Why?

Seriously!? Why do we insist on asking questions that we do not want to hear the answers to? Why do we choose to punish ourselves in such a way!?

(Last night while lying in bed next to my husband.)

ME: "Honey, how much more would you love me if I weighed 110 pounds?"
HIM: "I have no idea."

Okay, really. Could he throw me a freak'in bone here?

I asked. He answered.

One Size Fits Most

I happened upon this expression, yet again, while purchasing a cloth brace for my sore foot. When I noticed the "disclaimer" I couldn't help but wonder what went down at that meeting table during the politically correct conference that so cleverly developed this saying.

I imagined what a few of the discarded, deemed non-politically correct, rejects might have been:

• Warning: If you have ever worried about breaking, or have already broken a chair, this product will not fit you.
• One Size Fits "Normal" People
• If you are considered overweight, obese or morbidly obese, this product may not fit you.
• If your foot is sore due to weight problems, this brace probably will not fit you.
• In the event that this product feels too small, please do not return for refund. Contact your local chapter of Weight Watchers instead.
  
• Warning: do not purchase if your pants are too tight.
• One Size Fits Most People Who Do Not Have an Extra Stomach Roll.
• If you are worried about his product fitting, it won't, put it back.
• If the use of this product cuts off circulation to vital limbs, you are too fat.
• One Size Fits Most* (*If you notice this disclaimer, this product will be too small for you.)
• If you cringe at the thought of amusement park rides, water parks or an invitation to go canoeing, this product will not fit you.
  

I would love to hear some of your non-politically correct disclaimers, let's hear 'em! We can always use a good laugh.

Another Loss :(

The title says it all. But, unfortunately the loss is not a good one. As it turns out, I became pregnant again right after my miscarriage. It was greatly unplanned, but I felt that the Lord had a plan and assumed that lightning would never strike twice.

It did.

Now that I have had two early miscarriages, I am starting to wonder what is wrong with me. I am hoping that unlike last time, I won't gain 7 pounds in one week. I am hoping I can keep all of this in perspective.

Solo From Sodium

Well, today will mark my fourth day without adding extra salt to my food. For YEARS, I have dosed my food with salt to the point where my husband would tell me it looks like it had snowed on top of my food.

I decided Thursday, enough was enough. I placed all of our salt in a grocery bag and told my husband to hide it. I have always heard that it takes at least two weeks for your taste buds to reset, but let me tell'ya- I was noticing a HUGE difference on day two.

Not only have I lost 3 pounds already, but for the first time in as long as I can remember, I actually taste my food! I enjoyed a salad the other day and my brain went crazy- there were black olives to taste, onions, cabbage and carrots even the lettuce! I usually only taste really salty-salted dressing and every bite tastes the same.

I have noticed that my food cravings have depleted dramatically, and my consumption at meals has also been reduced. It's almost like my brain is finally receiving enough feedback and feeling satiety for the first time. Instead of one flavor -salty- I am experiencing a whole new phenomenon of tasting hundreds of flavors at every meal.

I was talking to my dear friend Kate earlier, and it all makes sense. It's kind of like sugar- the more sugar you have- the more you want. Why wouldn't salt be the same way? If you have a bowl of sour strawberries, with no sugar, you probably won't eat too many. BUT, if those sour strawberries are smothered in white, sugary goodness, you are probably going to eat them all...and probably want more! It's the same way for me with salt.

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."

Creeping

Well, I keep creeping on up the scale. After whats seems like a snap, but really almost a WHOLE year! I am starting ALL OVER AGAIN. This time with a starting weight of 276.6. I have quite a ways to go, but I have reached my limits again.

I find it so interesting how looking back over the past year, all I remember is how wonderful it felt to lose weight, and how awful and defeating it felt to gain. You know what I don't remember however? The food that I just had to eat.

So, why is it that if food makes us feel so "good", we wouldn't remember all of those wonderful temporary "highs"? I can't remember a single morsel that tasted better than losing weight feels. So, why wouldn't I choose to continue to feel good by losing weight?

It just doesn't make any sense.

Well, I Finally Did it

Yesterday was the day for my MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) meeting, and even though I still did not feel like socializing, the idea of sitting down for two hours while someone else cared for my boys sounded immensely appealing.

After dropping my boys off at the nursery, I headed on upstairs and prepared myself to socialize and plastered on a fake smiley face. I found my seat and placed my belongings down. When I hung my purse on the chair, I realized it felt a little loosey-goosey. "Great", I thought to myself, "I hope I don't break this chair".

Well, guess what!? After years and years of surviving through one of my greatest fears, I failed to continue that survival trend. In front of 40+ women (who are all quite thin- it's the area I live in, remember!?) I decided to take my seat. And take my seat I did, almost right down to the floor. When I sat down there was a cracking noise and I fell to the left. The woman on my right threw her arms out in an effort to "catch" me. To say I was humiliated doesn't properly portray the moment. What was I supposed to do, stand up and proclaim, "It was already broken, I promise!". I could have just died.

On my way to church for the MOPS meeting, I was reflecting on my life over the past week, and thinking about how I have managed to pack on 6 pounds in only 7 days. I was wondering to myself how I was going to stop my weight from spiraling out of control. I have been eating over my miscarriage, and I wasn't sure what was going to stop me.

Now, I am not one to think that the LORD reaps any benefit or joy out of embarrassing one of his children, but he sure did set me straight yesterday. When my chair broke I immediately thought to myself, "Oh, so this is how I am going to stop LORD. I see".

Just Get Over it Already

I have definitely secluded myself these past few days, and now it is to the point where I don't even want to answer the phone anymore.

I just can't stand the fact that everyone either completely ignores what happened, or they say the stupidest things. We spent yesterday with my in-laws and my MIL kept talking about all of the ladies in her life who had just had babies. SERIOUSLY? Can people be anymore insensitive? I sat through Easter service yesterday morning only to cry uncontrollably (quietly) through the whole thing :cry:. I couldn't stop the tears rolling down my face. My MIL and husband ignored me the whole time...not so much as a tissue or a holding hand.

I asked my MIL if she could watch my boys for me while I went to my midwives to ensure I didn't need a D&C and she acted like it would be a huge inconvenience (she doesn't even have a job!) and she never answered me. Am I asking too much to hear a, "Sure, no problem. I will help out anyway possible".

My own mother keeps telling me to, "Move on Honey. You need to stop thinking about it. You are bringing this on yourself right now Honey because you won't let it go". Does she honestly think I can just "stop thinking about it" when every few hours I am reminded when I go to the bathroom? How can I forget when I am still feeling the pain of my MC that happened less than a week ago?

I realize the people who I am referring to have never suffered a MC and obviously don't understand. But, I don't understand how everyone can expect me to "get over it".

I am sorry that this post seems so angry. I may be taking my pain out on the others around me.

ANGRY SO, SO, SO VERY ANGRY

So now that my hormones have plummeted since my pregnancy ended I have been experiencing what feels like the post-partum blues. I am an absolute mess...headaches, cramps, horrible snappy mood swings and my husband doesn't get it!

I asked him if he felt sad at all, and his reply was "Uh, nope, not really". He is completely "over it". Which leaves me to feel like I have to mourn on my own. I realize it might seem silly to "mourn" since my pregnancy lasted all of 6 weeks, but I can't control a lot of how I am feeling because of these darn hormones! AND, knowing that I was pregnant, even though for so little time, I had plenty of time to plan, hope and dream for so much.

At lunch time yesterday he told me that he had already told a few of his friends and patients that I was pregnant. When I asked him what he was going to tell them he said, "I am just going to tell them that just had a weird menstrual cycle and that you were never pregnant." I asked him if that was what HE thought, and he said "Yes, I don't think you were ever pregnant. I think you were just seeing things [the positive test]". So, now instead of receiving support from my OWN freak'in husband, he is in turn going to tell everyone that I am a complete looney by making me sound like a liar.

I just can't get over how insensitive he is being. He actually thinks I was never even pregnant...like I made up the whole blasted story or something!!! I have to go in for an appointment with my midwife next week to make sure I don't need a D&C which I am NOT looking forward to.

Oh, and one more thing, my husband has actually had the nerve to harp on me today about losing weight so we can save money on health and life insurance. He is so in the doghouse.

I am just so angry today. I can't stand it! I think I am going to end up in the nuthouse right next to my husband's doghouse.

Somber

I can't help but feel a little somber today and I was hoping by writing this post I can get past this and move on.

I found out I was pregnant for the third time about 6 days ago. Although I was in complete disbelief, I couldn't help but be overcome with joy and excitement. We were going to have a third baby! Hopefully a girl this time. I laid in bed at night running through baby names and the thought of bringing home another precious little one.

Unfortunately, my pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 2:00am this morning. I had been spotting and cramping off and on, but I was reassured that spotting and cramping are normal in the early stages of pregnancy. But there was just this feeling deep down inside that I just could not shake. I kept worrying about miscarrying, but at the same time I was sure that the pregnancy would carry on normally yielding a healthy baby.

So, I am feeling a bit confused, sad and angry today and all I want to do is eat, Eat, and EAT some more. If there is one time in my life where food is not a focus, it is when I am pregnant. I was looking forward to settling into the next 9 months or so with a clear head. I just wish I could figure out how to feel that way without being pregnant.

I was telling a friend that when I am pregnant, I feel that I have a "good excuse" to eat whatever I want, and because of this I don't desire to overeat. BUT, when I feel like I don't have an "excuse" I hide what I eat and can't eat enough. The mentality behind this is just weird. Basically all of the pressure to eat less and lose weight is completely gone when I am pregnant.

So....moving right along. Just another day.

***I was thinking this would be just like any other day, but this has proven to be quite a bit to handle for me. I had no idea, when my pregnancy was threatened, that it would be this painful.

Jewelry

Well, I am a complete jewelry nut and I have decided to buy and sell jewelry as a way to help contribute to our household income. I am super excited about this new venture, but also extremely nervous that it will flop. It seems like most things I have tried in life have led to failure. (Great attitude, huh!?)

I am going to primarily sell on Ebay and Craigslist, but I would love to one day branch out to a kiosk in our local mall (high hopes, I know). BUT, there are a few wonderful things that are going to come out of this new, crazy idea of mine.

For starters, I love to obsess. Surely you are not surprised by that, but this new idea has provided a wonderful distraction from my addiction to food. Instead of day dreaming about my next snack, I am feverishly searching online for jewelry.

And instead of buying further into debt, I can buy to help pull us out! It's a win-win situation. I get to shop for jewelry, buy it, drool over it once I have it in my hot little hands and then once I am over it, sell it!!!

With any luck, I will sell tons of stuff and I will be WAY to busy to think about over eating. I will become so rich that I will be able to afford a personal chef and ALL of my problems will melt away along with all of my extra fat. Oh wait, sorry I just pinched myself and woke up.

We can all dream, can't we?

Wait, I am a Little Confused. No. Make That VERY Confused.

Over the past few weeks I have been securing a pretty darn good milestone for myself. That milestone would be the absence of any fast food runs. For two weeks, or so, now I haven't visited a drive-thru in hopes of hiding food from my husband. I have had NO Dr. Peppers other than when we have gone out to eat.

I used to drive through at least once, if not several times a day to grab a large Dr. Pepper. It has been my weakness for quite a while. But of course, if you are buying a soda you might as well buy some fries and a sandwich to go with it. But wait! If you are going to buy all of that, you should just buy a meal and save money! Right!? I would often buy a pre-lunch lunch, or an afternoon lunch for a "snack". Feeling too full, I would feel victory when I sat at the dinner table with my family while "nibbling" on my small portion. I was purchasing a meal to go with my DP at least once a week. I would make a turn into a shopping center near a Chik-fil-A, and my three year old would ask, "Mommy, are you going to go get a snack now?". UGH, what am I doing? Not only to myself but to my kids. This is awful!!!

Our finances finally caught up with us, and I was stripped of any extra funds I might have previously been allowed to carry around in my purse. So, I guess you could say I was forced to stop eating fast-food. But, it worked. And now I haven't had the urge or even the thought while driving around town running errands. When my son has been asking for chocolate milk lately (which was his treat at Chik-fil-A), I simply tell him "no". I HAVE GOT to start setting a better example for my boys. They are both at the age where they are tiny human sponges and their patterns for life are being established RIGHT NOW.

So, where does the confusion part come in? I have gained almost 6 pounds over the past 2 weeks. GAINED. I really don't get it. I am eating so much less now that my fast-food runs have been eliminated. I have also been making a special point to eat better at home and I have been drinking nothing besides water or an occassional glass of Pepsi One here and there. I mean, what is going on? 6 pounds is quite a bit to consider ruling in womanly bloating or general water retention. My clothes are getting tighter and it isn't because they are shrinking.

GOD I hate this.

It Fits!!!

Well, not really. But, I CAN get it over my head! :) I decided to grin and bear it for some "before" pictures of my pretty new dress. I am hoping there will be some "after" pictures within the next year. Please don't mind the bed-head. So, here is my attempt to wear my new size 14 dress for the camera: (NO LAUGHING!!!- that would be just plain mean.)

Well the Weather Outside is Frightful...

...but my potato soup was delightful. I don't know about the rest of you, but where I live it's kind of yucky outside. I decided today would be a great day to try out a new, Weight Watchers friendly, potato soup recipe. I have to say, It was dee-lish!!! Here are the stats:

3 cans of chicken broth
1 bag of frozen Orieda O'brien potatoes
1 small onion, diced (optional, but yummy!)
1 packet of McCormick's white country gravy mix
***Optional: weight watchers cheese and Hormel REAL bacon bits

*Place the onion in the bottom of a sauce pan with just a splash of the chicken broth. When the onions have sauteed for a while, add chicken broth for a total of two cans. Stir in the potatoes and bring to a boil. While the potatoes are coming to a boil, place the third can of chicken broth in a bowl and whisk in the packet of gravy mix. When the potatoes have begun to boil, add the broth/gravy mixture to the pot and stir. Simmer for 15 minutes until broth has thickened a bit. Serve with a sprinkle of cheese and bacon bits. Enjoy!!!

1 cup= 1 WW pt.

Pitter-Patter Dress

I just wanted to let you all know that I got the VERY LAST Pitter-Patter dress from Anthropologie. I was so close to not getting it at all!!! Phew. It has already been shipped out, and should be here tomorrow or Wednesday. I am so excited.

Quote for the Day

"Don't count the days, make the days count."

No, That's Too Wrinkly

The Goodwill. Oh, the Goodwill. I have to say the idea of shopping at the Goodwill has been sounding mighty appealing lately with the economy the way it is right now. I graced our local store with my presence for the very first time (besides donating items) in hopes of finding some Spring/Summer shirts. My mother-in-law was with me looking as well.

I started on the pink rack and worked my way through the reds, purples and blues all the while finding a very common trend. There were absolutely NO plus sized shirts. I mean none. It was kind of weird.

While I was hopelessly searching, I was also looking for some items for my MIL. Every other shirt was from The Loft, Liz Claiborne, Talbots...etc. and they all seemed to be in HER size...a whopping medium. A medium PETITE to boot. Doesn't that P on the tag just add insult to injury? Anywho- I picked out tons of really cute/pretty shirts and held them up for her to see. "Uh, no" "Nope" "That's not my favorite color" "I already have something kind of like it" "That looks way too big" "No, that's too wrinkly"....etc... was all I kept hearing.

After leaving with NOTHING and my picky as he!! mother-in-law leaving with only one thing, even though she could have bought half the store, I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to have so many choices.

I guess we don't have the luxury of shopping for tons of clothes at a time. We are forced to chose from whatever our local plus gal shop is selling. I pretty much find something that fits and buy it in every color! I don't ever worry about something possibly looking wrinkly. If it fits, and looks pretty...buy it darn it!!!

I digress.

Comment Clarification

I do want to make sure that people who have left comments regarding the lap band issue are clear about something. I am in no way being insulted or upset by what you are all saying. This is a safe place to leave your opinion, and I have found everyone's opinions interesting. My last post about the issue was just to make sure that everyone knows that I would never consider making such a decision uniformed or on a whim. So, please don't feel like any apologies need to take place. Okay!? I love you ALL! But, some more than others. (Just kidding :) )

Holy Crap!

I just did something for myself!!! My husband might have my head on a platter, but I just bought my Pitter-Patter dress from Anthropologie!!! It was heavily discounted, and I was so scared that it would sell out on-line. They only had size 14 left, so a size 14 it is. I am so excited to get it! Maybe I should hang it in my pantry.

May I Help YOU?

Obviously during this time of contemplating surgery, I have done a TON of thinking and soul searching. One trait of my silly brain that I have noticed, time and time again, is my undying desire to help others.

I can remember years ago, while in high school, sitting next to a guy named Cory. He was severely over weight and was picked on unmercifully for his large size. I would always think to myself, "How could I help him? Maybe he would meet me at the track and exercise every morning. Maybe I could sit next to him at lunch and help him eat healthy foods...etc.". When I see other large people, I immediately think to myself, "Oh, he/she must be so unhappy. I want to help him/her! No one realizes how much they are suffering". My heart constantly aches for other people who I am pretty sure are suffering.

I have a very close friend who is on the fast track to a heart attack, and what do I do? I make him send me his meals for the week so I can scrutinize everything he eats so I can give him "advice" (well isn't this the pot calling the kettle black!) on how to make improvements. After all, struggling with the same issue for over 20 years surely makes me an expert. Right!?

So, at what point will I find my heart possessing the same compassion for myself that I constantly feel for others? Why am I always trying to help ("fix") other people? Am I that afraid to face myself? Why are complete strangers worth it, but I am not?

I am anxiously waiting for the time to come when I actually do something to help myself. Whether that is surgery or something other than, I just don't know. The soul searching continues.

Lap Band Discussion

I have really enjoyed reading everyone's opinions regarding lap band surgery. Thanks to all of you who have offered your 2 cents.

My husband and I plan on attending an information seminar sometime next month, which is the very first step towards any bariatric surgery. As much as I would like to "cancel" it, I very much would like to keep all of my options open for now.

I plan on stepping up my weekly exercise, which has been working so far, but food is still such a stinker for me right now. I hate it! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!! I hate it so much, I eat it to make it go away. :)

My husband says he will support me 100% with whatever my decision is, but he is very concerned about me having surgery, as is the rest of my family. I realize that after surgery, my diet and exercise will have to be pretty flawless in order for the procedure to be successful. So, I now beg the question, "If you have to eat right and exercise after the surgery, then shouldn't I just eat right and exercise without traumatizing my body?". Seems like common sense, right? I just keep thinking that to be FORCED to follow a plan and have a sense of structure will really help me.

I am still tapping my chin. This is not a light decision. But, my thoughts mostly point towards no at this moment.

***I do want to add that I DO NOT see this as a quick fix or easy way out. I HAVE been reading and researching this procedure for quite sometime now and feel pretty educated as to what I am even considering at this moment. I have shed quite a few tears and had many sleepless nights, and YES I do understand that there are healthier ways, but, just as with anything in life one-size-fits all isn't always the case. I can tell, by a few of the comments that are being left, that some of you think I was up late one night and happened to see an infomercial about lap band surgery. This is far from the truth. I just wanted to let you guys know that, I promise, I am not a complete idiot. I just think that my thinner/healthier self is inside screaming to get out, and all avenues are being scrutinized. That's all. :)***

Lap Band Surgery

So, I am taking a poll. I would like to know how many of you out there are terribly opposed to having lap band surgery. I am starting to flirt with the idea after 20 years of fighting what feels like a losing battle. My boys are getting older and are much more active. I am starting to feel like I can't keep up. Instead of feeling motivated, I am slipping more and more into a deep depression.

I am positively miserable and because of this I feel like I am not a nice person to be around. I snap at my kids and bite my husband's head off for no reason. There is just so much anger pent up inside of me regarding how much I hate my image.

I realize many people view the Lap Band as an easy way out. However, I feel that anyone who has that opinion hasn't struggled with the same demons that an overweight person has. I suffer from frequent panic attacks when I think about the fact that there is a good possibility I will continue to lose this battle. That isn't a good attitude to have, and I know that. But, after so many failed attempts, I am so tired of failing.

People suggest therapy and there is nothing wrong with that. But, for me therapy doesn't really help because there are no issues causing me to overeat other than my self image. It is a vicious cycle for me. I have such a poor self image that I overeat. Overeating causes me to feel bad about myself...I am fat, ugly, a failure...so I eat some more. I am sure this makes sense to most of you.

I was never abused while growing up, physically or mentally. Neither of my parents died, they never divorced and I have a strong, large, supportive family. SO WHAT IS MY PROBLEM!!!???

STUFFED

It's pretty bad when my only form of exercise for the day is packing myself into my jeans.

That's all I need to say about that.

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

The Good:
I realized this morning, that after five years of marriage and two babies later, I only way 3 more pounds than I did when I got married. The way I am about food, I could easily be 500 pounds by now!

The Bad:
After five years, I haven't managed to lose any weight!

The Ugly:
How I am feeling lately as I am ingesting all sorts of disgusting grossness. I am not in a good place right now with my eating disorder. There is quite a lot going on in my personal life right now, so I am hoping that once things slow down a bit, I can start to take better care of myself.

I hope you are all doing well. Please forgive me for being absent lately. I really, Really, REALLY need to hold myself accountable to all of you and blog on a regular basis. There just hasn't been much to say lately. No typing, just eating.

"Crack! Crack! Get Your Fresh Crack Here!"

Despite the title of this post, there is no need to contact the Feds. I of course cannot help anyone find their next narcotics fix. But, it does get me thinking...

The other day I was watching a show documenting several drug addicts who were in the process of recovering. One particular individual really got my attention. He was a meth addict leaving a rehabilitation center and about to enter a halfway house. While touring the halfway house, the counselor went over some rules with him, one being that if he EVER becomes high or brings meth into the house, he is immediately turned out on his butt even if it is at 2:00am.

The documentary followed him for a time, and interviewed him once he was at the halfway house. He was captured one evening telling the camera how hard it was to face reality. He said, "I never expected these emotions to be so powerful. Normally when I felt overwhelmed or anxious, I would just go and get high. It's really hard to face reality right now". His story really got me thinking about all of us food addicts.

These recovery drug addicts couldn't use ANY drugs. PERIOD. However, we food addicts have to keep eating, regardless of our addiction. We can't just stay away from food. Could you imagine what it would be like for recovery drug addicts if they had drugs readily available at all times.

What would it be like if there was crack in their food pantries and refrigerators? In every single gas station location? On every single street corner? Cracky's, "Get your old fashioned crack here", McCrackalds, Crack King, Crack Bell, Crackway, Crack Castle ...etc. They have WHOLE stores devoted just to drugs...Drug Lion, Harris Drugs, Druglix, ...etc. Could you imagine sitting next to a drug addict at a baseball game, "Crack! Crack! Get your fresh crack here!". How would these poor people ever start to imagine a recovery from their addiction? How would they ever be expected to drive past twenty drug dealers, openly advertising easy, fresh and warm crack on their way to work everyday?

Unfortunately, with our addiciton, our "drug" is everywhere. It's a wonder that people are so hard on the over-weight and obese. We are facing quite a difficult battle. Unlike alcoholics and other drug addicts, we must continue to get our "fixes" but we can only have small, moderate "fixes" we can't just stop eating all together. How much is too much for us? Is it okay to have just a little of that? Or should we go ahead an have a lot of that? This addiction is hard folks. There are no concrete lines drawn in the sand or rules for us to follow.

We all have to do our best, whatever that may be for us. This recovery from food addiction is very personal and not cut and dry, and this recovery is far from easy.

I Have a Stalker

Well, here I am. I have decided to post today because I have found myself stalking my own blog. I keep visiting my own blog as though by some miraculous happening, there will be a new post about a huge step in the right direction.

There are two of me right now. One wants so badly to "clean up my act" while the other wants to stay angry and bitter. My clean self keeps hoping to find a source of inspiration, while my bitter self continually finds excuses to stay that way.

My family and I have all been suffering from an illness that has really thrown us for a loop. I have found myself eating even when I feel sick to my stomach. It's just plain weirdness. I am using food to feel better, and I know that. I just wish that my sick little brain would realize that eating while nauseous is never a good idea. My sick kiddos are on my last nerve, and Mommy needs a break!

I have managed to pack on 10 pounds over the last month or so. I keep telling myself at least I haven't gained it "all" back, but a 10 pound gain has left me feeling like one blubbery blob. I was feeling so good for a while. I want that feeling back.

My life has been thrown in a few different directions lately, but I hope to have the time to sit down and visit with all of you once again. I don't mean to be a downer, so please forgive me! I am looking foward to spending Christmas day with my extended family, and I hope that you all have a wonderful Holiday as well!!! Merry Christmas everybody.

I'm Still Alive

Hey everyone! I just wanted to write a quick update. My life has been kind of hectic lately, and I have not been in a very good place.

I desperately want to return to blogging on a regular basis and give this journey my all! Please bear with me. I am currently struggling.

It's ALL About Me. Didn't You Know That!?

Throughout my journey, I have had numerous revelations. It seems that as soon as "something" dawns on me I feel strong and convicted. However, that feeling seems to leave just as fast as it appeared. So I really, really need to hold on to this one.

I was enjoying a nice rest today (thank you boys!) while my kiddos were sleeping and my wheels started turning and I began to pray. While I was talking to God, I realized that my prayers have a common denominator..."ME". Suddenly, it hit. My newest revelation.

Please don't get upset at me for JUST now realizing this. I have thought about this before, but never in this magnitude. So here it is- I am in control. Me. Just me. Me and me only.

My parents didn't make me fat. My friends didn't make me fat. My husband doesn't keep me fat. My children don't make me fat. I am in charge of, well, EVERYTHING! I cannot blame anyone else for where I am except for myself. I got myself into this mess and I have to get myself out.

It has always been so easy to blame my anger or depression about an injustice for my weight problems. So many times I have told my dear friend Kate, "If only I knew why I did this". This statement always bore a certain responsibility for my situation, but what I was really asking was, "What happened to me in the past that made me fat?". Was it my father's constant criticism? Was it my mother's lack of attention to me? Was it this? Was it that? WHO CARES!!!

I need to get over it. The past is the past. Only I can control the future. The rest of it doesn't matter. I can be anything I want to be. I can stay fat. I can do that, if I want. I can get fit and healthy. I can become an avid camper, skier, biker, hiker. I can be a happy, energetic mommy for my boys. I can be a happy, loving wife. I choose my destiny. I am my own worst enemy.

Why have I chosen to be fat, sad, depressed, angry, hostile...who knows. But I want to be something else, and I am the only one who can change me. It is time to stop blaming and to start becoming the person I want, and have always wanted, to be!

Here Discipline, Discipline, Discipline....

I just don't get it. I was doing so great a few months ago, and now I seem to have just lost all of my discipline. Somehow I am right back to the "I just don't care" attitude. How does this happen?

Just a few months ago, I was exercising regularly, able to make wise choices when it comes to food, and I was losing and feeling great! Now, I am eating endlessly and I can't seem to stop....again. What is it about this self-defeatist attitude I have? It seems like whenever I am doing great and finally starting to feel good about myself again, I start to destroy it. Do any of yo
I was getting compliments left and right from the people who really matter in my life and my clothes were starting to fall off. I was on track to achieving all of my goals and now I am just wallowing in self despair once again.

Do you have any advice for me? I really want to know if this happens to you, and why you think we do this to ourselves. I know I am worth it, but the evil one sitting on my left shoulder tells me otherwise I guess. I wish I could just flip the switch, but it is too dark in here and I can't find it.

That Time of Year

Well, the holidays are officially upon us. We are all about to be faced with bowls full of leftover Halloween candy, tables full of turkey, dressing and pies, and plates full of beautifully decorated Christmas cookies. Whose idea was it to celebrate with food anyways? Obviously someone who didn't have a weight problem.

I am not sure if you saw the new Bed, Bath & Beyond flier yet, but it displays quite perfectly what lays ahead. There are four pictures. In the upper left corner, a picture of beautifully prepared food with a "Yummy" printed, in the picture below that...more food and another "Yummy". The picture in the top right corner? More treats, and more "Yummy". The last picture, the picture in the bottom right corner, is a picture of a woman standing on a scale that quite simply says "Uh-Oh".

It's that time of year again folks and there is no better time than now to put all of our hard work and resolve to the test. I am trying to gear up. In order to ensure that no Halloween candy is left over, we are giving out play-doh and toys (This also works well to rest well at night knowing that we will not be contributing to someone else's health and obesity problems later in life.) Also, for Thanksgiving, we usually treat ourselves to a rather pricey buffet meal at an outrageously delicious( and quite expensive) restaurant. The buffet works well for us because we feel that we get to eat all that we can in one sitting and we have no leftovers at home to haunt us for the days following.

I don't know about you, but I am quite positive that a fair portion of my left thigh can be directly contributed to my ten servings of left over dressing every year while growing up. By eating at the restaurant, we get to sample all the yummy food without having to bare the guilt of finishing all the leftovers.

Do you have any helpful hints to help us all make it through these food centered months ahead? I know I would love to hear them. I need all the help I can get ladies (and gents :))!

I'm Back

Hey everyone! Sorry for my absence from all of your blogs lately. I have been very busy and out of town visiting with my family these past few weeks. I just got home this evening, so this post will be short and sweet. I've got tons to do!

I am looking forward to taking my time tomorrow to visit all of you. I hope you are all doing great!

I ate like a horse while I was at my parents' house and my Aunt Flo came for a visit! So needless to say, I am not looking forward to my weigh-in tomorrow morning.

Giggles

Some New Non Scale Victories

As you all know, I have been having a pretty rough time lately. As a consequence of my higher than usual stress levels, I am making sure I pay close attention to all the NSVs that are occurring in and around my life. Here are a few that have made me smile lately:

• I now run around with my son at the playground- WITHOUT worrying about what the other parents are thinking. This is huge for me. Up until recently skipping around with him was more like dragging concrete blocks around strapped to my feet.
• My clothes are getting baggier and a bit too large to be wearing.
• My husband told me the other day that my legs are "little". I am sure he meant to say "smaller". ;)
• And, last but certainly not least, my two year old son is starting to refuse offerings of sugar. Isn't that amazing? I have been trying to teach him about the negative effects that sugar has on our bodies, both short and long term, and it seems to be working! Last night he had a chance to vend for a gumball and he said, "No, I don't want it. I don't need a treat, I've had enough and it's not good for my body." He then turned to me and gave my quarter back. Yay! (There is a catch to this lesson however, he is also abusing the recent health teachings to say such things as, "No thank you Mommy, salad is bad for my body". O'well. A work in progress...)

What has been the BIGGEST NSV in your life?

Yay! I'm Obese

I remember like it was yesterday seeing the official diagnoses of "Obese" on my doctor's routing slip back when I was still in high school. I cried so hard in my car, the whole way home. I vowed to lose weight, but never did. I only moved from obese, to severely obese, and then right on up to morbid obesity.

Since starting my journey a little over four months ago, I have moved out of the morbid range, into the severe range, and now into just obese. It's amazing to see how these subtle weight changes actually effect your health and overall BMI. I am struggling to keep my head in the game right now, but seeing the rest of you succeeding and reading your stories is keeping me going. Thank you.

I saw a segment on The Sunday Morning Show the other morning of some great footage of the current peak season up in Vermont. It depicted some of the most beautiful images of vibrantly colored leaves, and gorgeous sounds of babbling brooks and raging rivers. It brought me back to my days of camping and hiking, and I am holding onto this feeling for dear life. My plan is to schedule a Vermont getaway with my husband for this time next year. I want to be able to hike, canoe and enjoy the outdoors while soaking in the crisp fall air, all while enjoying being significantly healthier and smaller. I plan to look forward to the plane ride up there, for the first time in my life without fear of not fitting into the seat comfortably.

If I make the reservations, there is no going back; some serious extra motivation.

I always stop and look at all of the tents and camping gear while shopping in Target. I am dreaming of the day that I can live an active life again, without embarrassment. My husband deserves it, my boys deserve it, and by-golly so do I.

Ewwwwie

I want to start off by sending a sincere Thank You to all of you. I greatly appreciate your encouragement and support. I am so glad I have a safe place to be honest without fear of rejection or judgment. With that said...

My two children and I have spent the past three days stricken with a nasty stomach bug- at both ends (TMI, I am sure). So, needless to say, things have been pretty interesting around here. My two year old started it off, and my poor 10 month old is still getting sick. I feel so sorry for the little guy, he doesn't understand! At least he has breast milk to help him recover quickly. I have always wondered how a mother takes care of herself and her children (bathing, changing clothes, diapers, changing bedding, doing laundry, mopping up the floor and scrubbing the carpet...) while they are all throwing up, but now I know all too well. I hope we don't have to do this again...EVER!

Last Monday, I made a decision to STOP all of my madness, and break my cycle. I promised I wouldn't "get sick" anymore. THEN I woke up sick (beyond my choice). How ironic. Over the past few days, I have lost a total of 10 pounds. I am sure a good 5 pounds of that is dehydration.

So, I hope to take my new weight loss kick-off and run with it. A fresh new start. The only good thing that can come out of a situation like this.

Thanks again you guys for actually caring about me.

An Explanation

I feel like I need to share exactly what is going on in my life right now. I keep writing about stress and how it is effecting me, so I wanted to be clear about what it is that is making me feel so darn stressed!

In addition to my undying desire to lead a healthier (and much thinner) life, I am dealing with a few other thought occupying matters.

First of all, money. Please know I realize we all have money woes. However, I make our situation worse by dealing with it by indulging in retail therapy and buying junk food. Enter more stress.

We are in the process of moving my husband's office to a new location to be more convenient for his patients. This move has occupied my husband's time day and night, so I am receiving very little help at home with the kids. We have had to rack up our credit cards even more by installing walls, doors, carpet/baseboards/tile and painting to get the new space move-in ready. My husband has been one huge ball of stress himself, and at this point we are just pinging off each others' emotions.

In addition to everything else, my son has started pulling his hair out. This has happened before, and we had to shave all of his hair off. I was told by his pediatrician, and by a child psychologist, that he may require cognitive therapy and behavioral rehabilitation. I am NOT dealing well with this development. At all. I can't help but feel that there is something I could have done to prevent this. I was told that this is his response to stressful situations. Aren't we just a pretty family? I'm fat and my son is bald.

So, that is a sampling of what is occurring in my life right now. I have had little time to devote to my weight loss efforts. I am so exhausted at the end of the day, that exercise seems impossible. I have been tied up in a cycle of breaking down and binging, feeling guilty about it, starving myself the rest of the day and promising myself I will do better tomorrow, only to wake up and start the cycle all over again. I am going to look into some bulimia support groups in my area. Hopefully there is something that is low cost or free. I wish I understood myself better so that I could learn to handle my emotions in a better way.

More Stress = Larger Stomach?

I really can't figure out why stress makes me overeat. I mean, my stomach hasn't grown along with my stress levels, so where is it all going? A few weeks ago before all of my anxiety occurred, I was content and always felt full with a "normal" serving. Now, it seems as though I am always hungry and I can't ever seem to fill the hole.

According to what I have experienced and read on other blogs, it appears that this is a common trend amongst most of us.

If anyone would like to shed some light on this mystery, I would greatly appreciate any insight. It has always made me scratch my head. I would love to hear your opinions.

Chick Fil'Anxed

As you all know, I have been hanging on to the back gate of the wagon for dear life for a few weeks now. Today was no exception. I started my day with a nutritiously scrumptious Chick'fil A sandwich with a Dr. Pepper. After meeting a girlfriend (who is doing WW) at a local playground so our kids could play we headed off to do some shopping at the mall. Once we arrived, we realized we needed to feed the kiddos lunch before they fell apart.

My choices were either pizza (too messy for a two year old), Burger King, Subway (again, too messy), chinese or Chick'fil A. I opted for Chick'fil A because it was quick, easy and I knew my son would eat it. So began my second round of fastfood for the day. Halfway through my lunch, a conversation ensued between my WW doing friend and me. Now, keep in mind this is the SAME friend who has in the past invited me for all sorts of ice cream and fastfood runs when she needed a friend to accompany her. Why not call your fat friend? Right? And she always tries to get me to eat fastfood while we are meeting up for playdates. So, anyways...this is what was said:

FDWW (Friend doing Weight Watchers): That's a lot of points.
Me (not smiling with an eyebrow raised): Yup, I am sure.
FDWW: Your fries are like 12 points alone.
Me: Okay, thank you. I don't really care today. Today is just that kind of day for me.
FDWW: That Dr. Pepper is 6 points, and...
Me: Please, seriously, just be quiet, I don't care.
FDWW: ...did you get a wheat bun or a regular?
Me (both eyebrows raised): Well, I assume regular because I didn't specify.
FDWW: So, your sandwich is like 13 points. Did you get lowfat mayonnaise?
Me: I don't really care today. I am just in the mood to eat what I want.
FDWW: So, which one?
Me: What?
FDWW: Lowfat or regular?
Me (SIGH): Regular. BUT I DON'T CARE. SO PLEASE BE QUIET!!! I REALLY DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!
FDWW(with a smirk): So that is like 35 points for ONE meal. That is a WHOLE days worth for you.
Me: Thank you very much. I guess that's bad, huh?

Was it possible she was just trying to be helpful? I doubt it. She hasn't proven to be a friend who really watches out for me and my weight, so the conversation just really annoyed the heck out of me.

ANGRY

I am having some serious issues with anger lately. I just can't seem to get my emotions under control. Things have been very stressful around here, and there doesn't seem like there is much light at the end of the tunnel.

My husband is in the process of opening a new office, and the work involved is never ending. I haven't been getting much support from him lately, and I feel like things are starting to take a toll on us. The kiddos are taxing the mess out of me and my head is spinning in so many directions.

Yesterday was a horrible day. I started off okay, but ended up going on a binge/purge run to Micky D's (only because it was the closest source of grossness), eating all day long, purging after dinner and desert and of course no exercise. I laid in bed last night realizing that I have developed a REAL problem here. My past behaviors have come back to haunt me...full force. It's amazing how many emotions are involved in this kind of behavior. There seems to be such a relief after the fact. All of my feelings, that have been bottled up, come hurling (sorry, no better word) out leaving behind a huge feeling of ease.

I think I may need to address my issue with either counseling or medications, but we don't have the money for counseling, and my son is still nursing which rules out the medication. I realize that I could ween my son, but nursing him longer means the world to me.

I am just spinning out of control. I don't know what to do.

Flop, Flop, Flop....One Flop After Another....

My yard sale was a flop.

My efforts to purge from my garage and house were a flop.

My exercising has flopped, big time.

My weight loss efforts are flopping in the wind.

Flop, flop, flop....it's fun to say, but what kind of word is flop anyways?

I just feel floppy.

Okay, one more....here it comes....hold on....flop. That's the last one, I promise!

WHEW!

What a long week this past week has been. I have been so stressed out, it's unbelievable! My Mom decided to come for a visit, which was great, but I am kind of relieved to have her gone. For some reason we did our fair share of arguing while she was here. She really stressed me out. I guess I will always be her "little girl" which grants her the right to nag, pick on and irritate the mess out of me. But, my boys LOVE her to pieces, so I am always sad for them when she has to go.

We are having a neighborhood garage sale tomorrow, and I have had ladies calling me for weeks to come and see what baby stuff I have left. At the rate I am going, I am going to have measly scraps to put out at the sale tomorrow. It sounds good, but I am just trying to clear enough space to get my husband's car back in the garage. We have so much junk it isn't even funny.

I have heard, from several sources, that having a cluttered house actually contributes to weight gain- which I completely agree with. It seems that I get so overwhelmed with the messes I have in our nooks and crannies and all the stuff packed into our closets, that instead of grabbing the bull by it's horns and cleaning, I shut down and pass the stress by eating. It's kind of like leaving your mouth loose and open yields a quicker and easier childbirth- it's all connected. With that I mean the stuff we carry around in our lives seems to weigh us down- possessions and extra weight. When my closets are clean, I feel much lighter. And when I feel lighter I probably burn more calories with the extra bounce in my step and eat less because I feel better. Does that make sense?

I am hoping to greatly reduce the clutter in my house over the next few weeks. It just seems like I am always bringing more "stuff" into the house, ie. diapers, fall/winter clothes for the boys, groceries...etc, then I can ever purge. I just want a HUGE pick-up truck to show up in my driveway and haul it all away. It would be so liberating not to have all this clutter.

Tapeworm

YAY! I am NOT Going Insane...

...that's always a good feeling. I was so relieved last night to find out that my Aunt Flo had come for a visit. I haven't seen her in almost 19 months...crazy. As disappointing as her appearance was, it was such a great feeling to realize that my past few days worth of psycho symptoms are being laid to rest. My brownie making, french fry craving, crying for no reason, water retention...all there for a reason. PHEW!

AND, the best part of the story was my weight this morning. Aunt Flo came bearing a gift...the gift of weight loss. I FINALLY got to see the 250s this morning, 258.4 to be exact. I am so happy, but still moody so don't mess with me!!! ;)

Just a Wii Bit Addicting

Exercise? Addicting? Yup, the Wii Fit does a great job of making you want more...More...MORE!!! After engaging in an absurdly large amount of sugar yesterday (I made the brownies :( and my husband bought donuts from Dunkin...which I didn't eat), my husband and I decided it was time to set up the Fit. Up until then, we hadn't quite decided if we were going to keep it. However, with the kiddos in bed and it being way too hot to exercise outside, we booted up the Wii.

Within minutes we were fighting over the possession of the remote. It was actually really neat! We had to create Miis, characters that look like you to play the Wii, which was loads of fun. The Fit did some really neat calculations and provides tips, motivation, goal setting, BMI, weight, progress reports, charts and graphs!

Once we started attempting some of the exercises, we found ourselves just plain wanting more. They make it addicting by allowing room for continual improvement, and when you are competing with your spouse, you can't go to bed until the last man standing wins! Which was of course my husband :). I found the hola-hoop exercise to be quite demanding, after three turns I was winded and my abs are sore this morning! My husband attempted a four minute, run-in-place exercise and repeated continually, "I'm going to die, I'm going to die, I'm going to die....". It was hilarious! He actually had a hard time getting through it.

Goals for today: stay away from sugar and fast food, and beat my husband at slalom skiing!!!

Sorry For The Radio Silence

I haven't posted a blog recently because there just hasn't been anything, well worthwhile at least, to discuss.

I have been having a hard time with my food and exercise. Due to my lack of scale rewards, my NSVs seem to be pushed onto the back burner at the moment. I haven't exercised for the past four days, and I have been feeling FAT, LAZY, and TIRED. I don't know if I am about to get my monthly (I haven't had one since my son was born 9 months ago...so I just don't know) or if some personal and business stresses have contributed to my blatant lack of motivation.

There is a box of brownies in the pantry downstairs just calling my name. The ONLY reason I am NOT making them is because I don't think my husband would remain silent about such a splurge, and I just don't feel like listening to a speech tonight. I am just craving BAD, BAD, BAD food lately. I don't know why. Ugh. I hope for my sanity I can get a grip. And soon.

Killing Me Softly

I have been doing really well with food lately. My life has been very hectic and I have been extremely busy, too busy to eat! I have been sure to get in all three meals with a bite or two of a snack in between, and I have been downing quite a bit of unsweetened green tea. I have also been able to squeeze in some nightly exercise and I have been achieving my goal of no eating after dinner. It's been kind of nice to be too busy to worry so much about food.

So here's the killer....
I stepped on the scale yesterday, after 3 days of wonderful, on-track eating and the scale showed a whopping 264. WHAT? I was just 260 3 days ago. THEN...when I stepped on the scale this morning, again after another day of good eating, it showed 265.4. Are you kidding me? I am gaining? Now, I really, Really, REALLY don't think I have gained 5 pounds of muscle. So, seriously, what in the heck is going on here? I am completely bewildered.

I Just Got My A$$ Kicked!

Nice title. I know. However, Leslie Sansone, in the Walk Away the Pounds series, just beat me up doing her 3 mile walk. For some reason it really left me feeling the burn tonight!

So, on to the funny stuff. Well, not funny ha ha, but funny how ironic. I came up to my computer after my stretching and cool down only to find my husband finishing off his Mickey D's ice cream. He shook his head and muttered, "You're going to be skinnier then me if you keep this up." Yes please. :)

Wii, Wii, Wii, Wii All The Way Back to the Store?

So, how many of you either own a Wii and Wii Fit, or have heard about it? I know that the internet says they are the latest craze, but are they really worth it? It being $400+ for everything you would need?

I was able to get my hands on a Wii today, and I have a Wii Fit set up with someone from Craigslist. My husband thinks I am planning to either return the system or sell it to someone else who has been looking for one.

I need to know if it is worth a $400 fight? Money is by no means knocking on our door these days, but I would really like to have one. I think. I am afraid if we wait until we can afford one, we won't be able to find one again. Christmas is rapidly approaching, and I am sure that the Wii will be impossible to find. Because of our financial situation, I really feel like I am asking ALOT from my husband. So, is it worth it!? Any helpful information would be greatly appreciated!!!!!!!

It was interesting to see my highs and lows today while I was on the Wii mission. When I heard that my local Wal*Mart had one in stock, I got the kids into the car and sped off all the while feeling a wonderful sensation of excitement and anticipation. Would it still be there when I got there? The hunt was on. I literally ran with two kids in tow to the electronics department.
Well, it was there. I bought it. I headed home.
I felt a huge sense of dissapointment while driving back to my house. The hunt was over.
Then my husband said maybe we could keep it! I felt all smiley and excited all over again. I even danced around the house a bit.
But, I already feel all dissapointed again. Buyers remorse I guess.

My point here? My point is that this has always been my food cycle. When I am on my way to buy food, I am so super excited about my upcoming celebration with all sorts of delicious goodies. Then, after I have eaten them, I feel all depressed.

Why do I feel a need to put myself through such torment? What on earth do I get out of throwing myself into such horrible uncomfortable situations? I am working on this question. If it isn't food, it's something else. Anything for that quick, very short-lived high.

The Golden Arch Enemy

Last Friday night, around 9:30pm, my husband could no longer repress his craving for McDonalds. Being the good "little" wife that I am, I grabbed the car keys and proceeded to take his order. I quickly realized that I was more than happy to go for him and even felt some excitement.

After I analyzed my emotions, it was clear to me that the "old me" was so happy to have an "excuse" to binge on McDonalds late at night. The "new me" chimed in with an overwhelming feeling of guilt for wanting to poison my husband with the toxic spill they call food. I decided rather hastily that I would not be getting any food, but I still felt that I needed to keep my husband happy and I jumped in the car.

Not once on the way did I waiver on my decision not to order any food. I decided that I would order a large un-sweetened icedtea and enjoy that on the way home instead of being tempted to pick at my hubby's fries.

I arrived, ordered the "food" and started driving away. I put a straw into my icedtea and took a big'ole gulp. PLUCK! It was super, d-duper sweet! Of course. Down here in the south, the sweet tea is more like a cup full of corn syrup with tea flavoring. So, I had to go back! For a split second, I was scared I would decide to order food, but I stayed strong.

I was also able to ward of the late night temptations again, when my husband decided he wanted Arby's for dinner, on the way home from visiting with family last night. This is really big for me you guys. One of my favorite things in the past was to talk about cravings late at night with my husband and then have one of us jump in the car to go fetch a large amount of food.

I am feeling so good about how much easier it is getting to avoid bad foods. I feel like I have come too far on this journey to turn back, and that my body is becoming so much healthier. My brain is receiving better nutrition and therefore making MUCH better judgment calls. The more I am away from all the fast food junk, the less I even want it. Not only have there been many times when I had the excuse to eat junk food, but I actually have an adverse reaction to it now. Yuck, no thank you!

Hallelujah, Hallelujah...FINALLY!!!

Thank you LORD! After struggling this WHOLE month just to lose 3 pounds, I finally made it. 25 pounds lost, finally! Woo-hoo! I so needed this today, giving up had started looking mighty appealing. I wasn't expecting the miracle this morning because when I weighed last night (I like to try to guess what it will be in the morning) the scale showed 269. So, I guess all the water I chugged after my bike ride last night kept the number high.

I am going to wear a perma-smile ALL DAY. :)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go download a new HYC button. YAY!

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. I am severely obese today. No longer morbidly obese. That sounds so much better!

Today's Laugh

I just read a friend's blog in which she goes on to say that their health insurance rate is $10 higher than they were expecting. The reason? Because her husband is 10 pounds underweight. Damned if you do, damned if you don't!!!

Obsession 101

I have blogged several times before expressing my dismay when it came to my recent obsessing over what I eat. A wave of irritation came over me yesterday, and I couldn't help but feel fed up with having to work on my weight loss so darn hard. I thought about how much easier it would be to just accept myself the way I am, and to eat whatever and whenever I want. It is so much easier then counting calories, trying to burn off what I DO eat, and obsessing about what I will eat for the next meal. The brain work that goes into this is tremendous.

But, let me tell you. This thought of mine was very short lived. My thinking was quickly diverted into remembering how things were for me "before". I remembered how when I was eating and living unhealthy, I was still obsessing. I obsessed about what I was going to eat next, how much of it I could eat, and who would know. I obsessed about how fat and miserable I was and how I was such a failure. I obsessed about how my husband must be grossed out by me. I obsessed about how I was going to die early and miss out on my grandchildren and how angry my children would be at me for not taking better care of myself. I obsessed about never being able to go to the pool, skiing, horseback riding, amusement parks, to try on clothes or be seen in public PERIOD without feeling terribly uncomfortable in my own skin. I worried about what chair I could fit into, and how I hoped I wouldn't break it. You name it, I obsessed about it.

It is so clear, even when I am tempted to fall back into my old behaviors, that my obsessions are healthy obsessions now. I would much rather worry about what I am going to eat and making sure it is low in calories and healthy than having to worry about all the things I used to worry about. I would much rather obsess about something that will yield a healthy result, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

I Lost 100 Lbs. in Two Seconds!

Want to know the secret to my amazing 100 lb. weight loss in two seconds? Simply weigh yourself in your closet! Yup, that's right folks, weigh yourself on your carpeted closet floor, and miraculously enough, you will lose 100+ pounds! ;)

My husband and I couldn't decide where to put "our" (MY!) new scale, so I decided to store it in our closet to keep it away from moisture and our little ones. While I was placing it down on the floor, I decided to give it a whirl. And guess what?! I weighed only 165 lbs! Amazing, I know. So, from now on, I told my husband, I will be weighing myself in our closet. I like those numbers much, Much, MUCH better.

When we first got the scale, my husband told me that it doesn't work. He said that the reason I like it is because it registers 8 lbs less. Oh, not true my love. I wish though. So interestingly enough our new scale is wrong for him, but our old scale is wrong for me. Weird.

Smelling the Roses

I can't help but feel like for every step I take in the right direction, I also take two steps back. Over the past few months, I have lost weight, made better and healthier decisions about food and worked on changing my food and weight mentality. However, I have also slipped back into a cycle of stress, anxiety and depression.
I feel as though I have cinder blocks strapped to my feet holding me back whenever a small part of me wants so badly to move ahead quickly. I just put my baby to bed, and while I was nursing him I was struck with a wave of fear about how much further I have to go. I have at least 65 pounds to lose before I even get to declare residency in Onederland. I am trying so hard to focus on how far I have come, but I am so impatient by nature. I am severely Type "A". I feel so flustered when there is nothing at all to be feeling flustered about. So, my point here is having a "task" that I cannot complete NOW or in a timely manner really seems to stress me out. I want very much to enjoy this journey and smell the roses along the way. I just don't know how to change who I am by nature to make that possible. I know, and keep telling myself, that "slow and steady wins the race". I just need to start trusting that.

HYC Check-In

I am feeling okay, but I would just love to start losing again. I have been holding nice and steady for a while now. I saw a little bit of a loss this morning, but I haven't gone below my last lowest yet. Frustrating! I could be eating better and snacking a bit less, but my calories seem to be right on check, so I must be doing something wrong. I hope next week brings a definitive display of some new bling-bling!

The Warm Fuzzies

After my last honesty post, I have come to a major realization. It wasn't hard at all to confess my weight loss wrong doing because this one felt different for me somehow. I have talked with my friend Kate many times about how while on the way to a binge, we won't call one another in fear of actually being talked out of our quest. Once I have the idea in my head, I don't want anyone knowing about it until it's all over. It's so much more fun to bitch about guilt than to be told that I should go for a walk or eat an apple instead. So time for my realization.

After my 1,200 calorie binge yesterday I realized that I felt no sense of "relief". I didn't feel all warm, fuzzy and numb. It seemed as though my "good friend" had failed me. Every bite was disgusting and I told myself the whole time how this just wasn't doing it for me anymore. This is huge for me because once I had eaten all that sugary poison, I couldn't help but feel an ingraining into my brain that binging is NOT worth it anymore.

It appears as though I have made concrete strides towards my effort to change myself permanently this time. My old self is tempted to over indulge, but my healthier, weight losing self seems to really understand this time that food is not the answer. This is HUGE for me folks. I just hope that this sunny thought will shed light on any future clouds of bad judgment.

We're Here to be Honest, Right?

I must confess, I am just bursting at the seams to spill all (can you sense my facetiousness ?) about my daily caloric intake. I started the day off with a bang and continued to do well until this afternoon. My two year old decided not to take a nap, so instead of laying in my bed (trying to sleep) and listening to him talk over the monitor, I decided it would be a great idea to go downstairs and eat! So guess what my food of choice was...

For some reason I chose to consume 1,200 calories worth of 100 calorie swiss chocolate rolls. Smart! I am so darn proud of myself!!! (Again, more facetiousness)

I didn't get to eat dinner, and I just went for a walk. Tomorrow is a new day and besides, all the swiss rolls have all been eaten, so I don't have to worry about them anymore. I took care of that little problem.

Don't worry or lecture please, I don't plan on having swiss rolls in the house anymore. I am such a dork!

The Heebie-Jeebies

The other night I was laying in bed thinking about how hard I have worked for a 25 lb. loss. It dawned on me that after working tediously for months and months to achieve my goal weight, I could put it all right back on in the blink of an eye. That's when the fear struck. Wouldn't it be so much easier to just eat what I want, whenever I want? It gives me the heebie-jeebies to think about continuing to work so hard, only to end up right back where I started.

Do any of you fear this? I am reminded by my dear friend, Kate, that fear is not from God, so I need to send it right back to the A-hole who sent it to me, thank you very much. I compare it to working your butt off at work for several years only to be told by your superior that you may or may not be receiving that raise you were promised for all your hard work. With no guarantees, I am feeling heebie-jeebed out big time.

After I tossed around these depressing thoughts for a while, I was pleasantly distracted by some thoughts of my recent NSVs. The other day my friend came for a visit, and within 10-15 minutes or so, I noticed she looked me up and down. Fearing that she was just judging me like the rest, I cringed thinking about her looking at me. But, instead I received a nice NSV, Wow, Lynn you are looking really, really good. You've lost weight, a lot of weight, haven't you?". I couldn't help but wear a perma-smile for a few seconds, I felt silly because I couldn't wipe the grin off my face.
Later that same day, my mom arrived for her visit. My mother, who always means well, is the first to tell me how heavy I am and how I need to start taking care of myself. I was nervously anticipating her noticing my weight loss when again, within 10-15 minutes of her arrival, I heard it, "Lynn, you look wonderful Honey, have you lost weight? It is so nice to see you finally start taking care of yourself". BUT, like most moms, she couldn't and wouldn't stop there. She continued to say, "I told you that you needed to start taking care of yourself...didn't I tell you? See...see...". Um, see what? That you are taking credit for the last three months of me working my a** off??? It made me chuckle on the inside to hear her take credit for my hard work and devotion. If she only knew. She is half my size, and the mother of four by the way. She works hard for her figure though. She walks about 5 miles or so a day and always has for as long as I can remember. I have NEVER seen her eat a candy bar or eat any other junk food. She is the kind of woman who orders her dressing on the side and gingerly dips a fork-full of lettuce into a drop of dressing. I guess I never really took notes from her while I was growing up. I much preferred to eat like my Dad I guess! :)

My bonus NSV of the century however, came from my dear husband. My husband is the kind of man who cannot show his emotions and he has a horrible time expressing any kind of affection. So, the things that come out of his mouth always mean the most. He was waiting for me in the car of the Wal*Mart parking lot the other day while I ran in for something. Once I returned, he turned to me and said, "Hey Baby, want'a wrestle?". So romantic, I know. However, the great part about that was I haven't heard that question since we were both in college 8 years ago! I can only assume he saw something in me that he liked as I was walking across the parking lot. Woo-hoo!!!

These NSVs and all of you and your encouragement are exactly what I need to keep on trucking along this sometimes treacherous journey. Thank you all so much for your continuing support!

All Swirly

My head seems to be swirling lately. There just seems to be so much going on. I haven't left our house since Saturday because my baby has been running a high fever. And now, my two year old and I are starting to feel poopie.
Speaking of poopie, while working on potty training my son, he accidentally smeared a little goodness onto our bed, so when I was desperate to go to bed at 8:00 last night, I couldn't because the bedding was still in the dryer. I finally made it to bed at 11:30 last night because my baby is cutting teeth and he refused to nurse. So needless to say, after an hour or so of trying to pump (which didn't work, I had to thaw so frozen milk), the baby finally drank a bottle and went off to sleep. Wow, that was a serious mental sidetrack, sorry about that.

Because I have been feeling all swirly, my food has been lack luster. I am hoping that I will be able to establish a firm grasp on my food today. Besides, I will be so busy today trying to find some milk for my son, that I shouldn't even have time to worry about feeding myself. Which leads me to my question... if my breasts won't let down to the pump, and my baby won't eat, how in the heck do I get out of this pickle?

Again, I am sorry to bring that back up, but that is what I am facing right now. Uh, it's going to be a long day.

I hope you are all doing well.

Oh, and on another side note, my cousin got attacked by a shark a few days ago while swimming off the coast of Florida. His legs are a mess. He was only chest deep. I will NEVER swim in the ocean again.

UPDATE: My baby has Roseola...that would help explain the stress in our household these past few days.