this product may not fit you.
• If your foot is sore due to weight problems, this brace probably will not fit you.
• In the event that this product feels too small, please do not return for refund. Contact your local chapter of Weight Watchers instead.
  
• Warning: do not purchase if your pants are too tight.
• One Size Fits Most People Who Do Not Have an Extra Stomach Roll.
• If you are worried about his product fitting, it won't, put it back.
• If the use of this product cuts off circulation to vital limbs, you are too fat.
• One Size Fits Most* (*If you notice this disclaimer, this product will be too small for you.)
• If you cringe at the thought of amusement park rides, water parks or an invitation to go canoeing, this product will not fit you.
  

I would love to hear some of your non-politically correct disclaimers, let's hear 'em! We can always use a good laugh.

Another Loss :(

The title says it all. But, unfortunately the loss is not a good one. As it turns out, I became pregnant again right after my miscarriage. It was greatly unplanned, but I felt that the Lord had a plan and assumed that lightning would never strike twice.

It did.

Now that I have had two early miscarriages, I am starting to wonder what is wrong with me. I am hoping that unlike last time, I won't gain 7 pounds in one week. I am hoping I can keep all of this in perspective.

Solo From Sodium

Well, today will mark my fourth day without adding extra salt to my food. For YEARS, I have dosed my food with salt to the point where my husband would tell me it looks like it had snowed on top of my food.

I decided Thursday, enough was enough. I placed all of our salt in a grocery bag and told my husband to hide it. I have always heard that it takes at least two weeks for your taste buds to reset, but let me tell'ya- I was noticing a HUGE difference on day two.

Not only have I lost 3 pounds already, but for the first time in as long as I can remember, I actually taste my food! I enjoyed a salad the other day and my brain went crazy- there were black olives to taste, onions, cabbage and carrots even the lettuce! I usually only taste really salty-salted dressing and every bite tastes the same.

I have noticed that my food cravings have depleted dramatically, and my consumption at meals has also been reduced. It's almost like my brain is finally receiving enough feedback and feeling satiety for the first time. Instead of one flavor -salty- I am experiencing a whole new phenomenon of tasting hundreds of flavors at every meal.

I was talking to my dear friend Kate earlier, and it all makes sense. It's kind of like sugar- the more sugar you have- the more you want. Why wouldn't salt be the same way? If you have a bowl of sour strawberries, with no sugar, you probably won't eat too many. BUT, if those sour strawberries are smothered in white, sugary goodness, you are probably going to eat them all...and probably want more! It's the same way for me with salt.

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."

Creeping

Well, I keep creeping on up the scale. After whats seems like a snap, but really almost a WHOLE year! I am starting ALL OVER AGAIN. This time with a starting weight of 276.6. I have quite a ways to go, but I have reached my limits again.

I find it so interesting how looking back over the past year, all I remember is how wonderful it felt to lose weight, and how awful and defeating it felt to gain. You know what I don't remember however? The food that I just had to eat.

So, why is it that if food makes us feel so "good", we wouldn't remember all of those wonderful temporary "highs"? I can't remember a single morsel that tasted better than losing weight feels. So, why wouldn't I choose to continue to feel good by losing weight?

It just doesn't make any sense.

Well, I Finally Did it

Yesterday was the day for my MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) meeting, and even though I still did not feel like socializing, the idea of sitting down for two hours while someone else cared for my boys sounded immensely appealing.

After dropping my boys off at the nursery, I headed on upstairs and prepared myself to socialize and plastered on a fake smiley face. I found my seat and placed my belongings down. When I hung my purse on the chair, I realized it felt a little loosey-goosey. "Great", I thought to myself, "I hope I don't break this chair".

Well, guess what!? After years and years of surviving through one of my greatest fears, I failed to continue that survival trend. In front of 40+ women (who are all quite thin- it's the area I live in, remember!?) I decided to take my seat. And take my seat I did, almost right down to the floor. When I sat down there was a cracking noise and I fell to the left. The woman on my right threw her arms out in an effort to "catch" me. To say I was humiliated doesn't properly portray the moment. What was I supposed to do, stand up and proclaim, "It was already broken, I promise!". I could have just died.

On my way to church for the MOPS meeting, I was reflecting on my life over the past week, and thinking about how I have managed to pack on 6 pounds in only 7 days. I was wondering to myself how I was going to stop my weight from spiraling out of control. I have been eating over my miscarriage, and I wasn't sure what was going to stop me.

Now, I am not one to think that the LORD reaps any benefit or joy out of embarrassing one of his children, but he sure did set me straight yesterday. When my chair broke I immediately thought to myself, "Oh, so this is how I am going to stop LORD. I see".

Just Get Over it Already

I have definitely secluded myself these past few days, and now it is to the point where I don't even want to answer the phone anymore.

I just can't stand the fact that everyone either completely ignores what happened, or they say the stupidest things. We spent yesterday with my in-laws and my MIL kept talking about all of the ladies in her life who had just had babies. SERIOUSLY? Can people be anymore insensitive? I sat through Easter service yesterday morning only to cry uncontrollably (quietly) through the whole thing :cry:. I couldn't stop the tears rolling down my face. My MIL and husband ignored me the whole time...not so much as a tissue or a holding hand.

I asked my MIL if she could watch my boys for me while I went to my midwives to ensure I didn't need a D&C and she acted like it would be a huge inconvenience (she doesn't even have a job!) and she never answered me. Am I asking too much to hear a, "Sure, no problem. I will help out anyway possible".

My own mother keeps telling me to, "Move on Honey. You need to stop thinking about it. You are bringing this on yourself right now Honey because you won't let it go". Does she honestly think I can just "stop thinking about it" when every few hours I am reminded when I go to the bathroom? How can I forget when I am still feeling the pain of my MC that happened less than a week ago?

I realize the people who I am referring to have never suffered a MC and obviously don't understand. But, I don't understand how everyone can expect me to "get over it".

I am sorry that this post seems so angry. I may be taking my pain out on the others around me.

ANGRY SO, SO, SO VERY ANGRY

So now that my hormones have plummeted since my pregnancy ended I have been experiencing what feels like the post-partum blues. I am an absolute mess...headaches, cramps, horrible snappy mood swings and my husband doesn't get it!

I asked him if he felt sad at all, and his reply was "Uh, nope, not really". He is completely "over it". Which leaves me to feel like I have to mourn on my own. I realize it might seem silly to "mourn" since my pregnancy lasted all of 6 weeks, but I can't control a lot of how I am feeling because of these darn hormones! AND, knowing that I was pregnant, even though for so little time, I had plenty of time to plan, hope and dream for so much.

At lunch time yesterday he told me that he had already told a few of his friends and patients that I was pregnant. When I asked him what he was going to tell them he said, "I am just going to tell them that just had a weird menstrual cycle and that you were never pregnant." I asked him if that was what HE thought, and he said "Yes, I don't think you were ever pregnant. I think you were just seeing things [the positive test]". So, now instead of receiving support from my OWN freak'in husband, he is in turn going to tell everyone that I am a complete looney by making me sound like a liar.

I just can't get over how insensitive he is being. He actually thinks I was never even pregnant...like I made up the whole blasted story or something!!! I have to go in for an appointment with my midwife next week to make sure I don't need a D&C which I am NOT looking forward to.

Oh, and one more thing, my husband has actually had the nerve to harp on me today about losing weight so we can save money on health and life insurance. He is so in the doghouse.

I am just so angry today. I can't stand it! I think I am going to end up in the nuthouse right next to my husband's doghouse.

Somber

I can't help but feel a little somber today and I was hoping by writing this post I can get past this and move on.

I found out I was pregnant for the third time about 6 days ago. Although I was in complete disbelief, I couldn't help but be overcome with joy and excitement. We were going to have a third baby! Hopefully a girl this time. I laid in bed at night running through baby names and the thought of bringing home another precious little one.

Unfortunately, my pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 2:00am this morning. I had been spotting and cramping off and on, but I was reassured that spotting and cramping are normal in the early stages of pregnancy. But there was just this feeling deep down inside that I just could not shake. I kept worrying about miscarrying, but at the same time I was sure that the pregnancy would carry on normally yielding a healthy baby.

So, I am feeling a bit confused, sad and angry today and all I want to do is eat, Eat, and EAT some more. If there is one time in my life where food is not a focus, it is when I am pregnant. I was looking forward to settling into the next 9 months or so with a clear head. I just wish I could figure out how to feel that way without being pregnant.

I was telling a friend that when I am pregnant, I feel that I have a "good excuse" to eat whatever I want, and because of this I don't desire to overeat. BUT, when I feel like I don't have an "excuse" I hide what I eat and can't eat enough. The mentality behind this is just weird. Basically all of the pressure to eat less and lose weight is completely gone when I am pregnant.

So....moving right along. Just another day.

***I was thinking this would be just like any other day, but this has proven to be quite a bit to handle for me. I had no idea, when my pregnancy was threatened, that it would be this painful.

Jewelry

Well, I am a complete jewelry nut and I have decided to buy and sell jewelry as a way to help contribute to our household income. I am super excited about this new venture, but also extremely nervous that it will flop. It seems like most things I have tried in life have led to failure. (Great attitude, huh!?)

I am going to primarily sell on Ebay and Craigslist, but I would love to one day branch out to a kiosk in our local mall (high hopes, I know). BUT, there are a few wonderful things that are going to come out of this new, crazy idea of mine.

For starters, I love to obsess. Surely you are not surprised by that, but this new idea has provided a wonderful distraction from my addiction to food. Instead of day dreaming about my next snack, I am feverishly searching online for jewelry.

And instead of buying further into debt, I can buy to help pull us out! It's a win-win situation. I get to shop for jewelry, buy it, drool over it once I have it in my hot little hands and then once I am over it, sell it!!!

With any luck, I will sell tons of stuff and I will be WAY to busy to think about over eating. I will become so rich that I will be able to afford a personal chef and ALL of my problems will melt away along with all of my extra fat. Oh wait, sorry I just pinched myself and woke up.

We can all dream, can't we?

Wait, I am a Little Confused. No. Make That VERY Confused.

Over the past few weeks I have been securing a pretty darn good milestone for myself. That milestone would be the absence of any fast food runs. For two weeks, or so, now I haven't visited a drive-thru in hopes of hiding food from my husband. I have had NO Dr. Peppers other than when we have gone out to eat.

I used to drive through at least once, if not several times a day to grab a large Dr. Pepper. It has been my weakness for quite a while. But of course, if you are buying a soda you might as well buy some fries and a sandwich to go with it. But wait! If you are going to buy all of that, you should just buy a meal and save money! Right!? I would often buy a pre-lunch lunch, or an afternoon lunch for a "snack". Feeling too full, I would feel victory when I sat at the dinner table with my family while "nibbling" on my small portion. I was purchasing a meal to go with my DP at least once a week. I would make a turn into a shopping center near a Chik-fil-A, and my three year old would ask, "Mommy, are you going to go get a snack now?". UGH, what am I doing? Not only to myself but to my kids. This is awful!!!

Our finances finally caught up with us, and I was stripped of any extra funds I might have previously been allowed to carry around in my purse. So, I guess you could say I was forced to stop eating fast-food. But, it worked. And now I haven't had the urge or even the thought while driving around town running errands. When my son has been asking for chocolate milk lately (which was his treat at Chik-fil-A), I simply tell him "no". I HAVE GOT to start setting a better example for my boys. They are both at the age where they are tiny human sponges and their patterns for life are being established RIGHT NOW.

So, where does the confusion part come in? I have gained almost 6 pounds over the past 2 weeks. GAINED. I really don't get it. I am eating so much less now that my fast-food runs have been eliminated. I have also been making a special point to eat better at home and I have been drinking nothing besides water or an occassional glass of Pepsi One here and there. I mean, what is going on? 6 pounds is quite a bit to consider ruling in womanly bloating or general water retention. My clothes are getting tighter and it isn't because they are shrinking.

GOD I hate this.

It Fits!!!

Well, not really. But, I CAN get it over my head! :) I decided to grin and bear it for some "before" pictures of my pretty new dress. I am hoping there will be some "after" pictures within the next year. Please don't mind the bed-head. So, here is my attempt to wear my new size 14 dress for the camera: (NO LAUGHING!!!- that would be just plain mean.)

Well the Weather Outside is Frightful...

...but my potato soup was delightful. I don't know about the rest of you, but where I live it's kind of yucky outside. I decided today would be a great day to try out a new, Weight Watchers friendly, potato soup recipe. I have to say, It was dee-lish!!! Here are the stats:

3 cans of chicken broth
1 bag of frozen Orieda O'brien potatoes
1 small onion, diced (optional, but yummy!)
1 packet of McCormick's white country gravy mix
***Optional: weight watchers cheese and Hormel REAL bacon bits

*Place the onion in the bottom of a sauce pan with just a splash of the chicken broth. When the onions have sauteed for a while, add chicken broth for a total of two cans. Stir in the potatoes and bring to a boil. While the potatoes are coming to a boil, place the third can of chicken broth in a bowl and whisk in the packet of gravy mix. When the potatoes have begun to boil, add the broth/gravy mixture to the pot and stir. Simmer for 15 minutes until broth has thickened a bit. Serve with a sprinkle of cheese and bacon bits. Enjoy!!!

1 cup= 1 WW pt.

Pitter-Patter Dress

I just wanted to let you all know that I got the VERY LAST Pitter-Patter dress from Anthropologie. I was so close to not getting it at all!!! Phew. It has already been shipped out, and should be here tomorrow or Wednesday. I am so excited.

Quote for the Day

"Don't count the days, make the days count."

No, That's Too Wrinkly

The Goodwill. Oh, the Goodwill. I have to say the idea of shopping at the Goodwill has been sounding mighty appealing lately with the economy the way it is right now. I graced our local store with my presence for the very first time (besides donating items) in hopes of finding some Spring/Summer shirts. My mother-in-law was with me looking as well.

I started on the pink rack and worked my way through the reds, purples and blues all the while finding a very common trend. There were absolutely NO plus sized shirts. I mean none. It was kind of weird.

While I was hopelessly searching, I was also looking for some items for my MIL. Every other shirt was from The Loft, Liz Claiborne, Talbots...etc. and they all seemed to be in HER size...a whopping medium. A medium PETITE to boot. Doesn't that P on the tag just add insult to injury? Anywho- I picked out tons of really cute/pretty shirts and held them up for her to see. "Uh, no" "Nope" "That's not my favorite color" "I already have something kind of like it" "That looks way too big" "No, that's too wrinkly"....etc... was all I kept hearing.

After leaving with NOTHING and my picky as he!! mother-in-law leaving with only one thing, even though she could have bought half the store, I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to have so many choices.

I guess we don't have the luxury of shopping for tons of clothes at a time. We are forced to chose from whatever our local plus gal shop is selling. I pretty much find something that fits and buy it in every color! I don't ever worry about something possibly looking wrinkly. If it fits, and looks pretty...buy it darn it!!!

I digress.

Comment Clarification

I do want to make sure that people who have left comments regarding the lap band issue are clear about something. I am in no way being insulted or upset by what you are all saying. This is a safe place to leave your opinion, and I have found everyone's opinions interesting. My last post about the issue was just to make sure that everyone knows that I would never consider making such a decision uniformed or on a whim. So, please don't feel like any apologies need to take place. Okay!? I love you ALL! But, some more than others. (Just kidding :) )

Holy Crap!

I just did something for myself!!! My husband might have my head on a platter, but I just bought my Pitter-Patter dress from Anthropologie!!! It was heavily discounted, and I was so scared that it would sell out on-line. They only had size 14 left, so a size 14 it is. I am so excited to get it! Maybe I should hang it in my pantry.

May I Help YOU?

Obviously during this time of contemplating surgery, I have done a TON of thinking and soul searching. One trait of my silly brain that I have noticed, time and time again, is my undying desire to help others.

I can remember years ago, while in high school, sitting next to a guy named Cory. He was severely over weight and was picked on unmercifully for his large size. I would always think to myself, "How could I help him? Maybe he would meet me at the track and exercise every morning. Maybe I could sit next to him at lunch and help him eat healthy foods...etc.". When I see other large people, I immediately think to myself, "Oh, he/she must be so unhappy. I want to help him/her! No one realizes how much they are suffering". My heart constantly aches for other people who I am pretty sure are suffering.

I have a very close friend who is on the fast track to a heart attack, and what do I do? I make him send me his meals for the week so I can scrutinize everything he eats so I can give him "advice" (well isn't this the pot calling the kettle black!) on how to make improvements. After all, struggling with the same issue for over 20 years surely makes me an expert. Right!?

So, at what point will I find my heart possessing the same compassion for myself that I constantly feel for others? Why am I always trying to help ("fix") other people? Am I that afraid to face myself? Why are complete strangers worth it, but I am not?

I am anxiously waiting for the time to come when I actually do something to help myself. Whether that is surgery or something other than, I just don't know. The soul searching continues.

Lap Band Discussion

I have really enjoyed reading everyone's opinions regarding lap band surgery. Thanks to all of you who have offered your 2 cents.

My husband and I plan on attending an information seminar sometime next month, which is the very first step towards any bariatric surgery. As much as I would like to "cancel" it, I very much would like to keep all of my options open for now.

I plan on stepping up my weekly exercise, which has been working so far, but food is still such a stinker for me right now. I hate it! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!! I hate it so much, I eat it to make it go away. :)

My husband says he will support me 100% with whatever my decision is, but he is very concerned about me having surgery, as is the rest of my family. I realize that after surgery, my diet and exercise will have to be pretty flawless in order for the procedure to be successful. So, I now beg the question, "If you have to eat right and exercise after the surgery, then shouldn't I just eat right and exercise without traumatizing my body?". Seems like common sense, right? I just keep thinking that to be FORCED to follow a plan and have a sense of structure will really help me.

I am still tapping my chin. This is not a light decision. But, my thoughts mostly point towards no at this moment.

***I do want to add that I DO NOT see this as a quick fix or easy way out. I HAVE been reading and researching this procedure for quite sometime now and feel pretty educated as to what I am even considering at this moment. I have shed quite a few tears and had many sleepless nights, and YES I do understand that there are healthier ways, but, just as with anything in life one-size-fits all isn't always the case. I can tell, by a few of the comments that are being left, that some of you think I was up late one night and happened to see an infomercial about lap band surgery. This is far from the truth. I just wanted to let you guys know that, I promise, I am not a complete idiot. I just think that my thinner/healthier self is inside screaming to get out, and all avenues are being scrutinized. That's all. :)***

Lap Band Surgery

So, I am taking a poll. I would like to know how many of you out there are terribly opposed to having lap band surgery. I am starting to flirt with the idea after 20 years of fighting what feels like a losing battle. My boys are getting older and are much more active. I am starting to feel like I can't keep up. Instead of feeling motivated, I am slipping more and more into a deep depression.

I am positively miserable and because of this I feel like I am not a nice person to be around. I snap at my kids and bite my husband's head off for no reason. There is just so much anger pent up inside of me regarding how much I hate my image.

I realize many people view the Lap Band as an easy way out. However, I feel that anyone who has that opinion hasn't struggled with the same demons that an overweight person has. I suffer from frequent panic attacks when I think about the fact that there is a good possibility I will continue to lose this battle. That isn't a good attitude to have, and I know that. But, after so many failed attempts, I am so tired of failing.

People suggest therapy and there is nothing wrong with that. But, for me therapy doesn't really help because there are no issues causing me to overeat other than my self image. It is a vicious cycle for me. I have such a poor self image that I overeat. Overeating causes me to feel bad about myself...I am fat, ugly, a failure...so I eat some more. I am sure this makes sense to most of you.

I was never abused while growing up, physically or mentally. Neither of my parents died, they never divorced and I have a strong, large, supportive family. SO WHAT IS MY PROBLEM!!!???

STUFFED

It's pretty bad when my only form of exercise for the day is packing myself into my jeans.

That's all I need to say about that.

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

The Good:
I realized this morning, that after five years of marriage and two babies later, I only way 3 more pounds than I did when I got married. The way I am about food, I could easily be 500 pounds by now!

The Bad:
After five years, I haven't managed to lose any weight!

The Ugly:
How I am feeling lately as I am ingesting all sorts of disgusting grossness. I am not in a good place right now with my eating disorder. There is quite a lot going on in my personal life right now, so I am hoping that once things slow down a bit, I can start to take better care of myself.

I hope you are all doing well. Please forgive me for being absent lately. I really, Really, REALLY need to hold myself accountable to all of you and blog on a regular basis. There just hasn't been much to say lately. No typing, just eating.

"Crack! Crack! Get Your Fresh Crack Here!"

Despite the title of this post, there is no need to contact the Feds. I of course cannot help anyone find their next narcotics fix. But, it does get me thinking...

The other day I was watching a show documenting several drug addicts who were in the process of recovering. One particular individual really got my attention. He was a meth addict leaving a rehabilitation center and about to enter a halfway house. While touring the halfway house, the counselor went over some rules with him, one being that if he EVER becomes high or brings meth into the house, he is immediately turned out on his butt even if it is at 2:00am.

The documentary followed him for a time, and interviewed him once he was at the halfway house. He was captured one evening telling the camera how hard it was to face reality. He said, "I never expected these emotions to be so powerful. Normally when I felt overwhelmed or anxious, I would just go and get high. It's really hard to face reality right now". His story really got me thinking about all of us food addicts.

These recovery drug addicts couldn't use ANY drugs. PERIOD. However, we food addicts have to keep eating, regardless of our addiction. We can't just stay away from food. Could you imagine what it would be like for recovery drug addicts if they had drugs readily available at all times.

What would it be like if there was crack in their food pantries and refrigerators? In every single gas station location? On every single street corner? Cracky's, "Get your old fashioned crack here", McCrackalds, Crack King, Crack Bell, Crackway, Crack Castle ...etc. They have WHOLE stores devoted just to drugs...Drug Lion, Harris Drugs, Druglix, ...etc. Could you imagine sitting next to a drug addict at a baseball game, "Crack! Crack! Get your fresh crack here!". How would these poor people ever start to imagine a recovery from their addiction? How would they ever be expected to drive past twenty drug dealers, openly advertising easy, fresh and warm crack on their way to work everyday?

Unfortunately, with our addiciton, our "drug" is everywhere. It's a wonder that people are so hard on the over-weight and obese. We are facing quite a difficult battle. Unlike alcoholics and other drug addicts, we must continue to get our "fixes" but we can only have small, moderate "fixes" we can't just stop eating all together. How much is too much for us? Is it okay to have just a little of that? Or should we go ahead an have a lot of that? This addiction is hard folks. There are no concrete lines drawn in the sand or rules for us to follow.

We all have to do our best, whatever that may be for us. This recovery from food addiction is very personal and not cut and dry, and this recovery is far from easy.

I Have a Stalker

Well, here I am. I have decided to post today because I have found myself stalking my own blog. I keep visiting my own blog as though by some miraculous happening, there will be a new post about a huge step in the right direction.

There are two of me right now. One wants so badly to "clean up my act" while the other wants to stay angry and bitter. My clean self keeps hoping to find a source of inspiration, while my bitter self continually finds excuses to stay that way.

My family and I have all been suffering from an illness that has really thrown us for a loop. I have found myself eating even when I feel sick to my stomach. It's just plain weirdness. I am using food to feel better, and I know that. I just wish that my sick little brain would realize that eating while nauseous is never a good idea. My sick kiddos are on my last nerve, and Mommy needs a break!

I have managed to pack on 10 pounds over the last month or so. I keep telling myself at least I haven't gained it "all" back, but a 10 pound gain has left me feeling like one blubbery blob. I was feeling so good for a while. I want that feeling back.

My life has been thrown in a few different directions lately, but I hope to have the time to sit down and visit with all of you once again. I don't mean to be a downer, so please forgive me! I am looking foward to spending Christmas day with my extended family, and I hope that you all have a wonderful Holiday as well!!! Merry Christmas everybody.

I'm Still Alive

Hey everyone! I just wanted to write a quick update. My life has been kind of hectic lately, and I have not been in a very good place.

I desperately want to return to blogging on a regular basis and give this journey my all! Please bear with me. I am currently struggling.

It's ALL About Me. Didn't You Know That!?

Throughout my journey, I have had numerous revelations. It seems that as soon as "something" dawns on me I feel strong and convicted. However, that feeling seems to leave just as fast as it appeared. So I really, really need to hold on to this one.

I was enjoying a nice rest today (thank you boys!) while my kiddos were sleeping and my wheels started turning and I began to pray. While I was talking to God, I realized that my prayers have a common denominator..."ME". Suddenly, it hit. My newest revelation.

Please don't get upset at me for JUST now realizing this. I have thought about this before, but never in this magnitude. So here it is- I am in control. Me. Just me. Me and me only.

My parents didn't make me fat. My friends didn't make me fat. My husband doesn't keep me fat. My children don't make me fat. I am in charge of, well, EVERYTHING! I cannot blame anyone else for where I am except for myself. I got myself into this mess and I have to get myself out.

It has always been so easy to blame my anger or depression about an injustice for my weight problems. So many times I have told my dear friend Kate, "If only I knew why I did this". This statement always bore a certain responsibility for my situation, but what I was really asking was, "What happened to me in the past that made me fat?". Was it my father's constant criticism? Was it my mother's lack of attention to me? Was it this? Was it that? WHO CARES!!!

I need to get over it. The past is the past. Only I can control the future. The rest of it doesn't matter. I can be anything I want to be. I can stay fat. I can do that, if I want. I can get fit and healthy. I can become an avid camper, skier, biker, hiker. I can be a happy, energetic mommy for my boys. I can be a happy, loving wife. I choose my destiny. I am my own worst enemy.

Why have I chosen to be fat, sad, depressed, angry, hostile...who knows. But I want to be something else, and I am the only one who can change me. It is time to stop blaming and to start becoming the person I want, and have always wanted, to be!

Here Discipline, Discipline, Discipline....

I just don't get it. I was doing so great a few months ago, and now I seem to have just lost all of my discipline. Somehow I am right back to the "I just don't care" attitude. How does this happen?

Just a few months ago, I was exercising regularly, able to make wise choices when it comes to food, and I was losing and feeling great! Now, I am eating endlessly and I can't seem to stop....again. What is it about this self-defeatist attitude I have? It seems like whenever I am doing great and finally starting to feel good about myself again, I start to destroy it. Do any of yo
I was getting compliments left and right from the people who really matter in my life and my clothes were starting to fall off. I was on track to achieving all of my goals and now I am just wallowing in self despair once again.

Do you have any advice for me? I really want to know if this happens to you, and why you think we do this to ourselves. I know I am worth it, but the evil one sitting on my left shoulder tells me otherwise I guess. I wish I could just flip the switch, but it is too dark in here and I can't find it.

That Time of Year

Well, the holidays are officially upon us. We are all about to be faced with bowls full of leftover Halloween candy, tables full of turkey, dressing and pies, and plates full of beautifully decorated Christmas cookies. Whose idea was it to celebrate with food anyways? Obviously someone who didn't have a weight problem.

I am not sure if you saw the new Bed, Bath & Beyond flier yet, but it displays quite perfectly what lays ahead. There are four pictures. In the upper left corner, a picture of beautifully prepared food with a "Yummy" printed, in the picture below that...more food and another "Yummy". The picture in the top right corner? More treats, and more "Yummy". The last picture, the picture in the bottom right corner, is a picture of a woman standing on a scale that quite simply says "Uh-Oh".

It's that time of year again folks and there is no better time than now to put all of our hard work and resolve to the test. I am trying to gear up. In order to ensure that no Halloween candy is left over, we are giving out play-doh and toys (This also works well to rest well at night knowing that we will not be contributing to someone else's health and obesity problems later in life.) Also, for Thanksgiving, we usually treat ourselves to a rather pricey buffet meal at an outrageously delicious( and quite expensive) restaurant. The buffet works well for us because we feel that we get to eat all that we can in one sitting and we have no leftovers at home to haunt us for the days following.

I don't know about you, but I am quite positive that a fair portion of my left thigh can be directly contributed to my ten servings of left over dressing every year while growing up. By eating at the restaurant, we get to sample all the yummy food without having to bare the guilt of finishing all the leftovers.

Do you have any helpful hints to help us all make it through these food centered months ahead? I know I would love to hear them. I need all the help I can get ladies (and gents :))!

I'm Back

Hey everyone! Sorry for my absence from all of your blogs lately. I have been very busy and out of town visiting with my family these past few weeks. I just got home this evening, so this post will be short and sweet. I've got tons to do!

I am looking forward to taking my time tomorrow to visit all of you. I hope you are all doing great!

I ate like a horse while I was at my parents' house and my Aunt Flo came for a visit! So needless to say, I am not looking forward to my weigh-in tomorrow morning.

Giggles

Some New Non Scale Victories

As you all know, I have been having a pretty rough time lately. As a consequence of my higher than usual stress levels, I am making sure I pay close attention to all the NSVs that are occurring in and around my life. Here are a few that have made me smile lately:

• I now run around with my son at the playground- WITHOUT worrying about what the other parents are thinking. This is huge for me. Up until recently skipping around with him was more like dragging concrete blocks around strapped to my feet.
• My clothes are getting baggier and a bit too large to be wearing.
• My husband told me the other day that my legs are "little". I am sure he meant to say "smaller". ;)
• And, last but certainly not least, my two year old son is starting to refuse offerings of sugar. Isn't that amazing? I have been trying to teach him about the negative effects that sugar has on our bodies, both short and long term, and it seems to be working! Last night he had a chance to vend for a gumball and he said, "No, I don't want it. I don't need a treat, I've had enough and it's not good for my body." He then turned to me and gave my quarter back. Yay! (There is a catch to this lesson however, he is also abusing the recent health teachings to say such things as, "No thank you Mommy, salad is bad for my body". O'well. A work in progress...)

What has been the BIGGEST NSV in your life?

Yay! I'm Obese

I remember like it was yesterday seeing the official diagnoses of "Obese" on my doctor's routing slip back when I was still in high school. I cried so hard in my car, the whole way home. I vowed to lose weight, but never did. I only moved from obese, to severely obese, and then right on up to morbid obesity.

Since starting my journey a little over four months ago, I have moved out of the morbid range, into the severe range, and now into just obese. It's amazing to see how these subtle weight changes actually effect your health and overall BMI. I am struggling to keep my head in the game right now, but seeing the rest of you succeeding and reading your stories is keeping me going. Thank you.

I saw a segment on The Sunday Morning Show the other morning of some great footage of the current peak season up in Vermont. It depicted some of the most beautiful images of vibrantly colored leaves, and gorgeous sounds of babbling brooks and raging rivers. It brought me back to my days of camping and hiking, and I am holding onto this feeling for dear life. My plan is to schedule a Vermont getaway with my husband for this time next year. I want to be able to hike, canoe and enjoy the outdoors while soaking in the crisp fall air, all while enjoying being significantly healthier and smaller. I plan to look forward to the plane ride up there, for the first time in my life without fear of not fitting into the seat comfortably.

If I make the reservations, there is no going back; some serious extra motivation.

I always stop and look at all of the tents and camping gear while shopping in Target. I am dreaming of the day that I can live an active life again, without embarrassment. My husband deserves it, my boys deserve it, and by-golly so do I.

Ewwwwie

I want to start off by sending a sincere Thank You to all of you. I greatly appreciate your encouragement and support. I am so glad I have a safe place to be honest without fear of rejection or judgment. With that said...

My two children and I have spent the past three days stricken with a nasty stomach bug- at both ends (TMI, I am sure). So, needless to say, things have been pretty interesting around here. My two year old started it off, and my poor 10 month old is still getting sick. I feel so sorry for the little guy, he doesn't understand! At least he has breast milk to help him recover quickly. I have always wondered how a mother takes care of herself and her children (bathing, changing clothes, diapers, changing bedding, doing laundry, mopping up the floor and scrubbing the carpet...) while they are all throwing up, but now I know all too well. I hope we don't have to do this again...EVER!

Last Monday, I made a decision to STOP all of my madness, and break my cycle. I promised I wouldn't "get sick" anymore. THEN I woke up sick (beyond my choice). How ironic. Over the past few days, I have lost a total of 10 pounds. I am sure a good 5 pounds of that is dehydration.

So, I hope to take my new weight loss kick-off and run with it. A fresh new start. The only good thing that can come out of a situation like this.

Thanks again you guys for actually caring about me.

An Explanation

I feel like I need to share exactly what is going on in my life right now. I keep writing about stress and how it is effecting me, so I wanted to be clear about what it is that is making me feel so darn stressed!

In addition to my undying desire to lead a healthier (and much thinner) life, I am dealing with a few other thought occupying matters.

First of all, money. Please know I realize we all have money woes. However, I make our situation worse by dealing with it by indulging in retail therapy and buying junk food. Enter more stress.

We are in the process of moving my husband's office to a new location to be more convenient for his patients. This move has occupied my husband's time day and night, so I am receiving very little help at home with the kids. We have had to rack up our credit cards even more by installing walls, doors, carpet/baseboards/tile and painting to get the new space move-in ready. My husband has been one huge ball of stress himself, and at this point we are just pinging off each others' emotions.

In addition to everything else, my son has started pulling his hair out. This has happened before, and we had to shave all of his hair off. I was told by his pediatrician, and by a child psychologist, that he may require cognitive therapy and behavioral rehabilitation. I am NOT dealing well with this development. At all. I can't help but feel that there is something I could have done to prevent this. I was told that this is his response to stressful situations. Aren't we just a pretty family? I'm fat and my son is bald.

So, that is a sampling of what is occurring in my life right now. I have had little time to devote to my weight loss efforts. I am so exhausted at the end of the day, that exercise seems impossible. I have been tied up in a cycle of breaking down and binging, feeling guilty about it, starving myself the rest of the day and promising myself I will do better tomorrow, only to wake up and start the cycle all over again. I am going to look into some bulimia support groups in my area. Hopefully there is something that is low cost or free. I wish I understood myself better so that I could learn to handle my emotions in a better way.

More Stress = Larger Stomach?

I really can't figure out why stress makes me overeat. I mean, my stomach hasn't grown along with my stress levels, so where is it all going? A few weeks ago before all of my anxiety occurred, I was content and always felt full with a "normal" serving. Now, it seems as though I am always hungry and I can't ever seem to fill the hole.

According to what I have experienced and read on other blogs, it appears that this is a common trend amongst most of us.

If anyone would like to shed some light on this mystery, I would greatly appreciate any insight. It has always made me scratch my head. I would love to hear your opinions.

Chick Fil'Anxed

As you all know, I have been hanging on to the back gate of the wagon for dear life for a few weeks now. Today was no exception. I started my day with a nutritiously scrumptious Chick'fil A sandwich with a Dr. Pepper. After meeting a girlfriend (who is doing WW) at a local playground so our kids could play we headed off to do some shopping at the mall. Once we arrived, we realized we needed to feed the kiddos lunch before they fell apart.

My choices were either pizza (too messy for a two year old), Burger King, Subway (again, too messy), chinese or Chick'fil A. I opted for Chick'fil A because it was quick, easy and I knew my son would eat it. So began my second round of fastfood for the day. Halfway through my lunch, a conversation ensued between my WW doing friend and me. Now, keep in mind this is the SAME friend who has in the past invited me for all sorts of ice cream and fastfood runs when she needed a friend to accompany her. Why not call your fat friend? Right? And she always tries to get me to eat fastfood while we are meeting up for playdates. So, anyways...this is what was said:

FDWW (Friend doing Weight Watchers): That's a lot of points.
Me (not smiling with an eyebrow raised): Yup, I am sure.
FDWW: Your fries are like 12 points alone.
Me: Okay, thank you. I don't really care today. Today is just that kind of day for me.
FDWW: That Dr. Pepper is 6 points, and...
Me: Please, seriously, just be quiet, I don't care.
FDWW: ...did you get a wheat bun or a regular?
Me (both eyebrows raised): Well, I assume regular because I didn't specify.
FDWW: So, your sandwich is like 13 points. Did you get lowfat mayonnaise?
Me: I don't really care today. I am just in the mood to eat what I want.
FDWW: So, which one?
Me: What?
FDWW: Lowfat or regular?
Me (SIGH): Regular. BUT I DON'T CARE. SO PLEASE BE QUIET!!! I REALLY DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!
FDWW(with a smirk): So that is like 35 points for ONE meal. That is a WHOLE days worth for you.
Me: Thank you very much. I guess that's bad, huh?

Was it possible she was just trying to be helpful? I doubt it. She hasn't proven to be a friend who really watches out for me and my weight, so the conversation just really annoyed the heck out of me.