200% vs. 7%

...5...4...3...2...1...BEEP...Commence Rant...

Why is it that I insist on trying so darn hard? I received an email from a church friend a while ago asking me a simple question. I replied with a lengthy email congratulating her and her husband about some recent good news, carried on about how nice it was to see her at church, asked several questions and she replied with a simple ,"I will have to call her. Thanks".
When one of my friends has a baby I bring several meals complete with salads, bread and butter, and I never forget dessert. Then they bring me a Hamburger Helper.
When I am around someone that I don't know too well, I inquire about who they are and show a genuine interest in getting to know them, but they don't ask me one question.
My husband and I invite guests for dinner and try hard to be friends with couples at our church, never to hear from them again.
One of my closest friends, who I bend over backwards for, seems to appear only when she needs something or when she wants to go get ice cream. Sure, call your fat friend, I understand.

I realize that this has nothing to do with how a rational person should feel. But, I just can't help but feel this same awkward feeling while I am 5oo miles from home visiting with my husband's family. I try so hard to treat his family like my own, but no one tries to get to know me any better, 13 years later! The last time I treated his grandmother like I would my own, I was accused by his family for trying to get her to give me money. MONEY? Are you serious!? Maybe I am just being myself. Just because your family is full of emotionally constipated people, doesn't make me a bad person.

I get so tired of reaching out and trying so hard to people please. I wish I didn't care so much. As soon as we arrived here late Saturday night, I have done nothing but want to binge. Being around his family is not healthy for me. In the past, my husband and I have let loose, and put all health aside while her. We have eaten nothing but pizza, Doritos, M&Ms, Pepsi, donuts, anything bad for us. My sister-in-law sweetly makes dinner consisting of cheese tortellini smothered in alfredo sauce and pork ribs with mashed potatoes. UGH. This 9 days is going to be the hardest 9 days of my life. I have already "messed" up a few times here, but I realize that I have already done much better than I normally would have in the past. I have vowed NOT to eat ONE peanut, or any other kind for that matter, M&M the whole time I am here. That is the one rule I am not breaking. I am still doing well in that respect.

I am just so tired of giving 200% when I only seem to receive around 7% back. I hope I don't seem like an angry, hateful person because I really am not, I promise. I just miss my family who are all warm, caring and loving people. I feel like I am in ice country! Not to mention that his family keeps telling me to go ride a bike and that I need exercise. RUDE. If I felt that they were actually concerned for me and my health I would appreciate it. But, they are so shallow and I am quickly getting tired of their stares.

Watch out my husband's family because the next time you see me, you won't recognize me! So, take that!!! And...if I want to drink bottled water, leave me alone, it doesn't mean that I am too good to drink your water, all it means is that your water isn't good enough for me!

Biggest Loser

Do any of you remember the vending machine episode of Biggest Loser? The one where some of the contestants had to eat junk food in order to try to win a free pound pass? Well, remember when they had to eat the food that came out? I can recall distinctly how each one of them reacted while they had to chow down on their past companion.
It amazed me to watch them stuff this junk into there mouths, while they moaned and groaned about how "painful" if was. They carried on about how disgusting it tasted and how sick it was making them feel. I sat there watching this occur and I couldn't help but wonder what that actually felt like. They had been "clean" of poison for so long, that there bodies seemed to be going into shock. This repulsion was certainly a mystery to me. Until yesterday...

I ended up blowing it.

I had to meet a lady to sell a baby carrier that I had listed on Craigslist. The baby carrier is not mainstream and usually appeals to a certain crowd of parents. The lady was quite nice on the phone so I didn't have any preconceived notions about the meeting being uncomfortable. I jumped out of my van when I saw her car approaching from across the parking lot. I couldn't help but notice her looking me up and down, several times, while she parked her car next to mine. She slowly got out of the car, and in a voice of confusion she asked, "Lynn?", as if she was meeting with the wrong person.
Okay, so why in the heck was she so surprised that I was me? Was she expecting me to be a fellow REIer, all fit, toned and ready to hit the Colorado Mountains? I am sure I read into her behavior, but she continued to look me up and down and seemed to maintain this look of disgust on her face. While going over the carrier features with her, I explained to her that there was also an additional waist-extender accessory if anyone on the heavier side would be wearing the baby. She quickly raised her eyebrows, rolled her eyes, nodded her head and mumbled, "that won't be necessary for us". For US? Is she a different species than I am? Are overweight individuals no longer considered part of the human race? I digress.
Feeling stressed out all day and then being upset by the encounter, I headed towards the closest fast food drive-thru and picked up a HUGE cheeseburger, fries and a soda. I parked and started to eat the friend who was telling me how mean and skinny that lady was. I couldn't help but notice that while I was eating it, I started to feel kind of sick. I wasn't anywhere near done consuming the amount of food that in the past would have been a pre-dinner snack for me. The grease was kind of repulsing and I felt very nauseated. Just thinking about it is making my stomach turn right now. Gross.
We all know that eating junk makes us crave more junk, but after eating better for only 40 days or so here, my body was already becoming accustomed to real nutrition. When I eat junk now, I feel depressed, my body aches and I can barely stand to move. If I plan on being the kind of Mommy and Wife that I want to be, I HAVE to continue to take care of myself.

My Husband came home from work last night and wanted to go out for a burger. I got grilled chicken and a side salad. No more greasy burgers for me thanks.

Thare She Blows!

I am about to blow it today. I am dealing with a great deal of stress at the moment, and I am telling myself that it is okay to go ahead and self-medicate with a binge. Shoot, I have held it together for 40 days, it's been long enough, right? I'm entitled to a binge by now, aren't I? Haven't I earned one? This is the kind of crap I am telling myself.

My kids and husband are driving me crazy, I can't get anything done, and I am thoroughly exhausted. I just want to eat crap.

I feel so angry, but I can't tell which came first. Do I want to eat because I am feeling angry, or am I angry at myself for wanting to eat?

UPDATE: My best friend just called me, and what she is dealing with right now makes my pathetic "problems" look just that, pathetic.

YAY- Less than 100 Pounds to Go!

My scale left the dark-side this morning and displayed a loss for me! I am no longer stuck at 271. Woo-hoo! Kate? How did you do? I hope scales everywhere were convinced to see the light! My scale read 270.2 and then I decided to step on the scale again after nursing my son...269.8.

For the first time in years, I finally have less than 100 pounds to lose! This really makes my day. (I just hope I don't end up celebrating with food)

Today

I have a few random tid-bits regarding today.

• My NEW scale told me that I weighed 285 lbs. this morning- I returned it.
• My food was great today. My husband told me that we were going out for ice cream tonight, so I saved up and planned for it all day. We ended up going to Marble Slab, and when asked what I wanted, I told my husband to order me a small coffee ice cream with Heath Bar crumbles. He came out with a LARGE, explaining to me how a large was only $1 more than the small. I told him to save $1 (and his own wife for goodness sakes!) and order a small the next time. (Does he also realize that a size XXXL is only $1 more than an XXL?)
  
• My bulimia is right around the corner, taunting and teasing me every chance it gets. I am not doing well in this area. I HATE THIS!
• What in the heck are we supposed to do about chub-rub? As if exercising while obese isn't hard enough, now we have to deal with this? Just gross. Any advice besides biker shorts is greatly appreciated! ;)
  

I am hoping that tomorrow is going to be better. Oh, and yeah, I ate the WHOLE LARGE. Thanks Honey! :) I think I will start a pillow fight so I can whack him a few good times across the head and knock some sense into him!!! What a nerd. Now, I realize my eating the whole thing wasn't his fault, but gees Lou Pete it was hard to put down. I actually put it down three times before it was suddenly gone. Weird how that happens, isn't it?

Non-Scale Victories (NSV)

Again, my dear friend Kate lifted my spirits for me today. After yet another disappointing weigh-in, I really felt fed-up. I can't believe I have actually stuck to my new way of eating and I am experiencing no scale rewards. I needed and wanted gratification! So, Kate suggested that I list a few rewards that I have experienced that are not related to the scale. Very good advice as always.
After talking with Kate, I put my two little ones in our van and made a mad dash to Bed Bath & Beyond to purchase a NEW scale. I am ready to throw my old one out the window. While there, I found myself stepping on each and every scale trying to find one that displayed a result that I actually liked. If anyone was watching me they would have assumed I had an obsessive compulsive weighing disorder, but I actually feel like I am forming one! After stepping up on only one scale that registered lower than the others, I decided I needed to give up and focus on that non-scale victory list. I purchased a good old $20 spring loader. I hope that it is more accurate than my digital. I usually step on the scale a few times when I wake up because my digital scale is always changing- it reads higher and higher each time I step on it, totally frustrating. So, on to that list:

• My body has to be healthier as a result of my new, healthier lifestyle.
  
• The pants I was wearing today looked like parachute pants, they were very baggy.
• I "feel" thinner (I actually undress in front of my husband now- BIG step).
• My two year old doesn't get to see Mommy stop at 3 fast food restaurants in any given day.
• I actually obsess about food less. Now that I don't have to think about what I will eat next, how much of it I can eat, and who will know, I have a new found freedom and a different relationship with food. I don't see it as my enemy anymore.
  
• Satan's "voice" reminded me that I could drive to McDonald's and binge without anyone knowing, and I pushed the thought out of my head just as fast as it appeared.
  

So, there are a few rewards that I must be grateful for. The scale, I am reminded, will follow later. I can imagine that my body has no idea what is going on. I have NEVER successfully lost weight in the past without being pregnant, and that of course was out of my control. I have NEVER Yo-Yo'd up and down, I have just steadily gained, V E R Y slowly over the years. My body has to "catch-up" to my brain and hopefully it will do just that once it realizes "we" aren't starving. I hope all of you had a happy and healthy day today!

Walk and Whiff

Okay, so some very important advice from me to you; don't ever eat lunch at 11:30am, walk 3 miles at 5:30, and then end up at a house where someone is cooking their dinner. It is absolutely torturous to have to smell as those yummy smells while you are super starving. Bad idea. If this happens to you, make a beeline for your kitchen at home, avoid all those fast food restaurants and seek refuge in your own kitchen with a healthy meal. Whew, that was hard, let me tell'ya.

Crap! Hurry!!! Catch That Cat!

Well, the cats out of the bag. I promised myself that I wouldn't discuss weight loss with my husband. The reason for that? Well, weighing in at 175 pounds for as long as I have known him, he just doesn't understand my daily struggles. I hate to say it, but he has always been the "How hard is it...just eat less" type of guy. *Cue cringe* Disgusting, I know.
I didn't want to include him in my last and final attempt at weight loss because I was afraid to have him commenting on my food intake. I just didn't want to hear him say, "Haven't you had enough?" "Are you allowed to eat that?" "That's going to go straight to your hips" etc... I just can't stand to know that someone is staring at my every move and criticizing my every decision. Just let me do this in secret with my best friend who actually DOES understand! Go away and leave me alone.
So, while I was creating my virtual model for weight loss, he decided to look over my shoulder and watch me. And guess what? Now he knows my starting weight and my goal weight. No big deal, right? Well, in the past whenever he has known about my attempts to lose weight, I take his comments as sabotaging my goals. For instance, when he found out my goal weight is 170, he asked me why I wasn't pushing for less? OMG. I mean really. Come on here, give me a break. His argument was that I shouldn't sell myself short by not shooting for the stars! Then he suggested I should make my goal 130 pounds. GASP! I am not sure about you, but 130 on a 5 ft. 9 inch frame may be pushing it for me coming from 288 pounds.
This coming from the same guy that told me, many times, that he is scared for me to lose weight because then I will realize I can do better than him and leave him. I know, I know. I love him to pieces, but obviously I have been the victim of his own insecurities. I certainly have enough of my own, I don't really need to be effected by his.
So, my struggle for the day is to let this pass and move onto tomorrow. With time I hope to forget about his recent insensitivities. I don't need him to be a part of this. My close friends, my parents, my in-laws, not even my family members know that I will soon be the incredible shrinking blubber blob. With God's help and the awesome support of my Kate and all of you supportive bloggers out there in "bloggy land", I WILL DO THIS. No ifs ands or buts, and that's final my friend. The cats going back into the bag.

Sugar = Heroin?

A fellow blogger brought up the sugar vs. narcotic topic, and it really got me thinking. Here is what I wrote to her:

It's true, and quite scary, that sugar plays on the same receptors in the brain as heroin. I am also like you, the more I have the more I want. And...interestingly enough, just like withdrawal from a narcotic like Heroin, when I am "coming off" my sugar fix, I feel like crap! Me joints ache, I get a headache, and I want more sugar! If you look at sugar in this light, it might help you to realize that we all have a real addiction to carbs and sugar. We all need to be VERY careful about what we choose to put in our bodies. I caved and had a small soda with lunch today. Now, I am feeling very hungry (two hours later) and all I want is crap. Hmmmmmm...major food for thought. I think even if my WW points allow for a soda here and there, I need to steer clear. Here's to good'ole H2O!!!

I am posting this on my site so I can be reminded about the dangers of sugar.

FINALLY!

Well, for the first time in almost two weeks, the scale finally displayed some movement this morning. And, the movement was in my favor by a whole .6 pounds! It's amazing how much this helps my psyche.

As an interesting side note, my husband, who I have been keeping in the dark about my efforts asked me how much weight I have lost. He has obviously noticed my change in habits over the past month. When I asked him to guess, he guessed 17 pounds. Interesting. I accused him of reading my blog, but he pleads innocent of such charges. I asked him why he thought 17 pounds and he told me because my face and rear were smaller. Works for me!

My List

My best friend, Kate, told me that I should compile a list of at least 10 things that will keep me motivated to lose my blubbery barbed wire. Below are a few reasons I am determined to free myself:

• To set a healthy example for my boys
• To be healthier and feel better about myself
• To be able to run and play with my boys
• Enjoy being "touched" again
• To be able to buy clothes because I want them, not only because they fit (I plan on shopping with my best friend for the girliest of girlie dresses and while we are doing so, we shall twirl and act obnoxiously happy!)
  
• To ride horses again
• To enjoy swimming again
  
• To go hiking again
  
• To go canoing/kayaking again
• Ride roller coasters without fear of not fitting
  
• Start jogging again!!!

I feel like I could sit here all night typing all the things I have been missing for so long. It's pretty depressing to realize that I have put everything I enjoy on hold for so long now. It has been a long time since I was actually "living". So for now I have to turn this depressing realism into pure joy now that I am changing my life for the better. Woo-hoo! Go me!!! Go us!!!

Eager to Exercise

Well, since I have been scale stuck for sometime now, I decided it was of utmost importance that I shake a leg. Determined to squeeze a walk in this evening, I put my sixth month old to bed around 7:30. It was quickly becoming apparent that my plan would be sabotaged. My little one decided he wanted to cry instead of sleep. So, around 8:30 I told my husband that I would just have to forget about it, and do some sit-ups instead.
In between going in and out of my little guys room, I had to make our bed. While I was doing so, I realized that I was growing quite angry about not getting my much needed, and for a change wanted, exercise. I could feel that "I want to punch the wall" feeling growing up inside my arms and legs and the tension was mounting.
It became clear to me that I was going to have to get outside for some fresh air alone, or I was going to be too anxious to sleep tonight. By this point, there was silence coming from the nursery and I quickly put on my sneakers, leashed our dog and ran out the door. I walked about 2-3 miles, and it felt wonderful. No stroller to push, no baby to wear...just me and the open air. It was so great, I plan on doing it again tomorrow!

Frustrated to the Hilts!

Well I have been stuck at my current weight for what seems like forever now. I am T-totally fed up and completely frustrated. I want so badly to throw in the towel. My scale has been stuck for almost 2 weeks now! I just don't get it. Not only am I eating half, if not less, of what I used to eat, but I am also still nursing my son. What gives? I've tried increasing my food intake in case I haven't been eating enough, but nothing happened then either. You would think that at the weight I am now, it would just melt off at the beginning. I used to eat breakfast, snacks, first lunch, second lunch, snacks, small first dinner, second dinner and then usually desert. So, please tell me why now that I am eating exactly the way a "normal" person does I haven't seen a change on the scale? The only change I feel is less aches and pains from less sugar and junk consumption. That's nice, but the other reward would be great right about now. Below is an example of one of my days, any advice about what I am doing wrong, would be fantastic!

Breakfast: 2-3 egg whites w/ one yolk
1 packet of Weight Control Oatmeal
Snack: Apple w/serving of peanut butter
Lunch: Lean Cuisine, additional serving of veggies
Snack: Slim Fast snack bar
Dinner: 1 chicken breast, serving of veggies
Desert: (If I have anything) 1 two point WW ice cream bar

(Now, keep in mind this is just an example. Some days I only eat fresh fruits and veggies for snacks and my new favorite lunch is turkey slices, tomato, 1 slice muenster cheese, and tons of sprouts on flax bread. So... the point here is that I don't always eat frozen prepared meals. This just happens to be what I ate yesterday.)

and of course I drink tons of water... H E L P !!!

Oh yeah, some of you are asking..."are you exercising?" Well, the honest answer is no, well yes, well kind of. The truth is I have a bum foot, perfect timing, huh? I am afraid that I have developed arthritis in my left foot due to my blubbery large stature. I used to walk 2-3 miles everyday, but my foot was becoming way too painful to continue. I have gone for a walk twice a week on average, so that is a stinker. I'm working on it. For now I am just chasing my two year old and six month old (who is already crawling all over the place!) all over the house and trying to stay away from the pantry. That is about all I can handle right now. But, tomorrow is another day...

One Day Down, the Rest of my Life to Go

Well, I made it through today. It wasn't too bad, but the afternoon is always hard for me. It is so boring to sit around the house with my two boys waiting for my husband to come home from work. THANK GOD I was able to talk on the phone with my best friend who is doing this weight loss thing right along with me. I don't think I could even think about surviving this feat without her love and support. Thank you Kate!!! :)
My husband chose Chick-fil-A for our big night out on the town tonight. That choice was perfectly fine for me, because I knew exactly what I would eat. I ended up ordering a grilled chicken sandwich with a small soda. So, that was around 8 points according to the WW scale. The kitchen is closed, and with my 8 points for dinner I am done for the day. Now, to make it through tomorrow...

Today is One Day

Today is one day. I plan on making this one day a successful fat fighting battle. I plan on continuing to clear the fattening clutter stuck in my head. It is almost lunch time, but my thoughts for now are healthy. We are planning on eating out for dinner tonight, so I am starting to prepare myself mentally for what I might order. I CAN DO THIS. Oh, and I will.

Blubbery Blogger's History

(***Please be aware that there may be a few food triggers in this post***)

I remember it quite clearly...the first time I thought someone called me "fat". I was playing in my grandparent's back yard, and I decided to ride my cousin's battery powered Power Wheels Car. My grandfather yelled at me and told me I was "too big". Now, I probably WAS too big. As a seven year old, I probably had no business trying to ride a two year old toy. However, for some reason, my little brain computed his scolding as a discovery of my large displacement in space.

I can't remember a time where I wasn't uncomfortable in my own skin after that. I was so uncomfortable that I numbed myself with food. Food quickly became my best friend. My Mom would promise me two Oreos if I were to take a nap. Instead, I pretended to be asleep, then crept back upstairs to eat as many Oreos as I could get my hands on. Huh! Two Oreos, I'll show her two Oreos.

At any kind of shin-dig or family function, I lived to eat...eat as much food as I could possibly get my hands on before some "well meaning" adult cut me off. I remember clearly eating so much food at one particular family barbecue, that my Dad had to stop the car three times on the way home so I could get sick on the side of the road.

That wasn't the last time the side of the road was to be violated by me in such an awful manner. My friend, we'll call her Jamie, lived next door to me and she and I loved to eat snacks after school. We often binged on cheese and rice and pasta with LOTS of butter. On one occasion, I ate so much, I got sick while walking home.

There are many more stories like the ones I just told, but perhaps the most profound time in my life was when my baby brother was born. Until his birth, I was my Daddy's little girl, the youngest of three girls. I was the apple of his eye and I had his undivided attention at all times. When my brother came home, I lost my Dad. Because I wasn't the center of my Dad's universe anymore, I turned to my dear old friend, food.

As a child I didn't really become fat, overweight, or even "pudgy". I looked "normal" for the most part because I was so active. I rode my bike EVERYWHERE during my pre-teen years, I was on the swim team and I was way too busy talking about boys to stuff my face.

My Mom always had the pantry full of snack foods. Chips, cookies, soda...you name it. This junk actually lost its appeal to me because I had access to it at all times. Then something happened. I started hitting puberty and my body started changing. While in the bathroom one morning, I noticed something horrific on my inner thigh. It was what appeared to be a stretch mark. Horrified that I was becoming fat, I started turning to food again. I would eat whenever I experienced any kind of emotion; fear, anxiety, happiness, loneliness, etc. Whenever I started to "feel" I would quickly shove my feelings back with food.

My best friend and I once tried out for the cheer-leading team in Middle School. When we discovered that neither of us had made it, we celebrated with an entire box of Little Debbie cookies while waiting for our Mothers to pick us up. Neither of us will ever forget about that. I was 120 pounds and I cried myself to sleep on many occasions because I was so fat.

My best friend was just like me. The first time we met, she came into my home and ate a whole package of Oreo cookies. Her Mom only had health food available in her home. We would often eat as much as we could while no one was looking. We would bake a whole cake, cook up a whole pound of bacon and eat cream horns until our bellies ached. Yup, we were two peas in a pod. Our behavior continued well into the high school and college years. My best friend had begun using laxatives and I would continue to be surrounded by eating disorders.

When I was a freshman in high school I quickly became the official fat family member. Whenever food was "missing" I was blamed. My sisters' and brother's Easter baskets were robbed of their goodies, bags of chips gone in a blink, bags of M&Ms found in drawers, empty food wrappers strewn about. My parents were disgusted with me. However, the interesting part was I was actually innocent of the charges brought against me. It would turn out that my older sister had developed an eating disorder, Bulimia, and was pointing the finger at me to spare herself of the persecution. Not cool.

We once had friends over for dinner, and my Mom served fresh baked chocolate cookies after our meal. Behaving like any 14 year old, I quickly leaned towards the plate in anticipation of nabbing a cookie or two. I was quickly insulted and shot down by my Father saying, "Are you sure you want that cookie? You don't really need that...do you? Don't you want to look like Renee?". Renee was the girl next door, thin, athletic, pretty...perfect. I was at such a critical age when it came to self esteem, and at this point I had none.

I went to the doctors in hopes of finding what was "wrong" with me. Why was I so fat? Was my metabolism too slow? Was it my thyroid? Nope, I was just fine. While waiting in line after one of my many desperate attempts for a medical explanation, I glanced down at my routing slip only to find my official diagnosis; OBESE. I tried so hard to lose weight. I wanted so badly to feel accepted by my Father. I wanted to make him proud of me, but it wasn't enough, I just couldn't do it. I binged on fat free foods; marshmallows, fruit cups w/heavy syrup, Dr. Pepper, but I was learning that even fat free foods make you fat.

Feeling alienated from my Father, I began turning to boys for attention. For some reason it made me feel better if I could get attention from boys...and it wasn't always "good" attention. After dating an 18 year old, who later admitted he never like me because I was heavier than my sister whom he really liked, I was taken advantage of. After I was abused by "Jake", I didn't care about myself at all anymore. Enter downward spiral. In order to feel accepted, I began making myself throw up after consuming large quantities of food.

I managed to graduate high school after skipping lunch period by hiding out in the library. I was too embarrassed for anyone to see me eat. I would hurry home only to stuff my face with whatever I could find in the pantry, usually nacho chips smothered with cheese. I was a "whopping" 160 pounds at that point. I tried so hard to be athletic. I played intramural volleyball, basketball and joined the track team. I was able to maintain my weight between 165-180 by playing sports. After high school, it was off to college I went.

I continued to be surrounded by eating disorders at my university. My roommate was very ill and was actively abusing 1-2 bottles of laxatives a day. Even though I continued to make myself sick periodically, I ended up gaining the freshman 30 bringing my weight up to an even 210 pounds. By the time I graduated from college my weight was up to 240 pounds. Even though I walked everywhere, I was consuming too many calories. I had dappled in Overeaters Anonymous meetings with my best friend, but I was not finding what I needed at the time.

I promised myself I would never graduate from high school fat, and I did. I promised myself I would never graduate from college fat, and I did. I promised I would never get married while I was so fat, and I did. I promised myself I would never get pregnant while I was so fat and I did.

I weighed 269 the day I walked down the aisle. I would get pregnant two years later, at 290 pounds. I was terrified about gaining weight during my first pregnancy. I couldn't imagine weighing more than 300 pounds! I ended up suffering from Hyperemesis, or severe morning sickness. I lost weight during my pregnancy and ended up weighing 245 pounds after my son was born. Instead of continuing to lose weight while I was breastfeeding, I crept back up to 275 pounds and stayed there until my second pregnancy. Again, I suffered from severe sickness and ended up at 250 pounds after the birth of my second son. Now, six months later, I am down to 272 after going all the way back up to 288 pounds.

After years of poor self esteem, shattered diet attempts, cruel comments, and abusing my own body, I am beginning an end to all this craziness. I am determined to free myself from this barbed wire ladened fat. I do not want to waddle, I do not want to feel stared at, I do not want to worry about what chair I can fit into when I walk into a room, I do not want to cringe when my husband touches me, I do not want to feel anxiety while eating, I do not want to avoid all my past favorite activities, I do not want to obsess about food anymore, I do not want to hear from compete strangers "you have such a pretty face" anymore, I do not want to be the fat one anymore. No more. With God's help, and the support of my awesome best friend, I will succeed in freeing myself. This blog entry marks the beginning of a new me. A healthier, happier, twirling, obnoxiously happy me. Please join me on my journey.

Blubbery Blogger's Photo History

I was an average sized child.

I felt so fat on this Easter morning. I was wearing a size 10.

This is a day I will NEVER forget...Nothing fit me on this day, and I had to wear my Mom's clothes. I was horribly embarrassed. 150 pounds.

I was mortified when my Dad took this picture. I thought I was an absolute heifer. 160 pounds.

My wedding day, size 14 dress even though I was wearing a size 22/24. I wore a 14 because my waist is so much smaller than my hips and rear. 269 pounds.

Full-term pregnant with my first son. 265 pounds.

Post-pregnancy, after first son. 240 pounds.

Measurements and Photos

10 Months Post-Op
63 Pounds Down, June 2010

My Measurements:

August 26, 2009 (Two days before Lap Band Surgery)
Left Arm- 18 "
Right Arm- 18"
Left Thigh- 35"
Right Thigh- 35"
Left Calf- 20.5"
Right Calf- 20.5"
Hips- 56.5"
Bust- 48"
Waist- 47.75"
50.1% fat

ONE Month Bandiversary:
-15 pounds (and counting!)
48% fat (-2.1%)

October 29, 2009 (Two months after Lap Band Surgery)
-21 pounds
Left Arm- 17 " (-1)
Right Arm- 17" (-1)
Left Thigh- 33" (-2)
Right Thigh- 33" (-2)
Left Calf- 19.5" (-1)
Right Calf- 19.5" (-1)
Hips- 56" (-.5)
Bust- 45" (-3)
Waist- 43" (-4.75)
44.1% fat (-6%)
Inches lost: 16.25

November 30, 2009 (Three months after Lap Band Surgery)
-25 pounds
Left Arm- 16.5 " (-.5)
Right Arm- 16.5" (-.5)
Left Thigh- 31" (-2)
Right Thigh- 31" (-2)
Left Calf- 19" (-.5)
Right Calf- 19" (-.5)
Hips- 54" (-2)
Bust- 44" (-1)
Waist- 41" (-2)
Inches lost: 11

April 08, 2010 (seven months after Lap Band Surgery)
-54 pounds
Left Arm- 16 " (-.5)
Right Arm- 16" (-.5)
Left Thigh- 30" (-1)
Right Thigh- 30" (-1)
Left Calf- 18" (-1)
Right Calf- 18.5" (-.5)
Hips- 53" (-1)
Bust- 43" (-1)
Waist- 37" (-4)
Inches lost: 9.5


TOTAL Inches lost since surgery: 36.75

Two days before surgery- 288 pounds
August 26, 2009

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The following pictures are from 2008
288 pounds also

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Believe it or not, I am NOT pregnant in any of these photos. I wish I could say I was!

Here I am in an outfit that makes me feel pretty and not so fat.
Now that I see myself this way, I realize that's not quite the case.