Monday, June 30, 2008

200% vs. 7%

...5...4...3...2...1...BEEP...Commence Rant...

Why is it that I insist on trying so darn hard? I received an email from a church friend a while ago asking me a simple question. I replied with a lengthy email congratulating her and her husband about some recent good news, carried on about how nice it was to see her at church, asked several questions and she replied with a simple ,"I will have to call her. Thanks".
When one of my friends has a baby I bring several meals complete with salads, bread and butter, and I never forget dessert. Then they bring me a Hamburger Helper.
When I am around someone that I don't know too well, I inquire about who they are and show a genuine interest in getting to know them, but they don't ask me one question.
My husband and I invite guests for dinner and try hard to be friends with couples at our church, never to hear from them again.
One of my closest friends, who I bend over backwards for, seems to appear only when she needs something or when she wants to go get ice cream. Sure, call your fat friend, I understand.

I realize that this has nothing to do with how a rational person should feel. But, I just can't help but feel this same awkward feeling while I am 5oo miles from home visiting with my husband's family. I try so hard to treat his family like my own, but no one tries to get to know me any better, 13 years later! The last time I treated his grandmother like I would my own, I was accused by his family for trying to get her to give me money. MONEY? Are you serious!? Maybe I am just being myself. Just because your family is full of emotionally constipated people, doesn't make me a bad person.

I get so tired of reaching out and trying so hard to people please. I wish I didn't care so much. As soon as we arrived here late Saturday night, I have done nothing but want to binge. Being around his family is not healthy for me. In the past, my husband and I have let loose, and put all health aside while her. We have eaten nothing but pizza, Doritos, M&Ms, Pepsi, donuts, anything bad for us. My sister-in-law sweetly makes dinner consisting of cheese tortellini smothered in alfredo sauce and pork ribs with mashed potatoes. UGH. This 9 days is going to be the hardest 9 days of my life. I have already "messed" up a few times here, but I realize that I have already done much better than I normally would have in the past. I have vowed NOT to eat ONE peanut, or any other kind for that matter, M&M the whole time I am here. That is the one rule I am not breaking. I am still doing well in that respect.

I am just so tired of giving 200% when I only seem to receive around 7% back. I hope I don't seem like an angry, hateful person because I really am not, I promise. I just miss my family who are all warm, caring and loving people. I feel like I am in ice country! Not to mention that his family keeps telling me to go ride a bike and that I need exercise. RUDE. If I felt that they were actually concerned for me and my health I would appreciate it. But, they are so shallow and I am quickly getting tired of their stares.

Watch out my husband's family because the next time you see me, you won't recognize me! So, take that!!! And...if I want to drink bottled water, leave me alone, it doesn't mean that I am too good to drink your water, all it means is that your water isn't good enough for me!


kgrenier12 said...

I totally get what you are saying about giving 200% and getting 7%.

Someone pointed out to me that all of us have an inner circle and an outer circle of people in our lives. I decided to focus on the inner circle people and do more for them.

What will make you happy today?

I would suggest activities that get you out that you like to do - visit an art museum, craft fair, church, coffee house or amusement park. Enjoy your new vacation location.

Go out and take photos of the kids or of things you like.

You are going to make this a great vacation - try something new.


Fat Free Me said...

It pleases me so much that you got the time away to post this...I imagine you felt a little better after the fact? Hang in there. Only 6 more days to go...Have you been throwing yourself a fireworks display each night???

Deb said...

I understand that "giving more than you are getting" feeling. I remember a former hairdresser of mine who I would always try to help with his problems, drive him places when his car wasn't working, invite him to social things. Once told me quite coldly, "Don't give me more than I am giving you." Ouch. That one hurt. But he was right. I was trying to create a relationship that was more than what it was which was he cut my hair and I paid him.

Sometimes we go around giving what it is we wish we could be receiving and it hurts badly to not have those efforts returned.

I do think we have to be somewhat selective as to who gets the best of us because not everyone deserves it.

Mari said...

I totally understand. There are probably multiple reasons why, but most likely it is because we who have been struggling with self-esteem issues because of body image often times compensate by being the nicer, more thoughtful, caring, the here to help anyone person, because we really do care and want to help. Maybe we have experienced a need that wasn't met from someone else not being there for us. My hubby and I experienced this at a high school reunion. We remembered everyone and incidents and memories that others did not....the "in crowd" (popular, cute, thin)were clueless as to us or others that were not popular because they lived in their bubble, not worrying or caring about anyone outside that circle. We, by nature of the beast, care more and want to include everyone and make them more comfortable, because we know what it is like to not have that. Don't beat yourself up for it. You are a good person, do not lose that virtue as the weight comes off. You need to be there for the next person that needs you and really will care that you are there and were there for them.

Deb said...

Mari, good point and well said.

Mara said...

Good for you. Keep up the great work and you will be rewarded. Don't let others keep you from being positive.