Waaaah. Boo. Hiss. With an UPDATE!

Today was my surgery consultation. I finally got to meet the surgeon, and he was wonderful.

However, to make a super-long story short.....his staff bites the big one.

Instead of being able to mark my calendar with my surgery date, I get to wait a few more weeks while his incompetent staff figures out how to do their jobs.

So I sit and wait, consumed with anxious anticipation I compare to waiting for my sons' births.

UPDATE:
At my appt. yesterday, I gave the surgeon an ear full regarding my experiences with his staff, apparently it helped my case quite a bit! I jut got a phone call from their insurance coordinator to say that they have already gotten the approval letter from BCBS!!!! Woo-hoo! I was also told that there had been a surgery cancellation for this Friday. THIS FRIDAY! Could you imagine? I will keep you all updated.

UPDATE x2:
The doctor's office just called and told me to eat nothing but clear liquids tomorrow because it looks like they can get me on the books for Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As in the day after tomorrow. The day after tomorrow!!!!!! Oh my GOD.

Free Floater

I have known for quite sometime now that I need to find a new bathing suit. I have been wearing my maternity suit for almost four years. But, it's black, cute and covers my bodacious behind.

Last night, I had the privilege of hanging out with a few extra kiddos while their parents went to a concert. To kill some time, I took everyone to our pool- wearing of course my stretched out maternity suit. While I was jumping up and down and playing, I noticed that I had to keep pulling my suit up. Now, I don't know if my boobies have been shrinking because I don't nurse anymore, or if the two-tons of fabric were being weighted down by the water but the "girls" kept trying to escape.

I threw my one year old into the air and on his way down, my forearm felt some nipplage. Terrified, I looked down and sure enough one of the girls had proclaimed that they were a free boob. There she sat, bobbing in the water. I have no idea how long she was free, but the pool was quite crowded and the male life guard was staring right at me and there were tons of children around me.

Oh'well. I hope that I haven't left some poor pre-pubescent boy scarred for life.

$$$ ~Cha-Ching~ $$$

My friend Kate told me about a cool site call Swagbucks that actually rewards you for using their search engine. Like always I resisted, but since, I have signed up and it's pretty cool. With today's economy, and since you search the internet anyways, who couldn't use free stuff! Click here if you are interested in signing up, it's free! After earning swagbucks, you can redeem them for gift cards at restaurants, stores, Amazon...etc.

Also, there is a website called Southern Savers that does all the work for you when it comes to grocery store specials, freebies and coupons. Best of all, it's free! The lady that heads SS shows you how to save tons of money on groceries and maps out exactly what you need to do to save the most and get free stuff.

Have fun saving money!

Yikes!

After receiving an email that was supposed to show me some scary sweetness, I came across this site looking for the broken email links.

Click here to see how other foods/beverages "stack" up in sugar cubes.

Thanks Everyone

I appreciate all of your comments on my last post. I realize that she is certainly not a winner, and I actually came home and told my husband that we have nothing in common, and I won't be spending anymore time with her.

She is NOT my best friend, nor a good friend. She is just an acquaintance from church whom I thought would be a good friend once I got to know her better. I was wrong. I almost think that my self consciousness about my weight acts as a barrier around people who so blatantly advertise their disgust about overweight people directly to an overweight person. It's just weird. We're like oil and water- we just don't mix.

Thanks again everyone, I enjoyed reading all of your takes on the situation.

You Eat What!?

I went out with a friend from church tonight and really enjoyed doing something other than taking care of my boys. So, that was nice. But I do have a few things I need to bounce around.

First of all....my friend is super skinny. Like 5'8" and 110 pounds skinny. Figure skater thin and muscular. Blech! Anywho- after walking around for a while, she decided to order a milkshake from Chick-fil-A and I ordered a large water- so exciting I know. While we were walking around, I decided to take the opportunity to ask her what she eats on a daily basis. I have always wanted to know what she eats- thinking that it may put my daily consumption into perspective for me. This is what she eats on any given day:
Breakfast: 2 cups or so of Lucky Charms w/milk
Snack: Bagel (normal size-yes I asked) w/butter or jelly
Lunch: Peanut butter and jelly with regular chips (not baked) and juice
Snack: 5-6 cookies (seriously)
Dinner: Chicken with rice and cheese (she says she cooks with lots of cheese)
Snack: More cereal or ice cream
Oh. My. Gawd. Can you believe it? Doesn't this sound like a lot of food for someone who is so uber-skinny? Maybe I need to eat more! ;)

Then, after that super enlightening food diary, we ended up sitting on some stools. They were the kind that went up or down using hydrolics. And guess what? Yup, when she sat down on hers, nothing. When I sat down on mine- big whoosh of air and I sunk about 12 inches below her. So not cool.

Now, a little background that I did not provide earlier in the post. This girl was the same one who announced in bible study that "fat" people "gross her out". Excuse me? She said that glutony was one of the seven sins, and that "fat" people were all sinners and needed to eat less. Oh-kay. She also told me this evening that my mother isn't exactly small. What? How did my poor mom get brought into this conversation? My mother is a perfect size 14 and is in great health thank you very much.

It is people like this that make me want to lose 130 pounds over night just to smack them in the face when I am on an even playing ground.

Holy Bananas

I just got back from Trader Joe's with a new stock of freeze dried fruit. And let me just say that their freeze dried bananas are ridiculously delicious. I know that there are worse things that I can be indulging in, but good grief, these things are super yummy! There are two servings per bag and each serving is 150 calories.

If you have a TJ's nearby- go get some! If you don't, then I feel very sorry for you.

So Torn

I have decided to keep my decision to have surgery under wraps. Only my husband, best friend and my parents know of my plans. However, I do have another dear friend who has been weighing heavily (no puns here) on my mind.

I will call this friend, Joy. Joy and I have been friends for a LONG time, and she considers me her best friend. While we were out the other night, I happened to mention an incident that really upset me and told her that I called my friend Kate. She was immediately offended that I hadn't called her right away. "Why did you call Kate and not me?". Ugh. Kate and I have been best friends for (ever) over 20 years now and she is pretty much another half of me. She knows EVERYTHING that goes on with me; all my thoughts, all of my actions, hopes, dreams, problems.... all the ins and outs. There is NOTHING that we don't share with one another- we even share problems with weight and food addiction. I don't feel this close to my friend Joy at all.

Joy is a little pruddy- and by that I mean she comes across as being a prude. If I bring up the subject of sex or something even mildly personal, she blushes and giggles like I had crossed the line. Okay, ladies. Who out there hasn't talked about sex with their best friends? If I am her best friend, she should be able to share with me a lot more than I feel she does.

Okay, so here is my problem. What happens if/when she finds out that I had surgery? I am so afraid that she will be terribly hurt and insulted that I hadn't come forward with my plans. Honestly, the way she is, if she kept something like this from me I wouldn't be shocked at all, I would almost expect it. But she expects me to share everything with her. She has a tendency to be judgmental and I am afraid that she will tell her other friends. But again, I am afraid to hurt her feelings by not telling her now. I don't think she will understand my choice not to tell her.

What do I do?

I Want to Look Like This Again.....

I am the one on the right.


Okay, so the last one isn't really me. :)

?

Why do I have such a compulsion to keep checking my emails and Facebook? What am I expecting to happen? I think I am losing my mind. Hey! - at least I am not eating! :)

Waffle Wake-Up

I couldn't find anything to make for dinner, and I didn't want to pile the boys in the car to pick-up fast food. After looking in the fridge and freezer at least ten times, I settled on making a few waffles.

While the waffles were toasting, my three year old said, "Mommy, ladies don't eat waffles". "What? What do you mean ladies don't eat waffles?" to which he replied, "Mommy, ladies don't eat waffles because they aren't healthy, they aren't good for your body".

I have such a HUGEmongous influence on my boys right now, and will continue to for the rest of their lives, I am sure. That is why I have got to change my life and my lifestyle. Not only for me, but for my precious boys and their children, and their children.... who knows who I will hurt in the future if I do not set a good example for my boys, now, while I can.

My List

Well, I have heard that it is a good idea to come up with a list of pros and cons of having surgery. I plan on reflecting back on this list as I continue forward on my journey. This list will be evolving, I am sure, as things progress along. In no special order, here is the beginning of my list:

Cons:

• Anesthesia- this scares me a bit. I hate the thought of leaving my two babies behind without a Mommy, or my husband without a wife.
• risk of complications from incision or band itself
• vomiting
• loose skin (BUT, as Amy said, I would rather be healthy with loose skin, than obese with tight skin!)
  

Pros:

• Live longer! The idea of having a heart attack at the age of 45 and abandoning my family has been haunting.
  
• prevent obesity related diseases
• to set a better example for my children so that they won't travel down the same path as I have
• more energy!
• I am looking forward to not being so darn hot all the time-less sweating
  
• to be able to once again do the activities that I have always loved and have missed so much
• to once again feel attractive and increase the level of intimacy with my husband
• to be able to sleep on my back without snoring from being crushed by my own weight
• to sleep at night free of heartburn
• once again exercise comfortably- I cannot wait to jog again!!!
  
• I would love to have a lap that my kids don't slide off of.
  
• shopping at ANY store for clothes
• the resolution of my chronic foot pain and to prevent knee and hip replacements
• I am looking forward to having an increased self-esteem.
• not embarrassing my children in the future for being so large
• not having to worry about fitting in/breaking chairs
• I have always wanted to sit "Indian style" on a chair.
• being able to cross my legs without an extreme exertion of effort
  

I will be adding to this list as things occur to me- there really are so many that it's hard to list them all.

Feelings and Other Men

Okay men, you have been forewarned by the title of this post. It indeed is regarding feelings- feelings of a female. So, you better scream and run now! On second thought, maybe you should stick around, you might be able to provide me with some wonderful advice.

I have been having a few emotions running around my head lately, and figured this would be the place to work some of them out.

I asked my husband lately how he would feel if I lost 100 pounds, I asked only after he asked me the same question. His reply was purely sexual. So....... Is that really what it is all about? Is that why we aren't as intimate as I would like to be? It saddens me that I turn him off that badly. As if I am not disgusted with myself enough as it is.

It is really hard to communicate with my husband, it's a bit like talking to a tree honestly. For instance:

When I say, "Honey, can we talk about a few things?"
He hears, "Come here. Sit down. And shut up. I am going to fuss at you for the next hour about how miserable you make my life and how inadequate you are as a human being".

Seriously! This is how he acts. I am a person that thrives off of communication and verbal approval, he is not. His love language is acts of service- which I try my best with. He doesn't care if I say "I love you" everyday or tell him how handsome he is, or what a great job he is doing- but I do. I need to hear those things. I have shared this with him so many times, that I feel as though I will never get through to him. I have tried writing letters, sending emails (same thing), joking around, counseling....etc.

The part that bothers me are the dreams that I have been having. I am so starved for personal love and affirmation from my husband that I dream about other men. Now, don't get all excited- there is NOTHING sexual about the dreams, at all. I don't know these "men"- they are just men. But in my dreams they portray such a sense of longing to be with me, of loving me and making me feel so valued and precious. It's kind of hard to explain. I wish I didn't have to rely on these dreams to fulfill me emotionally. Has anyone else ever experienced this?

I just don't know what to do. It has been so long since there has been any kind of healthy jealousy in our relationship, that I wonder how he will handle me being losing 100 pounds and not being such a turn-off. Okay, so basically I want there to be something more than purely sexual- I sound like every woman out there, I know. I would love for our relationship to be based on so much more. If I become thin (thinner), will he be staying with me just because I am once again attractive? or because he loves me to pieces and can't imagine life without me no matter how much I weighed?

I Could Use a Little Help

*Warning: Sound off below.

As many of you already know, I have two boys- one's three years old and my youngest is 20 months old. My three year old has been putting me through the ringer lately with his behavior. I was thinking he is just acting out because we have been stuck inside the house due to illness for the past week and a half. So, we woke up nice and early this morning and took a nice long walk. I was hoping some exercise and fresh air would help us all. Yeah, no. I just don't know what to do with him anymore! Everything is, NO! And now my one year old is starting to copy him. After dealing with this for several days, I am just fed up. The whining....the screaming....the fussing....the kicking.... I have just had it!

My mother-in-law is in the area, and she NEVER offers to help. NEVER. It drives me absolutely bonkers. I would just die if she picked up the phone and called me to ask if she could help in any way. When she called this morning and I told her I was going to lose it, she facetiously chuckled and started talking about herself. ARGH. Why can't she actually DO something? How about you come over to my house and visit with YOUR grandchildren so I can think straight for TWO minutes and MAYBE, just maybe, get some stink'in laundry done!?

I just wish, so badly, that the boys had a grandma that lived close by that actually gave a hoot about them. It makes me so sad that she doesn't want to take them to a park or just spend time with them. If she happens to watch them while I go to a doctor's appt. or something, she comes at the last minute and leaves just as soon as I get home.

I just need help sometimes. I need a chance to recuperate. Sorry for the rant.

I Know You

Today was the day that I had to go for all of my pre-op testing. Because the hospital is so close to my house, I was afraid that I would see someone I knew, who would then let the questions rip. I was REALLY hoping to avoid stuttering an excuse for my beinging at the hospital for testing.

I arrived at 8:30- registration- check! All sent smooth.
At 8:50- lab work and EKG- check! Smooth sailing.
At 9:00- Ultrasound- check! Not so smooth.

When the girl called me back her face looked familiar, but I wasn't going to go there, you know? BUT, she did. When she laid me on the table, she actually asked me why I was having pre-op tests. I replied that I was considering the lap band procedure. THEN she says, "I know you!". Gah-Rate. She was my husband's best friend's wife's best friend. Did you follow that? So basically the one group of people that I definitely don't want finding out about my surgery now has a direct information source.

After that little hiccup, the barium swallow/upper GI and x-rays all went smoothly. No more friends, thank GOD!

Not Tonight Honey, I'm Too Tired

After we ate dinner tonight, my husband decided it was time we all pile in the car and go get some ice cream. My husband's favorite dessert is a milkshake from Chick-fil-A. As I have stated in previous posts, I am not a big milkshake and ice cream fan. But, I hopped in the driver's seat and headed towards CFA.

Knowing I wouldn't be getting a milkshake, my husband asked me what I was going to get. Hmmmmmmmmmm......... What was I going to get? Some of my favorite desserts come from our local Harris Teeter bakery- they have a gourmet chef there, and their desserts are dang-er-ous.

I started heading towards the grocery store once my three men had their slurpy goodness when suddenly it hit me. I was too tired to get out of the car and walk inside the grocery store.

I drove home with nothing. It's pretty bad when you are too tired to get yourself dessert. That speaks volumes, doesn't it!? :)

Ooooooh, I am SO Hot!

I have been waiting ALL week to hear back from the surgeon's office regarding my pre-op testing appointment. I assumed I would have heard back from them by now, but I was trying to be patient. I decided to send an email inquiring as to when I could expect to get my appointment but I never got a response. So, I decided to call them.

When I called, I was able to speak with the lady who was supposed to schedule my appointment and she told me that she got my email, but that she was waiting until the billing lady returned to the office on Monday. When I asked her why, she told me it was because my $250 enrollment fee wasn't applied to the right account, and it needed to be fixed first.

NOT MY PROBLEM!!!!! I paid the money....now make my appointment. I can't believe that!

I am so mad I am shaking. That office needs to get in gear or I am on my way to Mexico- who by the way has been in touch almost every other day to check in on me and my decision. Hmmmmmmm, American patient support versus Mexico....Mexico wins, hands down.

It Is What It Is

I just logged onto Facebook and found out that one of my friends has posted a few recent pictures of me- and of course tagged me. So, there I am for everyone to see in all of my blubbery glory.

My first instinct was to immediately un-tag myself, but then I realized something. It is what it is. I am who I am and I can't change that right now- but I am learning to like myself. For someone who VERY carefully selected the photos I chose to post, this is quite an accomplishment of resignation on my behalf.

Just Like the Ocean

This morning, while laying on my bed, my three year old decided to "pat" my upper leg. This is what he said:

"Mommy, I'm making waves just like the ocean!".

That's my sweet boy!

Ahhhhhhh, the good'ole bowl full of jelly feeling. Jiggle, jiggle!

Weird..... Just Weird

So, today was the big day- my first bariatric surgery consultation. Upon arriving at the office this afternoon, I couldn't help but notice immediately all of the quite large waiting room chairs. After checking in at the front desk, and being smacked with a $250 "enrollment fee", I swiveled around and eyed the comfy looking chairs, but out of pride selected a smaller chair. I ended up waiting for 45 minutes and found myself questioning why I was there.

There was a little voice inside of my head that kept saying, "You don't belong here....leave....just get up and leave". It was really weird. Again, probably just pride. Once I was called back, the family nurse practitioner brought me back to a room where she very simply asked, "Do you want the lap band or gastric bypass?". Um, lap band? Was that it? No, "why are you here today....tell me about your journey....why do you think you are a good candidate for surgery?" Nothing. Just- which one?

So the FNP was a little lack luster, but the surgeon would be so much better. Right? After taking my blood pressure, listening to my heart, and of course recording my weight, she had some time to ask questions. I have to be honest, I felt like I knew more than she did. I don't know if I just did really awesome research so there was nothing I didn't know, or if she is just used to "dumb" people coming in who don't ask all the nitty-gritty questions. But I put her through the ringer. Once I was done with her, she sent me to meet with the insurance lady.

The insurance lady sat down and handed me a few pieces of paper and said, "Sign here, and here, and here, and here. You will need to have an upper GI, blood work, an EKG, a chest x-ray and a gallbladder ultrasound, what day works out better for you?". "Um, Tuesday?". "Okay, have you paid your enrollment fee?". "Yes". "Okay, because you have to pay that to proceed. You will need to call this person and this person to schedule your pysch and nutrition evaluations. Any questions?". "No, I guess not". "Okay, well you can check out right here" (as she walks me to the check-out desk).

While I was checking out, I realized that I have been told on several occasions that it is very important to feel a good connection with your surgeon. It is important to feel at ease. But....but....I never got to meet the surgeon. What the frick? I asked the lady when I will have the chance to meet the surgeon and she acted confused. "You didn't meet him today?". I told her no, and while looking puzzled she said, "Well, you'll just meet him when you come back for your test results".

WEIRD. So instead of making sure I had the chance to meet the man who will be cutting me open, and hopefully changing my life, I have to wait. I WILL be emailing the office administrator about that. Isn't that strange? How can I be asked to sign-up and pay a $250 enrollment fee for a surgery when I don't even know who the surgeon is? I plan on liking the doctor, so hopefully it won't be an issue. I have heard a lot of great things about him, so I am going to blindly trust what I have heard.

Sticky Pants

Well, tomorrow is the big day. I hope to have my questions answered and my nerves calmed. I can tell you however, that I am becoming very, very excited about having the surgery. I have moments when I am ready to jump on a plane to Mexico to "just do it already"!
My husband has been riding the fence lately, still asking me why I can't just lose weight with diet and exercise. He is a fit 180 pounds, and has never had weight issues. We went for a three mile walk yesterday and I had all I could do to keep up! It was super hot and the humidity down here in the south was around 100%. My pants were sticking to me the whole time and riding up my behind. I kept looking over my shoulder to see who was being tortured with the view of my backside. By the time we were done, I had blisters on my feet and I was drenched! One good thing that came from it was realizing that I can still walk three miles, and then some. My husband just walks too fast for my current fitness level I guess.

So here are the questions I plan on asking the surgeon tomorrow morning. Even though I know the answers to some of these questions, I want to hear what HE says.

• How many have you performed?
• What size band will I get?
• Irreversible damage to stomach?
• How many incisions do you perform?
• Reflux? Esophageal Cancer?
• How large is the pouch opening normally?
• Liquids? Stretch pouch, or go right through?
• Don't solids just go right through the hole into the larger stomach?
• What poses the greatest risk for the need of a second surgery?
• How common is band slippage? How common is stomach prolapse?
• How soon do you do fills? How aggressive are you?
• Has anyone ever paid you in nickels before?

I'll let you know how it goes!

I have been feeling extremely anxious about my decision to look into the Lap-band surgery. I have pretty much been consumed with all possible scenarios. As a wife and mother of two, just going into surgery makes me a nervous wreck. The idea of surgery, for a worrier like myself, is a daunting one. But...I must move forward. Just having the hope that one day I will beat this makes me smile on a daily basis.

I have still been hearing off and on from my husband, "Why don't you just exercise everyday?". I cringe every time I hear it because it is so obvious. DUH. Why don't I just exercise everyday and eat less? It takes only a split second to say, and it is pure, unadulterated common sense. However, as easy as it is to say, doing it is something different entirely.

When I overeat, I become someone else. The relatively intelligent college grad that is inside my head somewhere checks out periodically while my split personality takes over to enjoy the sin of pleasure. It's like I don't even exist until the whole "ordeal" is over. And then the overwhelming self hate, regret and guilt sets in. I feel that having a tool, such as the band, will FORCE me to be held accountable and not check out. I won't have the option! I will HAVE to chew, chew, chew and pay very close attention to everything that goes into my mouth. I won't have the ability to totally tune-out.

I have heard many bandsters warn that you can overeat such things as ice cream, milkshakes...etc. I am not worried about that, because, fortunately I am not a big ice cream person. I can pass on a bowl of ice cream easily. So, I'm good in that aspect! Now, mashed potatoes are another thing- good thing we don't allow those at our dinner table anyways!

My first consult with the surgeon is this Tuesday, the 4th, and I am equally as excited as I am nervous. We still haven't heard back from BCBS yet, so fingers crossed.

More to Judge

Oh, I mean Love. Okay, I finally watched the dvr'd premiere of More to Love. Hmmmmm, where to start, where to start. I have such mixed emotions. Notice how the same guy who created ABC's Bachelor created this show, but only FOX could be talked into airing it? Interesting.

So first of all, when all of the skinny-minnie size 4 models/cheerleaders show up to star on ABC's Bachelor, their height and weight isn't displayed for all to see. I mean, seriously!? Seriously!? Who in the he!! thought of that one? Those poor girls. The viewers can plainly judge for themselves who might weigh what....it DOESN'T MATTER who weighs 170 and who weighs 278. Isn't the whole show supposed to be about how size doesn't matter? But yet, the Bachelor keeps talking about how he likes large/curvy women. So, should all the skinny girls be upset about the biased casting for THIS show? I know that is far fetched, but why can't shows like this cast a variety ( just like real life folks) of sizes?

THEN, you have the Bachelor...what's his name....Luke? Who talks like he is in some kind of Dr. Phil therapy session with all of the girls. So, when he tells a girl how beautful she is and how any guy would be lucky to have her, is she supposed to feel all warm and fuzzy inside when he sends her packing? Most (if not all) of the girls have stated that this is their "last ditch effort" to find love, their last chance. How sad. The show doesn't show impowered, strong woman. It focuses on an almost desperate side of how miserable the ladies are, further establishing the "poor fat girl" theme. They're always crying in the confession segments!!! I might tune in again to see if the theme changes, but for now I feel that the show is nothing but blatant exploitation set out to stomp on the hearts of 19 poor woman.

I wonder how many frat houses all over the country tune-in just for the night's entertainment?

Oh, my gosh! I almost forgot. How about the fact that not only did they serve food, but they showed the girls eating? They have NEVER shown, or served for that matter, food at the socials on ABC's the Bachelor. What's next, their "fantasy dates" at McDonalds? I can't believe Emme is okay with how the show turned out. Let's hope it gets better.

I am My Own Worst Enemy

My husband and I went to a Jason Mraz concert tonight, and I couldn't help but be moved when he said:

"You can have anything you want at anytime."

It Worked Out Great!

Thanks for all of your well-wishes everyone! The evening turned out to be just fine, and I actually really enjoyed the performance. We saw The Sound of Music, it was wonderful!

When my friend and I first arrived at our row, I noticed another lady in her party was sitting towards the end and I was thinking, oh good- she'll scoot in and I will have the end seat! But, she stood up to let us by. The other lady claimed that she was going to take up three seats because she wanted leg room. Did she notice I needed a$$ room? :)

As it turned out, nobody sat to the right of me, so I was able to lean away from my friend. I prayed a few times in my head, thank you God, thank you God, thank you God....

I couldn't cross my legs or move around, but I was perfectly comfortable. Phew!

So Worried...

My friend invited me to attend a Broadway production with her this evening, and I am absolutely panic stricken! I am SO afraid that I won't fit comfortably in the seats and that I will be "spilling" over into the seats next to me. I HATE this! These are the times where you hit yourself in the head with a frying pan for not having lost weight yet.

Please pray that I get through this evening with my dignity intact and that I actually enjoy the show!

What's The BIG Deal?

Okay, so have you seen advertisements for Fox's new show More to Love hosted by Emme? I would love to know what all of you think about it.

Good idea? Why? Why not?

Lawn Chairs and Breastmilk

Now, how's that for a post title?!

Yesterday the boys and I were invited to a "pool party". One of my friends had a few other gals and our kiddos come over for sprinkler fun in her back yard. While I was getting the boys ready to leave, a thought hit me like a thunderbolt. "Oh no! She is probably going to have folding lawn chairs to sit on!". Unfortunately, my fears came true. Once we got there I couldn't help but notice four strategically placed lawn chairs that donned seating areas about 14 inches wide made out of weathered fabric. Oh good, not only are they small, but the fabric is already all dry rotted! Let's see, let's see..... hmmmmm..... how am I going to avoid sitting down? All of the other ladies were already sitting down next to one another enjoying conversation when one of them dropped the bomb, "Sit down right here and come chat with us". Great, so now if I don't sit down it's because I don't want to "chat".

Thinking like a stressed out Mommy (that isn't hard to do), I quickly told them that I wasn't even going to bother sitting down because as soon as I did, one of the boys would need me. So, I might as well just stand up and prepare myself to run around. Did they buy it? Maybe. Maybe not. But I got some weird expressions. To top it off, one of the gals who probably weighs around 110, announced that she felt like her chair was going to break. Ha!

Switching noodles-
On my way home I decided to go ahead and pick up the prescription for my new anti-depressant. My best friend so kindly convinced me that I was worth the $60. Before my doctor's office called it in, they told me that it should be just fine to continue nursing my one year old off and on while taking this medication. So, I forked over the $60 and read the patient information sheet once I got home. And there it was. In BIG, BOLD letters: DO NOT BREASTFEED WHILE TAKING THIS MEDICATION. Oh great. Thanks Doc! Men.

My Husband is so Cute...

Tonight at dinner, my husband looked at me and said something very cute, but I couldn't understand him at first because the restaurant was noisy.

Hubby: So, when the van is paying....
Me: WHAT!?
Hubby: So, when the band is praying...
Me: WHAT!? I CAN'T hear you! Our van is praying?!
Hubby: (poor guy) When. your. band. is. playing...what will you eat when we come here?
Me: When my band is playing? Is that going to be your code for when I am banded?
Hubby: Yes.

I love him.

On another note, I contacted a surgery center in Monterrey, Mexico following several wonderful referrals to Dr. Rumbaut. I was so impressed with his US contact, Cathy, that I was all prepared to schedule my surgery, apply for my passport and arrange airfare. However, my husband asked for me to call BCBS ONE more time and talk to them about our policy covering it.

And guess what? They DO cover the procedure. Now, how stupid do I feel? We will still have to pay quite a bit out of pocket because our plan is not that wonderful, but it is still better than $21,000!!! My fear now is that we will have to wait for a year or two while jumping through a bunch of hoops to satisfy BCBS all the while paying obscene rates which will eventually pay for the surgery anyways!

If I went to Mexico, $7,900 would cover everything and the surgery could take place as soon as I am ready. Like now. But here in the US, I have heard that it takes substantially longer. So, I am waiting to hear back from my local surgeon after they have worked a bit with my insurance.

I am starting to feel extremely anxious. But, my husband has been uber supportive which is just wonderful. There is nothing worse than trying to make a life changing decision and your loved one not being on board.

Now all I have to do is mentally prepare myself for if the time comes that I have to tell my parents that their "little girl" is traveling to MEXICO for surgery!

Do You Have $20,100 I Can Borrow?

I got in touch with my local bariatric surgeon's office today and discussed briefly what the fee schedule would be for a cash-pay patient for the Lap-band procedure. Hoping for a reduced rate, compared to what they might charge health insurance companies, I held my breath waiting for the information.

Here is the breakdown:

Surgeon: $5,000 (not bad, not bad...I can swing this...breathe)
Anesthesiologist: $1,600 (ouch, okay...we can do this...breathe)
Hospital fee: $13,500 (ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!? GASP)
Grand Total: $20,100

Why on earth would the hospital be so darn expensive? Even if the surgeon had reduced rates, the hospital doesn't give a fart and won't budge an inch. The lady at the surgeon's office told me that they have made special requests in the past only to be denied.

What irritates me majorly about this is the fact that IF my BCBS DID pay for such a procedure, the hospital would be lucky to see $3,000 of it once the contracted rate had been paid. Why are cash paying patients punished!? I hate it! You think I could march in there and say, " Look, BCBS would only pay you $3,000, BUT it's your lucky day because I am willing to pay you $3,500 if you are interested". Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way.

Mexico anyone? I never did go on a Spring Break fling.

Hurt Feelings

So this morning I can't help but feel saddened. I am in the process of making a terribly hard decision. One that undoubtedly will change my life forever. The change ahead could be wonderfully healthy or tragically flawed. I DO NOT know what lies ahead.

I lay in bed at night and echos of my friend's and family's voices fill my head with, "Ah Lynn, why don't you just eat less and exercise more!?". I would love to have an answer for them, but after 25+ years of absolute self hatred and madness, I am terrified to "try one more time" only to fail again.

I am tired of doing well for three days and then shoving my finger down my throat because I ate something I wasn't supposed to. I have tried numerous diets, counseling, medication....etc. in the past and I have failed. It is this fear of failure, yet again, that has led me to consider the Lap-band surgery.

It is NOT that I am weak, or taking the easy way out. It is merely a tool that I have not tried yet- a last resort if you will. Some people are understandably upset about my consideration -after all, I haven't gone under the knife just yet- and I have no problem with hearing others' words of disappointment. Trust me, I am disappointed in myself that I have even had to consider this option. But, why would care about me any less? Why am I all of a sudden not of interest to you? Does my story and struggle no longer exist? If you don't want to keep up with my continuing battle with my ill health, then that is fine. But, please don't make me feel any worse than I do. I understand that some people might feel frustrated...think I am a dumb little girl...but, just because you have lost weight successfully the old fashioned way, doesn't mean that I can or that you can magically do it for me.

I have a past as well, and while I might not be able to blame a terrible molestation experience on my situation, I am still left to struggle with what I have been doing to myself for over two decades. Can I dare risk struggling for 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 13 more years? Can I risk that I won't be here for my boys when I die of a heart attack at the age of 39?

If someone has a magic globe out there, please let me know. But until then, I am going to trudge along reading all of your stories for continuing inspiration while I also explore all of my options. I hope you can all understand. I look up to all of you in all different ways...some of you are father figures...some of you mothers....some of you the best friend that will never turn your back...and I thank each and every one of you for being patient with me. I can only hope that I will continue to find non-judgmental support.

I just want to add one more thing. When I thought I had finally "gotten it" last summer I too felt bad for those who hadn't yet "gotten it". I remember looking at overweight individuals and feeling bad for them. I wanted them to feel how wonderful it feels to lose weight- how easy it was for me now. If they would just give it a try- Something had clicked and it felt wonderful. Food wasn't my crutch anymore for some reason and I had successfully lost 35 pounds. It felt wonderful! Then, unexpectedly.... well, you know the rest. Can I keep going in circles?

Hiccups

When I woke up this morning, I felt like a different person. I noticed I was more patient with my children, I was singing, and for once felt optimistic about things. But unfortunately, things went downhill from there. It's amazing how irritating small hiccups along the way can be when you are feeling poorly about yourself...and life for that matter.

I ended up on the phone with Vonage for over 5 hours today. Seriously, 5 hours! So for 5 hours, my poor 1 and 3 year olds were given the cold shoulder while the Vonage reps tried their best to give me a heart attack. I was almost certifiable by the time I got off the phone with them. It ended up taking them another 3 hours to fix the problem. All just to add a line- somthing that should have taken 5 minutes. I digress.

I am trying to feel good about myself and my decision, but the fact that my insurance will not pay for the procedure has really put a burden on my decision and my interaction with my poor hubby. I can tell he wants so badly to be supportive, but deep down inside I can tell he doesn't think we can swing it. I also found out today that my new anti-depressant costs over $60 a month! So, I am afraid to risk trying a new prescription in case it doesn't work for me. I am currently taking Wellbutrin, but it has contributed to my anger and anxiety...so out the window it goes!

I am sure you all can relate- sometimes when it seems like you can finally start feeling better about yourself and things around you- you run into more bumps in the road. I just get so tired of feeling like I am constantly treading water just to keep my head above the surface. I want so badly to give life my all!!!

I appreciate everyone's supportive comments about my proceeding to look into the Lap-band procedure. Thank you! And thank you to the people who have so graciously, and generously, decided to support me on this endeavor by helping me get closer to my goal.

Why I Have Decided to Undergo the Lap-Band Procedure

I realize that with any decision to undergo bariatric surgery comes a whole host of reservations and judgment. I have decided that bariatric surgery is a highly personal decision and that it takes a great deal of strength to make it.

After fighting with my weight for more than 25 years, I have decided that I have no more time to waste. I have two young boys, and I need to save myself for them, my husband and most importantly for me. I am facing a future of obesity related cancers and heart disease and the idea of leaving my family early terrifies me.

I have decided that the Lap-Band procedure will provide me with one small piece of the puzzle and with proper counseling, nutrition and exercise, I will uncover a new me. I need to be healthy and active for my family. I want to be able to participate in my favorite activities comfortably. I want to fly freely, without fear of not fitting in the seat. I want to hike, bike, camp, canoe, run, go to amusement parks, go to the beach and most importantly live. I am tired of turning down all invitations to social gatherings in fear of being seen.

I have hidden behind walls for too long. It is time for me to break free and do something for myself.

Thank you so much for reading my story and for your consideration to help me. I am truly blessed in many aspects of my life and I am so grateful to have all of you. THANK YOU!!!

If you cannot help financially, that is okay. Please know that your supportive comments are always welcomed.

Days 8, 9,10 & 11....I think...I've Lost Count (With Pictures!!! Oh Goody)

Well, for the most part, things have been going pretty well. One bad thing is that my back has still been bothering me, so I haven't been able to get in any exercise, which might explain how I have actually GAINED 2 pounds. Seriously!? Seriously.

I have been giving this low carb my all- keeping my carbs around 35 grams per day and the scale is moving up. I have decided that I am going to stick with it while I start exercising and see what happens. It looks like I am going to have to also start counting my calories which I REALLY didn't want to have to do. When I count calories I totally obsess and usually end up starving myself and practicing my good'ole bulimic habits. Hate. it.

I plan on doing at least 30 minutes on the elliptical tonight so hopefully this will get things moving in the right direction.

And for my motivational entertainment.......... (I have NO idea why I had that horrible, disgusted look on my face. Maybe it was the sun?)

I feel so disgustingly ugly in these pictures, I can't even stand it. I don't even recognize THIS
person. Who is this?

Days 5, 6 & 7 of Low Carb

My best friend came for a visit on Friday, so I haven't been able to update my progress with my "new eating plan". For the most part, things are going well. However, my best friend is also my old eating buddy. So, I had quite a few chances to blow it, big time.

Instead of eating like crazy the WHOLE time she was here, I think I did pretty well. I strayed away from the low carb plan for a whopping serving of chocolate cake, french toast, and several cookies. BUT, I stayed away from french fries, milk shakes and Dr. Peppers (DPs are the love of my life and are always knocking on my front door) and that is actually a victory for me believe it or not.

My husband and I decided that Sundays are going to be our "eat what we want days" so I helped myself to a serving of Cinnabon for breakfast and CiCi's for dinner with a sundae from Dairy Queen to top it all off. We start again tomorrow with no more than 35 carbs per day.

Instead of beating myself up for my apparent weakness over the course of the weekend, I am trying to realize that I could have done MUCH more damage and I need to feel grateful for any improvement. On the plus side (or minus) I've lost another pound even with my obvious indulgence. So, maybe there is something to be said for restricting certain days of the week and then indulging one day to help reset your metabolism.

On another note, I have decided that I need to speak with a counselor. I have known for a while now, that I really need to be talking with someone, but the time has come for me to get my hiney in gear and make an appointment. I am feeling nervous though about reaching out to the woman in my life for a referral. Wish me luck.

Day 4 of Low Carb Eating

First, the good news: I am down to 284 from 290 on the fourth morning of eating low carb.

The bad news?

Well, if having a summer cold, a herniated disc and no AC wasn't enough, my husband just told me that one of our credit card companies just raised our interest rate from 7% to 35% just because they can. Isn't that lovely? So, in addition to coming up with an extra $5,000 for our new AC unit, we have to come up with another $500 a month to compensate for the rate increase. I can't believe this is actually legal! Advanta is the company, but apparently they went under and some "other" company is now handling the accounts. My husband said that the representative barely spoke English, and that he just kept repeating the same thing over and over again. The government regulates everything- but who in the heck is regulating this! We are just a typical American family fighting hard to make ends meet, and this is what we get. We're moving!!!

Okay, rant over.

But, I can't tell you how delicious a plate of carbs sounds right about now. I think I will go take a nap instead.

FYI:
Apparently there is a new law signed by Obama that states that credit card companies cannot raise rates unless a consumer is OVER 60 days late for a payment. BUT, the law doesn't come into effect until February, so credit card companies are scrambling NOW to raise all the rates before they are no longer able to do so. B@stards. So, watch out!!!

Day Three of Low Carb- GRUMPY!

Well, I have heard that eating low carb can cause mood swings, but I am out of control! My poor husband. He is probably outside plotting our divorce this very minute. ;)

We decided to eat at Long Horn tonight and I ordered prime rib with steamed veggies. Unfortunately, my dinner is now sitting in the fridge because my one year old refused to sit still at the restaurant for one more second. Also, there will be no exercise for me, yet again, because I irritated my slipped disc this morning- Ouch! I am having all I can do to not take my prescribed narcotics. Even though my dear husband is a Chiropractor, there isn't much he can do for this. And to top it all off, it's my TOM. Joy.

Some other bad news today, our air conditioning unit is DEAD. As in will not work. AND, it was almost 94 degrees here in the southeast today. So to pass some of the day, I ran a few errands with the boys to stay out of the house. We have all the fans running and blinds closed, so we should be good for a while. It is going to cost us close to $5,000 to replace it. And lets face it folks, nowadays people just don't have an extra 5 grand sitting around. I have a small shop on ETSY, but I am afraid that it will take me 10 years to make that much! :)

Hope you are all well, and I look forward to sitting down and catching up with all of you.

Day 2 of Low Carb- Feeling Good so Far!

Today was our second day of low carb eating, my husband is doing it with me, which is very helpful. Even though he doesn't really need to lose weight, it helps if we both eat the same things. I hate having to prepare totally different meals for the family.

I don't feel deprived at all...yet. We have discovered delicious spicy soy and flax seed torilla chips from Trader Joe's that are super, super yum and only have 6 carbs per serving and are packed full of fiber and protein. AND, they actually fill me up! In addition to that, to help with my sweet cravings, we have found that Atkins makes a to-die-for chocolate and coconut bar (that tastes just like the Mounds candybar) and only has 3 net carbs and Breyers makes a low carb ice cream that tastes better than the original. Seriously.

The scale showed a five pound loss from 290 to 285 in one day. BUT, I could tell I lost a ton of water. I am interested to see what the scale says tomorrow. I plan on following a low carb meal plan until I shed a few pounds and start to feel better about myself. After that I want to go back to following a low calorie sensible diet and once my feet don't hurt so bad from gaining 40 pounds overnight, I hope to start pounding the pavement.

Switching noodles- I was at Target today with my boys and while heading towards the exit, we passed a woman. My three year old son turns to me and says, "That was a lady Mommy. She was a small lady and you're a big lady". I simply said, "Thanks for the observation honey". *SIGH* We can always count on our kids for brutal honesty can't we.

Wait! Stop! You're going the wrong way!!!

Or is that WEIGHT stop, you're going the wrong way. Instead of my scale moving down, down, down, I have successfully put ALL my lost weight back on and then some. I have managed to go from 253 all the way back up to 290. I started my serious weight loss attempts over a year ago at 288.

In addition to ridiculous depression, which I am on meds for now, I have absolutely no energy. It's horrible. I am usually the big person who surprises people with my energy and can keep up no problem. BUT, last night while shopping in Wal*Mart (I hate that place), I found myself winded and experiencing muscle fatigue walking quickly across the store.

I have decided to give low-carb a try. Today was my first day and I was successful. I can't tell you how badly I want a crunchy snack or a sweet, declicious cookie, but besides surgery I just don't know what else to do.

Has anyone been successful at losing a good deal of weight eating low carb? I am at my wits end. I want out of this body- one way or another.

Ugh, Could We Please Do Away With All Of The Drama?

Well, my heart monitor scan came back normal. The irony of the situation is, that the few days after the holter monitor was removed, my heart palpitated like crazy. Figures.

The doctor decided to put me on Zoloft to help with my anxiety issues. He thinks that may be what is causing all of my ailments. WELL, after my third day of taking the Zoloft, I began to feel VERY sick. I developed a migraine and started vomiting, and by the end of the day, my Mom (who was visiting) found me on the bathroom floor. So, needless to say I am DONE taking Zoloft. I must be allergic to it or something.

I go tomorrow for a 4 hour blood test from 7:30am-noon, so I need to find a good book to read!

Unfortunately, with all what is going on, any weight loss hopes and desires have been thrown out the window. I want so desperately for all of this to be over so I can start feeling better and get back on track!

Day Four Failure

Well, the cleanse lasted for a whole (well almost) four days! On the evening of the fourth day, both my husband and I found ourselves downstairs in the kitchen looking for something to eat that didn't come from the ground! He chose Triscuits and cheese while oddly enough I chose a salad- but with CROUTONS! Yum.

So, day five...six...seven...and now day eight have all been with and without our cleansing rules. We're awful!

I have to say, I don't feel any better, and I lost 0 pounds! My dear hubby lost 5 pounds. No fair.

Switching noodles:

I went to the doctor today to discuss some episodes of light-headedness, nausea, chest pains, headaches and passing out. The doctor was fine, but I hate when they don't know the answers! It's always a big, fat guess. So, after an EEG, I find myself strapped to a 24-heart monitor (holter monitor) that falls off EVERY single time and lean over to pick up one of my children or one of their many toys. OBNOXIOUS. I just pray that it doesn't fall into the toilet. How on earth would I explain that one!? Gross. I also have to go in for a four hour blood sugar test to make sure I am not suffering from low blood sugar. Oh yeah! Guess what!? The scale at the doctor's said I weigh 270! I'll take it! Should I tell them it's wrong?

So, that's me right now. I hope you are all in your happy places!!!

Hmmmm, did someone say something about a HUGE steak? Because, I could seriously use a little protein right about now.

Ugh.

I'm STARVING!!!

Scrub, Scrub

My husband and I are starting a ten-day cleanse today. Wish me luck.

I don't plan on cheating, really I don't. But, I am afraid that my meals, consisting of a mysterious-black powder, will decide not to stay down.

We have to take 7 special vitamins 3 times a day and at least two fruit smoothies made from the mystery powder, flax oil and water. In between, we are only allowed to eat vegetables and fruit. I feel nauseous already.

I plan on living on applesauce with ground flax seed and cinnamon. Yum. I am glad I have the last book of the Twilight series to finish- it will be a great distraction from my rumbling tummy.

My husband is convinced this is the answer to ALL of my problems. I hope he's right. Wouldn't that be so nice? If after ten days ALL of my problems went away? I'm holding my breathe. Really. Really I am.

Okay, maybe not. It's breakfast time... here I go. I'll let you guys know how it goes!

Why?

Seriously!? Why do we insist on asking questions that we do not want to hear the answers to? Why do we choose to punish ourselves in such a way!?

(Last night while lying in bed next to my husband.)

ME: "Honey, how much more would you love me if I weighed 110 pounds?"
HIM: "I have no idea."

Okay, really. Could he throw me a freak'in bone here?

I asked. He answered.

One Size Fits Most

I happened upon this expression, yet again, while purchasing a cloth brace for my sore foot. When I noticed the "disclaimer" I couldn't help but wonder what went down at that meeting table during the politically correct conference that so cleverly developed this saying.

I imagined what a few of the discarded, deemed non-politically correct, rejects might have been:

• Warning: If you have ever worried about breaking, or have already broken a chair, this product will not fit you.
• One Size Fits "Normal" People
• If you are considered overweight, obese or morbidly obese, this product may not fit you.
• If your foot is sore due to weight problems, this brace probably will not fit you.
• In the event that this product feels too small, please do not return for refund. Contact your local chapter of Weight Watchers instead.
  
• Warning: do not purchase if your pants are too tight.
• One Size Fits Most People Who Do Not Have an Extra Stomach Roll.
• If you are worried about his product fitting, it won't, put it back.
• If the use of this product cuts off circulation to vital limbs, you are too fat.
• One Size Fits Most* (*If you notice this disclaimer, this product will be too small for you.)
• If you cringe at the thought of amusement park rides, water parks or an invitation to go canoeing, this product will not fit you.
  

I would love to hear some of your non-politically correct disclaimers, let's hear 'em! We can always use a good laugh.

Another Loss :(

The title says it all. But, unfortunately the loss is not a good one. As it turns out, I became pregnant again right after my miscarriage. It was greatly unplanned, but I felt that the Lord had a plan and assumed that lightning would never strike twice.

It did.

Now that I have had two early miscarriages, I am starting to wonder what is wrong with me. I am hoping that unlike last time, I won't gain 7 pounds in one week. I am hoping I can keep all of this in perspective.

Solo From Sodium

Well, today will mark my fourth day without adding extra salt to my food. For YEARS, I have dosed my food with salt to the point where my husband would tell me it looks like it had snowed on top of my food.

I decided Thursday, enough was enough. I placed all of our salt in a grocery bag and told my husband to hide it. I have always heard that it takes at least two weeks for your taste buds to reset, but let me tell'ya- I was noticing a HUGE difference on day two.

Not only have I lost 3 pounds already, but for the first time in as long as I can remember, I actually taste my food! I enjoyed a salad the other day and my brain went crazy- there were black olives to taste, onions, cabbage and carrots even the lettuce! I usually only taste really salty-salted dressing and every bite tastes the same.

I have noticed that my food cravings have depleted dramatically, and my consumption at meals has also been reduced. It's almost like my brain is finally receiving enough feedback and feeling satiety for the first time. Instead of one flavor -salty- I am experiencing a whole new phenomenon of tasting hundreds of flavors at every meal.

I was talking to my dear friend Kate earlier, and it all makes sense. It's kind of like sugar- the more sugar you have- the more you want. Why wouldn't salt be the same way? If you have a bowl of sour strawberries, with no sugar, you probably won't eat too many. BUT, if those sour strawberries are smothered in white, sugary goodness, you are probably going to eat them all...and probably want more! It's the same way for me with salt.

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."

Creeping

Well, I keep creeping on up the scale. After whats seems like a snap, but really almost a WHOLE year! I am starting ALL OVER AGAIN. This time with a starting weight of 276.6. I have quite a ways to go, but I have reached my limits again.

I find it so interesting how looking back over the past year, all I remember is how wonderful it felt to lose weight, and how awful and defeating it felt to gain. You know what I don't remember however? The food that I just had to eat.

So, why is it that if food makes us feel so "good", we wouldn't remember all of those wonderful temporary "highs"? I can't remember a single morsel that tasted better than losing weight feels. So, why wouldn't I choose to continue to feel good by losing weight?

It just doesn't make any sense.

Well, I Finally Did it

Yesterday was the day for my MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) meeting, and even though I still did not feel like socializing, the idea of sitting down for two hours while someone else cared for my boys sounded immensely appealing.

After dropping my boys off at the nursery, I headed on upstairs and prepared myself to socialize and plastered on a fake smiley face. I found my seat and placed my belongings down. When I hung my purse on the chair, I realized it felt a little loosey-goosey. "Great", I thought to myself, "I hope I don't break this chair".

Well, guess what!? After years and years of surviving through one of my greatest fears, I failed to continue that survival trend. In front of 40+ women (who are all quite thin- it's the area I live in, remember!?) I decided to take my seat. And take my seat I did, almost right down to the floor. When I sat down there was a cracking noise and I fell to the left. The woman on my right threw her arms out in an effort to "catch" me. To say I was humiliated doesn't properly portray the moment. What was I supposed to do, stand up and proclaim, "It was already broken, I promise!". I could have just died.

On my way to church for the MOPS meeting, I was reflecting on my life over the past week, and thinking about how I have managed to pack on 6 pounds in only 7 days. I was wondering to myself how I was going to stop my weight from spiraling out of control. I have been eating over my miscarriage, and I wasn't sure what was going to stop me.

Now, I am not one to think that the LORD reaps any benefit or joy out of embarrassing one of his children, but he sure did set me straight yesterday. When my chair broke I immediately thought to myself, "Oh, so this is how I am going to stop LORD. I see".

Just Get Over it Already

I have definitely secluded myself these past few days, and now it is to the point where I don't even want to answer the phone anymore.

I just can't stand the fact that everyone either completely ignores what happened, or they say the stupidest things. We spent yesterday with my in-laws and my MIL kept talking about all of the ladies in her life who had just had babies. SERIOUSLY? Can people be anymore insensitive? I sat through Easter service yesterday morning only to cry uncontrollably (quietly) through the whole thing :cry:. I couldn't stop the tears rolling down my face. My MIL and husband ignored me the whole time...not so much as a tissue or a holding hand.

I asked my MIL if she could watch my boys for me while I went to my midwives to ensure I didn't need a D&C and she acted like it would be a huge inconvenience (she doesn't even have a job!) and she never answered me. Am I asking too much to hear a, "Sure, no problem. I will help out anyway possible".

My own mother keeps telling me to, "Move on Honey. You need to stop thinking about it. You are bringing this on yourself right now Honey because you won't let it go". Does she honestly think I can just "stop thinking about it" when every few hours I am reminded when I go to the bathroom? How can I forget when I am still feeling the pain of my MC that happened less than a week ago?

I realize the people who I am referring to have never suffered a MC and obviously don't understand. But, I don't understand how everyone can expect me to "get over it".

I am sorry that this post seems so angry. I may be taking my pain out on the others around me.

ANGRY SO, SO, SO VERY ANGRY

So now that my hormones have plummeted since my pregnancy ended I have been experiencing what feels like the post-partum blues. I am an absolute mess...headaches, cramps, horrible snappy mood swings and my husband doesn't get it!

I asked him if he felt sad at all, and his reply was "Uh, nope, not really". He is completely "over it". Which leaves me to feel like I have to mourn on my own. I realize it might seem silly to "mourn" since my pregnancy lasted all of 6 weeks, but I can't control a lot of how I am feeling because of these darn hormones! AND, knowing that I was pregnant, even though for so little time, I had plenty of time to plan, hope and dream for so much.

At lunch time yesterday he told me that he had already told a few of his friends and patients that I was pregnant. When I asked him what he was going to tell them he said, "I am just going to tell them that just had a weird menstrual cycle and that you were never pregnant." I asked him if that was what HE thought, and he said "Yes, I don't think you were ever pregnant. I think you were just seeing things [the positive test]". So, now instead of receiving support from my OWN freak'in husband, he is in turn going to tell everyone that I am a complete looney by making me sound like a liar.

I just can't get over how insensitive he is being. He actually thinks I was never even pregnant...like I made up the whole blasted story or something!!! I have to go in for an appointment with my midwife next week to make sure I don't need a D&C which I am NOT looking forward to.

Oh, and one more thing, my husband has actually had the nerve to harp on me today about losing weight so we can save money on health and life insurance. He is so in the doghouse.

I am just so angry today. I can't stand it! I think I am going to end up in the nuthouse right next to my husband's doghouse.

Somber

I can't help but feel a little somber today and I was hoping by writing this post I can get past this and move on.

I found out I was pregnant for the third time about 6 days ago. Although I was in complete disbelief, I couldn't help but be overcome with joy and excitement. We were going to have a third baby! Hopefully a girl this time. I laid in bed at night running through baby names and the thought of bringing home another precious little one.

Unfortunately, my pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 2:00am this morning. I had been spotting and cramping off and on, but I was reassured that spotting and cramping are normal in the early stages of pregnancy. But there was just this feeling deep down inside that I just could not shake. I kept worrying about miscarrying, but at the same time I was sure that the pregnancy would carry on normally yielding a healthy baby.

So, I am feeling a bit confused, sad and angry today and all I want to do is eat, Eat, and EAT some more. If there is one time in my life where food is not a focus, it is when I am pregnant. I was looking forward to settling into the next 9 months or so with a clear head. I just wish I could figure out how to feel that way without being pregnant.

I was telling a friend that when I am pregnant, I feel that I have a "good excuse" to eat whatever I want, and because of this I don't desire to overeat. BUT, when I feel like I don't have an "excuse" I hide what I eat and can't eat enough. The mentality behind this is just weird. Basically all of the pressure to eat less and lose weight is completely gone when I am pregnant.

So....moving right along. Just another day.

***I was thinking this would be just like any other day, but this has proven to be quite a bit to handle for me. I had no idea, when my pregnancy was threatened, that it would be this painful.

Jewelry

Well, I am a complete jewelry nut and I have decided to buy and sell jewelry as a way to help contribute to our household income. I am super excited about this new venture, but also extremely nervous that it will flop. It seems like most things I have tried in life have led to failure. (Great attitude, huh!?)

I am going to primarily sell on Ebay and Craigslist, but I would love to one day branch out to a kiosk in our local mall (high hopes, I know). BUT, there are a few wonderful things that are going to come out of this new, crazy idea of mine.

For starters, I love to obsess. Surely you are not surprised by that, but this new idea has provided a wonderful distraction from my addiction to food. Instead of day dreaming about my next snack, I am feverishly searching online for jewelry.

And instead of buying further into debt, I can buy to help pull us out! It's a win-win situation. I get to shop for jewelry, buy it, drool over it once I have it in my hot little hands and then once I am over it, sell it!!!

With any luck, I will sell tons of stuff and I will be WAY to busy to think about over eating. I will become so rich that I will be able to afford a personal chef and ALL of my problems will melt away along with all of my extra fat. Oh wait, sorry I just pinched myself and woke up.

We can all dream, can't we?

Wait, I am a Little Confused. No. Make That VERY Confused.

Over the past few weeks I have been securing a pretty darn good milestone for myself. That milestone would be the absence of any fast food runs. For two weeks, or so, now I haven't visited a drive-thru in hopes of hiding food from my husband. I have had NO Dr. Peppers other than when we have gone out to eat.

I used to drive through at least once, if not several times a day to grab a large Dr. Pepper. It has been my weakness for quite a while. But of course, if you are buying a soda you might as well buy some fries and a sandwich to go with it. But wait! If you are going to buy all of that, you should just buy a meal and save money! Right!? I would often buy a pre-lunch lunch, or an afternoon lunch for a "snack". Feeling too full, I would feel victory when I sat at the dinner table with my family while "nibbling" on my small portion. I was purchasing a meal to go with my DP at least once a week. I would make a turn into a shopping center near a Chik-fil-A, and my three year old would ask, "Mommy, are you going to go get a snack now?". UGH, what am I doing? Not only to myself but to my kids. This is awful!!!

Our finances finally caught up with us, and I was stripped of any extra funds I might have previously been allowed to carry around in my purse. So, I guess you could say I was forced to stop eating fast-food. But, it worked. And now I haven't had the urge or even the thought while driving around town running errands. When my son has been asking for chocolate milk lately (which was his treat at Chik-fil-A), I simply tell him "no". I HAVE GOT to start setting a better example for my boys. They are both at the age where they are tiny human sponges and their patterns for life are being established RIGHT NOW.

So, where does the confusion part come in? I have gained almost 6 pounds over the past 2 weeks. GAINED. I really don't get it. I am eating so much less now that my fast-food runs have been eliminated. I have also been making a special point to eat better at home and I have been drinking nothing besides water or an occassional glass of Pepsi One here and there. I mean, what is going on? 6 pounds is quite a bit to consider ruling in womanly bloating or general water retention. My clothes are getting tighter and it isn't because they are shrinking.

GOD I hate this.

It Fits!!!

Well, not really. But, I CAN get it over my head! :) I decided to grin and bear it for some "before" pictures of my pretty new dress. I am hoping there will be some "after" pictures within the next year. Please don't mind the bed-head. So, here is my attempt to wear my new size 14 dress for the camera: (NO LAUGHING!!!- that would be just plain mean.)

Well the Weather Outside is Frightful...

...but my potato soup was delightful. I don't know about the rest of you, but where I live it's kind of yucky outside. I decided today would be a great day to try out a new, Weight Watchers friendly, potato soup recipe. I have to say, It was dee-lish!!! Here are the stats:

3 cans of chicken broth
1 bag of frozen Orieda O'brien potatoes
1 small onion, diced (optional, but yummy!)
1 packet of McCormick's white country gravy mix
***Optional: weight watchers cheese and Hormel REAL bacon bits

*Place the onion in the bottom of a sauce pan with just a splash of the chicken broth. When the onions have sauteed for a while, add chicken broth for a total of two cans. Stir in the potatoes and bring to a boil. While the potatoes are coming to a boil, place the third can of chicken broth in a bowl and whisk in the packet of gravy mix. When the potatoes have begun to boil, add the broth/gravy mixture to the pot and stir. Simmer for 15 minutes until broth has thickened a bit. Serve with a sprinkle of cheese and bacon bits. Enjoy!!!

1 cup= 1 WW pt.

Pitter-Patter Dress

I just wanted to let you all know that I got the VERY LAST Pitter-Patter dress from Anthropologie. I was so close to not getting it at all!!! Phew. It has already been shipped out, and should be here tomorrow or Wednesday. I am so excited.

Quote for the Day

"Don't count the days, make the days count."

No, That's Too Wrinkly

The Goodwill. Oh, the Goodwill. I have to say the idea of shopping at the Goodwill has been sounding mighty appealing lately with the economy the way it is right now. I graced our local store with my presence for the very first time (besides donating items) in hopes of finding some Spring/Summer shirts. My mother-in-law was with me looking as well.

I started on the pink rack and worked my way through the reds, purples and blues all the while finding a very common trend. There were absolutely NO plus sized shirts. I mean none. It was kind of weird.

While I was hopelessly searching, I was also looking for some items for my MIL. Every other shirt was from The Loft, Liz Claiborne, Talbots...etc. and they all seemed to be in HER size...a whopping medium. A medium PETITE to boot. Doesn't that P on the tag just add insult to injury? Anywho- I picked out tons of really cute/pretty shirts and held them up for her to see. "Uh, no" "Nope" "That's not my favorite color" "I already have something kind of like it" "That looks way too big" "No, that's too wrinkly"....etc... was all I kept hearing.

After leaving with NOTHING and my picky as he!! mother-in-law leaving with only one thing, even though she could have bought half the store, I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to have so many choices.

I guess we don't have the luxury of shopping for tons of clothes at a time. We are forced to chose from whatever our local plus gal shop is selling. I pretty much find something that fits and buy it in every color! I don't ever worry about something possibly looking wrinkly. If it fits, and looks pretty...buy it darn it!!!

I digress.

Comment Clarification

I do want to make sure that people who have left comments regarding the lap band issue are clear about something. I am in no way being insulted or upset by what you are all saying. This is a safe place to leave your opinion, and I have found everyone's opinions interesting. My last post about the issue was just to make sure that everyone knows that I would never consider making such a decision uniformed or on a whim. So, please don't feel like any apologies need to take place. Okay!? I love you ALL! But, some more than others. (Just kidding :) )

Holy Crap!

I just did something for myself!!! My husband might have my head on a platter, but I just bought my Pitter-Patter dress from Anthropologie!!! It was heavily discounted, and I was so scared that it would sell out on-line. They only had size 14 left, so a size 14 it is. I am so excited to get it! Maybe I should hang it in my pantry.

May I Help YOU?

Obviously during this time of contemplating surgery, I have done a TON of thinking and soul searching. One trait of my silly brain that I have noticed, time and time again, is my undying desire to help others.

I can remember years ago, while in high school, sitting next to a guy named Cory. He was severely over weight and was picked on unmercifully for his large size. I would always think to myself, "How could I help him? Maybe he would meet me at the track and exercise every morning. Maybe I could sit next to him at lunch and help him eat healthy foods...etc.". When I see other large people, I immediately think to myself, "Oh, he/she must be so unhappy. I want to help him/her! No one realizes how much they are suffering". My heart constantly aches for other people who I am pretty sure are suffering.

I have a very close friend who is on the fast track to a heart attack, and what do I do? I make him send me his meals for the week so I can scrutinize everything he eats so I can give him "advice" (well isn't this the pot calling the kettle black!) on how to make improvements. After all, struggling with the same issue for over 20 years surely makes me an expert. Right!?

So, at what point will I find my heart possessing the same compassion for myself that I constantly feel for others? Why am I always trying to help ("fix") other people? Am I that afraid to face myself? Why are complete strangers worth it, but I am not?

I am anxiously waiting for the time to come when I actually do something to help myself. Whether that is surgery or something other than, I just don't know. The soul searching continues.

Lap Band Discussion

I have really enjoyed reading everyone's opinions regarding lap band surgery. Thanks to all of you who have offered your 2 cents.

My husband and I plan on attending an information seminar sometime next month, which is the very first step towards any bariatric surgery. As much as I would like to "cancel" it, I very much would like to keep all of my options open for now.

I plan on stepping up my weekly exercise, which has been working so far, but food is still such a stinker for me right now. I hate it! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!! I hate it so much, I eat it to make it go away. :)

My husband says he will support me 100% with whatever my decision is, but he is very concerned about me having surgery, as is the rest of my family. I realize that after surgery, my diet and exercise will have to be pretty flawless in order for the procedure to be successful. So, I now beg the question, "If you have to eat right and exercise after the surgery, then shouldn't I just eat right and exercise without traumatizing my body?". Seems like common sense, right? I just keep thinking that to be FORCED to follow a plan and have a sense of structure will really help me.

I am still tapping my chin. This is not a light decision. But, my thoughts mostly point towards no at this moment.

***I do want to add that I DO NOT see this as a quick fix or easy way out. I HAVE been reading and researching this procedure for quite sometime now and feel pretty educated as to what I am even considering at this moment. I have shed quite a few tears and had many sleepless nights, and YES I do understand that there are healthier ways, but, just as with anything in life one-size-fits all isn't always the case. I can tell, by a few of the comments that are being left, that some of you think I was up late one night and happened to see an infomercial about lap band surgery. This is far from the truth. I just wanted to let you guys know that, I promise, I am not a complete idiot. I just think that my thinner/healthier self is inside screaming to get out, and all avenues are being scrutinized. That's all. :)***

Lap Band Surgery

So, I am taking a poll. I would like to know how many of you out there are terribly opposed to having lap band surgery. I am starting to flirt with the idea after 20 years of fighting what feels like a losing battle. My boys are getting older and are much more active. I am starting to feel like I can't keep up. Instead of feeling motivated, I am slipping more and more into a deep depression.

I am positively miserable and because of this I feel like I am not a nice person to be around. I snap at my kids and bite my husband's head off for no reason. There is just so much anger pent up inside of me regarding how much I hate my image.

I realize many people view the Lap Band as an easy way out. However, I feel that anyone who has that opinion hasn't struggled with the same demons that an overweight person has. I suffer from frequent panic attacks when I think about the fact that there is a good possibility I will continue to lose this battle. That isn't a good attitude to have, and I know that. But, after so many failed attempts, I am so tired of failing.

People suggest therapy and there is nothing wrong with that. But, for me therapy doesn't really help because there are no issues causing me to overeat other than my self image. It is a vicious cycle for me. I have such a poor self image that I overeat. Overeating causes me to feel bad about myself...I am fat, ugly, a failure...so I eat some more. I am sure this makes sense to most of you.

I was never abused while growing up, physically or mentally. Neither of my parents died, they never divorced and I have a strong, large, supportive family. SO WHAT IS MY PROBLEM!!!???

STUFFED

It's pretty bad when my only form of exercise for the day is packing myself into my jeans.

That's all I need to say about that.